in all honesty, when will the yuckiness end?!

Another long long while.

Bali was fabulous. I had so much fun! Thank you Sanjay for going with me  Granted we did get sick but for the most part I was happy I got to spend time away from everything else.

So Sunday I was at Peter’s wedding. Pretty much hung out with Luke and Tristan all day. Ended up drinking lots of wine and ended up with a massive headache after having walked out in the sun. So much for catching a movie as planned.

I sound very rushed and disjointed, I know. I’m still not feeling all together well. I can’t stare at the screen for too long. God knows how I managed leveling and instances really. I’m still having a massive headache, body is aching and water tastes metallic. Not entirely sure what’s wrong with me but I think I just need rest.

As usual I’m just pushing my body a bit too far and I suppose I won’t be trying out the water diet today. If I already can’t focus the water only thing will probably be the end of me :P That or my colleagues won’t know how to handle me haha!

The past week has made me realize how entirely unsatisfied I really am about what I’m doing with myself here. I thought that this might’ve been it and I was happy and good at what I was doing. Nothing like a big slap in the face to tell me otherwise. Benefit is, I’m still young and I’ve still got time to turn it around and fix it right? I hope.

I got away and while it may not sound like much of an achievement, I was really glad that I managed to afford my own holiday and not have to rely on any one to pay for randomness for me coz I had the cash to do it myself. It’s really fulfilling in a weird way to be self reliant. Kinda. But it also showed me one thing – that when I get to do the things I want and prove to myself that I can do it with minimal help I feel so much better about myself. And now that I’m back here I’m beginning to wonder if I have that kind of avenue.

On the way to work today I was listening to shuffled music as usual and for some reason the theme from 3 Musketeers bothered me a lot more than it used to. I like Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart. No real opinion on Sting, no offence but whatever. And I’ve listened to the song so many times but this morning just listening to it put me in a funk. I have yet to figure out why.

I think that maybe I need to just take a couple of days off to just rest and do whatever. It sounds dumb I know but it feels like I need a holiday from my holiday. Does that make sense? Coz every time I go on some trip or other I always come back wanting a rest and just time to do my own things. Sadly the problem with home now that while I have the freedom to do whatever whenever, I always feel obligated to do randomness that I don’t really want to. Before, I could just stay in and totally isolate myself. With my housemates in Melbourne I could do just that, have people around me but not feel as though I have to sit and make small talk. With Sanjay it’s really easy though, we both have our own things and I’m fine with us doing different things at the same time. We used to do that so often. Granted that it’s mostly me playing game and him watching the tele or napping or playing games himself :P But that’s the thing, it’s like a stress-free togetherness whereas here, while we can do that it’s the time spent moving from one place to another get what I mean? I swear I think I have to cart my laptop around from now on.

In the office I’m pretty much autonomous but I feel like I really lack direction. I get the sourcing for new business thing. I know how to cold call, I can present things to clients but at the end of the day, I’m still pretty wet behind the ears pitching to them. I can handle the existing accounts but I hate pushing people for the things that I need to get the job done. I prefer to be able to do things myself instead of having to wait for 10,000 other things and peoples and always have to bend backwards. I get that you’re busy and that you have shit to do as well but you aren’t the only ones with deadlines damnit. And because you screw with my deadlines I have to screw back with yours. See the vicious cycle? Just because I don’t yell at you doesn’t make it ok to just walk all over me.

I’m at a point where I wonder if it’s the job the industry or just here that I’m getting tired of because I have SO MUCH TIME on my hands. I know that I could spend the entire day cold calling but what’s the point when I don’t even have a basis of a direction? The whole abandoned orphan syndrome is star ting all over again and couple that with the deep yuckiness that I’m feeling in my gut?

Sanjay attributes this to my being sick and my stubbornness not to see a doctor. As it is I’m sick so often it’s crazy. Not to mention a lot of people think that I just make shit up to tell the doctor so that I get out of going to work. Honestly, I CAN take leave idiots. Why would I spend 30-40 a pop to get a day off work?! Seriously I’m not that stupid….

I’m ranting because I’m still feeling off. I want to hang out with friends but I feel obligated to stay home. I really want a hug but I also want to sleep. I need rest but I have to force myself to stay awake and appear productive even though my productivity has sunken below anything I’ve ever imagined. I want so much to be in love with what I’m doing again.