home sweet home?

You know, it's different. Each time I come back. It's not as if I don't like it here. I guess I'd be happier if the weather improved or at least my freedom weren't curtailed. On some level I miss Melbourne. But honestly, it's good to be home.

One step at a time I guess. There's a lot more to life than.. you know

Insolent pond scum.

It is my honest opinion that half the totaly number of people on the internet cannot speak or type proper English. Honestly, I cannot imagine myself 'toking lyk dis'. Fucking annoying. Servers me right for going friendster surfing huh.

I mean come on! A little bit of singlish here and there is manageable but for fuck's sakes an entire profile in singlish?! That's ridiculous. Seriously. And you wonder why people don't take you seriously with openings like Add Mie Aft View or something along those lines.

taste it, feel it, breathe it in

I can almost taste the freedom I long for. I can also caress it in my arms. In a mere 8 hour give or take, it'll be over. Even if it's for a little while. It's almost there and I can barely contain myself. I'm totally unmotivated as it is, I know that I have it in me. I know that I can do it. I can do anything can't I? Especially when I want it this much, when I know I deserve it.

So here's to the free air. To the happiness, joy and love that we all strive for. It's in my hands I tell you. For how long, it's hard to say but know this, I'm not giving any of it up without a fight. I'll give my all to keep what I have. It's mine after all. No one can take it away from me. Life is too short for me to give up so easily even if I know what comes next. Even if I know I'll be basking in bliss at the end. I know where to go from here.

clear sign of stress

So I've finished 3 papers. Still have one more to do on Wednesday then it's over. Thank God. Alon drove me there and back today. It was really nice of him and I seriously appreciate it. :) The entire day it's been threatening to rain and then it drizzles and then it stops again. The forecast for Wednesday looks like it's going to be the same. In any case, I can only pray that it doesn't because God knows that if it does that I'm going to be in deep deeep DEEEEEEEEP shit. Considering I can't write properly or use my hands when it's too cold. So unless I make like an idiot and wear gloves to school, I don't know how it's going to work. I thik I might end up just doing that though. At least it'll help right? *sigh*

Today's paper was ok I guess. There were a couple of things that I didn't quite know how to answer. But let's put it this way, the first problem I had was.... The date. HAHAHAHA! Seriously, my sense of time is completely off. So I had to count from last Wednesday. Well I could've counted from this Thursday. That or I could've remembered that mom's leaving for Hong Kong tomorrow but nooo...

I'm really gonna miss my mom. It's gonna be really different at home without her there. I wonder how Daddy and Adam are going to take it. It's gonna be hard for Daddy though. I mean come on, I spent a few days without waking up to Sanjay and it gets to me. Imagine Daddy, it's been years and years and years of not being alone and suddenly he is. Blah...

I'm coming home soon I'm coming home soon I'm coming home soon!!!!! The flight touches down at around 9-ish Thursday evening. I can't wait! Let's hope that QF9 is more comfortable that I remember it to be eh?

I love you many many.

counting the minutes

I slept around 6. In the evening mind you. And ended up waking up somewhere between 1 and 2 with a moist face and massive aches. What else is new. I slacked around for another 2 hours till my alarm went off at 4. No, I wasn't planning on waking up at 4 because I knew I'd (unfortunately) already be awake.

I was supposed to wake my boyfriend up. What a nice person I am huh. It turns out that he only got to sleep around the time I woke up. Which was pretty normal I guess. Sleeping at 1.30 am is normal unlike my new 6pm regime. So after counless calls I finally got through to him at which he told me that he was only planning to be in school at 9. In my head I screamed damnit. I had a whole 4 hours to play around with. I ended up doing all 140 questions on the Cognitive Psychology website within 30 minutes. I only got 3 answers wrong this time. All because in my groggy state I didn't read the question properly/clicked the wrong answer or one of those things. Heh. So I guess you could say that I'm ready for this exam.

I refuse to look at Monday's and Wednesday's exam notes or questions. I can't afford to have anything interfere with the stuff I've prepared for. So another few hours of slacking around trying to figure out what I can do at this hour besides smoke my brains out. That's right, I can't do anything. Anything but think and wait.

I'm not hungry and I can't drink coffee or eat anything with cream in it. Not now. Or I'll feel sick again like I did Wednesday morning. I dread the walk to Uni. Heck, I dread stepping out of my tropical room to use the toilet. It's too damned cold out. For the record, anyone who decides to tell me that 2-fucking-degrees is not cold is clearly insane.

I wonder what things will be like when the exams are over. I mean in between them I find that I've nothing to do anymore to the point that I've tidied up my room. (FYI, I would do laundry if I had the coins that I saved for it or if the laundry room was open but tough luck, it's not open so there's no point even trying is there.) I wouldn't have had this problem if I weren't living in this God forsaken place would I? And then again, leaving early for an exam in this weather would ubdoubtedly ensure my death, numbness or frostbite. Fine, frostbite's a little to extreme but I swear it's not a walk in the park. This seriously is the coldest winter ever.

6.47am. No one's awake at this hour. No one who's free that is. The few people that are online and responding to messages are all studying. And the others? They probably just fell asleep forgetting to switch to away mode.

I want to write a song. I want to plug the guitar in. But... I don't think I'll be playing the electric any time soon. Not with the hours I keep. And when I find that I have all the time in the world to play, I'll already be on the plane. So no such luck.

Today's going to be a relatively busy day I guess. But it all starts with going to school for the exam. I'm going to get my X-Ray shit done today. Honestly, how they fucked up an X-Ray is completely beyond me. Unless of course they detected black speckles where my lungs should be. I wouldn't really be surprised considering how much I smoke and my history of allergies and heritable illnesses. What else is new. It doesn't bother me much even if I were to die today on the way to Uni. What's the point. Everything's so completely jaded. I know I'll be missed, and I know I'll miss many people terribly. But there's really nothign that I can do is there. Doesn't matter anymore.

I know I've been getting into boughts of depression all over again. It's not like anything's wrong or something bad happened. I'm pretty happy with my life in general. I'm just saying that if it were to end here and now, I would go with no regrets.

There went MeL. They'd say I went to a happy place. But of course my idea of happy place would probably not be the same as theirs. I just want all of this to be over. My sleeping pattern makes everything seem so... Long. I don't like it every much. Perhaps it will get back to normal after Madhavi's leaving party and Charlotte's 21st Birthday later in the evening. Here's to hoping.

I love you. I really, really love you.

"To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
The pessimist complains about the wind;
The optimist expects it to change;
And the realist adjusts the sails."

- William Arthur Ward

So sue me for being a risk taker. I do what I want, how I want, when I want. And there are many ways of looking at how things unfold.

My dreams are my reality and my reality is my dream.

with hands held high into the sky so blue, the ocean opens up to swallow you

I can't really explain this weird sensation. It's like I'm holding on and giving up at the same time. I guess that's the thing with me and dreams. They bother me. They get to me. Because these kinds of dreams? They seem so real to me. And before I know it, it actually happens.

And maybe this is all it really is. Just a dream. I don't quite know what to do next. I just want all this to be over and done with. So I can get back to being me. Get back to reality. Going back to life. This past few weeks have been crazy. I sleep and I wake up crying or I don't sleep at all. And I have to hide my tears and my sorrows. It's not easy you know.

I don't think I deserve something this beautiful or wonderful. I don't think I'm worth it. I don't think I should have it. Because at the end of the day I'll want to keep it forever when I know that I can't. So maybe I really shouldn't bother with such things. Keep my eyes on the big things. What I can keep. What I can hold. What will be mine to the very end.

I really do know that at the end, I will be happy and that I will have my peace. But the journey there is proving to be tiring and far too long. I want to wait it out and at the same time, I'm being very impatient.

I know it's only a little bit longer. Just a little bit more to go and things will fall into place. Now it's just a question of endurance.

It takes a little bit out of people
Meeting by chance, exchanging glances
It takes a bit more courage
To just live out your dreams

More often than once,
We are give opportunities
To let go and live
To jump without looking
To open your eyes to see what no one else can

But what then when you find yourself at the end of the road?
What happens when you know it's fading
Would you stand and fight
Would you thread the path again

The future is always in your hands
Be well, make what you will of it
For at the end of a long long road
Don't look back, never regret

The only thing I would lament, is not holding on. Because even though it's what I want, I can't. I always had to try and make everyone happy. I always have to end up pretending to be strong when all I want to do is fall in your arms where I know I'd be safe again. But even that, I can no longer have.

This gift was beautiful. Perhaps too beautiful.

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
To hear you breathe by my side
And although sleep leaves me behind
There's nowhere I'd rather be
And now our bed is oh so cold
My hands feel empty
No one to hold
And I can sleep what side I want
It's not the same with you gone

Oh, if you'd come home
I'll let you know that
All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

It's been three years
One night apart
But in that night you tore my heart
If only you had slept alone
If those seeds had not been sown
Oh you could come home
And you would know that

All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need is sitting here with you
All you want

I hear your key turning in the door
I won't be hearing that sound anymore
And you and your sin
Can leave the way you just came in
Send my regards to her
I hope you find that......

All you want
Is right there in that room
All you want
And all you need is sitting there with you
All you want

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
To hear you breathe by my side

Do I really have to say anything else?

in the most perfect moment

This isn't good is it? I find myself feeling completely off whenever it comes to this. Even so, we have to do what we have to do. We can't always have what we want can we? No matter how much we wish for it, some things can't be the way you want it to be.

After all, if it were, then where would spontaneity go? I know that it'll be ok. I know it will. I'm sure it will. There's nothing that can screw this up. Nothing at all. Not right now any ways. I have to be strong don't I? I have to give it my all. This is my life we're talking about. But if I don't get to share it with the people I care about, then what's the point?

No idea what I'm talking about? Oh well. Think about it. I'm sure you guys have something inside you that wants some thing you know you can't ever have. I just don't have the guts to be specific about it right now. In any case, I know the feeling's temporary.

I love you.

You know what, I'm taking a break from doing my work.

I'm sitting in the basement of one of Melbourne Uni's various libraries studying my guts out and I'm tired. I don't suppose doing the Topic on Prejudice is helping or not helping my mood.

This one part that I was reading though made me think of a conversation I had not to long ago.

... How can people just plain give up because they think they can't make it. It's rubbish. Anyone can make it. Education and cash are important yes but it's not he most important factor. In my opinion, motivation and drive is. If you're going to sit there thinking oh, woe is me. The world is a bitch. Life is unfair. And I'll never get anywhere so why don't I just let people fawn over me or worse yet, why don't I make it a point to over exaggerate my contentment in a mediocre lifestyle....

I hate these people. I think that they are doing absolutely nothing for themselves but digging their own graves.

I'm glad to be rid of them. Aren't you?

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So Take a look at me now
So there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is
All I can do
When that's what I've got to face

Take a good look at me now
'Cause l'll still be standing (standing here)
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take

Don't say anything. Don't ask. I can't word it, I can't say it. But it's there staring at me. It's what I have to do. It's what we have to do. It's not like the choices are any easier. But that is what I will do