hee

BEAUTIFUL ICE PRINCESS/PRINCE .You need distance
between you and your partner in your
relationship. You are very difficult to get.
You have big requirements and this one you love
must try hard to get you. But after she/he melt
your heart she/he will be the most happy person
in the world. You need someone who shoes you
that you are special and it makes you feel
good to see that you are loved. She/He shall
know that you could easily get another
girl/boyfriend but you wont as long as you
love him. when she/he hurts you you will hurt
him too, but in general you dont get hurt. If
your partner cheated you ,you would react cold
and immediately (try to) forget him

the 31st

Happy Samhain!!!
I sit for my exam in about... 13 hours!! w00t! (yea right!)
Then it's the parrrrrtttyy!! :)

Oh, daylight savings started. So I'm 3 hours ahead ya?

love ya!! :)

Shoot MeL

I've finished revising. Somewhat. There're bits of empty spaces here and there but I think I'm good for the exam. The sad thing about it all is I'm bored. Seriously. I miss home and I miss my friends and I miss everyone and everything. Damn it. I'm going to break down if I don't do something quick.

a love hate relationship

I'm the nicest person? That's definitely a first. Oh well. I suppose it's a good thing. All things considering... I mean, look at me, I can be the bitchiest girl on the planet. And untouchable ice queen. And out of no where, I am suddenly the nicest person there. Confusing much? Heh... What's a girl to do eh?

To think that I'll be home in a couple of days. I can't wait. I miss home already. I thought I made amends with everyone to the point where I'm not fighting anymore. Until realise that in making amends I might have made my own worst adversary. I realised that someone I thought I could trust was the last person on earth that I should trust. Just what is it about you that makes me sympathise and want to help when I know for a fact that you TOTALLY don't deserve it? I don't know. I'm going to study and think of things and people that are much more deserving of my time.

Be well my loves. Pray that no one hates you as much as I hate him.

pfft!

Holy shit. There is no end to it is there? No end to your lies at all! You my friend have serious issues. And to think I felt sorry for you. Well, you really did deserve it. You deserve to be cast into the worse pits of hell of the rest of your life and don't expect any of us to sympathise because you seriously blew it this time. Not only were you ridiculously rude, your arrogance and self-consciousness are at painstakingly high levels. So go to hell and tell the devil MeL said hi.

I am the original Evil Twin Syndrome, Psychotic Rock Star AND I wrote The Fine Line Between Truth and Lies!!!

Trying to spite me is not going to work. Trying to make me angry in the morning is not your forte. That pleasure only goes to other individuals. Yes, they do exist. But then they also have the displeasure of having me thrash them. But I finally had the good sleep I needed. I feel a lot better now despite everything that happened yesterday. But before I get preoccupied, there's one thing I need to say.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY INTAN!!!

There you go :) On to other things. Yesterday night, I fell asleep watching Advent Children. I'm not saying it's boring or anything. I was just really tired to the point I couldn't focus my eyes on the screen. It happens. I think I've over burnt myself. Heh... I still want to go and colour my hair. It's proving to be relatively difficult though... *sigh* Talk about a waste of cash huh.

Enough chatter, I need to go get my work done. As well as find out WHY Chen Xu Hao has the same nick name as I.

love sweet love

Today... Started out disastrously. But it got better and better. Than it hit rock bottom again. But that's just it isn't it? Everyone always focuses on the bad things. Not me. Not anymore. I'm going to focus on the good things. And how the people who cared really helped. I was crying and crying. Afraid of what was going to happen next. Jades, Madz, thank you. You have no idea how much your support means to me. Today, I also spoke to someone who I never thought I'd call again. I spoke to my Mariachi. And things are smooth. It was nice talking with him. He can't wait for me to come home too. How cool is that? We shall party! We shall have fun. And finally, but most importantly, we shall be happy. :) Thank you. For everything. Yea, even my wonderful earlier mentioned friends who teased me while I was talking to him. You guys are sweet la...

my spanish malaguena

I'm not sure what's right or what's not. All I know is I'm trying. Hard. Trying to figure out what's been doing on. I'm sorry I called. I do care about you la...Why else would I be making overseas calls while I'm broke beyond reason eh? I am making that effort!!! Please be sage my love. Please be safe.

Love
MeL

melissatini

You Are a Martini

There's no other way to say it: you're a total lush. You hold your liquor well, and you hold a lot of it!

What Mixed Drink Are You?

keep trying. mine mine mine mine mine mine mine!!!

I hate having to pretend to be nice to people who I really can't stand. People I'd rather kill than talk to. Even more so, I get increasingly infuriated with asses that think they're all that... Anyways, on a slightly happier note, Mariachi touches down tomorrow!! Not that it bothers me much at this point but hey. My God... Talking to Jada this morning after class made me think about a LOT of things. My life doesn't suck. But it doesn't exactly rock either. I swear it's the exams and the lack of studying talking.

monstersRus

width="240" height="180"
alt="Monster from the Enchanted Labyrinth"
border="0">

ooo Labyrinth..... David Bowie!!! Ahahaha

spanish indie. i hope it comes to be

Do you have something against me that you have to torment me? What the fuck did I ever do to you? If being truthful was every a crime then I'm guilty. Well, if anyone wants my take on this, you can't be very happy if you're still coming back to see if it affects me. And even if it does, why should you care? What business is it of yours? Why do you always need to come around and bitch at me? Is it my fault that things aren't going well? I had nothing to do with it. I never did. For God's sake, I'm in Australia. I'm not home. Don't you think I have better things to do with my time?

Believe it or not, I do. So it would be especially good if you were to just fuck off eh? And the next time you look for a scape goat, look in the bloody mirror. You keep trying to blame other people for your own faults but everyone else can see it. You're only lying to yourself.

Shit happens for a reason right Jada? I'm desperately trying to cling on to it. I love you girl. Madz and Intan too.

considering the possibility is a waste of my time. and yet i find myself considering it all the same. maybe daddy was right.

How can you say you love someone and then tell them you don't want to be with them? And just as quickly, decide that you do? Does any of this make any sense to you at all? Sure, I've broken up with people that I love. And of course if it's to make them choose between you and someone else, then it's a different story. Fine. Maybe it isn't. Maybe the fact that you had to do something that drastic to make them choose is in itself a big enough factor to get stop seeing him/her/whatever. Perhaps things aren't as simple as I thought they were. But isn't it supposed to be? I know that love itself has millions of grey areas but ultimately there are some things that just make it simple. It's either the 2 of you or nothing at all. Cutting friendship aside that is. Friendship. Being friends with the one you're going out with. I used to think it to be important. Now... Now I don't. Who says you've got to be friends first? That's just a minor technicality. But what counts is that you have trust. And where does this trust come from? How can you trust someone you barely know? Maybe that's why the first couple of months is all happy happy. Because there is no reason to distrust. And the problem with me is - paranoia for starters. But more importantly, is I trust people too easily. Just as easily as I distrust them. The minute I get thrown into paranoia, I stop trusting. It's that clear to me. It's not that I don't want to work at the relationship. I don't believe that I should have to fight with thousands of other women. Aren't I special enough? I may not be gorgeous or without my flaws, but if there has to be a decision to choose, then why am I wasting my time.

why do you keep calling her ur ex when I already know her name

I spent the good part of last night and this morning bitching and whining and complaining. Therefore not getting any work done. At all. Not good. Not good not good not goood!!!!

The conversations that took place last night were not good at all. But talking to Jada and Madhavi today reaffirmed my thoughts. I spoke to my mom about it too. And she's surprised to find that I've really matured. *Gee thanks mom* But yea... I don't see a point in it either. It's not just about me or about you. It's more than just the individual or the two. It's everyone else along the way. It's not that simple now is it?So here's the deal. Things always happen for a reason. I didn't do things knowing what was gonna happen next. I never thought about it. I've done a lot of stupid things in my day. I sure as hell hope this isn't one of them.

hope where there is none

Ok. I took a chill pill (metaphorically). I'm calm. Relatively collected. A little disappointed. Prematurely disappointed. But it is unbecoming of me to have faith in things that are not probable. And the probability of these things are low. Incredibly low. Call it low self confidence if you want.

I have no time for such childish rants. Or so I'd like to believe. My assignments, exams and priorities are screaming at me. I have a great deal of things to do and deal with and relationships of any kind are the last thing that should be on my mind.

I've been watching the Princess Diaries 2: The Royal Engagement far too many times for comfort. It's a chick flick made for young girls to believe in their dreams and something about how miracles do happen etc etc. As a media practitioner, I'm trained to see through the bull shit of it all. It's not my fault that people seem to learn things from fiction. Yes... I know... It's every girls' dream to have that one perfect relationship and that one perfect marriage. But all in all, the more I think about it, my relationships have been shit. Quite literally. They are a messy excuse of existence that were wonderful initially before taking a quick turn to the dumps.

There go my childhood dreams. Good bye. You will be sorely missed.

you're still mine. heh.

What is the point of caring about people who don't give a fuck? What is the point of being all nice to people who you really would rather just murder on the spot? What makes that one person so damned special that you go back on everything you stand for? (ie being nice to people you really don't like)

Ok fine. Maybe it's not about people you don't like but people you agree to disagree with. Or those righteous holier than thous who can't seem to believe that other people might know more than they do about the topic at hand. Like religion. I think near 20 years of being a catholic (of which 17 were devout), I should at least know a thing or two?

How is it that one person can make you so agitated that you land up digging up all the little annoying things that you once put behind you? I'll fucking tell you how. It's when you get too deeply engrossed/involved in them that you make your life circulate around theirs and theirs inevitably circulates around yours. And then you realise that shit, there're other more important things in life. But by the time that happens it's too fucking late.

Luckily for me, it is not too late. Why? Because it's not a crime to miss your friends. And I will not pretend that Mariachi wasn't a friend. In fact he was a pretty damned good one. I just don't think I have patience to deal with any of this bull shit anymore.

So before you lot come bombarding me with questions and what not, go fuck yourselves.

multifidus multiply meltiply

Oh my God. It's Monday. I didn't realise it was Monday until I was walking back from Einstein's with Jada! Haha... Chris (yes that one...) asked her to help him take a picture of him and some Chinese girl I suspect is from China. Long permed hair types. Ah well. Apparently people have been talking about my staying in doors? And how I don't come outside anymore? Is that right? Hmmmmm... Not to my knowledge at least...

All the same, I picked up my notes from Uni! So I can do my work now!! Yay yay yay... Oh I crashed an Anatomy lecture. My backaches are caused by an over stressed multifidus. Hee :)

life's trials lead to peace and the love of those who care

No dial tone? Probably the reception being a bitch again. I was sleeping actually. I've not been clubbing. More just hanging out. My bed time has gotten earlier and earlier. I lack energy to be out. Hah...

I know the whole mental break down thing yesterday was pretty much uncalled for. But hey. It was just one of those days. Consoling people really isn't my forte now is it? Makes me remember all the shit I went through. And that really isn't good at all. But I'm ok. I'll be fine. My body is still half here and half there so I can't do much. So as my mind deteriorates, the rest of my body just watches, unable to do anything. I don't understand how or why I've become like this. But this isn't the time to worry about that is it? I'm tired. Exhausted. Need to sleep more but it's almost 12 already and I should be awake.

I'm worried about a lot of things. I'm afraid of many. Even though I know I can't afford to be. I miss my boys. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I don't like being without them. I hate the fact that I have to be to secure a future for myself. Perhaps I should have stuck with Singapore and NUS. Perhaps I should have but I didn't. But there're still places that I can call my own. There're still places that I can safely say I belong to. This place is one of them but I don't like to call Melbourne home. When I was in Singapore countless friends here kept asking me when I was coming home. Have they taken this foreign land to be their new homes the way I see Sin Ming Avenue as mine? The scarey thing is I missed it here when I was back. And now I can't wait to get home so much so that I just want to haphazardly complete my work just so that I'll scrape through and never have to look back on it. Sad isn't it? *sigh*

I suppose the reason why I'm like this is that I miss the people I love. I miss them all. Hell, I miss the huge mess that's waiting for me. Just for me. Ok fine the mess this time wasn't my doing but hey, it's a part of me now and nobody has any kind of right to take it away from me. But I miss him, I miss them. I miss everyone. I love you guys. And how you all are always there for me. I wish I could do the same for you. But this is life. This is the way it's supposed to be. We all have to go through it at one point or another.

my last thought will be of good times

I write this as I'm half dead and tired of writing my paper that seems to be focusing more on terrorism. Heh.

I miss you. Sounds crazy but I do. Geographically you're nearer to me than the others but it still feels like you're even further away. I'm in one of my sappy moods. My brain went on melt down earlier. I started to think I really couldn't make it. But I've been like that before haven't I? And in a way you told me to hang in there and I did. It was recent. Very recent. I still remember the strange things I said from burning 10 over discs for one movie? That was stupid la... That was really stupid... I must've been really tired or really high or drunk or all 3. :)

God... I'm turning into such a child just thinking about it. And I'm turning 20! 20 for crying out loud!! But there's still something left for me isn't there... In this life I mean. I still believe...

Heaven save me But I'm down to one last breath...

caged bird syndrome and the dependancy of love

Somebody please point a gun at my head and fire. I hate everything about what I'm doing. Studies wise, social wise... everything. I hate it. I know I've had a good life. I still have it really but I don't feel like I deserve it. It's so bloody difficult to just take each breath. It's becoming tedious to live up to all the expectations there are ahead of me. And I'm beginning to resent this very existence. I hate it when I give up and even more so, I hate the feeling of failure. And guess what? I'm failing. I'm not talking about Uni stuff. It's just everything in general. I don't like seeing the people I love get hurt. But the stupid thing is, when they're happy, I want to be able to attain that happiness too. It's like I'm never satisfied with the happiness that I have. Annoying isn't it? I know in a twisted way I am happy. I just don't like how I got to being happy. It's like I'm either depending on someone else's happiness for me to find my own or I'm too busy to give a damn about the emotion altogether.

I feel like I've hit a dead end in my life that I just can't get out of. I know that I'm probably just really stressed out and home sick. Yes, I know I was just home last week. It's been a week since I've been back here and yet I'm feeling the same feelings I felt when I first came here. Intense lost and loneliness even though I have so many friends around. I hate it that people choose to disagree to agree. They aren't even talking. It's not a miscommunication because none has taken place.

Saf was right, I wouldn't be able to survive a Gregorian society. I just can't. I'm too much of a social creature that has grown dependant on others to survive. I don't like it but hey, that's what I am isn't it? What am I supposed to do? Force myself into seclusion? Just lock the doors and not answer anyone's calls? I could do that. For a day. I don't know if I could for any longer though.

The only thing keeping me going now is the task at hand and then I'm home free. Literally.

dream gifts

oh my god!!!!! I saw! I want! I WANT but will never be able to afford... the new iPods!!! Check them out at the apple site!! And they come in black too!!! :D

the concept of care

It's chaotic to dream about fighting with the people you love, let alone taking your own life and have them standing there not even caring. Well... It was a rude awakening I'll tell you that. As much as I miss home, I don't want to go back to a place where I have to deal with nothing but mess. Honestly. MESS. And from the looks of things, just as the major issues seem to simmer all the little minor ones are popping up like daisies. For God's sake people, can you PLEASE deal with your own shit versus telling me your sap stories expecting me to make them better. What do I look like? An emotions doctor? Bloody hell, I can barely keep my own emotions in check let alone watch out for every other person on the planet... Argh...

Why is it that when it comes to the crunch people are so self involved? Don't they care about what they're doing to others? The people they call their friends? Seriously, there is no room in this world to panic or worry or be scared. I know... Coming from me it's a huge contradiction but at least I'm trying. Can you say the same for yourselves?

I can safely say that while I sink and rise in and out of depression, I'm a happier person. Someone who can look at all the things she's done and be happy about them. Sure there have been an increasing number of situations that I plunged myself into out of my own free will. Yea, I'm not very proud of them but what they hell right? Who cares? It's all been said and done. And if I had never partaken in them, I wouldn't know what I know now would I? I have no time or patience to screw with people's minds anymore. Note the anymore. I've seen it all. I've gone through hell and I made it back alive. I took a bit of it with me and it's making me stronger. To my babes who're going through their own versions of hell, hang in there. You've only to benefit from the experience. Don't back down now that you've come so far. Just think of the good times and look forward to many more. Life isn't about suffering. It's about having fun and not looking back. It's about going out there and fighting for what's yours. (Or what you want to be yours for that matter.) I'm no guru in that arena as you all know but still, we all can get what we want. It's just a matter of how hard we try and even if we don't, there's a pretty good reason behind it.

To the one I loved, I'm sorry to have found out the way I did. I'm sorry about what happened. And I'm sorry I lacked any form of trust in you. What can I say? I couldn't and still possibly can't. It doesn't really matter anymore does it? If that what you think? Well, it does matter. We're nothing without trust.

And to the one who knows I'm pissed, I hope things get better. Yes, I was angry. Yes, I know I left without saying anything. You're family to me. I wish I could help. Heck, I thought I did help. But I swear the feeling of trying so hard and realising that there's nothing you can do is the worst feeling on earth. To care so much about a person that doesn't seem to give a fuck. I believe in you. And I believe that you do give a fuck. Just remember, you have to really want it for it to work. You have to really want it.

Well... with regards to my current situation, I still feel too lazy to do my assignments. They're due in less than a week and procrastination has gotten the better of me. Not good. Not good at all. I'm not in a partying mood. I actually DO want to finish my work and survive the first semester but I can't be fucked! Seriously! Part of me doesn't care and part of me does. I just want to hang out with my friends. I've got way too many things on my mind to fully concentrate.

Oh by the way, Shawn? You're an idiot. And you'd be hot if you weren't such a jerk. :)

what is love?

I should've believed you. I really should have. It's not nice being jilted is it? Or being left by someone you thought you could spend the rest of your life with only to realise that the person found someone else? That's the reason I'm not really pushing anything with Mariachi. I wouldn't be able to handle it either. I'm not one to mess around. Not anymore. I mean I used to be like that but hey... It's about time I stopped. I've had enough. I've really had enough.

Well... I hope that things are ok with you. I hope things work out in your favour. I was shocked when I found out and I really didn't know if I wanted to believe you but hey... My own head is on a major rush at the moment so yea... Just hang in there. You'll be ok. We all will. :)

I had the worst dream I've had since I came to Melbourne. I dreamt of home. And things were worse. Things were really bad. Like really bad. But hey... I'm dealing with it. I've dealt with him.

missing the mariachi. the alcoholic indie rocker sleeps....

Another day wasted to nothingness. I was supposed to go for a friend's birthday party at this club called Billboards but I didn't in the end... Too tired for one and not in the mood to party. So instead I stayed in, watched Inital D (again) and gave myself a facial. Haha... My friends were laughing so hard. It did kinda look silly. The Neutrogena face mask does that. But I swear my skin was singing by the time I was done :D

And that was it. Oh oh oh! Jada made baked rice... Omg it was sooo good. But soo filling. I'm getting pretty worried. I think I'm becoming a bloody alcoholic. Not good. Not good at all....

he does care

Today's been a relatively good day I guess. I went for Psych Tut. Haha FINALLY... That makes a grand total of 3 this sem but yea... I'm still al ittle worried about what's going to happen to Globalisation and stuff... But but but, there's no time to worry. I have work to do! And yet I'm too damned lazy to do it. It's not like I didn't start but you know...

All the good things about yesterday added centimetres to my all time high of happiness and peace. The Beach Club elections are today. But that's all I'm going to say about it :)

My mom thinks I shouldn't call her too often coz it drains my credit. That's true I guess but you know me. I call home every day. To talk to tonnes of different people! I can't help it haha...

My happiness is my own. No one can take that away from me!

the mariachi and the indie rocker

what

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Ok honestly, I do not fall in love easily. And charity? I'll do it but I'm not big on it. It's me. What can I say. Makes me sound like a real bitch doesn't it? But how many of you can honestly say that you'd go out there and do charity work?

My sentiments exactly.

Anyways, I'm going home in a little under 3 weeks! Yay!! I leave Melbourne at 5pm and reach Singapore at 9:40pm on November 3rd! w00t w00t w00t!!! The shitty thing is, it's a longer flight. 7h 40 minutes. Thank God I'm on SQ. I'd be shooting myself if I weren't.... :P

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you. At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise. In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are. How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic. Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

Finally one that fits. In more ways than one. :)

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Hahaha!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 31% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell... But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

Your Mood Ring is Blue

Relaxed At ease Calm Lovable

Mood Ring Generator

Ok ok ok... I know I've gone on a quiz frenzy. But hey, what can I say? Jada and Celia have gotten me hooked :) I love you girls!

Oh oh oh oh oh! I spoke with Mariachi today hehe :)

gnite peeps

*grin*

You're a Shy Kisser

You *do* love to kiss, once your comfortable with it And that means knowing the person you're kissing pretty well You usually don't make the first move when it comes to making out But you've got plenty of intensity in return

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

I am? :)

my mariachi

I had a dream last night. That I had people to protect. People who were depending on me. And I was scared but only for a little while. Until I realised that there was no room for fear. There were people who looked up to me. I had to find the way out. I had to help them. And waiting at the end would be the one person who's waiting just for me.

I guess that's how it works in life isn't it? Once you hit the end of one road, there'll always be someone or something waiting there. Just for you. Someone who you trust. The one person in the world that you feel safe with. That's what's keeping me going now. Just that one person. I don't know who it is. I have no real confirmation that he exists. But still, I'll have to believe just in that don't I? Whether or not it's Mariachi or not. Whether he is El or not, I have to move forward and never look back.

blah

hehehe

Today was alright. I might fail one of my subjects coz of attendance. Urk... *sigh*

My mind is on other things though. I don't know if I should classify them as more important but you know...

pixies

"I have to believe. All the precious stories. How the world is made of Faith and Trust.... and Pixie Dust" - Jonatha Brooke

Sad yet inspiring. I'll just have to try, give it everything I can and see where that leads me.

Tagged!

See Pete? Even if you don't tag me, Celia will! HAH! :)

Ten years ago, I was...

9 turning 10 which would have meant I was in Primary 4? Marymount made us all take Swimming as a CCA but I loved it considering I loved swimming. I was also best friends with Arvinder, Andrea and Deborah (who I've lost contact with. I wonder how she is...)

Five years ago, I was...

Feeling really angsty towards Rick. Haha! And perpetually talking to Luke and Kenny. I was also under strict supervision from my parents who didn't take my being close to guys more than girls too kindly. I was also close friends with Azura. In fact, that was the age where this dude 3 years older than I, whose name I shall not mention here, had a huge thing for me. He also got my C-Watch confiscated. Oh oh! My father threatened to cut my cell phone line which I still use to this day. :)

One year ago, I was...

A year ago I was having the time of my life having the greatest friends alive (Geoff, Luke, Kenny and Rick in no particular order). I was also smoking like a chimney with my brother who I love to bits. I was designing and writing for Urbanwire. Those were good days. Heck... I was with Saf then too. It was a hard, fun and totally enriching period of time where I learned who really cared about me.

Yesterday, I was...

I spent the day relaxing in cold cold Melbourne. Yes, the temperature dropped again. I drew 2 images and wrote text for them for Mariachi who I really think I should stop mentioning. :P I also went grocery shopping and there, decided that I should really cut down on my smoking and drinking habits. I talked to Madz and Jades for the longest time without feeling the lack of sleep take over. Intan cooked really yummy goreng pasta. :)

Five snacks I enjoy...

1. Salada Light Rosemary & Garlic
2. Jack and Jill potato chips
3. Ben & Jerry's! The one with Cinnamon that Addie bought for me!
4. Life Savers ice cream
5. Vanilla flavoured Yoghurt

Five songs I know all the words to...

1. Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls
2. Kuki - Shiina Rigo
3. Colorblind - Counting Crows
4. Fabled Angst Machine - Electrico
5. Everlong - Foo Fighters

Five things I would do with 100 million dollars...

1. pay for my education (including paying my parents back)
2. buy myself a house here in Melbourne
3. Shop and shop and shop!
4. Buy the apple store out
5. go home

Five bad habits...

1. procrastination
2. paranoia
3. smoking
4. drinking
5. over spending

Five biggest joys...

1. hearing from my loves
2. knowing that someone does love me
3. having the freedom to do what you want when you want how you want
4. making music
5. having the best friends in the entire world

Five favourite toys...

1. Thessaly (Geoff's and my daughter - My PowerBook)
2. Pandora (My Guitar)
3. My hand phone
4. My Orange Zippo
5. My PS2

Five places I would runaway to...

1. Home
2. Rome
3. New York
4. Hong Kong
5. Czech Republic

Five things I would never wear...

1. neon colours
2. frills
3. puffs
4. anything that makes me want to gag
5. things I wouldn't buy :P

Five favourite TV shows...

1. CSI Las Vegas
2. Buffy
3. Gray's Anatomy
4. The Simpson
5. Friends

Five fictional characters I would date...

1. Jess - Gilmore Girls
2. Jack Sparrow - Pirates of the Carribean
3. Faramir - The Lord of the Rings
4. Renji - Bleach
5. Kakashi - Naruto

Five people I tag...

1. Cia!
2. Madhavi
3. Jada
4. Intan
5. Liy

you're not really mine are you? As much as I wish you were.

I need help?! YOU NEED HELP! YOU ARE IN NEED OF SERIOUS HELP! Please go get someone to take a look at your head. Honestly. How dare you say shit like that call because you've got some wonderful PhD or because you're white. Do you think that all Asians can't speak the language? Do you think your command of English is immaculate? Please... There is a reason why I don't turn up for your lectures. KNNCCB!

Life here is getting more and more depressing by the second as I somehow sink deeper into pessimism and the close to real thought of things not working out. I'm only fooling myself into thinking that they will aren't I? For crying out loud, if you weren't where you were and distance and money weren't an option maybe, then just maybe things would be a little better. But hey. We'll see eh? We'll just have to see now don't we.

jag alskar dig

I was at Celia's. Haha

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

Candy Cigarettes

You're a total badass, but you don't taste very good.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

I do know people who beg to differ thank you very much.

What Your Underwear Says About You

When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble! You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front. Shy and private, you yearn for security. You take relationships slowly. You need lots of reassurances before you can trust.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

You Should Get a JD (Juris Doctor)

You're logical, driven, and ruthless. You'd make a mighty fine lawyer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Lawyer? But I'm studying to be a Doctor! Pfft.

You Are an Indie Rocker!

You are in it for the love of the music... And you couldn't care less about being signed by a big label. You're all about loving and supporting music - not commercial success. You may not have the fame and glory, but you have complete control of your career.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

You were right Mig. You were right.

Your Ideal Relationship is Polyamory

You want to have your cake... and everyone else's. Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too! You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship. You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

eh?

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Livia Pereira

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

looook!! I'm a Pereira :)

Ok enough of quizzes this early in the day. I'm still tired. I dreamt I was in Singapore and that I had a pool in my house that stretched out to the basement. (Basements in Singapore?!) I think it was a carpark or something. Anyways, I was there with Mariachi himself and there was a Jaguar Shark in it. Yea. A Jaguar Shark. All because Mariachi and I were talking about the Jaguar Mario game. Don't ask.... And when I asked my mom where the pool stretched to, she just told me not to think about sneaking people in that way. Sheesh.... Than I got into an argument with my Dad. Why? Because I was going into Army. And he didn't want me to be posted to the same place he was and I was pissed off about it. Oh I was apparently a Sergeant. Ahaha! Talk about funky eh?

jag alskar dig peeps

you belong to me i belong to you

My Mariachi. I'm scared. I worry. I miss you. I don't know if you miss me too but hey. I do. Take care of yourself k? I care. I do.

ARGH!!!

FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

never let you go

In less than 2 months I won't be a teenager any more. But then again, when in my life have I ever really been a teenager? I was a child throughout secondary school, forced into independence and adulthood at the age of 14. By the time I was 16 I already knew that there was little that I could do to regain any sense of childlike bliss. It was ripped away by the one person I care for most in this world. The one person that I miss all the time. Even when he's right in front of me or in the next room or even when I'm talking to him. I never got to say good bye or I love you. I just didn't have it in me anymore. What you did... It was regrettable to put it lightly. Disappointing yes. But still... I begin to realise that I'm capable of worse. And when you realise the seriousness of it all, I worry that it will be too late for you. But. Know this. We are family. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will change the fact that I still worry and care. I still love you.

Don't you just hate it? The minute that you're alone and all the things you swore that you'd never worry about flood your mind and you realise that you have no way out. No matter how hard you look or drown yourself in work, there's always that one little or not so little thing that will remain and will land up bugging the shit out of you? That's what I'm feeling. That's what I face every single day of this dismal life that I chose for myself. No doubt that it was the only good decision to make at the time. But I'm not proud of the things I landed up doing along the way. I sometimes wish I had never left home. I wish that I hadn't left the people that I love so much. And yet when you really think about it, if I hadn't, I would never have met this whole new world of people and places that I've come to be attached to.

So. The question of whether I'll remain here or return to my origins finally has an answer. I will never leave home if I can help it. Never.

you belong to me and i belong to you

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang
Chorus-

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Everlong - Foo Fighters

Just guess who I dedicate this song to. Hahaha... I miss you loads. Be safe.

Luff
MeL

kill the girl

Ok. I'm back in Melbourne. So much has happened. So little time. I'll just have to live with the mess of it all I suppose. One thing I don't like is the fact that my throat is so damned congested it's annoying. I still wish that someone would come shoot me coz I really don't want to have to deal with anymore of this shit. That's how bad it is. That is how bad it all is.

yikes

Sometimes, I don't understand why I do the things I do. Ok fine. Almost all the time. I do things because I feel like it. I've always felt that way. And now? Aren't I in a fix. People, if you thought my lifestyle in Australia was bad, it gets a lot worse.

hitting the fan

Allah to MeL: u honestly think hypocrisy is the worst? shouldn't it be playing god by taking another person's life?? aka murder etc? and this hypocrisy thing is really getting abit old for an excuse to be bad.
MeL: Hypocrisy is worse than anything anyone could ever think of or do.
MeL: do what you want when you want how you want. if you want to fast, then do it. if you don't want to but have people force you to, I don't think God's gonna be happy about it.

Whoever it is probably won't get to see this but what do I care eh? Here are just some random thoughts that popped into my head.
1. Yes, it is what I think
2. The second question about playing God either makes no sense or is grammatically incorrect.
3. If the same comment mentioned in point 2 is against playing God, then whoever it is should not be labelling themselves as Allah
4. What I've said is my opinion and you're entitled to yours. I just happen to believe in doing things sincerely and not monotonously. So if you're trying to tell me what to think, I have one small request - Fuck Off.

I just find it amusing that people seem to love dictating their nonsense to me. Be it on Liy's tagboard or not.

And finally, I know I've said it a million times at least, but here it is again just for kicks. I do what I want, when I want, with/to whoever I want, how I want and there is nobody who can stop me. :) But of course you are more than welcome to try. You're entitled to doing what you want too. Unless of course you think hypocrisy is a cover up for being bad and therefore leading you to do things that you really don't want to do which is insulting not to mention a complete waste of time.

And now, considering my very rough holiday as well as my lack of shut eye plus my overly high blood-alcohol levels, I am going to watch a movie and fall asleep. Good night.

PS: I can't wait to leave this place.

mine

Sure I belong here. I belong where every single thing screws up beyond reason. Coming home has taught me ONE valuable lesson. You either watch out for yourself or watch yourself fall.

happiness is what you make of it

Last night was fun. It's been a long while. Subways, drinks at Walla... Raspberry Absolut... Topped off with Full Metal Panic and Advent Children. It was nice seeing you again Saf. Really. I was just really tired though...

Being home has that effect on me I guess? I love the people here. I could live better if the weather weren't so infernal. Wonder what's next. I can't help but be excited. I have 2 homes. One's here and the other? Melbourne. Being torn sucks doesn't it. But hey, my life is there now. There's nothing left for me here. Nothing much anyways. Just family. And loves. People I'd never give up.

Perhaps that's all I really need to be happy isn't it? It's all I need.

you're mine whether you know it or not

Anyone who knows me well enough will know better than to ask me stupid questions. Anyone who knows me even the slightest bit will know better than to bombard me with questions pertaining to things that either a, have nothing to do with them, or b, i don't want to talk about.

In the event any of these simple rules that govern my cortex are broken, I sink into a depressive and aggressive state of mind where I really don't want to have to deal with any one or any thing.

Coming home has done exactly that for me. Yesterday was a bloody disaster from waking up, to taking pictures, to carrying my nephew, to meeting Mig for that 5 minutes that I didn't have to stare familia in the eye and pretend that nothing was wrong, to the minute I spoke to Jada on Skype to the instant I fell asleep dreaming about Bikinis (for some reason or other).

Nothing about the day was good. Everything that happened only served to make me more upset that I ever should be. And that's what this place does. I love it but sometimes it gets to me. And there really isn't anything I can do about it except wait to leave.

All I'm asking of you is to wait. And if you can't do it, then fuck off. I'll be back for near 4 months then. Just fucking wait.

mine. you are mine.

Hooligan Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Awww... Cute...

I realise that I've gotten too involved to adopt the can't be fucked attitude. This is blood. This is family. This is my will. And the will of those I love. I can't believe this option never crossed my mind. Heh.

possibilities and impossibilities

I saw it coming. Let's put it this way. I really saw it coming. And I got used to it. I don't care anymore. You want to be like that, then go ahead. Seriously, go right ahead. I don't give a flying fuck at this point. Besides, we all know I don't really give a damn.

On happier notes, I met up with Tasha. After so long. I finally met up with her and spent the day with her. That was the highlight of me coming home. Honestly.