don't think so much, you might hurt yourself

I know that which causes this pain. I haven't said it before. I know who reads my blog but I'm at breaking point. My heart aches so much that my body aches along with it. I still can't let it out. And it's so hard. It's so hard for me right now. Knowing that I have so many options and yet I can't any of them. Yes, I want to run. Yes I want to get away. But no matter how much I run it's still there. It's still sitting there. A reminder of all my mistakes of all the things that I've ever done. Is this karma? No. I'm doing this to myself because I can't seem to break away. I can't seem to leave all this behind. I can't leave people in the dark. It's just not like me. My friends see it. I see it and yet here I am. Sitting right here letting things replay over and over in my mind. Watching my memories. Memories that I hold so dear. Memories that I'm letting become tainted. It's not easy. It's not easy at all. And despite how much any of you may feel that it's harder on you and how your shit is worse, guess what, everyday that I wake up I feel like I'm dying. Not because of him. But because of me. And what I'm doing to myself. Do you think I like it? Do you think I like being constantly reminded of all this shit? I don't. And I know what it's like to be where I am. I know what it's like to be on the other side. I KNOW. I FUCKING KNOW. And it's painful. And I can't breathe.

So just for a while. I'm going to take my leave. I'm going to take that sabbatical that I long for. I'm not going to give up on myself. I'm going to let myself heal. Just like what I said earlier, that if it weren't for certain circumstances, everything would be ok. If you hadn't lied. Things would be ok. I'm going. And I'm not looking back. You have all of tomorrow. After that, don't even think about it. Don't. Because I can't face another day living like this. I want to be ok again and by my will alone, you are not going to stand in my way because I swear I will cut you down. I am beyond caring about anyone else but me at this point. I don't care how selfish it sounds but fuck, if I don't look out for me, no one else will.

Goodbye.