disgusted with arrows

I am tired. Oh so tired. I'm tired and sleepy and deeaaaaaaaadddd!!!! *screamed to the I'm so happy song*

Another blissful past few hours. Tiring but blissful. I returned to a mortifying surprise. I am disgusted to say the least. But that's besides the point. I chanced upon lyrics I wrote years and years ago. I think it might have been the 3rd song I wrote. But it was without chords. I've attempted to put the chords in. It's not complete yet. But my fingers are sore, my sides ache and my arms are this close to breaking.

I'm actually quite looking forward to tomorrow. Billboards. I shall give clubbing another chance. Heh. But this is the last chance it is going to get! I've had enough of clubbing or going out without any expectations only to be rudely shaken from my neutrality. Whatever man... So here's to tomorrow and here I shall paste my incomplete song. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get something... A little more substatial out by tomorrow. I think this is one song with one too many tunes to it. Ah well


A
Your thoughts are nothing
Gm Fm A
All is but empty words
C G
Apart from all the lies and the pain
A Gm Fm A
I loved you once but never again
C G
You are nothing but a distant memory
D E
I'm glad that I let go

Cadd9 D
I don't want to waste more time
Cadd9 D
I waited too long for you to see
Cadd9 D
Now it's too late but you're still blind

G F C D
You aren't the one that paints the smile on my face
G F Am
Look and see, I'm much happier now than I ever was
Am/G
Than I ever could be...


A
You claim to know me
Gm Fm A
But you don't see what I am
C G
Delusion of grandeur
D E
These things will be your fall


Cadd9 D
This journey I walk
Cadd9 D
It's one that doesn't include you
Cadd9 D
There's no room in my life to waste

G F
Can't you see it's over let it go
C D
You took up too much of my sanity
G F
Now it's too late but you can't see
Am Am/G
You aren't the one that paints the smile on my face

A Gm Fm A
You had your chance and you threw it all away
C G
For some other girl to play with
A Gm Fm A
Don't come running to me
C G D Em
I'm not falling for those tricks


Cadd9 D
I've found someone else who makes me feel
Cadd9 D
Like my life is finally worthwhile
C D
You never could give that to me


Every second I think of you
Is another second that I'm wasting
These words seem like a void in my soul
Come on, who likes screaming at an empty wall

I walked away from you, yes I did
The best decision I'd ever made for myself
So don't even think of...
Don't you dare think of...
Running back to me

My dreams are phased and they tell me what I see
What I want and what I hope to be
Now it's too late but you can't see
You aren't the one that paints the smile on my face

Your thoughts are nothing
All is but empty words
Apart from all the lies and pain
I loved you once, never again

Painted Smiles, MeL

5 Minutes

Again, an interesting past few days. Things are just getting more and more interesting aren't they? All the same, I'm happy where I am. Ok, I know the last song doesn't correspond to my mood at all but it goes to show that I can write happy, sappy, angsty songs whenever the hell I choose. But just don't ask me to write about fish :P (It's a private joke hehe)

It's nearly 6. And I am thinking of sleeping. Haha! I hung out with Ayu today. We played pool! :D I love pool. I swear I've been playing nearly everyday man... If not with Ayu, it's with Daniel.

I'm not quite sure how to express my thoughts at the moment. I'm happy but not quite content. Hopefully and yet realistic. It's just like that conversation I had with Luke much earlier in the morning. I'm talking, WAY earlier here. It looks and sounds completely over the top optimistic and yet there I was, being as realistic as I possibly could without the paranoia and pessimism that usually drips into everything I do. It's gone. I intend on keeping it that way. It's like I'm on a power mad rage as Jamie puts it. But I like it. I mean, come on, who doesn't right?

I've got angry girl music in the background in encapsulated in the voice of Gwen Stefani. No Doubt is no doubt one of my favourite bands. Heh. Yea yea what ever. I'm being totally random but I don't care :D

Today was such a warm day and now that the sun has set, it's beginning to freeze. I recorded 5 Minutes. And it's been on replay since. Listening to it over and over makes me really wonder, what if 5 minutes from now I died? Seriously. What if I just... died? I mean at first it didn't seem like such a bad idea. But then again, what about all the people that I've been wanting to see? My family? My friends? People like Luke, Kenny and Rick? Eliza, Celia, Prasad, Jon, Cia... Geoff? Jan? Judy? There're too many to name. I'd miss them all. Sometimes coming to Melbourne feels like I died. And I left them behind.

See how music can affect my mood? It's a wonder that I can still keep sane in this mad world.

5 Minutes is all it takes for a person to change. All it takes is just 5 minutes for you to feel like your entire world is crumbling. 5 minutes too late, 5 minutes too soon. Just 5 minutes.

You People Are FULL OF SHIT

You know what's annoying? People who are hypocritical and don't realise it and go on in their fake self righteousness. People that don't realise that what they say and do is affecting the well being of another person. Perhaps they do and they don't care. I don't understand how they can say such hurtful things to one of their friends without even thought of apology. I don't understand it. Is this pay back for what I did? Is it? I didn't think that you could be that kind of person. I never thought you were capable of it. I will say this though, it is your lost. You have hurt one of the sweetest people I've ever met because of your own jealousy and spite. You have hurt and angered the ones that I care about. And if you think I'm going to let it slide you can bloody well dream on. No, I am not happy. I might not have known them for too long. But they? They're like me. I can see myself in them. An offence to them is an offence to me. But let's face it, we all know that there's another reason behind it don't we? Don't fuck around with me. You screw with my happiness and I will make it so that you regret having ever met me.

On a lighter note, I walked out in the middle of the night yesterday to get cigarettes. Hehe. I blame Anu for this! Nah... I don't really. It was pretty fun. I talked to AJ the whole journey there and back again and for a little while more once I got back to iHouse. Incidentally, I thought I saw JonNy at the petrol station but I couldn't recognise him. Even funnier was that Aileen was there too and I couldn't recognise her either. But the best part was, that I was screaming and laughing on the phone. And he didn't hear or recognise my overly Singaporean accent? What... he think I speak overly Singaporean so er.... yea... Bullshit if you ask me.

I only landed up sleeping at 6. Hehehe. All coz I wanted to smoke more and drink more and write another song. I showed JonNy the lyrics over msn. He likes it. So far anyways. I've also got the chords for it. I'm going to practice it in a while and try and see if there's anything that I should change about it before I hand it to AJ.

5 minutes and it's over
everything i knew and loved
and i thought it was good to be me
turns out it's not quite

4 minutes and i'm gone
so much to do so much to feel
my thoughts are oh so fuzzy
i don't want to leave

i waited too long
i wanted too much
i didn't see what i see now
is it too late for us

3 minutes too late
no time to say goodbye
if only i'd cared enough
it's too late for that now

i waited too long
i wanted too much
i didn't see what i see now
is it too late for us

2 and i'm down
i don't wanna leave this town
memories are leaving me
the wheel still keeps turning

60 seconds to go
there's a light shining
i'm pulling away
coz all i can see is you

i waited too long
i wanted too much
i didn't see what i see now
is it too late for us

- 5 minutes, MeL

Normally I dump the chords along. Yes yes, I know. But for some annoying reason, I can't seem to get the chords to stay on top of the right words. It's probably got something to do with the coding I guess... Oh well.

sollace

Another dream filled night. More whispers of thoughts that seem so far away. And the strength that I need to do what I must.

I painted my nails black again. I officially have my guitarist hands back. No, they don't look nice but... they help. Sometimes I think about things that I shouldn't. More often I want things that I shouldn't have. Little ol' undeserving me? I think not.

This breather is just what I needed even though it's not what I wanted. I don't make sense anymore do I? I'm tired of always having to force myself to find the balance between being me and who I should be or what I must be. I find it increasingly difficult to just carry on. My inspiration is escalating and I'm loving it. But is that what I really want my life to be about? Just the girl and her sad songs? Maybe. If I could make a career out of it I would. But I already know what a lucrative industry it is. It's not going to be able to give me all the things that I need. It will just give what I want.

What happens when your dreams are all an illusion and your reality is hidden from you? All you have left is mind numbing confusion and mindless banter. Can you live with that? Can I live like that? I don't do limbo. But this, this I can deal with. This I can be. This I can handle and this is what I will always believe.

G C
He seems so understanding
Bm C
I think he's secretly afraid
G C
I can never tell what he's thinking
Bm C
I can never think of what to say


Am C Em
Despite the secrets we kept
D
The pain it caused
C
We're still here
Em
We're still here
Am
We're still here
D
Holding on

G C
Final hiding places
Bm C
Last big leaps
G C
It stands before me
Bm C
The vast endless stairs

Am C Em
All the conflicts and differences
D
We can't win them all
Am C Em
We knew it wasn't gonna be easy
D
Busy with our separate lives


G C
The space between
Em D
So far yet near
G C
I'd watch you turn
Em D
Your head back to me
C
The dreams keeps us
Em
The dreams keeps us
Am
The dreams keeps us
D
Holding on


Bm C G
You try to mask your fears
D
With understanding words
Bm C G
Don't you see you're not alone
D
In this imperfect world


G C
Lift up your head
Bm C
You don't have to hide your worries
G C
I will be there
Bm C
To share the smiles and sorrows


Am C Em
Coz in the end all we have
D
Are the ones that we let in
C
These people
Em
These friendships
Am
These lovers
D
Are holding on

- Holding On, MeL

I no longer find comfort in the anger or the depression. The emptiness is just ahead of me. And guess what. It's not too late.

And the playlist says.... My Favourite Things by Julie Andrews. Do you remember this? Do you remember who used to sing this? The one person that could never get this song out of his head. My dear friend, you are sorely missed.

My chest hurts. Literally. This gives a whole new meaning to heartache eh? Nah, I just kidding. My heart's fine. It's just my chest. At the back of my head is a very rotten feeling that's been just sitting there, waiting to resurface. And now it's beginning to take over my mind again. It's not the music I'm playing, I'm very sure of that. It's not anything I'm doing, I can guarantee it too. It's just a rotten feeling that's beginning to mess with my mind. It makes me... Just want to stop. Just stop moving for a while. And just stop thinking.

Derek says all my blogs sound sad. It's not that I mean for them to sound that way. I suppose it's just the way I am? I sound sad all the time? I don't know. It's always been that way I suppose. I find comfort in the sadness and depression even though I am not truly a part of it. It is my nature to find fault with something or other. No matter what I do, I'll find a reason to just sit and not want to be a part of anything.

School was pretty alright. Turns out Melbourne's a pretty small place. And I think... I really should keep my trap shut. Being sociable is one thing. But this is getting out of hand. I find it hard to talk to anyone here. Except one person. And I can't tell this one person too much because it's complicated.

I've been reflecting on all I've done so far this semester. And I realise that he's right. I need to strike a balance between what I love and what I must do. On top of this, I need to learn how to be less negative. I've got to stop putting myself down.

You know what? I think I know why I'm feeling like this. I think I know what the cause is. And I hate it. I hate the reason why I can't find it in myself to be happy. Perhaps Jon is right. It's not coincidence that I keep landing myself into one mess after another. Perhaps it's not worth having fun if I keep having to deal with all this shit.

Things at home are also on my mind. I worry. I couldn't stand hearing her cry on the phone. I felt so... helpless. I wish I could be there. There are few people in this world that I'd give up everything for. My boys, I'd do anything for you. You are the people that keep me in check. You're the ones that give me inspiration to do what I can and more importantly, what I must.

I miss you Melvyn. I keep dreaming of you. I hope you are safe. No, I know that you are. I want you to keep on being safe. I don't want to ever see you sad. You're so much older than I am and yet I can' t help but feel so protective over you. All you need to do is say the word and I'll jump on the next flight back. You're my brother. You're going to land up being the only person that's left standing by me in this world. And I cannot have you worrying about me all the time. You've got your own family now. They need you more than I do. Just remember that I love you. And it breaks my heart that for nearly one and a half years I spend so much time away from you. I miss you and I wish you were here. But at the same time, I know that you can't be in Australia. You've got your whole life ahead of you. I am happy that you are doing so well. Remember this, I am your only sister. It's just me. And no matter what happens to any of us, I will always love you. You will always be on my mind. No matter what. I love you.

After multiple conversations yesterday and super long breaks, I finally managed to finish my assignments. A couple of scares in the middle of the night no thanks to er... this guy I think his name is Jeff? But he's Jeff's friend so maybe his name isn't Jeff?

But yes, thanks to wonderful phone conversations from both Melbourne and home, interesting pool games and just chilling out with Dan in my room, I managed to regain my bearings and get my work done. Thank you darlings, you all really helped. :)

I've got class in a bit. I have to say that I'm feeling completely lazy again but I have to go. I might actually bring my laptop along with me this time though? Hehe. I might be able to get kick started on the psych assignment which is due on the 13th and the presentation that's... erm... next week. I think. I hope. If it's this week I'm royally fucked but yea. Hmmm... So maybe I won't bring my laptop in. I'll just focus on one assignment at a time. Coz apart from the presentation next week, I've still got the Interactive Media Assignment coming up. Why on earth I'm taking it is really beyond me.

Oh, officially, my bandwidth this month? Has exceeded it's limit. Which means that I'm going to have to pay a bit extra. *sigh* But that's ok. I'll live. I'm going to spend this week getting my shit together. Wednesday, I'll most definitely go out and hang out more with Daniel. But you know what? I think that I'm going to be ok. So far, I've not been late on a single thing. And the only thing module that I couldn't less for is the elective that I just had to take for the hell of it.

I remember the course dude in Singapore telling me that media would be more interesting than psych. How wrong he was. I love psych more than any of the modules that I'm taking. Alright, now that I've actually done what had to be done, I can go back to learning the songs that I've got to sing and continue writing that other song.

I'll put it up as soon as I'm done. But first I must get ready for school Cue, MeL the RockStar-UniStudent! Heh.

Love is a funny thing. you never see or hear it coming. but when it does, it engulfs you and takes you on the ride of your life. you never know when it's going to just fling you off and leave you bleeding alone on the street corner and yet you go along for it any way. It's about taking that chance for happiness. Screw the odds. Screw the fact that you're going to spend most of the time together apart. Screw that at some point being in love will hurt you more than being out of it. You know why? I'll tell you. Because it's just that one moment that makes everything worth while. It makes you forget all your problems and all your pain. Even if it's for a split second.

And even though you're more apart than together, missing them and waiting to see them again is such an amazing feeling. It's so insatiable, so delirious, so killing and yet at the same time completely energising. It is as though you have a whole new reason to go on in this mundane world. Where prospects of getting what you really want are often bleak.

But, they are bleak for one reason and one reason alone. Because you believe it to be. If you wish it, the world can be your playground. It can be your heaven or hell. It's just a matter of perspective. But enough talk of love. I have a massive assignment that I'm gearing up to finish before I go clubbing tonight. I doubt I will finish it. But, this crazy feeling that's taking over me is making me want to be better. A better student, a better musician, a better person. I've found my drive. I found my reason. Have you?

Simply put, out with the old, and in with the new. I've found someone who sees me for me. Not just outwardly. Someone who looks at me and can just be happy in knowing that I'm there. Someone who doesn't try too hard. Someone who gives me my space. Someone I can love.

Today, I got back at 3pm. Yes. I got back from Aki's at 3pm. AJ and Richard came by around... 1-ish this morning. But I think the highlight of the night apart from spending more time with them and jamming our guts out, was that I managed to write out Aki's song. :)

And here it is.

There's a girl in a window
I see her all the time
I know for sure that one day
Someday, I'm gonna make her mine

You're the star that shines at night
You're my moon and my sun
You mean everything to me
If only they could see
You and me
We are one

Fighting people everyday
That's not what I wanted
I keep dreaming of you honey
Someday it'll be our time to shine

You're the star that shines at night
You're my moon and my sun
You mean everything to me
If only they could see
You and me
We are one

I know it's hard for us to be
With everyone watching constantly
My love for you will never die
You are the girl in my window

You're the star that shines at night
You're my moon and my sun
You mean everything to me
If only they could see
You and me
We are one

- Girl in the Window (Aki's Song), MeL

I still have that song on repeat. The song that I love. The one that I wrote the reply for. I am totally in love with it. Especially the piano parts. I've been playing it since... well I recorded them playing it around 6 this morning. My dreams are getting more and more creepy. I dreamt that I was sleeping at Aki's but I wanted to go and get my guitar pick from my room. But I fell down the stairs that leads from the kitchen to my room. But it was a slow motion fall. I landed face down into the carpet which was surprisingly soft and squishy. I panicked man! I couldn't get up. Could barely move. Only to realise that I was still sleeping at Aki's and I couldn't move coz there was limited space on the couch and well yea. But I tell you my heart was racing! Took me quite a while to calm down. I didn't get much sleep this morning, but I'm rested enough. I think. I hope. Or else I don't know how I'm gonna survive the club tonight. I'm not so secretly hoping that the boys come too. :)

don't let it slip through

I didn't realise I already had... 943 posts. I didn't realise that I actually blogged that much. So far, I've managed to get two songs out in about 3 days. My assignment... Oh my assignment... I'm still very much in denial.

My mind is clouded with so many different things. September is around the corner. September is never a good month for me. It's always been full of messy encounters arguments over nothing and just plain depression. I'm hoping that this year it'll be different.

I... I guess you could say that I'm actually doing pretty good. I'm happy. Confident. But at the same time paranoid as hell. I keep wondering when I'm going to screw up next. I think Eliza calls it misguided anticipation. Anxiety is my downfall. I can't help but panic and jump the shark. Especially when dealing with things that matter the most to me.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or within the next 5 minutes. But I do know what's happening with me now. I know what I feel, I know what I have to do and I know what I have to give up. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be proud of myself. Just like how I woke up this morning. Or yesterday morning. Or the morning before that. I never want this feeling to fade. Well except perhaps the paranoia. But all the same, I never want this feeling to go away.

Still procrastinating from doing my assignment, yes yes I know I shouldn't, I went blog hopping around friendster. I think it's pretty sad that I've not spoken to so many of the Mass Commies that I used to hang out with so often. I miss them dearly but I'm at a point where I wonder what I would do if I were to just run into them on the street? Would they see me? Would I walk up to them and say hi? Or will it be like one of many encounters where you just walk on by and carry on with your life as though you've never met these people before? I myself don't quite know. I've been known to space out when I'm walking down the street. It's worse when I don't have my specs or contacts on. I won't be able to recognise anyone unless they themselves come up to me.

I vaguely remember telling someone about calling me by nicknames. Something about how they could try but I might not respond. Ok that was random.

Here's what I've been trying to say. I chanced upon Raja's blog in friendster and she wrote something that just got me to thinking why we take the chance when the odds are so... dismal.

Heartbreaks are like cholesterol.
In excess, it will clog up your arteries and give you a heart attack.
If you don't die from it, you will never be the same again.
And you don't want a heart attack- but you know,
That most good food contain 3/4 fat, and 1/4 nutrients.
Just like a good relationship comprises of 3/4 problems, and 1/4 happiness.
But we live to eat just the same. Just like we live to love. If only for that quarter.

So would you take the high road or the low road? I'm still too frazzled over everything that's happened in the past 2 weeks. It's been one hell of a ride I must say. But all the same, why still take the chance when clearly, the odds aren't in your favour? If this is what blind faith is, then count me in. If this is what hope is, I'm so there. And should anything happen, good or bad, I still plead permanent insanity.

And the playlist says... Giving In, Adema

You know what? I have a feeling that I've done this before but here you go Prasad :)

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

so what level were you?

I Still Love You

I wrote more lyrics. But now those same lyrics have put me in a depressed mood. I don't quite understand it but that's just how it is. It was the song that Tiran wrote that I loved. And AJ's wonderful piano playing. Aki... I don't know where Aki was so yea, AJ played, Tiran sang and I just listened and fell in love with the song. When I got back home, I was so tired but I couldn't sleep. The melody just wouldn't get out my head. I had to learn how to play it. From learning how to play it, I landed up writing my own version of the song and what it said to me.

It's not perfect. And it might not be what Tiran had in mind when he wrote the original, but hey, it was in Sinhalese and I don't understand Sinhalese so sue me!

I am standing on the side of the road
Watching all the faces that come and go
Wondering why you had gone
Wondering if I can go on

Where have you gone
I miss you already
Why can't you come back to me
And stay here forever

I still love you
And I miss you
Come back home
To stay

Weeks and months just pass me by
It's crazy that I just can't cry
I'm still waiting for my cell phone to ring
Wanting you to call me tell me

I'm coming home
I miss you already
Don't be scared, it's not too long
Time passes by quickly

I still love you
And I miss you
I'm coming home
To stay

I'm just sitting at the edge of my bed
Tears are rolling down my face
And the blood it gushes down my sides
It's too late but you called to you say

I'm coming home
I miss you already
Don't be scared, it's not too long
Time passes by quickly

I still love you
And I miss you
I'm coming home
To stay

- I Still Love You, MeL

Yesterday was some day. I only just got back. Haha! Left the heater on, my poor laptop's over heated. So every thing's pretty laggy.

I woke up late and missed my classes. Again. Haha. I didn't go to school this week. Bad MeL... Baaaaaddd..... Whatever :P So in the end, I ended up in a car with Sheela, Aki and AJ driving around the city taking videos and pictures. The pictures came out really good too.

After that, we headed to Princes and played pool with Coronas. :D AJ and I played against Aki and Sheela and we won!!! Probably coz AJ's really good. After that... It was back to iHouse to relax a bit before AJ had to pick up Semu from Coles. How or why he has 'Everyday' stuck in his head is beyond me. It's just an average song...

I digress...

So from picking up Semu we chilled at his place for a bit before going back to iHouse to pick up the rest and head to Aki's where we hung out more, drank, sang and smoked our guts out. So one thing led to another and here I am, just getting back, tired as hell. Assignments still undone. And I'm too damned lazy to get around to doing them. Haha! What else is new eh?

I just think... It's amazing that I've met such wonderful people. These are people of great vision with passion that cannot be tamed. They're like a river. Calm on the surface and yet underneath it all you find and unbreakable current. An eclectic beat with mind numbingly wonderful chords that speak to me on so many levels.

It really is good to be me. I suppose they were right to say that with every door that closes, another one opens. I'm just happy that I found the door that opened. I can't explain what all this really means. My love of music has escalated to levels I never thought possible. And I thank them. I thank them for giving me a whole new perspective on living a life that's just... abnormally normal. A life in which I can just be me.

isn't it just?

What is this strange smell that has invaded my room? What is this foreign emotion that has crept into my cerebrum? What is this strange thought that crawled it's way into my mind? What is this person that has resurfaced? If being is so perfect, than why do I feel so... Flawed?

I feel like I've suddenly acquired this strange ability to... care. I suddenly find myself caring about the way I look, worrying about the way I dress. Bothering over what I say. How very peculiar. I suppose I do remember the last I felt that way. I didn't like it very much.

I never liked having to explain myself to people or worry if I say the wrong thing. And yet now I care. But with these new people that I'm growing to love spending time with, I find that I can be me. As flawed and as imperfect a person I am, as fickle, contradictory and complicated as I am, I can just be me. In a way I'm happy. And yet on the flip side, I worry. Can people really love me for the me that I am? Or do they love me for the me that they think I am?

"Under the dim lighting and loud music that accompanied my ears, I struggled to find my way. Every now and then, familiar faces would greet me as I fumbled and bumped my way through the crowd. I was still trying to catch my breath when all of a sudden, I saw her.

There she was draped in that pale blue shirt and denim skirt that flattered her slender legs. She waved at me with her perfect smile intact. It's the same smile that always used to greet me along the passageways in school whenever we ran into each other. The gentle face that conveys kindness and grace. She is the girl that everyone loves. The kindred soul that permeates the lives of those who dare venture into her presence. She is the torch that illuminates the dark, vacant spaces in the deep recesses of our souls. A rare beauty unlike any other I've seen. She boasts of talent, intelligence and a good heart. Hence, it comes to me as no surprise if there should be any who envies or despises her just for being what she is.

That said, it's easy to forget that underneath all the superficiality - the layers of make-up to hide the imperfections and the lovely outfits that speaks of impeccable taste and style - lies a simple girl who craves perfection, love and acceptance as much as we all do...Her cheerfulness belies her insecurities and the sorrow that shrouds her thoughts. It is not the notion of perfection that endears her to me. Rather, it's the fact that despite all the greatness that she is, she is and always will be of all things...human.

So to this girl I say, thank you..."

This is from my beautiful cousin, Anastasia's blog. It gave me a peace that I thought I could never find within myself. It was written by a friend of hers. A person called Su. I might have met him before. I can't quite remember though.

People inspire me. They inspire me to try. To live. And most importantly, to keep my love of music. My melodies that are unheard by many. These people fuel my songs and therefore indirectly, they fuel me.

Thank you for just being you.

Today was ok. Yes yes, I went to the gym. I want to see if Prasad's logic really does make sense. Heh.

Oh oh, remember I was blogging really ambiguously last week about me usually being wrong? THANK YOU GOD! I was wrong again. :D Yea I'm actually happy that I was wrong.

So work's beginning to pile up again. I've put off work for a week. And now that I actually am trying to get back into it, I've been branded as ignoring people and making people feel like shit. What the... Come on you guys, we make our own happiness eh? Let's not all put the blame on MeL...

I realise that no matter what happens, I'm still me. I still govern me and I still make my own decisions. I'm not as much of a softy as I thought I was. See Jon? I can do this. I can make things right. Eventually, things will all fall into place. Eventually, we'll all be happy. All you gotta do is believe in it.

I perfected another song. It's called Sillier. Daniel says he'll buy my album! Thanks Zhang! :) And my mother thinks I sound like Tanya Chua. I'm not sure if that's a good thing though? The only problem is my voice is muffled coz of the laptop. That and I get all paranoid and sing softly. Well... I don't want people to die from hearing me or anything. I record at night mostly. When all is quiet. Or else I'll capture Madz or Sheela's voices or footsteps or any sound really. At least Nicki, the girl above me? She isn't giving me a hard time with footsteps and what not. So that's pretty cool.

I know that earlier today I was feeling really off. I don't know why. I just was. I felt so damned shitty. But then I started talking to Zhang and I felt so much better. Thank you man. I was serious when I said talking to you brings me peace.

So it turns out that I don't have to give it all up. I still have Pandora and Speranza. Nothing can take them away from me. Nothing. Nobody. Except maybe time but even then, it's something that I won't give up without a fight.

I completed one more song today. I wrote it awhile ago but now it's complete with chords and everything. I even recorded it. I call it "Sillier" :)

Ok ok, enough talk. I am going to de-stress more before my head really explodes.

But yes. I still have them. It's one of the few things left here that give me comfort.

beer stained carpet, cigarette ashed table

You know, I thought I sorted things out and I was pretty ok for a while. Until I realised that the issue isn't about guys.

One minute he says he'll wait for me. And that things are going to be ok. Well, if you're going to wait for a person than I don't suppose guilt tripping them is going to work right? I've been running on so little sleep this week. My brain's turned to mush, and my thoughts are so scrambled.

I don't know what to do. I mean, what am I supposed to say? What I am supposed to say to myself? Honestly, I thought that the feeling of losing the guy I loved was the worst feeling in the world. And then I meet these people who love music as much as I do. Not to mention that they love my music. And now I don't know if it's going to be entirely possible for them to record my songs, I don't know if I can sing with them because of all this. So not only am I heartbroken from the previous relationship, confused about everything that's happening now, but my love of music is being compromised as well?

And you know what the worst thing about all this is? I can't talk to anyone about it. It's killing me.

PS: For fuck's sakes, NOTHING HAPPENED!

UPDATE: update: he can't take no for an answer. n if he's trying to piss me off, it's working. he's beginning to give off the stalker vibe. I'm so freaked out that I don't even want to leave my blinds up anymore. I'm too shaken to even walk into the kitchen.

If it's a choice between my sanity and my music, I think I'll keep my sanity.

behind blue eyes

One party to another party to another party to another party. See what happens when I become sociable? Party party party. Haha. The only downside is that it's all burning holes in my jeans. And I like my jeans. Er... yea whatever :P

But yea, there's so much more for me out there than just iHouse. Melbourne is bigger, better and loads more fun than just iHouse. Yea yea, I knew it and I never wanted to step out of my room. But these days, I've been busy and running around like a crazy person.

Well... What to do what to do? I need to figure out what I'm going to wear tonight. First it's Yana's than to Aki's and somewhere near morning I should be back in Bottlebrush 1E. I hope. I think. Er... I don't know?

But yea, going out and talking to people and just being well... me, is infinitely better than moping around in some shitty state of mind over one, and now very much insignificant part of my life. I'm turning 21 for fuck's sakes, I don't get to be a kid for very much longer!

PS: I'm singing again! :D

i've got enough turmoil and confusion to last me a life time

I had another crazy dream. One that made my eyes open in a teary blur.

There are really very few things in this life time that scare me and I just had to dream of three of them at a a go. With the team from CSI Las Vegas there at that. Talk about weird. Dreaming of being in Australia when someone close to me from home died. Being involved with someone who got murdered in Australia while I... Well... Let's just say that my priority at that time was for someone other than myself and I realised that I was royally screwed. Can you guess what I'm talking about? If you can then good. If not then... It was only a dream right?

But when I woke up I realised something. Something is not quite right with me. You know what, I'm probably just being paranoid. Only time will be able to tell if every thing really is fine or not.

I miss home. And yet at the same time, I know that I cannot leave until I resolve the number one worry on my mind. I refuse to believe in something that cannot be verified. I refuse. Besides, I've been wrong about these things so many times before, what are the odds that I'm right? Very very slim.

And I don't know what to do.

You know, whenever something bad or disappointing happens, you go through 5 stages.

1. Denial & Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Big clue as to which I am currently in. I was in denial for far too long. But now, it's time to face the truth. As much as I want it, I can't have it. I still love and yet, I can't live like this. It's better this way isn't it? There's nothing left and it hurts too much to hold on. It's too late for anything.

I'm sorry but it's just too late for me. It's not that I stopped loving, it's just that I can't live a lie.

And there it is. Staring at me in the face. Waiting for me to just take it. It's right there. Just waiting for me to say hi. Waiting for me to open up. I know I'm way too trusting aren't I. I care too much sometimes don't I?

A lot of people say that it's bad for me. But right now, I'm sure. I can trust. I after all, am free. How can I not take what's mine. How can I not just reach out and touch it.

All my life I've been waiting for something to just reach out. And it turns out that it's right there. It's been there all this time and I've been hesitating. I still remember what that random person at Einstein's said to me. Haha.

But let's face it. I'm not in that place yet. I won't fall. I can't fall. A friend is someone who's supposed to be be honest to me. Someone that lifts me up. Someone that brings out the best in me. And that's what you are to me. Thank you so much. You really have no idea how much you've helped. And I love it. That you help me. I love it that you see me. I guess I'm not so invisible am I? Thank you. So much.

Much love,
MeL

i can't sell my soul twice now can i?

Oh am I fooling you?
Do you fall for it all
Or do you just see right through?
Are you as cool as you believe?
Are you playing hard?
Are you waiting just to quietly clock my card?
Are you waiting for a moment to leave?

Sure as hell feels like it doesn't it? That I fooled you, I fooled myself. I keep on fooling people around me. But let's face it, no one else knows me the way you do. No one knows you the way I do. It's hard to explain because in a weird way we're so alike in out immaturity. And within that same concept, the maturity is another situation altogether is it not? Sometimes you remind me of a child that must have its way and yet at others it's like you're a go with the flow person.

I don't know how I bent what you said
To what I believe you meant
I don't know anything at all
I'm standing in the push and shove
And I'm just within the rescue
Of the labour of your love
I can't do anything but fall
A fall, a fall fall fall
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I'm the only survivor
Why am I thinking of...
You and me and the labour of love?

At the time I knew what you meant and you knew what I meant. Or so I thought. I can't seem to understand why. Or perhaps I do and I just don't want to believe it to be true. It's just like Saf said, you would've thought I'd learn by now. But apparently, I still fall into the same old trap over and over and over.

One chance, one shot
That's all anybody ever got
New born still warm
Naked in the rush hour dancing in my gutter
And if you want to find me
Call me, I'll be far from
The cars and guitars and
Everybody
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I'm the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of
You and me and the labour of love?

I've had more chances and shots than I can remember. I feel invisible. Unseen and unseeing. I used to look at my world through rose tinted glasses. I'm not that impossible to reach. It just looks that way. It's how I am. But heck, we all know that don't we. And quite honestly speaking, I'm never far from the cars or guitars. Everybody, yes. But not the cars or the guitars. Never the guitars. You are another story altogether though, it's so hard to get through to you. You're just so out of reach to me.

And I never knew before
But I feel like a child in a cold, cold war
So strong, so tough
Sitting in suburbia, waiting for the wind up
And I don't want to dance
I just want to jump from the prison of circumstance
Why am I thinking of
You and me and the labour of love?
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I'm the only survivor?
why am I thinking of
You and me and the labour of love?

And at the end of the day, this liberation has put me back in a prison cell. I'm still a victim of horrid timing and even worse circumstance. I know what this is. It is nothing. It can never be something because it's something that in an essence we don't quite want. And yet I still find myself thinking of... Well, you know.

I just got back from class. Yes yes I know I still have that assignment that's sooner rather than later going to completely seal my doom. But I can't help but think of my Psych assignment. It turns out that yes, although women worry about emotional infidelity, sexual infidelity bothers us more. Haha. So it seems that the data is a little off isn't it? Considering last year's experiment. Whereas men find sexual infidelity more distressing. But when it comes to emotional, they're in the middle. How strange is that. I suppose it's instinct. I wouldn't really know, I'm not a guy. I can't read people the way I used to.

People keep telling me I'm very transparent. I have news for you. Just because you know my music or what I'm talking about, doesn't mean that you know me. So quit fooling yourself.

I want you to know something. Your words are like whispers in the wind. Whispers that are barely heard by me. Your questions are so trivial and you make the most important things sound like such a simple decision. I'm not like that. I cannot be like that. It's just not me. Honestly do you really think I'm that simplistic? Asking me those kinds of questions or insinuating the kinds of things that you do is not helping you one bit. Such suggestive thoughts are not the way to get to me. At most you're irritating the bloody daylights out of me. I keep trying to subtly hint to you that your values and mine are far too different. We can't run away from them forever you know. It's never that easy. I won't run. I will never run from things that are that important to me.

You don't do the little things that do matter. In fact, you don't do the big things either. We have near nothing in common. I'm nothing more to you than just another face on your wall. And you... you left a mark on me. It's not something that is so easily forgotten. I think I prevented that scar from healing because I never want to forget the things that have ever happened to me. I don't want to forget the pain that I've been through. You remind me of the man that I used to love. Now he did the little things. He did everything that I could ask for. Things that made it possible for me to overlook the flaws. Until one day he did something that I couldn't forgive. He did the same thing that you did. And somehow, I found it in myself to forgive you and I couldn't forgive him. to this day I cannot. We talk, we're friends, we're close. We pretend that it's resolved when it never was.

The one thing that I never can forget is the fact that you said I broke your heart. But you don't realise that you aren't the only one who was broken. You didn't realise what I was thinking. You didn't see why I couldn't. You're a little selfish that way aren't you. But that's just the way you are. That's just the way things aren't they? I could go on forever. I really could. But it's becoming too hard. I can't do this anymore.

I am free. This form of liberation has never tasted so bitter and yet so sweet. I told my brother that it is amazing not having to be tied down, not having to report my whereabouts to anybody. More often than not it's good. But sometimes you have to wonder if people care enough to want to know. In my case, I doubt they do.

I'm freezing. I've never felt so cold in a room that is so warm. I do not understand it. Is this what it's supposed to be like? Is this the empty happiness that I've feared for so long? I wish I had the words to explain these thoughts. Or the chill that plays up and down my spine. It scares me and yet it comforts me. It is such a mystery. People are such mysteries.

Out with the old and in with the new
What was lost may yet be renewed
A river that runs wild can never be tamed
No thoughts this strong can ever be named
Should we try and be shot down
Or live in a bubble, never to drown?

Don't ask me where that came from. I have no clue. It just streamed from my thoughts. I am happy for the friends that I have here. I am happy with the choices I make. Most of the time at least. And now in my happiness, I wish you well and good night.

Hello. My name is Melissa. And I have a problem. I have addictions. I'm not perfect and I can never be perfect. I don't care much for people who lie or cheat. I don't care much for people who treat others like dirt. I care about sincerity. I care about trust.

This is tiring. I'm not angry any more. I am still a little upset. But that's all there is to it. I am numb. Numb from caffeine, tobacco and alcohol. Most of all, numb from pain. It's not new to me. None of this is.

Hello. My name is Melissa. And I need help. I think.

These foolish games are tearing me apart. Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

And I mean it.

I tried. You were a really good friend. I miss you. I want things to be ok. But I can't always have what I want. In fact you taught me that. Sometimes it's not meant to be. Sometimes, it's not right. Whatever happens now, I leave in your hands. I hope you are well. Take care. I still worry. I'm still concerned. Even though we hardly speak. I may not agree with some of the things you say but all the same, I can understand where you're coming from. Shouldn't that be enough?

It's a Pity

Blue Velvet is creepy. Disturbing, morbid, embedded in fantasy and yet very real. Honestly there were particular scenes that are already beginning to replay over and over in my mind. I can understand why Mel enjoyed it. I guess I could as well if I had a drink or two to warm me up. But yes, disturbing.

It made me think about things. Like how I do things. Perhaps I really should just cut my losses and look forward. Enough with the whole self pity. I'm better than that. Aren't I?

I spoke to Amran yesterday. And at the end of our conversation she told me to be nice to myself. Nice. Being nice. I didn't quite understand it at the time but I'm beginning to get it now. Being good to myself equates to letting myself do the things that I love, and doing the things that won't lead to my own ruin. So in a weird way, I've not been very nice to myself have I? Pity... Such a pity....

That reminds of that song that I'm still hunting for. Oh well... So here's to cutting my loses. Then, I'll have to work on quitting smoking. And eventually quitting drinking. I'm quite serious about it. But unfortunately, I like smoking too much. So, how on earth am I going to do this? I can't waste the pack. Nor can I save it. So since it's almost gone anyways, what say I finish this and then see how long I can last?

falling to pieces

I was watching Singles. I like. The Bridget Fonda one. Besides there's the oh so hot Campbell Scott and and Matt Dillon. Haha. I went straight to bed right after I watched it which explains what I'm doing up so early. Annoying.

Oh, apparently my smoking stinks the furtherest room from me. Well... Guess I won't be smoking with the blinds down anymore will I? Hahahaha!!!! I know I so asked for it but hey. Whatever man... I prefer to stay inside to smoke as opposed to going outside where I'll run into people that I really don't want to run into.

I had another dream. I was running and this person was chasing me. I was trying to get away and yet I couldn't. A part of me wanted to stay put and a part of me wanted to run. When he finally caught up to me, he took my hand and I crumbled. It wasn't a game. I literally crumbled. As in my body broke into pieces. Strange no?

But that's the gist of it. It's just the way of things now isn't it? My life feels like I've been sucked into a cyclone. It's just spinning round and round, completely out of my control. Perhaps I should just go back to sleep.

Oh God, just fucking shoot me already. Really. I don't even know where to start with this and I have no idea where it's going to take me. I'm so damned frustrated it's not funny. Drink drink drink drink drink and now I'm basing my assignment on Oktoberfest. How..... painfully fun.

I mean if I knew what to write or how to go about writing the Business Proposal I wouldn't be in this mess but unfortunately for me, I AM. I mean come on. I'm trying to propose for an art gallery in commemoration of.... well... Beer?! Heh. What the fuck man... What the fuck.... And that's not it, there's Advertising. I'm COMPLETELY lost in Advertising. I have no clue what to do at all! So much for it being easy Elaine.

And to think that these two particular modules I'm bitching about are the same two modules that I took on a whim. WHIM! The ones I took on a WHIM are the ones that are stressing me out! This is ridiculous!

On top of all these, I still feel that insanely annoying pang of GUILT. YES, I have been guilt tripped for the millionth time. Talk about impossibilities. And the best part is I wasn't the one that broke the promise! I wasn't! This person is the one that started it in the first place! Why are these stupid double standards being imposed on me?! In all honesty, why the hell did I agree to this in the first place! Trust? Love? HAH! I believe in neither at this point. The next person that tries to say anything of the sort to be will be in for it because for fuck's sakes I am so not amused. NOT ONE BIT.

I just want to be happy. I want to be able to know what I'm doing. I mean come on, when I don't make the slightest effort, I'm fine but the minute I start getting into my work everything doesn't make any sense anymore. How does that work? Honestly, how does that work?! It doesn't make any sense now does it?

This is in absolute violation of everything that I stand for! Have I missed anything out? Well... lets see... names for one but I won't do that now will I? Thank God the people I bitch about I don't care enough to give them access to this blog. So yea, how about that gun pointed to my head. Anyone want to fire it? Coz I'm a slave of karma. And wheels are just gonna keep on spinning.

I guess you're all allowed to give me the I told you so speech coz well... you did tell me so. You did. And I knew it was going to happen and still I let it. Even though hypothetically speaking it's not quite my fault, I am responsible for myself. No one else is but me. I answer to no one remember?

Today I'll be spinning on a Wheel
I'm a slave to a Wheel
And there isn't any stopping
What mistake(s) could I have made?
I'm a slave serving time for a life that I've forgotten.

I'm a slave of Karma
Spin the Wheel and I'm a king reborn
I'm a slave to Karma
I'm coming back, yeah, I'll be coming back
But for the last time.

Today I'm a king on the Wheel
Still a slave to the Wheel
But this time around I'm smiling
Keep me cautious, keep me safe, just in case there's a chance
I can leave this Wheel behind me.
Stand in the Middle and you won't get dizzy
Stand in the Middle and you won't fall down
If you stand in the Middle you can keep your balance
Stand in the Middle while the Wheel spins round and round...

I'm a slave of Karma
Spin the Wheel and I'm a king reborn
I'm a slave to Karma
I'm coming back, yeah, I'll be coming back
But for the last time.
I'm a slave of Karma
Spin the Wheel and I'm a King reborn
I'm a slave to Karma
I'm coming back, yeah, I'll be coming back
But for the last time.

How do all the Wheels inside the Wheels revolving,
Go on, and on, and on, and on, and on...
Spinning on the Wheel the souls of One evolving,
Live on, live on, live on, live on, live on...
Anyone who claims that they know the answer's coming back again...

Who's at the center of the Wheel
The inventor of the Wheel
or another spinning servant
I'm the Master of my Wheel of my very own Wheel
Universal and recurrent

I'm a slave of Karma
Spin the Wheel and I'm a King reborn
I'm a slave to Karma
I'm coming back, yeah, I'll be coming back
But for the last time.

Splashdown, Karama Slave

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Melissa-Ann Tan
Birthday:	6th December 1985
Birthplace:	Singapore
Current Location:	Melbourne, Australia
Eye Color:	brown
Hair Color:	black
Height:	1.69m
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Shanghainese, Indian, Eurasian, Peranakan
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Adidas
Your Weakness:	My Brother
Your Fears:	emptiness
Your Perfect Pizza:	everything on it!
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	that's a secret
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	omg or meh
Thoughts First Waking Up:	ow... my head...
Your Best Physical Feature:	my er.. .eyes?
Your Bedtime:	whenever
Your Most Missed Memory:	cigarettes under and umbrealla in the rain at midnight
Pepsi or Coke:	coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	maccers
Single or Group Dates:	single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	both
Cappuccino or Coffee:	isn't cappuccino coffee?
Do you Smoke:	duh
Do you Swear:	but of course
Do you Sing:	sorta
Do you Shower Daily:	duh....
Have you Been in Love:	yea
Do you want to go to College:	is uni and college the same thing
Do you want to get Married:	someday
Do you belive in yourself:	yea
Do you get Motion Sickness:	nope
Do you think you are Attractive:	haha yea
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	more often than not
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yea
Do you play an Instrument:	terribly, but yes
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yes. too much
In the past month have you Smoked:	yes. too much
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yea
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yea
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	uh huh! and i'm loving it!
In the past month have you been on Stage:	yea
In the past month have you been Dumped:	nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	tangible or intangible?
Ever been Drunk:	yea
Ever been called a Tease:	too many times
Ever been Beaten up:	nope
Ever Shoplifted:	nope
How do you want to Die:	i don't really care
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	me
What country would you most like to Visit:	Egypt
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

I had a dream. It felt like I was a snake leaving behind a perfect mould of myself. And after wiggling and squirming, I looked at this... puppet on the bed and realised it wasn't a mould, I was staring at myself. Staring a total shock as the past few days replayed right in front of me. I felt so disgusted. I kept screaming no, no, NO! And still... It wouldn't stop. It never does.

I realise now what that dream meant. I'm still kicking myself over it mind you. It's not nice. It's never nice. Never have I ever felt more disgusted with myself. So what am I supposed to do now? Am I supposed to trust myself? Trust you? Trust people? I'm finding it harder and harder each day.

How can I believe a person whose story is different each time it's told? You are a child in my eyes. I'm still trying to make sense of all this. I just hate the ambiguity. I have a lot more to live for than you could ever imagine. And until you realise that I don't necessarily need you, you will never get me.

Sometimes you amaze me because of the things you say. But my opinion of you dies down because you hardly listen to yourself.

of fairy tales and dreams

It's new. But it's still me. I was told that my previous site was creepy. To say the least. So here Prasad, I changed it just for you. :)

The change also marks a new juncture in this crazed life that I lead. I'm becoming more me than ever. The old me, the new me, ah whatever! But still, this is me. And I'm loving it. I don't really care if people around me are gonna get worried or pissed. I mean it's not like what I do affects them much anyway. I've got my distances, I've got my little secrets. Sometimes I do scream and bounce off the walls but still, this is loads more fun.

I'm lazy to go and get my stuff done... argh... But I must therefore I will. And so I just need to dry my hair and I'm off. :D

Well... it looks like I'm about to break another one of my promises to myself as it were. I spoke to my brother earlier. I miss him dearly. How much more of this torture my mind can endure has an answer that has eluded my for far too long. I have to I suppose. For his sake if not my own. My love for him is infinite. I cannot find it in me to allow him to suffer and yet he is much older than I.

The amount of things that I've done in so little time is ludicrous. I never thought that I would have had so much on my mind this early into the semester. The things I have said, the things I have done, ridiculous. Embarrassment is an understatement. But still I have no other choice but to hold my head up high. It is who I am is it not? I must endure.

So to I will live. So to I will breathe. And so to, I will take back that which is mine. You cannot presume to have robbed me of that which is not yours to rob. My life is my own. My soul is my own. My heart is my own. There are a far deal of greater things that trouble me than one person could. Or so I believe. And yet I still find it so difficult to rid my mind of these thoughts.

Living this life is but a dream. Living in reality is nothing but fantasy. Can you understand what I am saying when you read out those two sentences to yourself? I think perhaps not. That is so, because you do not know me. You cannot know me because you will forever see that which you wish to see. You do not know what kind of a person I am or how serious I can be or what happens when fury takes over. None of you do. All that you can fathom is flying fists, bottles, cups and even cell phones. Needless to say that I have become far too much of a different person than the child that you remember. And with this I break yet another vow unto myself. I would be very cautious if I were you.

I do not seek that which I wish to hear. I seek the truth. Not in an absolution but the truth nonetheless. I do not take kindly to anything false. It will be your own undoing if that is the path you choose to follow, not mine. We each have choices to make, roads to follow, people to see, to love and to hate. Do you choose your own destiny or are you subjected to coincidence? I do not believe in coincidence or chance. Every immeasurable thing happens for a reason and that is what I am going to find out. And God help you if you stand in my way.

I am in the midst of watching The Last Emperor. No, I do not like it. No, I am not enjoying it as it is still playing. And yet I see fit for myself to finish it. I did enjoy the beginning.

I do not like it. I do not like it one bit. It makes me sick to see that such people have had existed. On some level I feel pity for the last emperor.

All this has made me quite grateful that I live in an era where democracy or pseudo democracy, or whatever you wish to call it. If I had lived then, I would have taken my life from the shame. But then again, I would still be Singaporean. That or my birth certificate would have been Bristish.

All this and yet I still complain of the life I live today. I am untroubled by everything except two things, one person and the life of a student. Both of which I begin to understand work hand in hand. Gone are the days where I lived carefree. There are many things now that I must be concerned with. It is my gift and yet it is my curse.

When will I find the peace of mind that I long for? When I have managed to cast my worries and responsibilities aside? Or when I begin to live the life of a robot? I am a person. Such things trouble me. I refuse to surrender myself to causes that are not mine to follow. The pain I feel is the only reminder that I am alive. It is the only thing that keeps me breathing. I do not like it but it is all that I have left.

What happens when life is forsaken an love cast away? I feel more sick now that I have before.

No more games. No more nice Mel. I know I'm normally the what you see if what you get kinda girl but... I think it's a well known fact that I still have my soft spots for people now don't I. I've had more than enough of all this shit. And as hard as it's gonna be for me to stick by this, I am going to do whatever is in my best interests. Even if it means giving up on you. But let's face it, you haven't exactly inspired the best of confidence in me have you. I don't like people bullshitting me. And I certainly don't like people who think that they can take me for granted. So. This is one last chance. You have 24 hours starting now. The clock's ticking and you know what? I don't care anymore.

RIGHT! Who am I trying to kid? My patience fluctuates far too much where you're concerned. It's painfully annoying. You irritate me so much sometimes and yet at others you're the one that paints a smile on my face. We're a little odd. I like that sudden spark of honesty that you put on the table. I appreciate it. Coz when it comes down to the crunch, it's just like my lover said "We are very much alike you and I, I and you, Us"

So what pray tell is going to happen now? The ball's in your court again. In fact, it's been collecting dust for quite a while now hasn't it?

I watched this movie called "Only You" today. Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr circa 1994. Not too shabby I'd say. It's your average sappy kinda guy gets girl kinda movie. A little stupid but in a strange way, it makes a twisted sense.

The housemates outside are watching Swingers. I however am not in a mood for another sappy flick. Can you blame me really? Heh... I'd rather scare myself silly by watching.. Oh I don't know... Thir13en Ghosts. I'm strange that way aren't I? I remember watching that in the movies with my brother. It was the only movie that we watched in the theatre just the two of us.

Adam received the package today. He was ecstatic. Or so he sounded over the phone. I miss home and I miss the lack of irritation or complications. Well, there is irritation and of course there is complication. But still... It's home. Honestly, there would only be one thing that I'd want to take with me from Melbourne apart from the weather. But that guys, is a bloody impossibility. Heh.

When did I become so... struck? No I can't say that word. I can't bring myself to imagine or even type it. I don't want to keep my hopes that high up only to have them crash. I had my chance and... I blew it. Quite honestly I have my secrets but I don't like the idea of having to lie to people about something like this either. I somehow... Want to run away again. I don't like this feeling, I don't like these thoughts. I loathe it in fact.

Now there's a movie that I wouldn't mind watching right about now. Sappy, yes. But it has an amazing soundtrack not to mention brilliant acting and interpretations. It's sappy but not in a patronising way like all those other sappy movies like Titanic for example. Now that... It was good for a one time kinda show. But needless to say the hype was much more than the movie itself deserved.

Thinking of these things makes my mind wander right back to the one thing that's on my mind almost everyday now. I wonder who I'd want to see if I were down to one last breathe. If I had that choice who would I want to hold my hand for the last time that blood still flows through my veins? Well if it's gonna happen soon, squeeze my hands for all you're worth. The pain reminds me that I'm not quite done with this place yet. I mean, is dying really such a bad thing? I was talking to a couple of people on... erm... Friday? Yea. We spoke of hell. A place that I somehow see myself stumbling down to. If you're a Southern Baptist than no matter what I do, I'm going straight to hell anyways. The devil's child with red nails and a cigarette to her lip. Ears infused with guitar melodies and a penchant for all things that are bad for me. What else is new eh?

I'm still lying on this plane with everything you've said playing over and over in my head. I know you didn't mean half the things you've said to me. I can't help but doubt it because I can't find it me to trust you. I want to. I really do but you're gonna have to do a lot more than that to regain my trust. Well... I suppose karma has a weird way of sneaking up on people doesn't it? Well, it's hanging around me now. It's only a matter of time. But... If I could, I wouldn't let it take you. I'd rather suffer in your place. Wow, how gallant and chivalrous of me. -_- But I know you know and you know I know. Denial's for losers. Do you really want to brand yourself with that?

So just like that. Bang BANG. He wore black and I wore white? Opposite much? Heh. Seasons came and changed the time. When I grew up... I knew. In fact you told me that didn't you. Come to think of it. That way why you told me all those things because you knew me. Or at least you thought you did. I still get people to do things for me. But this time, I might just have to take the pleasure of getting things done all by myself. But trust me when I say it'll hurt me a lot more than it's going to hurt you. I'm nice like that. Yes. The nice little girl that people keep on walking all over.

I'd still like to believe that Melbourne is where I can start fresh. Whole new me. Or better yet, let's bring the old me back. The real me. But then again backtracking is not me at all is it? Whatever man...

Songs of the moment.... Blessed Union of Souls, Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me). God... this used to be my bloody theme song way back when. This and LFO's Girl on TV. But back to that song, do you honestly think I care that much about all that stuff? I'm not as materialistic as you think I am. If I wanted my own stuff I'd get it. Don't you dare think that I'm only after all your stuff. Honestly. I might like it but I can totally live without it.

Almost Another Day.

And so it is just like how I knew it was going to be. I'll cast away all sanity and struggle to breathe in a clogged up world where what I want, what I need and what is good for me are completely different things.

I never said I wanted to leave all this behind. I don't mean to. I never do. But it still comes out that way doesn't it? I'm not desperate. I just want what's mine. Is that so hard? Well... it's not mine I suppose. But still, I want it. And I will stop at nothing. After all, it's just a matter of time. Things are all already falling into place one by one.

So far, I'm lucky not to have it so hard. Note, so far. But only 2 of the 3 have returned. And the last one was pretty bad. All I have left is to brace myself eh? These are the things that I'd give. There is a lot more that I would give but these are just some of them. These are the things I would give to ensure my own mind.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind...
My mind... my mind...
'Till I find somebody new

Damien Rice, The Blower's Daughter

pfft

you're a bitch.jpg
Originally uploaded by enter_the_red_realm.

You know, I actually feel really sorry for you. and I kinda feel sorry for myself at the same time. Same old shit over and over and over and over. When is all of this going to end? Really.

Why is it that for some stupid reason or other I keep wanting the things that aren't good for me? No really. I keep wanting the things that are totally wrong for me.

God knows why I'm awake this early. Honestly man, this is so unlike me. Considering how late I slept last night, this is a little odd don't you think? Whatever... I'm still sleepy after having taken a shower. I've got so much work to do and I don't know where or how to start. Infuriating. And yet there is only one thing that I really want to do.

It's official I am the most paranoid person I know. With no real reason to be in this state. I just put myself there. No, nothing happened. I'm irritable and yet I'm attempting to be sociable. Not a good mix at all. I find... That my head is in a blur again. It's like semester 1 all over again. I'm trying to figure out where my drive went. Where did that goal oriented part of me.

I'm dealing with a sickening laggy computer. I don't know why it's being such a bitch today but it is. I guess even computers have their ups and downs.

Fine instead of typing really insignificant bullshit or ranting about what I'm really miffed about (which is really stupid actually), I'll just leave it here.

I was told something very interesting and yet very true today. It's essentially that when you love something you can't have you love it more and more. The feeling keeps growing.

What then when you have it? What then?

In all realism, no one can really have everything that they want. But wanting things is good. It gives people like you and me a goal. Something to strive and reach for. With all our hearts and souls.

I was raised to believe that in this world, I can have anything I want. It's a matter of how much I'm willing to give up to get it. But let's face it. At my age, or in fact at many ages, all of us essentially want to be loved by different people (subjectively speaking). We already have what we want people. It's just that we don't know it yet.

So far away

"On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
You know
You know..."

Early into the start of the first 2 semesters around this time, I wake up with a jump. I open my eyes without knowing where I am and feel a painful rush surge up and down my spine. Only a little after that do I feel better. Last night was unbearable. Disrupted sleep and nightmares that I couldn't bear.

It was early. I'd say around 11pm. I went straight to my room phone and punched in a familiar number. 573. Do you remember who's number that used to be? Until I realised that shit. She wasn't there anymore. And that's when it hit me. I realised that despite everything that I had gone through it was foolish of me to think that I was so alone when in actuality I wasn't.

Every year, no matter where I am, I keep falling into the same vicious cycle. I spin out of control, scared out of my wits and worried for what will come next. It's the same this time. It's like I haven't changed one bit. My judgement is clouded by the illusion that I crafted for myself. And illusion that even at that point I knew could never be real. A dream. A wasted space. A void that still scars me. What can a person do when what they want is impossible? Do they still fight for that miniscule chance that their dream will come true? Somehow I still am fighting. I don't understand why. I never could understand why.

Most of the choices I've made in this life time seem incomprehensible to many but in my heart I know what I'm doing. This time however, the tides have changed. I'm doing things just because. I do not understand my actions. I do not know why I try so hard. I do not see why I fight for a goal that is so close and yet totally out of reach. This is not what I'm supposed to be doing is it?

Why is it that I have to mask this side of myself and shroud it in big, fancy words? Why do I keep hoping that someone out there reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about when the words I choose are far too ambiguous? Why do I still pray that you will see this when I post this in a place you do not know exists.

I needed. I need to hear you say...

Ok not funny. I'm getting kick outta this sedated feeling. To tell you the truth, I love it. Not being able to really focus and yet being able to fight it off and focus. This doesn't count right? Please tell me this doesn't count. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it did. But either way, At least I'm not hacking or having difficulty breathing. I'm no longer in pain either. But I don't know if this is a good place to be in.