You know, I couldn’t sleep last night. I think I finally nodded off at 4. I tried to sleep though, really. I tried to keep it together but I couldn’t. Exhaustion from heaving and dehydration probably got to me after a couple of hours.

Ironically I made the journey to work in one piece and ended up caving when I left to have a smoke. It’s hard to do these little things now. Especially when everything I do, think and feel brings a memory or ten to mind. As I write this, I realize that I’m just plain not hungry. I only survived my morning because there were things to do. And now that the dust is settling, I’m arriving at the realization that this is real, the thing that I’ve been dreading for the past 4 years is really happening and I can’t run away from them any more.

I thought that I’d be ok with it this time knowing that we’ve come a long way. Guess you can’t really prepare yourself for these kinds of things. I can’t even say for sure that it would’ve been easier or harder if the wait hadn’t been this long. All the same, at least we had the time together. There are others who are in far worse positions than I am and I feel guilty for all this self pity but I think I’m entitled to it.

I think I took time for granted. I don’t think I treasured it enough even though I spent almost all my free time with him or how sometimes I’d get angry for no reason or I’d lash out at everyone and everything around me.

At the end of the day it’s a good thing. This new opportunity I mean. Granted the track record isn’t exactly stellar but I’m not going to say that it’s going to be the same as the others because I know without a fraction of a doubt that it’s not. A part of me is convinced that it’s because I’m not there. I’m not there to distract him from what needs to be done. I’m quite self hating in that sense.

This was why I never wanted to fall in love again though. I hate the sadness with an absolute passion and I hate the emptiness even more. It’s much easier to be angry with people.

I miss you Sanjay. I miss you more than my tears can say.