watashi wa... anata wa... aishteru? nai. stuki dakara

Uni was alright. Yes, I went to class. I'm feeling bloated as hell from eating. I might actually explode. In fact I might just go throw up after this.

So I frantically prepared for a presentation that didn't happen. Why? Because I'm only supposed to present next week. Hehe. Well, at least that's one thing down eh? It is my goal to finish all my work in the next two weeks. Sounds like MeL's motivated? I think not. I'm more interested in doing other things.

Believe it or not, I'm actually looking forward to going home. I wake up every morning to familiar faces that I haven't seen in far too long. People I love, people that love me. People I sorely miss. Yes. I miss everybody on my wall. Everybody. Even the people who are here in Melbourne. People that I see nearly every day.

Everyday is still singing in my head. I can imagine it being played and me singing it. Or me listening to someone singing it. Written chords for a piano and not Speranza or Pandora. And I can only imagine it coz I dreamt about it. Why is it that I keep having these dreams? They're beautiful yes, but I always wake up in tears. I don't quite understand it.

I don't understand why I am holding myself back. I don't see why I can do that when it's just me but otherwise it's like something else takes over. I don't understand it at all. Why is it that I fight for something that I know deep down is impossible? Why do I keep hoping and praying. Why is it that I'm addicted to seeing the smile or hearing your laughter? Why does it make me smile ever so slightly? Why is it that it makes me both the happiest and the saddest person alive? Why do I feel like it's being taken away from me? Why is it so difficult for me to just be happy and not paranoid?

I feel like I've slipped from paradise into oblivion with no way out. It's so... dark where I am. I know that my philosophy on life is such that it is what you make it out to be. Why have I made it so that only one person can dig me out? Are you that afraid of me? Do you think I'd break you? Do you think that I'd rip you to shreds? Well... I'm not like that at all. I can't. I care too much.

It's official, I have to stop listening to Makino Yui's You are my Love and the Sinhalese songs on my laptop. They're so messing with my head. That and Don't Know Much. They're making me all sappy.