Every thing is beginning to sink in. The idea of me being so far away is intoxicating. Are things going to be like this every time I leave? Because it sure seems that way. So you tell me. What would you do. Really. What would you do if you were me.

I still want to call home and cry my eyes out. I still want to just crumble. I still don't want to be strong. And in a moment of randomness while still talking about things that I want and don't want, I want to be able to see the moon. And see your smiling face one more time.

It feels so surreal to be back in Melbourne. I'm still not very used to it. Yes, I miss home. Yes I love home. But I begin to remember what I love about this place as well. I miss home. I really do. But I'll be ok. Really. I'll be ok.

Thanks for helping me unpack Jades. I couldn't have done it without you. Seriously.

I just want to say thank you to the people who came. It means the world to me. I love all of you and I'm really going to miss you. But I'm not going to miss getting drunk. Hehe.

So yea, Jin, Tav, Alex, Luke, Rick, Kenny, Cia, Jon, Jan, Mash, Drea, Judy, Saf and the tonnes of others whose names I know and you know, I love you. My love for you guys is infinite and I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm already the luckiest person alive to have such great people for friends.

I'll be seeing you.

So I did wake up eleven. But promptly fell asleep again. The day was chaotic. I love Cia's hair do and the whole look. It was gorgeous! But for some reason despite all the people that were there, I couldn't bring myself to be genuinely happy. I was drinking too much too fast and we all know where that leads don't we?

Now as I sit here and type with the biggest hang over in my life for a companion, I don't want to pack. I don't want to leave. And I definitely won't be doing these get togethers before leaving. I get too sloshed. And if there's one thing I've realised, it's that my secrets don't remain my secrets.

I just want to cry. I've wanted to just break down for the longest time. I want to be able to collapse. I don't want to be strong. I don't. For once I just want to be... well... me.

God have mercy on my soul. I'm still awake. I'm not even sleepy. I'm not sleep at all. Not one bit. This is ridiculous. I am so going to die at lunch and dinner and after dinner drinks. I'm going to shoot myself. Seriously.

I've overloaded on Sex and the City. As in I've watched over a season in the past couple of days. This is NOT good. This is NOT good at all! VERY BAD. VERY VERY BAD.

Somebody please shoot me. And let me sleep till 11 coz I have to be in Marina by 1. Then it's a roller coaster ride through the rest of the day. Whether or not everyone can come to Holland V, is another story altogether. I would like to sleep. Really. I would.

And I just heard Charlotte want a Mandarin baby. As opposed to what? A Mandarin Organge? SHEESH! I can't help it. I'm driving myself out of my mind here!!! :|

Sparks from the fire rise up to the sky
Higher and higher oh I want to fly
Out of the story this time I'll be free
Wake up for a moment from this dream of me

Just a legend cold words on a page
Lift up my eyes and I'm soaring away
On silver wings spread out to the sun
I'm leaving this city for the skies above.

O'er the ruins an ancient light
Never lost, never failing
Follow me on my path to the heights
Before the shadows fade into night

Running back but I'm out of time.
I could tell everything
Hear the words that fill my mind
How can I say she was mine

- The Skies Above

He in my case but whatever. I created a group about Time Compression. I know I know it's childish and stuff, But what do I care eh? I like it. For those that care, or care to poke fun at me, here it is. Time Compression.

ok that was a miserably failure to blog in Chinese but who cares. :P

珊瑚海

珊瑚海
(周杰倫) 海平面遠方開始陰霾
悲傷要怎麼平靜純白
我的臉上
始終挾帶
一抹淺淺的無奈

(梁心頤) 你用唇語說你要離開
(心不在)
那難過無聲慢了下來
洶湧潮水
你聽明白
不是浪而是淚海

(合) 轉身離開
(你有話說不出來)
分手說不出來
海鳥跟魚相愛
只是一場意外
我們的愛
(給的愛)
差異一直存在
(回不來)
風中塵埃
(等待)
竟累積成傷害

(合) 轉身離開
(分手說不出來)
分手說不出來
蔚藍的珊瑚海
錯過瞬間蒼白
當初彼此
(你我都)
不夠成熟坦白
(不應該)
熱情不再
(你的)
笑容勉強不來
愛深埋珊瑚海

(周杰倫) 毀壞的沙雕如何重來
有裂痕的愛怎麼重蓋
只是一切
結束太快
你說你無法釋懷

(梁心頤) 貝殼裡隱藏什麼期待
(等花兒開)
我們也已經無心再猜
面向海風
鹹鹹的愛
嘗不出還有未來

(合) 轉身離開
(你有話說不出來)
分手說不出來
海鳥跟魚相愛
只是一場意外
我們的愛
(給的愛)
差異一直存在
(回不來)
風中塵埃
(等待)
竟累積成傷害

(合) 轉身離開
(分手說不出來)
分手說不出來
蔚藍的珊瑚海
錯過瞬間蒼白
當初彼此
(你我都)
不夠成熟坦白
(不應該)
熱情不再
(你的)
笑容勉強不來
愛深埋珊瑚海

Quite a few people are going to ask me what all that was about. And quite a few already have. So here it is.

My life seems so surreal. It's like a game. Sometimes it's a dream but more often than not it's a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. Right now, it's a delusion. A delusion that keeps telling me I've got loads of time and there's nothing to worry about when in fact, there is a world of things to worry about. A world of things that I need to have settled. A tonne of shit that just isn't going to go away just like that.

I'm running around searching for some form of comfort that doesn't exist because I refuse to see the truth. The truth being that everything doesn't come up daisies and good things don't just happen to good people. And that no matter how hard I try, sometimes I won't get what I want. And this brings be to wonder what is it that I want?

Do I want the one thing that I scorn? It really seems like it doesn't it?

My Daddy took me out to dinner tonight at Jumbo Water Front. It was alright. But all of a sudden I felt like I had already left home. I never want someone to tell me that Melbourne is home because it isn't. And I don't think that it can ever be because no matter what happens, my home is here in the desolate island. And this is only the way it is because I feel like there's nothing left for me here. And I have the feeling that I'm right. Staying means living a wasted life. But going back means giving up things that I want to hold on to.

Sometimes means all the time. Maybe. Maybe I need to stay. But who knows right? I'm just a fucked up girl that doesn't know what she wants. I'm just a fucked up girl who wants to belong somewhere. How is that going to work while I keep deluding myself? Am I lying to myself again? It really seems like it. Sometimes things are too good to be true.

I think I'm going to break down. This feeling is all too familiar to me. I don't like it. I don't want to have to face it. But I don't have much of a choice now do I? I just... I don't know.

I'm just going to cry now.

Another dream. Kenny, Celia and Alex. I don't know what was going on but they did be a very big favour. I doin't even know what the favour was though... Whatever it is, I remember something about Kino, Celia wanting to sleep, Kenny buying a CD and Alex buying a life rpg.

THEN Tavia woke me up. :@ After so much trouble I had trying to get to sleep in the first place.

I had another dream last night. I didn't quite know whether or not I wanted to write about it. It was disturbing. I'm not saying that my other dreams weren't disturbing. It's just that I hadn't thought about him in so long. In fact, I haven't spoken to him in so long let alone thought. I don't even remember when I last spoke of him.

Oh wait... I do...

But yea... It was a disturbing dream about me and someone I never should have gone out with. Someone who reminds me of Starbucks and grapefruits in the middle of the afternoon. Why the sudden dream. Was I really thinking about him in my subconscious? I don't think so. I dare not think so. It was wrong. Totally wrong. And I was lucky enough to run out of the damned thing and fast. And let's face it, I'm only daring enough to write this here because I realised he has no idea I have this. This little piece of me that I take with me everywhere. Yes, I know it's pathetic to get attached to your online presence.

It's left a foul taste in my mouth that even the glass of Reisling I had minutes ago can take away. Can you take away my pain? Because it's not welcome anymore. Don't let it rain on my parade. These are supposed to be the last few days I have till I go and here I am. With a foul taste in my mouth. It's not making any of this easier. None of you are making this easier. I'm the girl that doesn't want to leave but doesn't want to stay.

Just shoot me anymore. I don't want to feel.

Ever had the feeling that people are always watching you? Most seem to think it's more someone who's waiting to see them fall. But I don't think so. For some reason, I keep seeing people who are looking up to me now. People who're depending on me to make things better. People who're following my every move. People suddenly mirroring me.

Why. It's probably not true. But why all the same. Why do I feel this way. Why do I keep thinking that people are just out to get me. To be better than me. And I let them. I don't see it as a competition of who's better than who. But if you wish to be like me, then you're in for it because you don't know me at all. You have no idea what you're getting into. Doing the things I do isn't going to cut it. It's not going to make you like me at all. Because in the end, there can only be one me. And you'll just be an illusion.

On much happier notes, Jada went and got her guitar!! w00t w00t w00t! I still don't know if I want to bring mine back to Melbourne. Or if I can for that matter. I'll take it to the air port with me but there's still the question of being able to bring it on board the plane. Ah well...

I'm kind of afraid of going back. Part of me doesn't want to have to live through the pressure. Thinking about going back is making my life difficult. I shouldn't have to think about it. It's something that I have to do. It's something that I should be prepared for right? What if... What if I go back and everything changes? What if it's not going to be all that I think it should be? Am I ready for the disappointment? Don't tell me that I'm being paranoid. Because even when I drop my expectations to near nothingness, I'm still disappointed. So what's the use? There is none. I told someone that I've forgotten how to hope. Maybe I haven't. Maybe it's just too hard for me. Maybe I just don't want to be disappointed anymore.

the rant

Reading makes you angry you douche bag? Is that all it does to you? It makes you more angry than people who are directly affected? Please, stop playing hero. If you had any real connection to this fine. If you did anything to help fine. But I you didn't. And you talk about it as if it were a joke. And you still have the nerve to say you were angry? What rubbish. My impression of you has dropped even more. If you wanna talk shit by all means go right ahead. But do it with other shit heads like you.

pieces of me

Over and over again. Everything just keeps repeating itself. Is it really getting better or is it getting worse? No one can ever know right? For all I know I didn't change. For all I know this was the same person she used to be all those years ago. I've spent so much time reminiscing that I don't know who or what I've become or who or what I was. I still do the same things. I've added oodles more bad habits. But I'm still me aren't I? I'm still me inside. I know I keep saying that no one will ever change that but am I just living in denial of it? Haven't I already changed? I can't quite say.

I remember talking to Kenny about this a while back. He said I'm a better person now than I used to be. I can't help but wonder what was wrong about me back then. I know I was ignorant. I know that parts of my mentality was too warped to believe. But who's to say I wasn't a better person. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see me. Just like when I cut my hair. I closed my eyes and I refused to look until it was mostly over. And when I looked again, I didn't know who it was staring back. And now I see myself again. This is me isn't it? I'm real. I'm not a lie. I don't mean to be fake even though sometimes I am the poseur that I scorn. But deep down... I just want to be me. Perfect in my own way. Still the innocent little girl who just wants to be found.

whoooooaaaaaa........ I never thought that caffeine had this effect on me! I mean come on... I used to drink coffee like my life depended on it but now... After a few cups of my beloved hazlenut coffee.... I'm WIDE AWAKE and the caffeine is getting to me!!! I can't sleep even though I want to! I can't do anything!! This feeling is really something else! And with the amount of things on my mind staying awake isn't exactly a good thing now is it?

I know I've been having strange dreams again. But... I can't seem to remember them. I just remember ONE person out of them. But... I can't remember what it was about. Talk about frustrating. Ah well...

There're a lot of things that I don't want to remember or think about. But... I guess I have to don't I? I've got a lot of things to settle before I leave. 9 or 10 days isn't exactly enough but I'll have to do it.

Inertia creeps

I HATE YOU. I hate having to be so fucking nice to you when I just want to kill you. I HATE YOU for making me feel so fucking shitty about myself. I HATE myself for putting myself in this position. I HATE myself for being there. I HATE the fact that you keep popping up in the middle of no where. I HATE the fact that I can't just tell you to fuck off and leave me alone. I HATE YOU so damned much. I HATE you because I care too much to just let you go. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I hate everything.

I just told Alex that I'd be happier in Melbourne. And he asked if it was because of him. Stupid question. I have a slight change of heart in my statement. I'd be happier dead. That way I wouldn't have to feel this shitty. That way, I wouldn't have to feel at all. But.. I don't want to die knowing that it's not my time or that I'll leave the people that love be back behind.

I hate having people constantly on my back. I don't want you to ask. I don't want you to ask me stupid questions to which you already know the answer to. Why bother? I wish you'd just tell me what's going on. I wish I didn't like you at all. But I don't believe in wishes do I. I stopped so long ago.

People keep telling me that it's good that I'm taking interest. I don't know. What's the point? I'm leaving. I'm leaving in what 11? 10 days? I'm not going to be here. I don't have to face you anymore. Ok, fine. That's a lie. I still have to. I still will force myself to. I torture myself.

I wish I could just cry. For no reason at all. I wish I didn't have to lie. I don't want to have to put up a mask for you. Just when I took it all down too. I suppose a part of me likes being vulnerable. It's real that way isn't it? But no... I have to be strong. That's just me isn't it?

I'm just the flower girl aren't I Rick? Aren't I Kenny? I'm just the flower girl. Why can't I just be me. When is that going to be enough?

When am I going to reach a point where people stop waiting for me to fuck up.

It's official. I think I've fallen sick again. My stomach has gone haywire, my body feels like collapsing and my mind is more muddled than ever. This is just it isn't it. This is it. I don't want to have to live like this any more. I don't want to be this way anymore. It's time to stop. Once and for all.

I have decided that I have spent enough time with Hoegaarden, Erdinger, Kahluah, Roti Prata and Ben & Jerry's the whole of yesterday to last me a life time. It was fun though....

Let's do it again some time :)

Boy: I need someone to talk to
Girl: I'm always here for you
Boy: I know
Girl: What's wrong?
Boy: I like her so much
Girl: Talk to her
Boy: I don't know. She won't ever like me
Girl: Don't say that. You're amazing.
Boy: I just want her to know how I feel.
Girl: Then tell her.
Boy: She won't like me
Girl: How do you know that?
Boy: I can just tell
Girl: Well just tell her.
Boy: What should I say
Girl: Tell her how much you like her
Boy: I tell her that daily
Girl: what do you mean?
Boy: I'm always with her. I love her.
Girl: I know how you feel. I have the same problem. But he'll never like me
Boy: Wait. Who do you like?
Girl: Oh some boy
Boy: Oh... she won't like me either.
Girl: She does
Boy: How do you know..
Girl: Because, who wouldn't like you?
Boy: You
Girl: You're wrong, I love you.
Boy: I love you too.
Girl: So are you going to talk to her?
Boy: I just did.

Aww.. Cute... Well, I was rigt. It was a good day. With a good conversation. And many other nice things that I don't care to tell anyone else or write about. The only thing I will say is this - I am happy.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
OH MY GOD!!! I spend one day in total, clean BLISS and I come home to realise that shit. This is not good. Not good at all.

I can't... I can't say anything or do anything. I can't get involved even though I already got dragged into it. There's not getting out of it but I know that I can't risk it. I find myself wondering what kind of a person am I? I don't know what to say or do anymore. Because everything that I thought was good really isn't.

All that I can ask of you is this.
Don't make assumptions. Don't think that I'm talking about you because I'm not. Don't make me choose. Not now.

I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life

It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference

Gonna make it right...



As I, turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat

This wind is blowin' my mind

I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat

Who am I, to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs

A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top

And a one man's soul

They follow each other on the wind ya' know

'Cause they got nowhere to go

That's why I want you to know



I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could have been any clearer

If you wanna make the world a better place

(If you wanna make the world a better place)

Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

(Take a look at yourself, and then make a change)

(Na na na, na na na, na na, na nah)



I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love

It's time that I realize

That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan

Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone?



A willow deeply scarred, somebody's broken heart

And a washed-out dream

(Washed-Out dream)

They follow the pattern of the wind, ya' see

Cause they got no place to be

That's why I'm starting with me

(Starting with me!)



I'm starting with the man in the mirror

(Ooh!)

I'm asking him to change his ways

(Ooh!)

And no message could have been any clearer

If you wanna make the world a better place

(If you wanna make the world a better place)

Take a look at yourself and then make a change

(Take a look at yourself and then make a change)



I'm starting with the man in the mirror

(Ooh!)

I'm asking him to change his ways

(Change his ways-Ooh!)

And no message could've been any clearer

If you wanna make the world a better place

(If you wanna make the world a better place)

Take a look at yourself and then make that...

(Take a look at yourself and then make that...)

Change!



I'm starting with the man in the mirror,

(Man in the mirror-Oh yeah!)

I'm asking him to change his ways

(Better change!)

No message could have been any clearer

(If you wanna make the world a better place)

(Take a look at yourself and then make the change)

(You gotta get it right, while you got the time)

('Cause when you close your heart)

You can't close your... your mind!

(Then you close your... mind!)

That man, that man, that man, that man

With that man in the mirror

(Man in the mirror, oh yeah!)

That man, that man, that man

I'm asking him to change his ways

(Better change!)

You know... That man

No message could have been any clearer

If you wanna make the world a better place

(If you wanna make the world a better place)

Take a look at yourself and then make a change

(Take a look at yourself and then make a change)

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

Na na na, na na na, na na, na nah

(Oh yeah!)

Gonna feel real good now!

Yeah yeah! Yeah yeah! Yeah yeah!

Na na na, na na na, na na, na nah

(Ooooh...)

Oh no, no no...

I'm gonna make a change

It's gonna feel real good!

Come on!

(Change...)

Just lift yourself

You know

You've got to stop it. Yourself!

(Yeah!-Make that change!)

I've got to make that change, today!

Hoo!

(Man in the mirror)

You got to

You got to not let yourself...

Brother...

Hoo!

(Yeah!-Make that change!)

You know-I've got to get that man, that man...

(Man in the mirror)

You've got to

You've got to move! Come on! Come on!

You got to...

Stand up! Stand up! Stand up!

(Yeah-Make That Change)

Stand up and lift yourself, now!

(Man in the mirror)

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

Aaow!

(Yeah-Make that change)

Gonna make that change... come on!

(Man in the mirror)

You know it!

You know it!

You know it!

You know...

(Change...)

Make that change



Man in the Mirror, Michael Jackson

Well... Happy Valentine's Day. I think.
Today's going to be a good day. :)

I was talking to a friend recently who made it very clear to me that if you really cared about someone, you only want them to be happy. Also recently, I found something online that struck a chord. It said, "the more I wish for your happiness the more selfish I become". What then? If you love someone set them free and hope to God that they are happy with someone else or whoever else etc etc?

I somehow get the logic. Aren't relationships supposed to be about trust and all that? So here's the question I have, if a relationship is based on trust, isn't it wrong to break someone's trust even before you're in a relationship?

I spoke to another friend who told me that she did something that's now making her feel miserable. I can relate to that. When she told me the whole story I felt just as helpless as she was. I wish I could have helped her. But I don't know how. I'm in a very strange position at the moment and I'm in no way capable of helping myself. I used to be able to pride myself in helping others and now... I realise that shit, I can't help her. Because she's stuck in the same situation that I'm in. How? There's nothing I can do either right?

She watched the happy people go about their days and then asked me when will she be able to have that happiness. And then I asked her, what makes you think that they're happy all the time. And she couldn't answer. She doesn't realise that it's not the end of the world. She doesn't see herself the way other people do. I'm trying to convince her that she should stop demeaning herself. But hey. No one's really going to listen to me eh? It's easier said than done. But.. we all should savour the moment. Live for now. If we keep worrying about prolonging the good times then we'll miss them. We wouldn't want that right?

Just like what someone told me a long time ago, don't worry about the if's. Stop worrying about things and just go ahead and do it. If you keep on worrying, you'll never know. It's tough especially for people like us. We're half here and half there and chances are it'll get messy because we're in so many different places that we don't know what we want anymore. If you don't take that chance then you'll never know. I hear a lot of people telling me that it can't work or it'll be painful. Doesn't that mean that whatever you have isn't worth anything? You talk about not wanting the other person to be in pain, but that is THEIR choice to make. You can't go around making these decisions for people. You never know. You never know what the person you like is thinking. And even more so, you never know who else out there is going through the same thing because you yourself don't notice them. Sometimes chivalry is a good thing. And at others, it's completely insensitive.

Making my own nightmares
I'm stealing my own dreams
Thoughts of spiralled moonlight
Haunts my inner eyes

Drifting down the broad walk
With nothing to my name
I can't bring myself to remember
The sound of your name

Don't wanna think about these things
Don't you dare come near me
The paranoia is insatiable
Don't even look at me,
It may be the last thing you see

Bloodied hands drip as I go
Is it yours? Mine? I don't know
Why can't you see me for me
Why can't I be what you need

Breaking into a run
The adrenaline pumps
Where am I going, no one knows
I'm running closer, further from you

I wanna think about these things
Don't runaway from me
The paranoia is insatiable
Come closer to me,
I want you to be the last one I see

Nightmares and Dreams, MeL

The things that I do make me dream. My dreams are haunted with unwanted images of you.

this love has taken it's toll on me. you've said goodbye too many times before. my heart is breaking in front of you, i have no choice coz i won't say goodbye anymore.

I feel stupid.
I don't even know why I bother. But hey, I do. It's a problem.

valentine's

I'm only going to say this once. I don't hate Valentine's Day. There isn't an ounce of me that despises it at all. Let's all face facts shall we, most people, note the most, are edgy around this season because they realise that they haven't got anyone to spend it with or that the one they want to spend it with wants to be with someone else etc etc etc. So despite the commercialism and all that jazz, I would like to have someone that I want to spend it with but I don't so there.

My mother was in one of her strange moods today. She started telling me that I shouldn't date certain kinds of people etc etc etc. I just sat there trying to get my organiser done up trying not to say anything. When it dawned upon me that the kind of people that I find myself attracted to are those that fall in her don't date list. Not good eh? That would be one of the few times that I agree with her. I shouldn't date them but I land up doing just that anyways. Talk about contradictory.

So here's to all the lucky people who know that they've got someone to love who loves them back. And to the rest of us, hang in there. There's someone out there. It's just a matter of time before you find them. Giving up now isn't worth it. Hope is on the way eh?

Luke's in Melbourne!!! :) Maybe I shouldn't have been so picky as to only want to fly Singapore Airlines... Easier to get tickets there and back me thinks. But hey. Sigh... What to do what to do. I don't want to go back but I don't want to stay either. I'm undecided as usual. I'm still sitting around waiting for answers to questions that I shouldn't be bothered with. But that's me isn't it? I want to know about things that aren't that big of a deal. I land up asking questions that people think are silly. But it's the little things that mean the world to me. After all, don't you think that the smaller issues are what makes the big picture?

I'm trying to track down "Five String Seranade" by Mazzy Star. If you've heard it, then you'll know that Trik Turner's Friends and Family is a rip off. As a result I started looking at my old CDs. I'm talking REALLY old CDs. I don't even remember ever listening to Suede. And now that I'm playing the CD, I recall the music but not the feeling. Which is pretty strange coming from me. I usually remember the feeling and not the music. My God... It must've been a really long time since I bought the CD then. Of course everyone knows "Beautiful World" but... I dunno... My music taste really has evolved hasn't it?

On top of that, I must continue for Sherene's Closet's "It's a pity". I'd be eternally grateful to the person who can give this song to me. Seriously. :)

Also, Suede fans will notice the uncanny resemblance in the opening riff of "Animal Nitrate" and Dream Theatre's "The Glass Prison". I'm not sure what my stand is on this considering I like both songs. All I can say is, it really explains why I took such a liking to the latter when I first heard it many months back.

Take The quiz yourself

I'm bored. But I don't want to leave home. I'm in too weird a mood to leave the house. The only annoying thing now is, I'm almost out of cigarettes. Shit.

If you can't save me, then please shoot me. Why? I'll tell you why. Because there're strange karaoke singing people downstairs. My mum said that one of them was dressed like a mermaid. Or she said something about mermaids. But she sounds like a banshee if anything. God know I'm not going to be able to get any kind of sleep tonight man...

So my foul mood has disappeared but still, I'm feeling very... off... There's a lot to do but I... Let's face it, I'm getting scared of going back. Really scared. And I don't know if things are going to be any better than the last. God knows I need to get myself a job. Heh...

I love him! He's adorable! My little spiderman costume wearing nephew! My God... If only you guys had seen him!!! He's an angel.

On a much happier note, I'm going shopping tomorrow. There are many things that I need to take to Melbourne with me. And many things that I don't have. SO! MeL goes to shop!!! w00t! :)

DO NOT piss me off today. I'm in a foul mood as it is. I hate everything! Why must I be so damned nice to everybody? I let people walk all over me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! I need to break something. Anything. Preferably something that I won't regret breaking. No amount of comforting is going to be able to make this go away. So yea, if you don't have anything nice to say to me, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

I want to believe you.
I want to believe in us.
When everything is wrong
will you come through?
I want to believe you.
I want to believe you.
I want to believe in us.
When everything is wrong
will you come through?
will you come through?
will you come through?
When everything is wrong?
I want to believe you.
I want to believe in us.
When everything is wrong
will you come through?
I want to believe you.
I want to believe you.
When everything is wrong
will you come through?
Will you come through?
Will you come through?
Will you come through?
- I Want To Believe You, Lori Carson & Paul Haslinger

I have to find some way to keep awake for another 4 hours. I can't let myself get sleepy. And even if I can't stop that, I can't let myself fall asleep. I need to stay awake to get things done. The only problem with doing that is, it makes me think about things that I shouldn't think about, don't want to think about and shouldn't have to think about. I'm still young. I don't want to worry about what's going to happen to me 20 years down the road. Who wants to do that right? And in all honesty, who needs to do that right now?

I want to believe that when everything looks wrong things will be always be ok. I know I usually find a loop hole and jump out in just before everything blows up. But sometimes... I find that I like it when it happens. I deal better with a situation that way. Of course I'd feel completely disgusted but it's always easier to deal with something that warrants panic. It helps me focus on the real problem as opposed to when there's a problem but everyone's just carrying on about their lives as if nothing happened at all. I would rather thrash it all out. I believe this is what Kenny calls closure. But hey.

I know I've got what... 17 days left? It's barely over 2 weeks. And It's going to be hard all over again because this time... Well... This time it's going to be very very different. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it or not. If anything at least I've got the girls with me right? But... The idea of being so far away all over again saddens me. I don't quite know what I want to do with myself at this point. I know I deal with problems. It's what I do and I land up doing it very well but this is a problem that doesn't really have a cause. As in, I don't see a way out of this one. The only solution I can think of is temporary. The only solution is to not think about it but... I don't want to run away.

I guess I'm a real mess right now. I like living my life for a dream. I rejoice in the fact that if need be I would give my life up to save someone close to me. But all of a sudden it seems like I won't or I can't. I don't know. I know if it comes down to the crunch I'd do it without thinking but somehow right now I can't quite seem to convince myself that. I can't tell myself that in the end you've got people you care about more than anything in the world. I have my family and I have my friends. And I would give anything to see them happy. And yet now I wonder if that's a worthwhile cause. To be totally honest, there's only one person I'd protect with everything that I am. And that is Adam. I love him to bits and whoever harms him better hope to God that I don't find out. I mean... it's Adam. I won't forgive anyone who deliberately hurts him.

I know I'm not making very much sense right now and I also know that half the junk I'm typing is overly dramatic. I'm entitled to it every once in a while I think. Besides, everyone that knows me knows that I express myself a lot better in writing. It's a lot of innuendo I think. I suppose the only reason why I'm like that only when I write is because part of me doesn't want the world to see this side of me. The vulnerable side. The side that's a lot harder to understand.

Sometimes I don't know why I care so much or why I even bother trying. Because in the end, it doesn't do anyone any good. In a weird way it makes things a lot worse. I've been fighting all these tears back to the point that I don't even know why I cry any more. I keep telling people not to bottle themselves up and yet I land up doing just that. I guess... I don't let just anybody see me break. It's not a sign of me being weak. It's just me out there in the open like a lame duck in hunting season.

On a very much happier note, MICHAEL'S COMING BACK!!! :) He's going to be Jinx's housemate!! w00t!!!

Why are you putting me through all this? Is it fun to you? I guess it probably is isn't it? Well.. it's not to me. It's already the 9th. I don't have a lot of time left and quite frankly, if I have it my way, I'll have even less time. So really, it would be peachy if you could just stop mucking around. For both our sakes.

*the yucky feeling inside me has taken over*

Take The quiz yourself

My stomach doesn't feel shitty. The rest of me does.

I should remind myself never to send messages when I'm out clubbing. None of them make sense at all. Let's face it, I shouldn't touch the damned phone at all! So ya lar... Sorry lar... HAhahahaha! I'm a little here and there now. My legs are about to collapse on me. They didn't hurt this much yesterday... But my God... It was soo much fun. Apart from the fact that I'm now broke... But all the same, I'll still be at Hed Kandi night this friday! w00t!!

But really. I don't think I'm in any condition to go anywhere today. I may as well have shot myself :P

More later. Too disoriented. Need food.

Must everything be so dark and depressing? Must people be so melodramatic? I suppose once upon a time I was like that too. I grew out of it I supposed. I can still be little miss emo now and then but I've lost patience with it.

Let's face it. I'm not you're average 20-year old. I see things differently from almost everybody I know. I get paranoid and I back off too easily. It's not a bad thing. It's a precaution that's kept me going for quite a while now. I'm happy being the way I am. I'm happy in my depression and my sadness. How many people can say that? It sounds like I'm confused as to what exactly I am. I assure you I'm not. It's not my fault that you don't understand what it's like to live in my world. It's no fucking walk in the park. No amount of rose tinted sunglasses are going to help you either.

I feel sorry for the confused people who really don't know what they want. They stumble through life walking blindly, bumping into inanimate things while slowly but surely, their very being fades away. And who's to say what's going to stop that from happening. In the next few years it just keeps adding up until they either drive themselves up the wall or something shocks them into realising that no one's going to save them. No one can save them. They have to figure that out on their own don't they? That's what makes it all so interesting. That's what makes it all too funny don't you think?

It used to be fun to watch things crumble. But now... knowing fully well that they are, am I supposed to just sit by and watch? Can I just wait till they destroy themselves? What kind of a person would I be then. Half the world thinks I'm evil and the rest of them think it's just a mask. Let's put it this way, I wear no mask. You get what you see. I'm not about to step in a shake people till they see what's going on. It's not my fault that they want to live a lie. It's got nothing to do with me. Don't you see? You create your own mess. There's always a way out. It's just a matter of finding it. Some of us just have it harder than the rest. But where's the fun in life if every thing's just spoon fed? It takes away the challenge. What's going to happen to you when you've exhausted all your resources and there's no one to leech onto?

So, what do you want to do now? Live the lie or live the dream? I read somewhere a long time ago that the dream is the reality. You can make your dreams a reality and reality your dream. So are you feeling lucky yet? Or is the self doubt still tearing away pieces of yourself? I'm not saying you shouldn't let it. Sometimes there are things about people that are better left unsaid. And at others, they ought to be screamed. But that's why I've got my music right? I don't really give a fuck if people think it sounds trashy or all ballady. In my opinion, none of them are like that. They just mirror different parts of my at different times. And if those I call friends seem to think that they're stupid or even try to use them against me in any way, then they really aren't my friends are they?

I'm not perfect. I never want to be perfect. I just want to be me. And I already am. So what's it to the rest of you? If you don't like it, you don't have to talk to me. You don't have to shout at me. Hell, I think we'd all be better off if you could just forget me. It's not in my nature to forget people. I never forget the things people do to me or say to me. More often than not, I used to remember all the bad stuff. The things that hurt. And the things that drove me to the edge. But now it's a little different. I remember the good times. I remember the smiles and the tranquility. I remember the amount of rest and peace I had.

By the way, I'm through looking for peace. I have no interest in looking for things that are short lived. You could say I've had enough of searching. For now at least. I think it's in my best interest to let things come to me from now on instead of going to them. It always works out better that way.

And for the record, I'm happy. I've not been this happy in a long time. And I'm going to stay this way for as long as I can.

* . . About You . . *
Eye Color:: Dark Brown
Hair Color:: Black
Height:: 1.7
Favorite Color:: Red, Black
Screen Name:: Evil Twin Syndrome and The Corporate Dark Angel - The Case of the Missing
Favorite Band:: Massive Attack, music by Shiro Sagisu, Electrico, Foo Fighters, Lifehouse, Dream Theatre... You get my drift
Favorite Movie:: It's between Memoirs of a Geisha, Underworld: Evolution, The Devil's Advocate and Cruel Intentions
Favorite Show:: The Nanny, House, CSI and loads of cartoons
Your Car:: If I had any car I wanted, it'd be the Aston Martin Vanquish. Or a Mazda Red Honda Integra Type R
Your Hometown:: Singapore
Your Present Town:: a black hole
Your Crush's First Name:: I don't have one
Your Grade:: 1/2 year Undergrad
Your Style:: Undeniably me

* . . Have You Ever . . *
Sat on your rooftop?: Yes, at Paragon. Before they started building things on it.
Kissed someone in the rain?: Yes.
Danced in a public place?: Yes.
Smiled for no reason?: Yes.
Laughed so hard you cried?: Yes.
Peed your pants after age 8?: No.
Written a song?: Substantially.
Sang to someone for no reason?: I used to.
Performed on a stage?: Yes.
Talked to someone you don't know?: Yes.
Gone out of your way to befriend someone?: Never.
Made out in a theatre?: Yes.
Gone roller skating since 8th grade?: Roller blading. But that was 3 or 4 years ago.
Been in love?: Yes.

* . . Who was the last person to . . *
Say HI to you?: Alex
Tell you, I love you?: Let's not even go there.
Kiss you?: Rick
Hug you?: Jon
Tell you bye?: Jada
Write you a note?: Peter
Take your photo?: Either Michelle, Andrea or Cheely. I forget.
Call your cell phone?: Rick
Buy you something?: A total stranger.
Go with you to the movies?: Melvyn
Sing to you?: I don't remember. I think it was Rick.
Write a poem about you?: I can't remember
Text message you?: Kenny
Touch you?: Jada

* . . What's the last . . *
Time you laughed?: Today. Alex said something.
Time you cried?: This morning. Smoke got in my eye.
Movie you watched?: I don't remember
Joke you told?: I don't remember.
Song you've sang?: Life
Time you've looked at the clock? That question made me look
Drink you've had?: Water.
Number you've dialed?: Kenny
Book you've read?: I, Lucifer by Glenn Duncan
Food you've eaten?: Yoshinoya, brunch
Flavor of gum chewed?: Spearmint
Shoes you've worn?: Red flip flops.
Store you've been in?: Crumpler
Thing you've said?: bye.

* . . Can You . . *
Write with both hands?: no
Whistle?: i don't think so
Blow a bubble?: Yes
Roll your tounge in a circle?: Yes.
Cross your eyes?: No
Touch your tounge to your nose?: No
Dance?: I'd say no but Jada'll hit me
Gleek?: No
Stay up a whole night without sleep?: Too many times
Speak a different language?: Chinese and a little bit of Malay, Japanese, Spanish, Swedish and German
Impersonate someone?: To make fun of them, bimbos and ah lians.
Prank call people?: Yes.
Make a card pyramid?: I would I?
Cook anything?: What do you think I eat in Melbourne?

* . . Finish The Line . . *
If i were a ...: little less insecure
I wish ...: for too many things
So many people don't know that ...: I won't do anything unless provoked
I am ...: all the I am.
My heart is ...: racing.

You know, as much as I thought your theory was kind of off, ok fine very off, it's beginning to prove itself. And quite frankly, it's amusing. Intriguing even. I'm finding myself very fascinated with it all. You're an angel. Really.

ANYWAYS



So I was in town today with Jada to get her PowerBook, Lotus, checked out my the mac pro himself, Peter. After spending a couple of entertaining hours at the 21 shop, we finally went to get food and her Crumpler lap top case. But here's the annoying part of the whole day. The train stalled inbetween stations like 3 times. Annoying right. And we're both carrying our PowerBooks.

When I finally got off the train, I decided to fuck it and just take a bloody cab. I did. And the cabbie insisted that I didn't need to pay too. Cool eh?

I know... This sounds really pointless but whatever. Ahahaha!

It's still something to me considering I'm not going to get all this when I go back to Melbourne. I'll miss my weekly meet ups with the girls, I'll miss talking non stop with everyone. I'll miss my room. I'll even miss having to sneak about and smoke. And so many more things. And yet, I'm in between wanting to just go back and wanting to stay here. I know what you're all thinking. It's MeL. The girl that likes being in between. The girl that hates being labelled and loves being ambiguous but hates people being ambiguous to her.

I'm a walking, talking contradiction. And frankly, I love it. I love talking in circles. For some reason I think confusing people is fun. I toy around, I bitch, I laugh, I cry but after everything that happens, I realise I had shit loads of fun and there are some things about me that I wouldn't give up for anything in the world.

Did it occur to you that I don't need to be saved? Did you not realise that I can take care of my own problems? Did you think that I can't handle things by myself? I appreciate the gesture. But sometimes, it just makes me wonder if you just plain look down on me. For crying out loud, I am not a child. How do you think I land up getting out of trouble? By some fluke? You aren't always there to help me out you know.

We're all alike on some level. We all think the same way. We just act it out differently. So until you can tell the difference if there even is one, don't come and act all know it all to me capeesh?

Now for a moment of randomness. Freedom of speech/action or even the free press are wonderful ideas. But let's just face it, freedom is over rated. There's the whole censorship thing to consider, the gate keeping and let's not forget the self censor ship.

As much as I do support free will and the ability to do what you want when you want, there are a lot of consequences to it. For example, I smoke and drink when I want. But there are consequences like what if my parents catch me smoking (again)? Not good right?

Why do you want to test limits? Since when did this freedom give people the power to provoke others? You blame people for doing shit when you're the one who prodded them into it in the first place. Doesn't really make any sense now does it?

Freedom is not absolute. Just because you want to do something doesn't mean someone else is going to follow through with it. Say you WANT to someone to go eat with you, what if the other person doesn't want to? Where did your 'right' to freedom go?

I rest my case. Overrated. Overrated. Overrated. Overrated. Overrated. Overrated. Overrated. Overrated. Overrated. That's all I have to say.

invasion of the shit heads

Has anyone ever told you that YOU'RE TOTALLY CLUELESS?! Honestly! How blunt do people have to be to get you to understand what's going on?! Am I the only person who gets the point here?

DO NOT say things you don't mean you stupid shit head! ARGH! They were right you know, people just kept asking me why I bother to make such a huge and elaborately planned effort when in the end it's all going to waste. And I intelligently decided not to listen.

Well, now I sit and wonder if I should have bothered in the first place. I'm not sure if I feel stupid for bothering or good about myself for sticking with it. But sometimes the thought of why I even bothered creeps into my mind. It makes me wonder if it was all worth it or not.

The next few days are going to be something else. Seriously. I don't know what to make of them just yet but hey. We shall see. We shall just have to see what happens. Because for some reason, I feel like I've dying from a massive hang over and the last drink I had was last night with tapioca boy.

Ah well.

Hoedingtons

Hoedingtons
Originally uploaded by enter_the_red_realm.

It's official. The world is about to end! The alcoholic refuses to drink! Hear all about it right here!!

Naah.. I'm not that mean... (or am I :P )

Seriously, 5 hours and many silly and some corny puns down the road, I was the only one sitting there drinking. :| Technically I'm not supposed to considering I'm still on meds but hey! You know what I want right now? A marineire. I crave seafood crepe. Man.......... How like that... how how how how how... I want I want I want. Maybe tomorrow with JADA! Or maybe when Judith comes down. Hmmm... Dunno le dunno le... Gawd, why am I so hyper?!

Rick says there's something wrong with my voice hehehe. Oh well. :P

right

Cue me feeling ridiculous again. Seriously, I have to be kidding myself huh. I'm still in between trying to decide whether this was a stupid idea or not. It sure as hell sounds like it I'll tell you that.

I'm in the midst of trying to convince myself that I can fix the mess and I can make things ok again. But here's the deal. What if THIS is what ok is supposed to be like. What if it was all wrong to begin with? Is it wrong of me to want to make things better in my favour? Is it selfish of me?

In that case you might as well say it's selfish of me to want the best for myself right?

I think I just went and confused myself. The pessimist that went optimist. Go figure.

News flash. I am freaking out. How many good things must a person do to receive the same in return? Or maybe I've got it all mixed up. I'm supposed to do things because they should be done. As opposed to doing things because they are of use to me right? Argh...

Jada buying PowerBook G4 from Peter like RIGHT NOW! w00t!! :D

Someone new. Someone to talk to. Someone I think I can trust. Someone who on some level... I think trusts me too. Someone who knows I'm afraid. Someone who's realistic. Someone who gives a damn. Someone who barely knows me.

But most importantly, someone who cares.

It's not that hard is it? To find this someone? It can't be impossible can it? I'm a different. I'm not the same. I'm changing all the time. I can't help it. It's only natural to me and I can't stop it. Why do anything else but embrace it? I have no choice right? Absorb it and make do. That is that.

No more tears. I refuse to let something as trivial as that affect me. After so much deception I can finally see the real truth as to what's going on. I'm not going to lie and say that everything's ok. It's not quite there. But it's one small step closer to it. But, there's still much to be done. I'm not through fighting. Not yet.

3 weeks left. How much can I do in just 20 days? It's not a lot of time. But... It's all I have. And after that, who knows. It's going to hurt like hell all over again. I don't want to be perfect. More like I know I don't need to be. Don't tell me I can't do it. Don't tell me you think it's not worth it because to me it is. It means more to me than anything in the world because for that one moment I felt completely invincible. A split second later it disappeared. But hey, I live. I'll carry on living. Fight with me all you like. If this is the way things are supposed to be then so be it. I'm not going to give up that easily. It's not something that I can do. And I don't think it's something that you want me to do. All this is only going to make me a stronger person. And I'll be damned if at the end of it all I don't make it.

I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect daughter.
I'm sorry I'm not a straight A student.
I'm sorry I'm not pretty.
I'm sorry that I'm insensitive.
I'm sorry that I get moody.
I'm sorry I'm human.
I'm sorry that I can't be perfect.
Nothing I seem to do is right.
I'm sorry you feel that you don't want to be at home because I am.
I'm sorry that I'm away from this place for a good part of the year.
I'm sorry I'm 'wasting' your money by going to study over seas.
I'm sorry that I like drinking.
I'm sorry I like smoking.
I'm beginning to feel SORRY that I was born.

But most of all, I'm sorry for having to say sorry when I did nothing wrong.

Rick's mom made me a gorgeous bracelet! It's sooo pretty... I love it. :) Perhaps these are the little things in life that keep me going eh? Small things that make me smile admist the dismal quality of day to day workings.

Anyways... apart from Velvet Revolver's Loving the Alien, this is stuck in my head.

Am I lying to myself
Have I let me down
The reality of it all blinds my eyes
I know you see right through me

I don't want to lie to you anymore
Too tiring, too painful
Is it pointless to even look at you?
Trying seems to be a waste of time

I don't smile anymore
Ever one's a lie
It drips in blood of all the wrongs
There's a fine line between truth and lies

Do you wait for me
Or is that something you say to all the girls
It's so cold where I am
My sun has gone away

Can you remember the things we did
Was it real or was it a dream
Oh, all the happy times ring in my head
A distant memory of old days

I don't smile anymore
Ever one's a lie
It drips in blood of all the wrongs
There's a fine line between truth and lies

I can't remember what you said
Echoes of others buzz in my head
The endless pounding makes me cry
That's what happens when I try to lie

You look at me the way I see myself
The mask I wear long broken and gone
It's like a mirror to my soul
You're eyes, I see myself in them

I don't smile anymore
Ever one's a lie
It drips in blood of all the wrongs
There's a fine line between truth and lies

How can you tell the truth from the lies
Even when I don't say a work you know what I'm feeling
I hate to miss the plane
But I still wanna stay and dance in the rain...

I don't smile anymore
Ever one's a lie
It drips in blood of all the wrongs
There's a fine line between truth and lies

- The Fine Line Between Truth and Lies, MeL

My thoughts are finally gathered. I understand what's going on. I guess you could say that I'm still a little unsure as to how it'll all turn out but there are somethings that I have to settle on my own right? There are some things that I need to do and it's not like I have a lot of time to do them. It's still unearthing to me. I'm totally out of my comfort zone. Strangely, that's a good thing.

Perhaps I like being a little muddled. Sometimes it's good to be a little unsure. Because then it's a matter of how things move on their own. Sometimes it's good to let things happen and at others it's better to stay in control. Honestly, I don't really want to be in control sometimes but this time I have to be. Technically, it's my fault isn't it?

I know it just got a little more confusing and little more troublesome but like I said earlier, there's only one thing left to do and that is to fix it. Then maybe I can go back to my carefree life. If only for a little while before I go back to Melbourne and deal with the mess that's waiting for me there.

My throat is half here and half there. I'm on the way to recovery. We all know what that means. But for the benefit of those who don't, this is going to be a tough time for me. I'll be looking and feeling worse than ever. I can't help it, I'll be coughing my blardy guts out, blowing my nose at any and nearly every opportunity. I woke up this morning sneezing to the point I was tearing.

Michelle seems to think that the sore throat has give me a husky-sexy voice. Urk... Let's just say I would be much happier without it eh?

Why do I leave a trail of mess everywhere I go?

Hello hello!! I'm blogging to you live from Jada's howse! I'm waiting for her to phinish drying her hair. Lar Dee Dar... We were sposed to go to Ministry of Sound but it's not like I'm feeling wonderful or in the mood to club for that matter. Anyways, guess what! I found money in my Roxy bag!! Hahahaha!! So that's where I kept the emergency cash... I totally forgot about it. I wonder where else I left cash... Hmmm...

Oh oh oh, I must put this up. It's on Jada's wall lar but now it shall be on MeL's blog! w00t!

"The greatest enemy of learning is fear.
This is true of art of every subject or area of study.
When one is afraid of being laughed at, of being embarrassed, of being looked down upon by others for one's mistakes, shortcomings or limitations, progress becomes difficult. The important thing is to be brave..."

- Daisaku Ikeda

I can't believe that I'm still in Singapore... I mean I didn't think that I would get sick of the place this quickly. Seeing that I missed home so badly when I was in Melbourne. But hey, I'm going back soon. Tentatively 24 days till I leave. Maybe earlier. Here's the catch, when I go back to Melbourne I'm probably going to miss home like crazy again! Talk about a vicious cycle eh?

So far, I'd say my stay here has been another eye opener. And I thought that Melbourne was an eye opener. It goes to show that there's no stopping that moment of amazement huh. But the cool thing about it is, I've learnt that my life is pretty good. I know what I want, I have what I want and that's enough. What more could I ask for right? I've got the coolest friends on the planet, a family that loves me to bits and so much more. Why do I still torment myself with the little things in life that come crashing into me? Call me a pessimist lar... All that's going to change. You'll see. Things are looking up. This is my fairy tale story.

The one time I listened. And still. What the hell is going on? Honestly, what the bloody hell is going on. Before I can even sort anything out it's gone and blown right out of proportion. Only one thing to do now. Fix it.

10th Feb Hed Kandi MoS

10th Feb Hed Kandi MoS
Originally uploaded by enter_the_red_realm.

I desperately want to go!! I want to go I want to go I want to go!!

I'm supposed to go club tonight. But Jada's right, I should stay home and rest. I don't think I'll be able to have that much fun in any case. I mean come on, I can't drink, I won't be able to dance. And all that smoke if going to make me feel very nauseous. As it is I'm already feeling like shit and all this isn't helping either. Let's face it my body's already gone numb from taking minor things like piriton and cirrus. Imagine what would happen if I went clubbing. The sad part is I dunno if I'll be well enough to go meet Jon before he goes back to Melbourne. Annoying right... It's quite sad lar...

Speaking of Melbourne, I want to go to Amber Lounge. Haha. And Lotus too. There're so many things that I want to do. Jada and I have synch'd our schedules to the best of our abilities and means. Next sem is going to be better. I know it'll be better. I'm not alone anymore. I know that I can't muck around. This time I have more than one reason to make sure I excel. I have a lot to prove to myself. I can do it. I know I can.

this whole renewed faith in myself is quite invigorating.

I know I said I didn't have much to say. That was partially wrong. I do have a lot to say. It's just that I don't quite know how to say it. I'm listening to many things that bring back so many memories. I feel like I'm reliving the past and I'm discovering many things about myself that I never knew existed.

For example, I never noticed how hard I pushed myself. Or how cold I tried to be. I mean... Come on, who lets themself lose out on things that undoubtedly benefit them? Who lets good things pass them by just because they don't think they're good enough?

We really are our own worst enemy.

I was looking in WahPah a little while back and I was reading the rantings of this teenaged girl and how she couldn't understand guys. I started smiling to myself all because I began to realise that I had the answer to the questions that had been stuck in my head. Questions with relation to what she wrote I mean. It'll be easier for you to understand if you just went ahead and read it. So here it is. Sometimes I think we're all in the same boat. We just don't notice it, and even if we do, we're afraid to admit it. People are strange and yet beautiful don't you think? It's a person's complexity that makes them more appealing. In my case, I'd say it's the honesty and how comfortable a guy is in his own skin and how he reacts to people. I've been through enough relationships where the guy is the one that starts being insecure or negative and stuff about everything before anything can even happen. How did they expect the relationship to work out when they just started worrying about things before they could even happen. And we're talking serious what if's here. Things that didn't happen in the end.

I'm at a junction in my life where I guess I don't really want a boyfriend. A relationship... Not quite. Exclusivity... Sort of. I'd just feel a lot better knowing that somewhere out there some one does care about me. After all, despite what people may think, I really am nice. And I do get hurt easily. Not to mention the fact that I care about people. It's not like I mean to come off the other way. It's just the way I am. I'm not some monster that's going to kill you on sight. Sometimes it does seem that way but unless I'm really angry then it's nothing. I'm just me. And I'm not out to get anyone.

There, I've finally gone and gotten one that better suits what's going on with me. Thanks for helping me pick it out Alex. And the music... Well... That was my doing. For the record, I've lost my voice. I can't speak. But let's fact it, even if I could, I don't have anything more to say.

I didn't do anything! It's not my fault! Don't you dare give me that look. I refuse to be blamed for something that I didn't do! Note the REFUSE. I've got enough on my hands now. Don't come asking me stuff that you know I don't the answers for.

Anyways, I'm going to go into blogskins and get me a blog. I found a really nice one that I really like. Now to see if I can get the damned colours to work out for me. The design is gorgeous. But no one will be able to read ANYTHING.

Wish me luck. My voice is disappearing on top of everything else. And the pressure of Melbourne is so close that I can taste it. Makes me feel like I should just pack everything and get on the next flight there.

Suddenly it doesn't seem like such a bad idea anymore.

I would like people to go see this. It's adorable.

Apart from Yachiru, this is what really caught my eye.

"I realised that you don't need me.
I'm not an important part of you life that you can't live without.
I'm just an accessory...
Something that makes you look and feel good but also something that you can easily live without..
I'm sorry if I can't be something else for you..
All I know is for me, you will never be just an accessory...
I may not be the sweetest, sexiest, and most beautiful girl..
You may find someone else better than me..
But there's one thing I'm sure of, you'll never find anyone who loves you
as much as I do because amidst all my imperfections lies a heart that beats only for you.."

So carries on my torment by irritated throat. So carries on my inability to hit higher notes. I can't sing my full octave anymore. Well I couldn't for quite a while. Just that this throat is making things even worse for me. But as we all know, it's not quite enough to stop me from writing my music and bursting peoples ear drums by means of Pandora. :)

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It's gonna be sooo much fun!! w00t!

Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home Jada's home!!!!
w00t!!

Man... not talking to that woman for a couple of days just feels weird. I'm so used to her waking me up or us meeting up and causing trouble hehe. Ok fine, we don't cause trouble but you know what I mean la. I missed having her around. Seriously. It's cool having a girl to talk to now and then. But then again, last night talking to Rick was great too. A real eye opener. It makes me very happy to be me.

So far, things are going great. Things are definitely working out for me at this point. I'm happy that they're happy and I'm happy that I'm happy etc etc.

Of all the threads of life to pull
The ordinary is not what it seems
A repelling jolt intrigues my fear
Entices me, call me near

Eyes open, the world is dark
Shut them again, and light creeps in
It's not about asking what or how or even why
Living it through a step at a time

I lost my wings flying high
I started to fall
The ground was hard and cold and dark
I got scared, I wanted to leave
Then came along someone as lost as me...
Someone to safe guard me tonight

Don't look so sad, it'll be ok
Somehow, someday, you'll make it through the pain
things don't work the way you want
But they'll turn our right in the end

Wipe the tears from your eyes
It's ok let it go
Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life
Love gives us a fairytale

If I reach for you hand
Will you take it?
If I open my eyes
Would you see right through me?
If tears start rolling down my face
Will you take me away
Make them fade

I lost my wings flying high
I started to fall
The ground was hard and cold and dark
I got scared, I wanted to leave
Then came along someone as lost as me...
Someone to safe guard me tonight

If I capture you heart
Will you stay and say you....

Wings, MeL

of lies, hate and love

You know what. This is so blardy typical of me but let's just go with it shall we? This is my answer to what my brother wrote.

You're right. We aren't kids anymore where the whole boy friend girl friend thing just is and doesn't come with as many responsibilities as it does now. Believe me, it a whole battle between all the tiny differences between you and the other person. Religion is one thing that is murderous to dabble into. Trust me, I have first hand experience there. You think my parents were happy at all? They didn't quite know what to make of it. And what about expectations like whether or not he can take care of you in the future and all that jazz. I used to make the argument that I don't want someone to have to provide everything for me. As aimless as my whole University experience is at the moment I still have that vague ambiguous goal that is to one day be self-sufficient and able to provide for myself everything I want. (Ok fine not everything but close enough.) Look at my mom and dad. They're happy right? And they didn't come from the richest families in the world. They built what they had from scratch. And think about it, way back when, cross racial marriages weren't as wide spread as they are now. On top of this, my dad wasn't born a Catholic. He was born a free thinker lar but you know what I mean. And then there's the mess that is the age gap. Which I ALSO happen to have first hand experience dealing with. YES, I dated someone who was WAY older than me. In fact, quite a few of you know about this so I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention names ok? That was a disaster waiting to happen. And then there was the double fling with 2 guys who're both a year my junior. One was nonsense and the other well... Let's just say there could've been something but somewhere along the way I let myself get swayed. I know that it's a bad habit and yes I'm trying to kick it but sometimes it pays off. Because if someone can just waltz in and make me think that I'm not good enough even though he's got absolutely nothing to do with the situation at all then what the hell does that say about me right? Well, this time I have to admit that it shook me very hard. But for the first time in my life I did something worthwhile. I did something to stop it. I let everything that affected me pass over. I let what was going on to be known to those I trust more than anything in this world or lifetime. And the wonderful thing about it was finding out that I wasn't alone. and I was better than that. I found out that in truth I wasn't weak at all.

For years I walked around thinking that relationships are a sign of weakness. It was brutal jealousy and cynicism for those that had what I did not. And now? I'll tell you what I learned. It is in NO WAY AT ALL a weakness. Having people that you care about isn't something that will cause your own downfall. Yes I do believe that on many levels, the person you care about the most will be the one person that hurts you the most. But only if you let them. Sometimes people say things without thinking of the consequences. I've obviously been very guilty of that.

Here's the punch line though. Who am I being unfair to? Not other people. Not the countless people who I could have had something with. Not the things that I ran away from. I was being unfair to myself. I never gave myself the shot at happiness. And now it's staring me straight in the eye. And this is what I have to say to everything that's happened. I DON'T want to be unfair. I don't want to tie people down. I wouldn't dream of it. (Think Azzam's lyrics "if you love someone set them free."

Let it be known that I am not afraid. I have so many people who are willing to stand by me now. Even though I thought that they would land up thinking she's gone and gotten herself into another mess all over again and we have to clean it up before she goes postal. It isn't true. I've blinded myself to what was the real bottom line. It wasn't a matter of me crumbling into pieces like the last few relationships I landed up in. All they ever wanted for me is to be happy. I never needed to scream or throw tantrums to get someone to pay attention to me. Sometimes it is the seriousness that is me that draws them to me itself. I know that I need help. I know that there is a lot about me that isn't perfect. And I don't need to be perfect in anybody's eyes. Because I am me. I am perfectly me and nobody can ever take that away from me.

I'll admit I'm scared shitless still. And yes, I still don't know quite what to do with myself. But if there's one thing I do know, it's that being with someone doesn't equate to hugging them or kissing them all the time. It's just a matter of having someone you trust to be there to hold your hand (physically or metaphorically) through the toughest of times. Someone who isn't going to think that you're some stupid idiot who's just messing around. I never want to be that kind of a person.

A long time ago, someone asked me when I was going to just grow up. I don't claim to be mature about everything. There's still a little girl in me that's just dying to get out there and have fun. But I will say this. I'm not the girl that you met 7 years ago. I'm not the girl that you met 5 years ago nor am I the girl that you met 6 months ago. I'm a lot different from what I used to be and I accept it. We all know how messed up and insanely delusional I was. I've learnt so many things from all the mistakes I've made. I've seen many thing, some of which I don't like and some that I did.

But the bottom line is, I grew up. And I had you guys, the people I call family, friends and companions to stand by me to catch me whenever I fell. I don't think it's ever in my to be suicidal again. I don't think it's possible anymore because it plain isn't me. And I am never running away from anything ever again. My life has been good even though I couldn't see it before. And it's been that way because of you.

You take away my pain. You give me hope. You give me the faith I never had in myself. I'm just sorry it took this long for me to realise it.

To my darling who's found his fairy tale. Words cannot express how happy I am for you. You really deserve this and I wish you all the best.

Ok moving on. Haha.. I'm SICK STILL!
THIS IS ANNOYING! Now I've got a fucking stuffy nose and a cough that came from the nose. And if this doesn't make sense to you, TOO BAD. I was looking at my slots of the next semester. And I realised something. I can actually squeeze all my classes into ONE day. Therefore giving me all the time in the world to work and study and do things that I need to do. Isn't that cool or what. Only down side is, it's gonna be like sem 3.1 mass comm on a wednesday. One full complete day. 8 - 6. except in this case it's just 10 - 5 la. Worst case scenario is I'll just have to run out of class at a certain hour makan as fast as I can and run back. THAT or pack food? OR eat a VERY heavy lunch. But in anycase, hardly any of my 2 hour lectures last 2 hours anyways.

The past 24 hours have been nerve wrecking. I still feel kinda stupid and stuff but I can't really help it I guess? Guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for givng me that confidence and for that extra push. It means a lot. Things aren't going to get any easier but somehow... I think everything's going to work out fine.

Oh another thing, you cynics? (Yes me included.) GO and read Rick's blog. If that isn't he sweetest thing I don't know what it. I swear I was going to start tearing. But then again I've always been such a sap eh?