I want to believe you.
I want to believe in us.
When everything is wrong
will you come through?
I want to believe you.
I want to believe you.
I want to believe in us.
When everything is wrong
will you come through?
will you come through?
will you come through?
When everything is wrong?
I want to believe you.
I want to believe in us.
When everything is wrong
will you come through?
I want to believe you.
I want to believe you.
When everything is wrong
will you come through?
Will you come through?
Will you come through?
Will you come through?
- I Want To Believe You, Lori Carson & Paul Haslinger

I have to find some way to keep awake for another 4 hours. I can't let myself get sleepy. And even if I can't stop that, I can't let myself fall asleep. I need to stay awake to get things done. The only problem with doing that is, it makes me think about things that I shouldn't think about, don't want to think about and shouldn't have to think about. I'm still young. I don't want to worry about what's going to happen to me 20 years down the road. Who wants to do that right? And in all honesty, who needs to do that right now?

I want to believe that when everything looks wrong things will be always be ok. I know I usually find a loop hole and jump out in just before everything blows up. But sometimes... I find that I like it when it happens. I deal better with a situation that way. Of course I'd feel completely disgusted but it's always easier to deal with something that warrants panic. It helps me focus on the real problem as opposed to when there's a problem but everyone's just carrying on about their lives as if nothing happened at all. I would rather thrash it all out. I believe this is what Kenny calls closure. But hey.

I know I've got what... 17 days left? It's barely over 2 weeks. And It's going to be hard all over again because this time... Well... This time it's going to be very very different. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it or not. If anything at least I've got the girls with me right? But... The idea of being so far away all over again saddens me. I don't quite know what I want to do with myself at this point. I know I deal with problems. It's what I do and I land up doing it very well but this is a problem that doesn't really have a cause. As in, I don't see a way out of this one. The only solution I can think of is temporary. The only solution is to not think about it but... I don't want to run away.

I guess I'm a real mess right now. I like living my life for a dream. I rejoice in the fact that if need be I would give my life up to save someone close to me. But all of a sudden it seems like I won't or I can't. I don't know. I know if it comes down to the crunch I'd do it without thinking but somehow right now I can't quite seem to convince myself that. I can't tell myself that in the end you've got people you care about more than anything in the world. I have my family and I have my friends. And I would give anything to see them happy. And yet now I wonder if that's a worthwhile cause. To be totally honest, there's only one person I'd protect with everything that I am. And that is Adam. I love him to bits and whoever harms him better hope to God that I don't find out. I mean... it's Adam. I won't forgive anyone who deliberately hurts him.

I know I'm not making very much sense right now and I also know that half the junk I'm typing is overly dramatic. I'm entitled to it every once in a while I think. Besides, everyone that knows me knows that I express myself a lot better in writing. It's a lot of innuendo I think. I suppose the only reason why I'm like that only when I write is because part of me doesn't want the world to see this side of me. The vulnerable side. The side that's a lot harder to understand.

Sometimes I don't know why I care so much or why I even bother trying. Because in the end, it doesn't do anyone any good. In a weird way it makes things a lot worse. I've been fighting all these tears back to the point that I don't even know why I cry any more. I keep telling people not to bottle themselves up and yet I land up doing just that. I guess... I don't let just anybody see me break. It's not a sign of me being weak. It's just me out there in the open like a lame duck in hunting season.

On a very much happier note, MICHAEL'S COMING BACK!!! :) He's going to be Jinx's housemate!! w00t!!!