of lies, hate and love

You know what. This is so blardy typical of me but let's just go with it shall we? This is my answer to what my brother wrote.

You're right. We aren't kids anymore where the whole boy friend girl friend thing just is and doesn't come with as many responsibilities as it does now. Believe me, it a whole battle between all the tiny differences between you and the other person. Religion is one thing that is murderous to dabble into. Trust me, I have first hand experience there. You think my parents were happy at all? They didn't quite know what to make of it. And what about expectations like whether or not he can take care of you in the future and all that jazz. I used to make the argument that I don't want someone to have to provide everything for me. As aimless as my whole University experience is at the moment I still have that vague ambiguous goal that is to one day be self-sufficient and able to provide for myself everything I want. (Ok fine not everything but close enough.) Look at my mom and dad. They're happy right? And they didn't come from the richest families in the world. They built what they had from scratch. And think about it, way back when, cross racial marriages weren't as wide spread as they are now. On top of this, my dad wasn't born a Catholic. He was born a free thinker lar but you know what I mean. And then there's the mess that is the age gap. Which I ALSO happen to have first hand experience dealing with. YES, I dated someone who was WAY older than me. In fact, quite a few of you know about this so I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention names ok? That was a disaster waiting to happen. And then there was the double fling with 2 guys who're both a year my junior. One was nonsense and the other well... Let's just say there could've been something but somewhere along the way I let myself get swayed. I know that it's a bad habit and yes I'm trying to kick it but sometimes it pays off. Because if someone can just waltz in and make me think that I'm not good enough even though he's got absolutely nothing to do with the situation at all then what the hell does that say about me right? Well, this time I have to admit that it shook me very hard. But for the first time in my life I did something worthwhile. I did something to stop it. I let everything that affected me pass over. I let what was going on to be known to those I trust more than anything in this world or lifetime. And the wonderful thing about it was finding out that I wasn't alone. and I was better than that. I found out that in truth I wasn't weak at all.

For years I walked around thinking that relationships are a sign of weakness. It was brutal jealousy and cynicism for those that had what I did not. And now? I'll tell you what I learned. It is in NO WAY AT ALL a weakness. Having people that you care about isn't something that will cause your own downfall. Yes I do believe that on many levels, the person you care about the most will be the one person that hurts you the most. But only if you let them. Sometimes people say things without thinking of the consequences. I've obviously been very guilty of that.

Here's the punch line though. Who am I being unfair to? Not other people. Not the countless people who I could have had something with. Not the things that I ran away from. I was being unfair to myself. I never gave myself the shot at happiness. And now it's staring me straight in the eye. And this is what I have to say to everything that's happened. I DON'T want to be unfair. I don't want to tie people down. I wouldn't dream of it. (Think Azzam's lyrics "if you love someone set them free."

Let it be known that I am not afraid. I have so many people who are willing to stand by me now. Even though I thought that they would land up thinking she's gone and gotten herself into another mess all over again and we have to clean it up before she goes postal. It isn't true. I've blinded myself to what was the real bottom line. It wasn't a matter of me crumbling into pieces like the last few relationships I landed up in. All they ever wanted for me is to be happy. I never needed to scream or throw tantrums to get someone to pay attention to me. Sometimes it is the seriousness that is me that draws them to me itself. I know that I need help. I know that there is a lot about me that isn't perfect. And I don't need to be perfect in anybody's eyes. Because I am me. I am perfectly me and nobody can ever take that away from me.

I'll admit I'm scared shitless still. And yes, I still don't know quite what to do with myself. But if there's one thing I do know, it's that being with someone doesn't equate to hugging them or kissing them all the time. It's just a matter of having someone you trust to be there to hold your hand (physically or metaphorically) through the toughest of times. Someone who isn't going to think that you're some stupid idiot who's just messing around. I never want to be that kind of a person.

A long time ago, someone asked me when I was going to just grow up. I don't claim to be mature about everything. There's still a little girl in me that's just dying to get out there and have fun. But I will say this. I'm not the girl that you met 7 years ago. I'm not the girl that you met 5 years ago nor am I the girl that you met 6 months ago. I'm a lot different from what I used to be and I accept it. We all know how messed up and insanely delusional I was. I've learnt so many things from all the mistakes I've made. I've seen many thing, some of which I don't like and some that I did.

But the bottom line is, I grew up. And I had you guys, the people I call family, friends and companions to stand by me to catch me whenever I fell. I don't think it's ever in my to be suicidal again. I don't think it's possible anymore because it plain isn't me. And I am never running away from anything ever again. My life has been good even though I couldn't see it before. And it's been that way because of you.

You take away my pain. You give me hope. You give me the faith I never had in myself. I'm just sorry it took this long for me to realise it.