of jealousy and spite. but most importantly, of love.

I'm thinking of... conspiracy theories. Theories that people come up with. They often contain the most farfetched ideas and yet they so adamantly believe in them. Conspiracy theories are obviously negative. And it's positive side? Now here's the interesting result I arrived at.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is hope. Why is it that some people seem to hope for the things that they know they can't have? Why do they build a story in their minds thinking that everything is going to be ok? And when they realise that it's not going to happen, they land up being extremely bitter about the entire situation. And the best part is they choose to be bitter to the ones that they hope and dream with or for. What's the point in that? Do they think that in attempting to spite the ones they care/d about, revenge has been dealt and they are now able to move on? I don't think so. Revenge is in itself not fulfilling. It does not of us any good. in fact, I think that revenge makes you feel even worse about yourself because ultimately you've brought yourself down to the same level as the ones who've hurt you in the first place.

I also wonder, why people do the things they do even though they know it hurts others. For example, I know that my getting irritated with those that genuinely care about me not only just hurts me but it hurts them too. I know that getting too close to people only to have to leave them behind hurts like mad. And yet I still do it. I still love. And I am loved in return. It's a magical and beautiful feeling. This is what being home makes me feel like. I might not meet up with everybody and I may meet up with a select few over the others. But I know that because there are so many people around me who love me, I am safe here. No harm can come to me on my own turf right? Wrong.

I suppose that there are something that I wish could have turned out differently. But I do not wish to turn back time and redo events. There is no guarantee that things will turn out the way I want them to. Heck, chances are they won't. And I'm not being pessimistic about it for your information. I'm being realistic. Perfection is the imperfection. It makes things unique. It makes you remember people, places and the things that you did. It reflects in your eyes. Your past, present and your hopes for the future.

I know that I can't stay here like this forever no matter how much I want. I know I can't watch you sleep and just smile like I did yesterday. But it's ok. Because that memory is permanently etched in my mind along with the first time we got drunk together. But that's what makes it all the more special. That it's not something that I can have. Every moment I spend without you so far away is another moment that I think about you and wondering what you're doing. Every moment that I smile, I remember you. And every moment that I cry I wish I were in your arms where you would comfort me and make everything ok again. I am so happy for you. This is getting increasingly difficult. Because I know that it can't be like this forever.

There is no rewind button to life. So my logic is to live each day as though it was your last. Tell the people you love that you love them. Not literally. But in the little things that you do. That surprising phone call after ages of not talking.

We both hate long good byes, And we hate it when people jump to even the slightest conclusions of what we are. The next song that I write, will be a song for you. It will be a thoughtful one. One that can apply to anybody. One that I will never forget. One song that symbolises us may be superfluous but it does not matter. Because this one song will be the one song that will encompass my most treasured memories. It will be the one that I will let you hear. It will be the one that I will hold closest to my heart. I love you.

flying away

It is my honest opinion that there are no more good horror flicks. I just spent the last few hours with Mel. (No one has noticed this but there is Mel which is not me, and then there is MeL which is me.)

We were in VideoEzy scouring the DVDs for a good horror flick that we both haven't seen. Of course we could have gone with something safe like Alyson Hannigan's Date Movie, which by the way showed much promise, or the animated Hoodwinked. But nooo we wanted to test our theory of how horror flicks are just too... cliché for us. Turns out we were right.

We landed up picking out Takashi Shimizu's Marebito. So with that, a bag of Doritos and cans of F & N Sarsi in hand, we watched the movie. Let me put it this way. it intrigued us in the beginning but in the end? IT MADE NO SENSE. NONE! NO SENSE AT ALL. It's one of those thinkers I suppose. But it was too muddled for us to really pick it apart. I couldn't decide whether the protagonist was deluded or it was just the movie itself. Mel thinks he suffered from dementia. None of our theories really made any sense but it made more sense than the film itself. There are however 2 things about it that I must applaud. The clever use of CG to bring to life Shaver's Deros and the fact that the movie was shot in 8 days with a... hmmm... a camera that any random person on the street would use.

The movie was creepy but still it did not have much of a plot. But it did have a point. If anything the only screaming consistency of it all was the fact that it was dripping in paranoia and curiosity. Curiosity that either brought the protagonist to insanity or was a result of his insanity. Either way, talking about it is going to drive me up the wall.

Oh just very quickly, I'd like to say Happy Birthday to Sean (27th Sept) and Shabeena (28th Sept). Sean, party on mate! I know you'll have shit loads of fun! And I so wish I were there!!! Shabz, drink drink drink smoke smoke smoke wake up, do it all over again.

Ok. Now to sample games of the PSP. Yes. Mel passed me his PSP. I doubt I'll be able to bring it with me to Australia though? Perhaps it's about time I get my own. Speaking of own, I must find my camera!!

those three words are said too much

I just got back. Another wonderful day. Another one of those days that reminds you how beautiful life can be. One person is usually all it takes. But today, I got lucky. I had two. But I've always had him. he's always been there by my side. Silently. Quietly. Patiently. Lovingly. I love you. And even those 3 words are... a mockery to what we are and what we have. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. There isn't one thing that I'd trade to keep you safe or to see you smile.

My love for you really is infinite. And it grows with each day. This is home. Here with you. Just you and me. And an endless amount of possibilities. You've made me feel more whole than I've ever felt.

Sometimes I wonder what it'll be like when I finally lay my head down. Would I be happy with my life? Would I leave content? I hope I do.

I finished watching Gladiator today.

And later today, I will see you again.

idiocy

This is the second day in a row that my mother has had the dire urge to WAKE ME UP TO DAMNED FUCKING EARLY! Honestly, I am going to turn all my phones off when I sleep next time! I man come on! For fuck's sakes I only slept at 8! And it's 12 now! And I'm supposed to run out and pick up my Nike bag and meet up with Tasia and crash the restaurant today. And I was looking forward to all of it too! And to think that now I'm in such a sour mood?! Blah

I got my site stats update the other day. I am intrigued. Honestly boys, and girl. I didn't know you cared so much that you wanted to read my blog. Yes. I know who you are because oh gee, I can see the service providers? And I recognise the IP addresses of the people I hang with in Melbourne. How ironic. How completely laughable that all that was a fleeting thought. A moment lost in time.

If I don't smoke now, I will never be able to get out of this bad mood.

apples and eyes

I'm still here. Still awake. Sleeping pattern is royally fucked. I went shopping on Sunday. Bought shit loads of stuff. New flip flops (yes another pair), a new hand bag and a t-shirt. All these from FiLA. Let's see... I wanted to get a jacket from Mango but then again my mom got me this really nice one from Zara so I guess I didn't need another jacket? (Rubbish, you can never have too many jackets!!!) But anyways, there was something wrong with the one that I wanted and it was the last piece too... :( So I ended up buying 2 tops.

I also checked out the iPod jeans at Levi's. Over priced I'd say. But perhaps the ear phones that come along make it er... worthwhile? Perhaps. But really the tacky plastic on the outside made to resemble a controller? Really. Even IF it could be used to control your iPod, it looks disgusting. Besides, it'll get murdered in the wash wouldn't it? The only way I can imagine that it'll make it out in one piece is by hand wash. As it is, I can't be fucked to hand wash my Kookai tops so what makes you think I'll hand was jeans of all things.

So far this trip has been very relaxing. More or less. I keep getting the feeling that tip toeing around people isn't going to last. I'm already getting a little irritated but it's still tolerable. I would've shopped more but my head was beginning to pound like mad. Well... I'll be up and about again in a couple of hours. More shopping to come. I promise.

I managed to get Sheela's Nasi Lemak Sambal. Haha! Took a while to track it down but I've found it. I just have to figure out what to get people for their birthdays. Bleah. I'll figure it out. I think. I hope. Nah... I will. So the week's already beginning to slowly fill up and I must really get around to meeting up with Geoff and Cia. And Luke too when he finishes his work. I've surprisingly managed to stay sober all this time. I amaze myself. I barely have time to sit by myself. Every spare moment I have I spend out or on the phone with old friends. What else is new eh? Haha!

To tell you the truth, I'm really looking forward to Tuesday at Proxy. I can't wait to sit and hang out with Tasia. I still find it crazy that we love nearly the same things. From eclectic music taste to foreign movies. I think the only thing that we don't have in common is my strange love for comics and cartoons.

Oh, I'm in the process of writing yet another song. I'm quite proud. It's been a while since I've churned out one of my own. I mean... My inspiration and motivation kind of hit a brick wall for nearly 3 weeks now. But, I'm glad that it's back. I have to get back into it and get down to work ASAP. Yes. It turns out that I most probably will be working on an assignment during this trip. I don't want to land up going back to more work. I mean come on, I left my room in disarray when I left didn't I? Heh. Speaking of going back to Melbourne, I look forward to Mexican night with the house mates. I hope that they're having loads of fun. After all, it is the break.

i find it very amusing when people try to lie to me. It's so blatantly obvious that you're full of shit. Haven't we talked about how much I hate liars? And how the world would be a lot less complicated if people didn't lie? But hey, shit happens, blah blah blah. Excuses. Honestly, I wish I'd heard it straight from your mouth rather than from somebody else. Still, you have your own life to live, your own shit to deal with, So if you'd rather add more trouble to it, by all means, I am in no position to stop you. Coz in the end who's going to suffer? Not me. I carry my own cross and you carry yours. I sat and carried other peoples' baggage for far too long. By your own strength, you will find your own light.

And so I dedicate you this.

G C
He seems so understanding
Bm C
I think he's secretly afraid
G C
I can never tell what he's thinking
Bm C
I can never think of what to say


Am C Em
Despite the secrets we kept
D
The pain it caused
C
We're still here
Em
We're still here
Am
We're still here
D
Holding on

G C
Final hiding places
Bm C
Last big leaps
G C
It stands before me
Bm C
The vast endless stairs

Am C Em
All the conflicts and differences
D
We can't win them all
Am C Em
We knew it wasn't gonna be easy
D
Busy with our separate lives


G C
The space between
Em D
So far yet near
G C
I'd watch you turn
Em D
Your head back to me
C
The dreams keeps us
Em
The dreams keeps us
Am
The dreams keeps us
D
Holding on


Bm C G
You try to mask your fears
D
With understanding words
Bm C G
Don't you see you're not alone
D
In this imperfect world


G C
Lift up your head
Bm C
You don't have to hide your worries
G C
I will be there
Bm C
To share the smiles and sorrows


Am C Em
Coz in the end all we have
D
Are the ones that we let in
C
These people
Em
These friendships
Am
These lovers
D
Are holding on

- Holding On, MeL

I wish you well. Whether or not I love you or hate you, I wish you all well.

balance

Another day has gone by and I feel safe and at peace here. This is my home. As much as I despise the heat. I realise that I am not the only person that is running from one problem or another. There are loads of us out there. Heck, the ones we are running from are also running from their own issues.

So far, this has been calming. And without much worry. I feel like there is no real need to trouble myself too much. Because now, everything is as it should be and I am truly happy. But still not without worry for the day where I will have to stop running. No more wind in my face, no more laughing at blatant stupidity and acts of ignorance. Inevitably, I will still have to deal with the things that up to now, I still have no wish to deal with.

I watched Miami Vice today with Kenny's classmates and one of his lecturers. I have mixed feelings about that movie. It was stupid at times but at the same time, there were parts of it that I could truly appreciate. Also, I have realised that as much as I love my work, there is still much room for improvement and I intend on doing just that.

Life is not a game where there is a save and reload function. Shit happens and we can't turn the clock back. People say very stupid things when they are in ridiculous states of minds. And in such, they care not about who they step on or who gets hurt along the way. It disgusts me. The lack of concern. It's revolting to realise that I have had close encounters with such people. But at the end of the day, they will still have to deal with themselves on top of all the other problems that they have brought upon themselves.

Even if Melbourne seems bleak and depressing, there is always the prospect of coming back home. Or the people that I socialise with there. People who keep me sane and grounded. My sanity is something that wavers very easily. As is my heart. But not my resolve. I have my ways of getting things done and although my methods may be unorthodox, they are thorough. Because at the end of the day, how many of us can really say that their lives were worth lived. I'm only 20. And I can honestly say that mine is. All of them have brought me to this place and this time. As bleak as most of my thoughts are, there is always a light shining in the dark.

Fall in the light my loves. Shold you ever find yourselves falling, fall in the light. The dark is not something that everybody can fall into and live to tell the tale.

every beginning and every end

Saying I'm tired is an understatement. I got back just a little while ago. And yes, I am MELTING. But what else is new? Today was a good day. I'm pretty happy the way things turned out. Things are beginning to slowly sort themselves out. Which is always good.

It's true that people judge each other. And it's also true that not everyone looks at things the same way that you do. But, it is always important for us to remember that deep down, we all want the same damned thing. Trust your instincts, things will be ok. I promise.

familiarity

I'm tired. The plane ride made me tired. I couldn't be bothered to watch movies. But I did catch Lindsay Lohan's Just My Luck. It was a stupid film that I wouldn't recommend to anyone. Even though Chris Pine is moderately good looking, don't waste your time.

Once again it's just so surreal. To be surrounded by my wonderful red walls. It's comforting that I don't have to worry so much. For now at least. I mean come on, the number one worry on my mind is when I'm going to smoke. HAHAHA! I have enough to last a while so that's not too bad.

I miss you guys. You're just a bus ride away. I love you all. :)

show me yours and i might show you mine

What are your motives? What is your purpose? Is there something that you want to say? What is it that you need to scream? You're not very good at hiding it are you?

I find it amusing that some people can get so obsessed over other people or other things that generally have nothing to do with them. I find it ludicrous that the word 'love' is used so freely for such ignorant acts. Is it something so trivial that you can drop the word into every line that you utter? Has it become so... insignificant?

Why is it that love has become so fleeting? Do people not understand it? Do they now see? That by professing love so freely they destroy another's peace of mind? How can they be so selfish? How could I be so selfish.

I see love as something quiet. Something big. Not something that needs to be screamed and shouted from the highest roof top. I see no need for the entire world to bask in it because that would make it boastful of which it is not. It is quite clear that I love. But it is needless to say who or what. For we all love don't we? So, I shall keep my secrets and you shall keep yours.

Be safe. I'll be there soon.

They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

It takes control. It take you hostage and it makes its home beneath your skin even though you don't want it there. And no matter how hard you try to kick it out, it doesn't listen. It doesn't make sense. It isn't rational. And it has no reason. It just is.

Yet I still do. As much as it seems so... out of reach and so impossible, I still do. I know that no matter how far away I run, this is the one thing that I could never run away from. I'm still sitting at the edge of my bed. I'm still wondering. Still hoping. Still dreaming. For the impossible.

I never thought that the songs that I've written spur of the moment could have such an effect on people or myself for that matter. I never thought that they were good enough. Just think. In 5 days time, it would have been... Oh forget it. Thinking about these things is... futile. It's not worth thinking of is it. It hasn't been that long and yet it feels like a lifetime. And a half.

Things are slowly beginning to look up. Pretty soon everything will be back to normal. Whatever normal is. For now, I'll just have to pull up my socks and keep doing what I have to do. As much as I hate it, I'll just have to do it won't I? Change is good. I like change. And come Tuesday, there will be change.

Rose Walker, sometimes I admire the words that you spoke and sometimes I hate you for them.

i just want to be whole

I know that I did the right thing. And I actually hate that I did. I wish I didn't. You have no idea how painful it was. Sometimes I wish that I had never met you. Or that I never answered you. I wish that I didn't know you. That I had never spoken to you. Yes, a part of me hates you for destroying so much of my life. If I could take it back, I would. If I could go back in time and make the mistake that I should have made, I would. But I can't. Time is very precious to me now and I cannot afford to spend it on the likes of you. It's surprising that after so long, I can still feel this sad.

Self torture = NEVER good

Neither is dwelling or panicking for that matter. But, looking forward? Now there's something that is good. I'm being as positive as I possibly can be. And so far it's a good thing. I think. Well... Yea.

Sometimes, I sit and wonder what might have been. If I had taken a different approach or a different option. I often find that I don't care much for one too many choices. However, I do like to have a concise back up plan.

Winter is fading but it's still cold and bitter. I played pool with Daniel earlier. And he said something that got me thinking. He said, look at the sky, it's beautiful. Turns out, it was. Just that I've been so preoccupied with idiotic things that I never really noticed the beauty of the things around me. It's another thing to keep me going. The little things that I used to love so much. The little things that people say that I can never forget. I know I'll be ok.

Imagine what life would be like if we all just looked at the small things. Wouldn't it be wonderful?

I just ate. Yes. I have food again. Evelyne went to the super market and she got me my eggs and of all things to ask for, I ask for spam. And now I feel sick.

Ick. I used to love luncheon meat but this stuff? Dear God, it is tooo much! Too much!! Really, toooo much.

Seriously, I put too much into things that don't really matter. And when I shove my soul into the things that I think do, I get burned. So, what should I do? Space myself away? Hmmm... I doubt. If I have to be socially inept or more importantly, uncaring, to avoid getting hurt, I'd rather get hurt.

Playing: Full of Grace, Sarah McLachlan

remebering the not so distant past, dream of the future that is out of reach

I remembered more than I wanted to. I saw what I wanted to forget. I embed my thoughts in misery don't I? I smelt something that I had not smelt in such a long time. Why. Why did it scare me so much. Something that never used to scare me. The last time that scent and I crossed paths was in Singapore. In the middle of the night. When Adam was barely one and my brother still lived with me. The smell that scared the living flame out of me. The smell that kicked up all my defences.

Another smell. Today. The one that used to make me feel safe. The smell that now makes me feel sick. The smell, the smile, the look, the touch, the dream, the reality. The one that I wanted to both erase and keep near me forever. The smell the makes my head spin. The same one that paints a smiled on my face and makes my blood boil. God. I never want to associate myself with that again.

It's 5 in the morning and I'm wide awake. It was a good thing that Madhavi woke me up from my not so blissful sleep. There can be no rest for the wicked can there. There can be no rest for me. No peace at all. I'm sure it must be happy to see me in this state. Considering that I still am pretty unstable. Walking around like this is not a good idea. I can't do it. I stand to lose everything don't I? That's why I'm so afraid. But really, what can it take from me that hasn't been ripped from me before? Love? Bah... Music? Done that. Family? Oh please. Really. What more do you want. What more is there left of me to give? My love? My heart? My soul? Me? Is that what you're after? What sanity I have left? IF you want it, I'm right here. I'm not hiding. I'm making no attempt to hide. Come on, I dare you. Just try. Do you think that I'll make it easy? I doubt so. Where's the fun in making things easy? I hate it when things are too easy. It always means that's something's not quite right. I like being able to work for what I want. To have it just like that is too... boring. I can never fully appreciate the thigns that I get too easily.


You are such a bitch you know that? You have some nerve. Not a single word that has been uttered from your mouth has had any merit. You only look out for yourself with little regard of who you knock down along the way. And you knew how I felt. You knew what was happening. Still, the choice you made was denial. It makes me sick. It makes me pity you for not being able to be strong enough to accept the consequences of your actions. And you know what, that is the only thing that is keeping you safe from it. Becasue it knows that if it tries anything with you now, I wouldn't care. Fine, that isn't true. I would care but it is not within my jurisdiction or power to control.

So go on. I dare you. What more do you think you can do to me that I haven't already faced? I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of anything. I have made sufficient preparations. All I need to do is say the word and it will be done. Quite literally. So nameless one, what say you. Have you got the guts to stand against me and those I love? I think... not. But still, if you think you do, let me know. I'll be more than willing to wipe the universe with your ass.

Do you ever wonder where
We would be if we'd have tried
A little harder?
It seems like yesterday
That we were making plans
For the future
But it's been so long
Since I have known the truth
These dreams we've left abandoned
And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
These memories slip away
The ghost of what we were
Is fading
But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night
I was dying
Now I don't even recognize
The girl I swore that someday
I would marry
But I can't forget her face
And I can't forget her kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still remember so much
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
God I remember so much

Stabbing Westward, I remember

mess? which mess?

One heart felt conversation to the next, one issue to another. And one tear to another's. I've not opened up to someone I barely know in quite a while. It wasn't easy but it felt better. I just have to keep my wits about me don't I?

I find that I can't go out alone at night these days. The whole hair standing feeling. I'm a mess aren't I?

It's ok. Change is good. It will help. I need change.

it

I believe that every day is a test. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's horrendously difficult. So far, I'm still making it. Things are getting harder and harder. I'm not that young anymore. Just a few more months and things will begin to stabilise once more. I just have to make it past October and I'll be ok. Although some how, it feels like each passing second is a cleaver that separates flesh from bone.

I don't quite know what to say. Things weren't supposed to be this way. I may know why they are the way they are but it isn't fair. They didn't do anything to deserve this. What on earth did I do that you have it in for me this badly? Do you take pleasure in knowing that I'm in pain? Is it so difficult for you to comprehend the fact that I might actually be able to be happy? Is it in your best interests? Are you outside karma?

I suppose... I have many speculations. Each as farfetched as the next. But let's face it, this entire fiasco is outrageous as it is isn't it? Now that every thing's beginning to make sense to me. All this is slowly beginning to make a strange sense. Yes, I've been trying to rationalise things again. And you know what? I quite like things the way they are. Hassle free.

terror and panic? i think not

Who'dve thought that new social circle made out of just the girls could be so much fun! I got so used to always hanging around boys that I forget sometimes that I'm just a girl. I know I keep exclaiming it as though it were a novelty but now that I'm spending time with more and more girls I realise how much fun it all is!

Yesterday in Chapel Street, I hear live rock. It's not something new, but it's been a while. A very VERY long while. I sat there drinking my beer, laughing with the girls and feeling quite bad for Sean who looked really bored and I just wished that Kenny could have been there. Now he would have loved it as much as I did. And as for Sean, well, he's an R n B kind of guy so yea. I wonder what made him want to go actually. But yes, I had fun. It was a stress free evening. Well almost totally stress free. My hair was stressing me out. A full head of faux dreads. Quite interesting. I am grateful however, that it washed out! :D

Among other things, the new iPods have been released. And I WANT. I WANT WANT WANT. Don't really need em but I want them all the same. Haha! And the new iTunes... Wow... Wonderful I swear. Thank you Geoff. I love you many many!

Ok, I'm going now. Need to sort out my music. And try to get my stomach less bloated.

good morning iHouse, it is a B-E-A-UTIFUL day

So I was bored and I woke up way too early for my own good.

Today is my Daddy's birthday! w00t! Happy Birthday Daddy!!! Ok, so I'm desperately trying to get tickets back to Melbourne in time for my classes. If not than I'll just have to push my classes. Hehe. But I can't do anything about it now coz my cell phone's with Cathy and I need my phone to find out what my lectuerer's email address is. I'm hoping that Kaush knows it. If not than I guess I'll be STUCK here.

Well, it can't be that bad I guess. It'll mean I have more money to play with, time to work and get my liscense. All of which are very important. And I'll have time to relax in... moderately wonderful weather. It was sweltering last night. I shouldn't have left the heater on. Ah well.

I'm actually a little worried. No money, running out of food and no cigarettes. And it's only the 14th. ARGH!!!!!!!!!! Need money. Must find way to get more money!!! MUST MUST MUST!

exploding implosions

I've never felt so... strong. I could feel it Jon... It made me feel so much better. It helped. But the amount of stress I'm under now is killing me. There's this perpetually cold burning at the back of my head. What's annoying is, I'm so full of energy but I can't use it. And i can't move because it's suffocating. And I can barely put my thoughts together. Not good. Not good at all. I need... Well I don't need. I want to smoke.

all the world is waiting for the sun

I'm taking a break from the lap report. I was talking to many people today. And it just struck me when Rain by Breaking Benjamin played on iTunes. The one stanza that stood out from the rest:

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion of
A heard to wrap around so I can find my way around

Have I been so broken that I was ready to jump into the first thing that had any semblance of security? Is that why I'm not as affected as I thought I would be? Is that why I can't really find the anger? Or is it just because I've lost the will to fight and argue? Have I really become apathetic or have I just become ridiculously selfish?

Right now? I have a real one staring at me right in the face and yet I'm not jumping on board. I have the fun I have the serious I have everything. And yet I find myself just not getting on either boat. Is is really that bad? It can't be that scary. I've been there before. Really. Because the more I think about it, the more I understand why things happened the way they did. And why it is that people want what they can't have. It's the challenge that they love. Not the love. The challenge. To have what they should not have.

I wonder if no one bothered me about smoking, would I have started in the first place. Would I still be smoking. Interesting isn't it? Well, I don't have much time to ponder on that. I have 2 hours to finish my lab report. By the way, did I mention that it's about sexual and emotional infidelity? Hehehehe!

one girl, one cigarette, one morning too early

I'm up too damned early for my fucking good.

It's too warm and I can't sleep. I'm too warm. I've had pretty interesting conversations earlier today. Say around 3-ish 4. I need to learn how to tap into that energy. Need to learn how to control it. I might just go on a mad rampage but I don't care. Heh.

I'm one man to make a difference
I'm one soul all persistence
In a dark word, just trying to make things right
Choices we weren't given
Any heroes, and our decision
Is to stand up and fight for ourselves

To be free
Is all we want to be
When everything seems so far out of reach
But I know, no matter where we go
I'll never stop believing in me

Woke up bent and broken
Just to find that fate has spoken
All I call out I call out for change
For every moment that remains
For every sinking stone to find its place
Long before they're washed away

To be free
Is all we want to be
When everything seems so far out of reach
But I know, no matter where we go
I'll never stop believing in me

We've been giving in to wrong
We've been waiting for too long
And we've been broken to pieces one by one

We're gonna know
We're gonna know
When the moment comes

To be free
Is all we want to be
When everything seems so far out of reach
But I know, no matter where we go
I'll never stop believing in me

Believing, The Calling

I believe that I need to go back to sleep.

hair'd

hair'd
Originally uploaded by enter_the_red_realm.

Loving James is the best decision I've ever made. He's sweet, he's kind, he's crazy, he's just like me. Except that he's in the UK and he's gay. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But, he will never hurt me intentionally. And I will never hurt him intentionally. Sure things have been said but things are ok.

Yes, if you're wondering, I'm hyper because I'm tired. I get hyper when I'm tired. And my energy? It's coming back. Leaps and bounds coming back so add that to the mix and you've got me going bonkers. I don't quite understand it but hey it's a good thing.

I put little dreads in my hair. I actually like it. I'm going to try and dread my whole head for the punk rock thing on Wednesday. Of which I have heard very good things about. Both about the bands and the people going. So that's got me smiling. :) But yes, right now the dreads are out. The warm shower helped. I feel like a great load lifted off my shoulders. And not having to care or worry, rocks.

babble babble bitch bitch rebel rebel party party sex sex sex and don't forget the violence

Yesterday I cried, must have been relieved to see the softer side.

I can understand why you are so confused. I don't envy you. I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one.

No quite yesterday. In fact, just a few hours ago. And guess what, I let people see me. Or er... Daniel and Cassie at least. It was ok. He made me smile. It made things better. I've put myself back out there and the feeling is great. Only problem is, I just want to party and have fun but I've got shit loads of work left to do and I have no idea where to start.

I just came from Madhavi's room where I showcased another spastic, creative side of myself. The copywriter. It's been quite a while since I just let my mind go and brain storm. I didn't think I made any sense but she did so it's good.

So, am I ok with things that are happening? Yes. I give up on trying to get things to be like how I want them to be. As a result, things are really looking up. I think. I hope. I'm trying to just breathe at this point. Breathe. Breathe is good. Breathe is what got me through the msn message I got on my way back from playing pool with Daniel. I think I blew a blood vessel. But it's ok. I'm going to have to deal. I'm just going to have to settle all of this within my own means and that I will.

My problems? They are actually very simple. :)
But my methods? Now those are complicated.

interrupted sleep and wonderful surprises

Aww... darling, I love you loads too... But really, if you wake me up in the middle of the night again, I don't think I'd be able to offer you another chance eh? Nah, I'm just messing. Thank you for calling. It meant a lot. I guess things really are ok aren't they?

Anyways, I know that you aren't online much, but I just wanted to say thank you. And knowing you pop in to read my blog now means the world to me. I love you loads. :) I'll see you soon ok? Let me just get all this work out of the way before you start bugging me about it again. I should be done by Wednesday. Coz after that it's just one presentation. But I gotta give my mother an answer today... So yea, buzz me later?

Much love!

don't think so much, you might hurt yourself

I know that which causes this pain. I haven't said it before. I know who reads my blog but I'm at breaking point. My heart aches so much that my body aches along with it. I still can't let it out. And it's so hard. It's so hard for me right now. Knowing that I have so many options and yet I can't any of them. Yes, I want to run. Yes I want to get away. But no matter how much I run it's still there. It's still sitting there. A reminder of all my mistakes of all the things that I've ever done. Is this karma? No. I'm doing this to myself because I can't seem to break away. I can't seem to leave all this behind. I can't leave people in the dark. It's just not like me. My friends see it. I see it and yet here I am. Sitting right here letting things replay over and over in my mind. Watching my memories. Memories that I hold so dear. Memories that I'm letting become tainted. It's not easy. It's not easy at all. And despite how much any of you may feel that it's harder on you and how your shit is worse, guess what, everyday that I wake up I feel like I'm dying. Not because of him. But because of me. And what I'm doing to myself. Do you think I like it? Do you think I like being constantly reminded of all this shit? I don't. And I know what it's like to be where I am. I know what it's like to be on the other side. I KNOW. I FUCKING KNOW. And it's painful. And I can't breathe.

So just for a while. I'm going to take my leave. I'm going to take that sabbatical that I long for. I'm not going to give up on myself. I'm going to let myself heal. Just like what I said earlier, that if it weren't for certain circumstances, everything would be ok. If you hadn't lied. Things would be ok. I'm going. And I'm not looking back. You have all of tomorrow. After that, don't even think about it. Don't. Because I can't face another day living like this. I want to be ok again and by my will alone, you are not going to stand in my way because I swear I will cut you down. I am beyond caring about anyone else but me at this point. I don't care how selfish it sounds but fuck, if I don't look out for me, no one else will.

Goodbye.

do you know the truth?

Despite the pep talks and all the cheer me ups and the ideas and options I can't seem to psych myself to do what I must. I feel like I'm on a slippery slope without anything to hang on. It's hard and it's difficult. I know that I'm happy. But everything still rests at the back of my head. I haven't yet let it out and I don't quite know how. I was suicidal. Maniacal, psychotic and all that before. And now, the pain of it all haunts me but it reminds me that I'm still alive.

I'm not entirely sure where to start to express what I'm thinking. It's like no words can explain this surge of thoughts and emotions. I'm struggling to type out words that actually make sense and keep to one emotion at a time. But even that is a lost cause. It's scary that I can't seem to deal with myself when all my facets seem to want to show themselves at once. However there's one song that explains it all. Ok, a few songs. Two that I care enough to mention. One would be my extended edited version of Girl in the Window. That one I've not shown or let anyone hear. And the other, is Look into my Eyes by Outlandish.

After all, I'm just me.

when there is work to be done

I'm procrastinating from work again. And I saw a bunch a stuff of Tasia's blog so er... Hehe.

Your EQ is 160

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

What... I don't lie!

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to. You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize. For you, falling in love is all about the adventure and uncertainty. You can only fall in love with someone who keeps you guessing.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain. People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

You Are a Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person. However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways. You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order. You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

please keep the reporters at bay

I went and I looked. I was asked to. I saw things that I thought I could handle but apparently not. It's not so much as me torturing myself. I'm not. And I don't feel tortured.

I've not been around for a while. It's comforting not being back. And now that I am, it's still all ok again. I've been hanging out with so many different people this past week that I barely see my room. I mean I do come in every now and then just so that I can talk to my mom. Can't exactly let her know that I've not been around eh?

I'm slowly getting my life back on track. Slowly. It's getting there. I've still got a nice support group that's taking care of me. Any time I need to run and hide I have places. I have my options. There's only so much I can do right? Only so much I can say. Only so much I can handle or put up with. Maybe I should just take the holiday. I got to answer fast though. Coz if I leave, I leave in less than 2 weeks. It's still a blur to me though. I haven't told many people about it. Just the ones that matter.

A friend of mine asked me what is it exactly that I want. And I realised that I didn't really want or need anything. If anything, I'm actually quite happy where I am now. It's peaceful. A little surreal, but it's good.

Playlist plays: High and Dry, Radio Head

time heals? no. friends do.

It's amazing how 5 minutes changes everything. A single conversation, a single smile. In that split second, you realise how special you really are. And you know what? I really do feel special. I do feel better. And it's because I'm me. MeL the girl is just a side of me. One face, a few thoughts. It's not all of me. And until someone can see that in me and realise that shit, I'm real, I'd wait. Because you know what? I've got friends. I've got people that care about me. Even the least likely of people love me for just me being me.

I was right after all wasn't I Melvyn? I was at my best in that one conversation that we had. I really was. I could do anything. My confidence allowed me to do just that. And I swear, I am so loving this. I'm playing my music again. I'm finishing my songs. And soon, when I finish my assignments, I'll be able to write more.

I realise that as bad as things got, I never lost the things that I loved. They were right there. They weren't taken from me, I only thought they were. But I did gain one thing. I regained the confidence that I had lost. And now? I'm back.

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone

I remember saying to a friend, "I will love. I will love till my heart breaks or mends. Even if the whole world risks to fall, i'll love." I still would. Despite every thing that's happened over the past couple of days, I will love.

We can't let one person tear our lives apart. We can't let ANYONE tear it apart. And let's face it, no one can make us say or do what we don't want? We keep saying that no one knows what it's like to feel this shitty or how no one understands us. What rubbish. Honestly. Do you not remember each and every time that you've been hurt or something really stupid happens? And when someone else tells you the same thing has happened to them doesn't the pain of that event past come back to you? Do you notice that whenever something bad happens, we keep regressing back in our lives? It's sickening.

After all the conversations I've had, without alcohol or pot, I realised that it actually isn't that bad. And things aren't as complicated as they look on the surface.

In the wise words of Alanis Morissette,
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

And you know what? It's fucking amazing to be me.

stranded

It's funny how things don't work out the way you thought they would. It's funny when things just twist and leave you lost for words. It's worse when you figure out that you can't seem to calm down or make sense of exactly what you're feeling or what your thoughts mean. Or what you were thinking at the time because in all reality, you knew but you were in denial.

And so I sit here, stoned as hell. From the lack of sleep, tired as I can ever be. I know how my dreams are slowly seeping into my reality but I don't want these dreams to come true. I don't want to deal with it. I can't. There's so much happening now that I don't want to have to worry or care.

What breaks me apart is, I'm better off staying in Melbourne instead of going home. I was planning on going home. And now... It'll be worse if I do. It's like I have no escape. Everywhere I turn, no matter what I do, or how hard I try, something or other just has to happen. Something stupid will come along and fuck everything up.

I'm so damned tired of having to deal with problem after problem. I don't know how much more of all this I can take. I really don't want to be here now. I really have no more energy. I don't want to run away. I just want to make things right. And yet I can't face my problems. I can't. I won't. I've got so much to worry about already, I don't need anymore of this. I just wish.... No. I don't. I can't. No. No no no!

Baph, I need you.

is ignorance really bliss?

No. It is not. But all the same, sometimes I think I speak too soon. I jump to conclusions and I get paranoid. But the bottom line is, I live my life with no regrets. I have begun to understand what it is like to love as though I've never been hurt. Because in a strange way, I find that I'm not so much sad as I am shocked. I've went past all the stages but I keep swerving back towards stages 3 and 4. Even though I already know that even if the opportunity were to present itself, I wouldn't go for it. I can't. I am holding me back.

And do you want to know why? Because we have to love ourselves first. We have to be modest about who we are. I refuse to live my life stepping on other peoples' heads. I do not take pleasure in pushing other people around. If you do not realise that than you do not know love. Love isn't about you you and you. It's a lot of other things, other people. It's a duality, it's a balance. And dualities and balances, I deal very well with.

So the next time you think of screwing someone over, think again. Karma baby, it comes back and bites you when you least expect it to.

shit

You were wrong. You were wrong. I was a fool to believe again. I knew it would happen. It is September after all. The one month that I suffer the most.

I'm still in shock though. Am I contradicting myself yet? I should be by now. How can I still stand to think about what happened. How is it that I miss it already when I know that it was a complete lie. What have I become?

How can I love and despise the same person?

I realise that I've been searching for the flaw. I've been trying to figure out exactly what is missing. What makes this one so perfect to me. And now the smallest of things happens and I jump to the first conclusion that pops into my head.

I have a feeling that she's trying to ask me something. Or tell me something. Why keep me in suspense? Why make me wonder and ask why. Two can play at this game. I'm a lot better at it than I give myself credit for.

I have to be realistic not pessimistic. Can't keep merging the two can I?

My quest for answers is leaving me more muddled than I've ever been. Sometimes I think I should just keep quiet and say nothing. I'm really better off not knowing right?

Wrong. Wrong, Wrong Wrong Wrong WRONG. I found the flaw.

Tian

I had dreams. I dreamt that Madz, Sheela n me were hanging out with Roda. We were swimming. And then I started watching a movie in his car. A left hand drive at that. With a flat screen TV put in. Haha. But that's not the weird part.

I dreamt AJ was in Singapore having dinner with my extended family. In my house, sitting at my dining table. Someone was getting married. No, I don't think it was me. But there we all were, all decked out. Every single person was dressed all formal like. I think Melvyn cooked. Why else would we be having vongole pasta? I remember smiling like there was no tomorrow. Jessica called I think. I don't remember what she said but I was laughing.

Dreams are just dreams aren't they? I know I woke up happy though.

I was talking to Zhang last night. And I realised that things don't have to be so difficult. Things are actually very simple. In my randomness, I asked him what he would do if he had to choose between loving and getting hurt or staying single and being happy. He said " i will love. i will love till my heart breaks or mends. even if the whole world risks to fall, i'll love." Ironically, the same words were playing over and over in my head.

I'm not so afraid anymore. I mean, after all, I am just me. Just a girl. It took me so long to realise the fact that I'm actually happy where I am. Of course more may be better. But right now, things are good. And they're only going to get better for me. And it's al because... of you.

watashi wa... anata wa... aishteru? nai. stuki dakara

Uni was alright. Yes, I went to class. I'm feeling bloated as hell from eating. I might actually explode. In fact I might just go throw up after this.

So I frantically prepared for a presentation that didn't happen. Why? Because I'm only supposed to present next week. Hehe. Well, at least that's one thing down eh? It is my goal to finish all my work in the next two weeks. Sounds like MeL's motivated? I think not. I'm more interested in doing other things.

Believe it or not, I'm actually looking forward to going home. I wake up every morning to familiar faces that I haven't seen in far too long. People I love, people that love me. People I sorely miss. Yes. I miss everybody on my wall. Everybody. Even the people who are here in Melbourne. People that I see nearly every day.

Everyday is still singing in my head. I can imagine it being played and me singing it. Or me listening to someone singing it. Written chords for a piano and not Speranza or Pandora. And I can only imagine it coz I dreamt about it. Why is it that I keep having these dreams? They're beautiful yes, but I always wake up in tears. I don't quite understand it.

I don't understand why I am holding myself back. I don't see why I can do that when it's just me but otherwise it's like something else takes over. I don't understand it at all. Why is it that I fight for something that I know deep down is impossible? Why do I keep hoping and praying. Why is it that I'm addicted to seeing the smile or hearing your laughter? Why does it make me smile ever so slightly? Why is it that it makes me both the happiest and the saddest person alive? Why do I feel like it's being taken away from me? Why is it so difficult for me to just be happy and not paranoid?

I feel like I've slipped from paradise into oblivion with no way out. It's so... dark where I am. I know that my philosophy on life is such that it is what you make it out to be. Why have I made it so that only one person can dig me out? Are you that afraid of me? Do you think I'd break you? Do you think that I'd rip you to shreds? Well... I'm not like that at all. I can't. I care too much.

It's official, I have to stop listening to Makino Yui's You are my Love and the Sinhalese songs on my laptop. They're so messing with my head. That and Don't Know Much. They're making me all sappy.

these dreams, this reality

When you dream a dream of bright light and wings, you know that it's a good dream.

When you dream a dream in a language that you recognise but do not understand, you know that you're searching for answers.

When you live a life where you do not recognise yourself, you know that you're not happy.

But when your dream becomes your reality, you know. You know that in some way, you'll be ok.

My life and my dreams are beginning to merge. Call me crazy but I'm beginning to see things in the mirror. See things that I otherwise would have never cared about. It's scary and yet lovely. I cannot begin to understand my feelings or my thoughts. I do not understand why I care about people so strongly when I do not know them. I do not see why I find a need to make people smile even when it kills me inside.

I do not know. I do not know why I bend backwards. I do not know why every time I sit by myself all I can do is try not to cry. I do not know why I am the way I am. I do not understand why out of no where I smell something so familiar but realise it's not possible for that smell to exist in this moment. Why is it that I still cannot figure out what it is that I really want until it's almost taken away from me.

What kind of monster have I become?

mindless banter and endless scares

Problem resolved! I think. Er... yea. Haha.

Talk about messy man. Messy messy messy. Omfg.

But it's alright. Every thing's ok.

I don't make sense anymore. I think I shall go back to sleep.

PS: You are not allowed to scare me like that! Do not EVER scare me like that!

I don't much. But I know I... Well, You Know

Did I? Did you? Did what?!

I just woke up. Whoa... My head's spinning man.... Shit! I didn't black out or anything. I kept having lucid dreams. I think I dream of what I want. I'm beginning to control the dream. More or less. It's quite amusing really. Except for the part that it wasn't exactly the best dream in the world. My heart is still pounding, My eyes are still glassy. And I really don't want to talk about it.

Ok, what's this rubbish about me better answer my phone?! Huh huh huh? And what about you? Huh?? :P Oh well, your loss. As far as I'm concerned, I had a blast. A total B-L-A-S-T. Of course I would've had even more fun if you lot had come... But since you did not what can I say? Or do? Pfft! I'll find out what happened later. In the mean time, I'm going to go and figure out what's going on in my house.

But really, don't tell me you were offended by the idiot thing. Come on darling, it wasn't a direct insult. In fact it wasn't an insult at all! It was purely playful and drunkards 'intelligence' put together. If I thought you were an idiot I wouldn't have done what I did for you.

Each song I write, no matter how idiotic and stupid, Is a part of me. And I don't write songs just for anybody. I don't put my energy and soul into things that I do not care for.

This is me getting paranoid. Isn't it? This is me getting scared again. This is me beginning to worry. This is me wanting to care. This is me trying. This is just a girl struggling to make something of herself. And I don't want to lose you over some stupid thing that I said.

Shit, my head hurts.

I is being drunk

I am tired and incoherent. I'm amazed that my eyes can still focus on the screen. I still love you and I miss you.

Know who I'm talking about? No? Too fuckin' bad. Your loss... But, yes. Tonight was a good night. It could've been better. If SOME PEOPLE kept their word. But, they did not. I hate lies. I hate them so much. But I suppose the only benefit is that I'm in my room. It's sad. But it is a good thing. Somewhat.

I still love you.
And I miss you.
Come back home.
To stay.

I wish you were here.