remebering the not so distant past, dream of the future that is out of reach

I remembered more than I wanted to. I saw what I wanted to forget. I embed my thoughts in misery don't I? I smelt something that I had not smelt in such a long time. Why. Why did it scare me so much. Something that never used to scare me. The last time that scent and I crossed paths was in Singapore. In the middle of the night. When Adam was barely one and my brother still lived with me. The smell that scared the living flame out of me. The smell that kicked up all my defences.

Another smell. Today. The one that used to make me feel safe. The smell that now makes me feel sick. The smell, the smile, the look, the touch, the dream, the reality. The one that I wanted to both erase and keep near me forever. The smell the makes my head spin. The same one that paints a smiled on my face and makes my blood boil. God. I never want to associate myself with that again.

It's 5 in the morning and I'm wide awake. It was a good thing that Madhavi woke me up from my not so blissful sleep. There can be no rest for the wicked can there. There can be no rest for me. No peace at all. I'm sure it must be happy to see me in this state. Considering that I still am pretty unstable. Walking around like this is not a good idea. I can't do it. I stand to lose everything don't I? That's why I'm so afraid. But really, what can it take from me that hasn't been ripped from me before? Love? Bah... Music? Done that. Family? Oh please. Really. What more do you want. What more is there left of me to give? My love? My heart? My soul? Me? Is that what you're after? What sanity I have left? IF you want it, I'm right here. I'm not hiding. I'm making no attempt to hide. Come on, I dare you. Just try. Do you think that I'll make it easy? I doubt so. Where's the fun in making things easy? I hate it when things are too easy. It always means that's something's not quite right. I like being able to work for what I want. To have it just like that is too... boring. I can never fully appreciate the thigns that I get too easily.


You are such a bitch you know that? You have some nerve. Not a single word that has been uttered from your mouth has had any merit. You only look out for yourself with little regard of who you knock down along the way. And you knew how I felt. You knew what was happening. Still, the choice you made was denial. It makes me sick. It makes me pity you for not being able to be strong enough to accept the consequences of your actions. And you know what, that is the only thing that is keeping you safe from it. Becasue it knows that if it tries anything with you now, I wouldn't care. Fine, that isn't true. I would care but it is not within my jurisdiction or power to control.

So go on. I dare you. What more do you think you can do to me that I haven't already faced? I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of anything. I have made sufficient preparations. All I need to do is say the word and it will be done. Quite literally. So nameless one, what say you. Have you got the guts to stand against me and those I love? I think... not. But still, if you think you do, let me know. I'll be more than willing to wipe the universe with your ass.

Do you ever wonder where
We would be if we'd have tried
A little harder?
It seems like yesterday
That we were making plans
For the future
But it's been so long
Since I have known the truth
These dreams we've left abandoned
And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
These memories slip away
The ghost of what we were
Is fading
But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night
I was dying
Now I don't even recognize
The girl I swore that someday
I would marry
But I can't forget her face
And I can't forget her kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still remember so much
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
God I remember so much

Stabbing Westward, I remember