My chest hurts. Literally. This gives a whole new meaning to heartache eh? Nah, I just kidding. My heart's fine. It's just my chest. At the back of my head is a very rotten feeling that's been just sitting there, waiting to resurface. And now it's beginning to take over my mind again. It's not the music I'm playing, I'm very sure of that. It's not anything I'm doing, I can guarantee it too. It's just a rotten feeling that's beginning to mess with my mind. It makes me... Just want to stop. Just stop moving for a while. And just stop thinking.

Derek says all my blogs sound sad. It's not that I mean for them to sound that way. I suppose it's just the way I am? I sound sad all the time? I don't know. It's always been that way I suppose. I find comfort in the sadness and depression even though I am not truly a part of it. It is my nature to find fault with something or other. No matter what I do, I'll find a reason to just sit and not want to be a part of anything.

School was pretty alright. Turns out Melbourne's a pretty small place. And I think... I really should keep my trap shut. Being sociable is one thing. But this is getting out of hand. I find it hard to talk to anyone here. Except one person. And I can't tell this one person too much because it's complicated.

I've been reflecting on all I've done so far this semester. And I realise that he's right. I need to strike a balance between what I love and what I must do. On top of this, I need to learn how to be less negative. I've got to stop putting myself down.

You know what? I think I know why I'm feeling like this. I think I know what the cause is. And I hate it. I hate the reason why I can't find it in myself to be happy. Perhaps Jon is right. It's not coincidence that I keep landing myself into one mess after another. Perhaps it's not worth having fun if I keep having to deal with all this shit.

Things at home are also on my mind. I worry. I couldn't stand hearing her cry on the phone. I felt so... helpless. I wish I could be there. There are few people in this world that I'd give up everything for. My boys, I'd do anything for you. You are the people that keep me in check. You're the ones that give me inspiration to do what I can and more importantly, what I must.

I miss you Melvyn. I keep dreaming of you. I hope you are safe. No, I know that you are. I want you to keep on being safe. I don't want to ever see you sad. You're so much older than I am and yet I can' t help but feel so protective over you. All you need to do is say the word and I'll jump on the next flight back. You're my brother. You're going to land up being the only person that's left standing by me in this world. And I cannot have you worrying about me all the time. You've got your own family now. They need you more than I do. Just remember that I love you. And it breaks my heart that for nearly one and a half years I spend so much time away from you. I miss you and I wish you were here. But at the same time, I know that you can't be in Australia. You've got your whole life ahead of you. I am happy that you are doing so well. Remember this, I am your only sister. It's just me. And no matter what happens to any of us, I will always love you. You will always be on my mind. No matter what. I love you.