So far away

"On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
You know
You know..."

Early into the start of the first 2 semesters around this time, I wake up with a jump. I open my eyes without knowing where I am and feel a painful rush surge up and down my spine. Only a little after that do I feel better. Last night was unbearable. Disrupted sleep and nightmares that I couldn't bear.

It was early. I'd say around 11pm. I went straight to my room phone and punched in a familiar number. 573. Do you remember who's number that used to be? Until I realised that shit. She wasn't there anymore. And that's when it hit me. I realised that despite everything that I had gone through it was foolish of me to think that I was so alone when in actuality I wasn't.

Every year, no matter where I am, I keep falling into the same vicious cycle. I spin out of control, scared out of my wits and worried for what will come next. It's the same this time. It's like I haven't changed one bit. My judgement is clouded by the illusion that I crafted for myself. And illusion that even at that point I knew could never be real. A dream. A wasted space. A void that still scars me. What can a person do when what they want is impossible? Do they still fight for that miniscule chance that their dream will come true? Somehow I still am fighting. I don't understand why. I never could understand why.

Most of the choices I've made in this life time seem incomprehensible to many but in my heart I know what I'm doing. This time however, the tides have changed. I'm doing things just because. I do not understand my actions. I do not know why I try so hard. I do not see why I fight for a goal that is so close and yet totally out of reach. This is not what I'm supposed to be doing is it?

Why is it that I have to mask this side of myself and shroud it in big, fancy words? Why do I keep hoping that someone out there reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about when the words I choose are far too ambiguous? Why do I still pray that you will see this when I post this in a place you do not know exists.

I needed. I need to hear you say...