What if things are so complicated that you can't handle it? What if you have a secret that could break binds of friendship. What if you know something that you just can't tell.

I found out one of the things that I've been in huge denial of. I could be wrong. But it does make sense. However far out it is.

I've never felt a greater need for answers.

iTunes started plaing this song that I've not listened to in quite awhile.

Smoke engulfs my room as I make wild yet futile attempts to stop smoking. It's getting easier I guess. Things these days are changing so much that you find it hard to keep up. I begin to wonder what my life would've been like way back in the renaissance. If I were nothing but a simple girl with little to worry about. Think about it.

After everything that's happened, I'm just not so keen on life in general. In a weird sense, I want to spend the rest of my days being with the people I love and not worrying. Just rejoicing in the splendour of God and Goddess. In a sacred land. Away from all the turmoil. Maybe one day I'll just do that.

Fabled angst Machine, Electrico

You were destined to have a Red Lightsaber.

Heh... And here you would've thought I'd land up with the purple one eh?

I'm tired. Really. I found my passport. Right where I left it. Just like I told everyone. And my mother was making noise too. Less than 5 minutes in my room and I managed to dig it out. And she says I can never find my stuff. At least I know where my super important stuff are... I wonder.... I wonder about Melbourne. I know that I totally want to go and I know that I have to now that I've already received my Confirmation of Enrolment. Tomorrow, I'll go get my VISA done then I've got to go for my medical. Monday, the bank draft for my accommodations will be done and faxed off. After the VISA is settled I will be able to book my flight ticket. And then it's ground zero people. Ground fucking zero!!! :)

I've barely a month and a half left. Quite scarey. I've only got 2 weeks of work left. Then, Jessica comes. And then Ryan and all come and then I leave. Ironic isn't it? I wonder how Anita is. Really. I mean I personally don't see the logic in arguing over something that really isn't anything. It's a misunderstanding for crying out loud.

I hung out with Jon today. Monday will be an interesting day as the lot of us, YES, the lot of us, go out. Decked out. In full. No holds barred. Which means I need to get my stuff together. Jon's coming over first though. Ahaha, it'll be fun!

And you, yes you, ugh!!! I don't know what you want!! I mean it's irritating but kinda cool in a sense. It's like what I told Jon today. It's like having a boyfriend who just won't leave you alone. In a weird way it's sweet but in another, it's quite annoying. But hey, I suppose you've gone back. But you'll see this either way. If I know you, you will ahahaha! And please, we're not stupid. We know.

WHY do you look at me with the irritating stfu look? WHY do you defend him? WHY is it ok for him to do thing and I can't? WHY DO YOU DEFEND HIM SO MUCH?! Everytyhing he does you bail him out. He can do no wrong. Don't get me wrong, I am probably the ONE person who totally trusts him. You're REALLY something, you're one of the first few people to jump to conclusions. And now that I'm trying to ask you why it's so alright for YOU to defend him so much and do no such thing for me and I get shut the fuck up looks like as if I just killed someone. You're CLASSIC.

I'm getting irritated with my dreams again. I now I dream but I can't never remember them. *sigh* Don't know what's wrong with me. Feel so jaded. I feel like I'm the girl who everyone looks at, befriends and decides to shoot at because she's there.

So let me be that invisible geek. I am going to stay home today and enjoy my time with my family. Considering I've not got much time left.

Piss Off

I find that everytime I lose my temper, someone else, whose situation has nothing to do with me or why I got pissed in the first place gets hhurt. It's like my karma is getting reflected onto the people I ove. I don't understand it. I don't understand it at all. I don't understand why people have to go and complicate things that could just as well be perfect. I don't understand why people who know that they have that shot at happiness don't just try to look beyond all the pain.

It was just like that conversation I had with Shawn the other day. We were talking about how everything in life is an experience. And in a strange way, everything does make us suffer. But why is it that people always seem to dwell on such pain when it's quite clear that they really should be more interested in the good things in life. No matter how small. Like that fact that there's at least one person out there who loves them for who they are and not for their status or money or how good they are in bed. Why people seem to put everything to sex is another thing that I don't quite understand. I don't see what the big deal is!

I do understand though that you can't focus on the happy things all the time. In fact, I think it's important to secure a long term happiness versus something that will make you smile for a moment but make you want to jump off a building for weeks after. But let's face it, considering it's ME we're talking about, I'll probably be feeling like doing just that ina few weeks or so. And then promptly decide that doing that is as good as damning my soul. If it's not damned already that is. But who cares eh? The world might be a better plce with one less angsty soon to be gone from teenagedom teenager who sucks the life out of everything. Literally.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a blackhole. Literally sucking the life out of everything. Pretty much useless except to destroy things to which my counterpart, whoever it is, gives life. And now all of you think I'm crazy and I've started babbling nonsense again. Ah well...

I'm tired of being bugged... I'm tired of feeling so tired. I'm tired of being stressed out by stupid little things that would normally have amused me more than anything. I'm sick of these annoying little games that people seem to love to play on me. I'm sick of gettin gasked so many times why I caqn't live in the now. So I'll say it again for the benefit of those who don't yet know my reasoning. The now leads to tomorrow. So if you fuck up the now, you fuck up the later. And what's the fucking point of being happy now when later you're going to be all pissed and angsty and suicidal and you know you can't blame anyone but yourself becase you fucking let it happen! And to the annoying fuck who is in perpetual denial and to his wonderful counterpart who seems to find it incredibly amusing to irritate me by telling me little details of their 'wonderful' lives, if only you 2 could see the amount of damage you're dealing each other. Go on and live in your little world of blind ignorance! Go right ahead. Because when the time comes that the truth is out, you're just going to be asking yourselves why the fuck you went through with it in the first place. At least I was honest to myself and to you. Save for a few minor details which really didn't have anything to do with you after all. Besides, what're you going to do but not believe? And what are you going to do but deny everything as you've always done? And then I get complained about because apparently the world hates your guts because of what I say which in a sense is ENTIRELY TRUE. Honestly, I have given the lot of you ample avenues to voice your opinions but you don't really give a flying fuck. So don't come bitching to me that it's MY fault that people don't like you. They don't because you're a fucking idiot! Wait... that's too leniant.... Ah well...

I swear these past couple of days I've been running around like a nuclear war head just waiting to blow up!! And trust me I've had an icredible amount of patience and the next idiot who comes along and even annoys me, is going to either get ignored if I'm in a better mood, or face whatever anger I have pent up inside.

And yes, I know. Chill

4:29:48 PM x@hotmail.com: now i'll be "inconsiderate". u tend to be a queen and not caring for other people's feelings urself, all these times i've been your friend, i may not be the bestest among u have, but my intentions are sincere despite my shortcomings, and i've had enuff, trying to swallow my anger so that i won't be stupid to start some "cold war" with you. but now i can't be bothered whether u angry or sad or wat.
4:29:48 PM x@hotmail.com: good ay
4:29:50 PM x@hotmail.com: day

And the she promptly logs off. So much for not starting cold wars. I'm happy you can't be bothered if I'm angry or sad. Because you never have. You only come running to me when you're bored and when you have no one else. Heck the first time I called you was to help you.

All hail MeL, the proclaimed QUEEN of bitches. Isn't that right? Or did you have something else in mind? Like fuckers? Or whores? Hmmm... Why not just come out and say it? Sometimes you really do have that uncanny ability to surprise me.

For your information, my life doesn't revolve around you.

If you want to think I hate you, go ahead. If you want to complain to your darling about me, I'm not about to stop you. Do whatever you want. You want to blog about how unreasonable I am? Be my guest. In fact, I'm daring you to. Go right ahead and see if it makes any kind of difference to me.

You pass judgement on me that I sit and do nothing but stare at the computer all day long. You make my life sound so trivial don't you. Of course, what I deal with every day is nothing compared to what you're going through so how could I possibly understand? And all this sprouted just because for once, I wanted to have a quiet day in my house to settle more University things. Or is that too trivial too?

If only I could find the words to explain my current state of mind. If only you could see the me behind this mask. If only for once people would just shut up and think of the possibility that things are not as they seem.

If only I could show you the world through my eyes. If only you could feel what I felt.

I am exhausted. Weird dreams again. My Godparents. One is in Perth and the other left this plane close to 17 years ago. I dreamt of sharks that wanted to kill me and dolphins. I dreamt of the graduation that I'll never be able to attend. But one thing that still blows my mind though, the number 18.

I realise I don't know anything. I don't know why I smoke or why I drink. I remember it all very clearly. Smoking with Mel. Smoking with Kenny. Then I stopped. I stopped for what... Half a year then Christmas and the cigars and how in my stoned state I landed up breking the cigarette with my nail. I suppose a part of me didn't want to. But I started again. I remember when. September 18th. It's so clear to me. You were supposed to come meet me. Then you met her. And I got so angry with myself and you. I got so angry for the false hope I instilled in myself that I walked over to 7-eleven and I bough a pack of Reds after what, 7 months? 6-7 months of not smoking at all. And from there I just didn't stop. Then you left. And in that I cuopldn't bring myself to stop smoking . I just couldn't stop. I never did since. I mean there'd be days where I refused to. There'd be days where I just didn't. But then I'd remember that horrible month that I lost my voice. Yes, I had a sore throat that lasted a month. And how you cared and nursed me back. It's not like I still feel the same way about you. In fact, I think we both think that it was a mistake. I'm pretty ashamed abuot the entire situation. How something that started so simply just crumbled. How you and yur lies and your denial literally changed me. It's not entirely your fault. Because I let it happen. I let you change me. I let you mould my mind. Parts of me have been trying very hard to block it all out. Because I never want to have to go through it again. That's why when you asked me why I couldn't live in the moment I said that I'd always have to think about what'sgonna happen when I wake up and how I'm supposed to deal with crying all over again. Because of how violated and shitty I'd feel for letting myself fall all over again. You have no idea how hard it was for me to say no in Paragon. You have no idea how much I hated myself after that. But now in a weird way I know that it was something that I should have done ages ago when I first found out aobut everything. But somehow I just went on in blind belief that you really cared. You and your stupid messages about how deep down I shouldn't be sad becasue you did love me. I'm sorry that I can't trust you. It's a good thing that we aren't tiogether. Even though you said if we were, my time in Melbourne would be my own and when I came home you'd be there for me like you were. Or like you tried to be, or maybe like how you wanted me to believe that you were.

But now, you're nothing but the whisper in my ear when I go to sleep. The whisper that reminded me of all the things that I swore I'd never do but did anyway. It made me stronger that way. To know that inside, I'd never have to worry about it anymore because deep down, there are a lot of things that I promised myself that I'd do/never do that I followed through. For example, how I'd never give my heart away that easily. Or how I'd never do drugs. I know Nas, yes, apparently weed isn't as bad as ciarettes are but I'm sorry, you haven't been in the position that I've been in. So you'd never understand why I am the way I am. I don't feel sorry for you. In fact, I'm quite happy that you don't live the strange life that I do. I'm happy that you and Saf are together despite the big and little problems that every couple go through. The same way with you and Rick Drey. I know sometimes it's like I have so little patience when I'm dealing. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be that way but I am. I'm not saying it's impossible for you to understand what I feel and what it's like for me. Because I think you can. It's just that I don't want you to. I love Rick as much as I love my own brother.

I wonder if I decided to get into Wicca because of this. I wonder if everything that I'd ever gone through is there to prepare me for this huge emptiness I feel inside. For this huge impending doom that I don't quite understand. Yes, a part of me doesn't want to believe it. But I feel it, I feel it in my bones. I feel that at this point I really have nothing to hide. And I don't really care if people want to believe me anymore. You hear me? I don't care if you want to believe what someone else says over what I do. I don't care. I mean seriously, I don't really beileve what a lot of people say and I hardly understand what it is I am. Which is why I don't really need or want to know anymore. I just am. I have have to well, be. It's not important anymore. Memories are just memories. Pain is just pain. Happiness is just happiness. It's all a state of mind. And in the event I meet someone who can possibly ease me back into that bliss than so be it.

Cia, I should've listened to you from the start. About a lot of things. About people in general. Jon, I love you man, I'm just so muddled that I need to understand and feel things for myself before I let myself go. Jud, I love you too. Believe me when I say I am now my own person more than I've ever been. Understand that the decision I make have very little to do with the things that people tell me. I do things because I am the way I am. If I don't trust myself, then I cannot trust anyone ior anything. Not even God. And I believe that this is what I'm supposed to do. So there.

Haly, quizzes are addictive.

Your Birthdate: December 6

A birthday on the 6th of the month adds a tone of responsibility, helpfulness, and understanding to your natural inclinations. Those born on the sixth are more apt to be open and honest with everyone, and more caring about family and friends, too. This is a number associated with responsibility and caring - this birthday lends a degree of concern for others.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

What a load of rubbish :S

It's Not Sex. It's ... : Rockin the Casbah

Get your own Sex Name

eehhh

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

hmmm... waht do you guys think?

"omg this is so funny!! thanks to you babe for sharing!

click here and look at the design reference of this blog.
you've got to scroll down. it's at the bottom right column.

and to save this particular blogger from lots of trouble, I've decided to not post this in the deg community. can you imagine the amount of stick she'll get? lol."
taken from some place on LiveJournal

Sheesh, what'd I do this time :S
Like I said, I really have no idea who's reading my blog or critiquing my design anymore. They aren't referring to that J-Rock skin that I used awhile back are they? Hmmm...

I was looking at all the songs that Shawn passed me really slowly. We've got quite similar taste :) Ahaha, save techno and trance at least... But one song just kept begging me to play it. The more I listen the more sad I get. I don't know why.

An excerpt.

"So if i love you a little more than I should

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me this pain I'm going through
Please forgive me if I need ya like I do
Please believe me every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you"

I don't know why I still feel so... Empty... It's been like this for quite awhile. Since... Before Sunday. About the time I fell sick. But soon after bits of me just melted away.

Some of you might remember my very distant memories with reference to this song. Who knows?

Randomness: Why do people blog and then choose to take it off? I know I've been asked to take stuff off before but I don't like it. Ah well...

There it is again. That feeling. That calling. It's almost like it wants me to take it. It's almost like I have to even though I don't really.

But that's all it is isn't it? Just a feeling. Just like everything else that I can't explain. Fear, Happiness. It's pulling.

That's right. Hate me. Let your hate propel you. Despise me, loathe me. Put me on that unreachable pedestal. In that one spot where you wish you could hurl bullets at. Make me that important to you that you have to put effort to just think of me. Go on. Make me more special that I am. Go ahead. See if I care. Because I'm giving you the time of day right now. Pity that I hold such a high position in your mind while you vent your anger. While in my mind, you're just the thing for me to laugh and blog about all because I don't hate you.

You're nothing but a distant memory blown in the wind that haunts my dreams. You're nothing more than the smoke that I exhale each time I exhale.
You're nothing more than the puke that I regurgitate each time I drink too much for my own good.

And yet you are a great part of this emptiness that has found it's place inside me. The emptiness that won't seen to go away no matter how much energy I have. No matter how much new found belief I have in myself. Not matter how balanced I am now, you just seem to nestle yourself deeper inside me. It's annoying. You're annoying. And yet, despite everything, I cannot bring myself to hate you. Despite all the pain that you have directly or indirectly hurled my way, all the little things that you do somehow cannot propel my hatred. Perhaps this is all part and parcel of being balanced. I become so jaded to everything that I shut my emotions in a box never to see the light again.

In all honesty, I hope I never have to set eyes upon you again. Although I know in a couple of weeks I will have to. I know that eventually I will want to again. All because you have somehow managed to infiltrate the fortress that is my mind. But you wait. Wait till I figure out how to block you out. You just fucking wait till I gain control. I hope I learn to wield my own strength. Because when that time comes, I will never let you in again.

But for now, while you still have this uncanny control over me, I will not fight myself. It is the last thing that I should do. I shall learn to cut the restraints that society and my conscious have put on myself. This is no threat. This is no warning either. This is my will. So mote it be.

How blasphemous of me. Karma comes to bite us all in the ass.

I'll be in paradise. I'll be doing the best thing I can.
But will I be able to come up with what I need to push forward.
Will I? I'm studying one of the toughest things around. And I'm going to need all the help I can get.

Today was better than the last I suppose. The empty feeling left me when I woke up around 12. Just as I lit up, my mom called to tell me she was going to get the bank draft done for University. We went to IDP too. It was a very calm day. I didn't feel any shifts either. But I was so concerned with getting this done. So concerned about getting my life back on track that I may just as well have missed it. I don't know.

Let's put it this way. The place that I'm living in will cost about A$7k. That's close to SGD$9k. And one semester's fees? My mom made the draft for about A$7k so yea. It's scary that way.

Oh, Jessica's coming at 7 am on the 8th and leaving at 1 am on the 21st. Ryan and all are coming back the next day and they'll be staying till after I leave. They're staying with us too. So come the 8th I loose all concept of space and privacy. Ah well. Oh, and also if all goes according to plan, I leave... around the 4th or 5th of July. I'll be going in to get my Visa done next week. Immediately after which, I'll be getting my X-Rays and my medical done. I'm praying very hard that there won't be any complications. Especially with the operations and all.

Safraz coming back on the... 27th? June? I think? God knows how he's survive on 300 for a month and a half is Nas wasn't there. Well, at least that way I can try get Rick to go with me to his place where I will track down my Serial Experiments and my Vision of Escaflowne. But in the mean time, I am quite happy watching Neon Genesis Evangelion. Of which I will be passing to Shawn when I figure out how to dub it with a mac. Aha, I will be seeing you before December then. I think. Who knows...

I'm still very confused and lost at this point. Please try to understand that I need space and I need to figure things out on my own at the point. I don't want to be bombarded with so many thoughts of what I should and should not do or about what I should and should not believe. The decision is mine. Not yours. At least try and respect that. So lay off unless I ask any of you ok?

I wish you'd stop lying. I wish you could just tell me these things to my face without me having to find out from so many different people. I wish I had never known sometimes. Sometimes I wish I had thrown the rings away. Believe me when I say the state of mind I'm in has nothing to do with you. It's something else. It's someone else. You're important to me but you aren't THAT important. I begin to wonder if all you are to me now is a distant memory. I'll see you in December.

You are Megu! Your quiet, mysterious and just a
little sexy. You enjoy being alone most of the
time. There seems to be a darkness around you.


What Super Dollfie are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

Plucked this one of your blog Shawn, it's still cached in google. :)

I wish things could be ok again. I really do.
But I know that things happen for a reason and somethings are not meant to be forced. I pray that you will be well. And I hope that one day it will be ok.

You are so damned irritating. You keep letting me in and then promptly shut me out. I don't understand you at all. And you keep saying that I'm difficult. Why is it that you always have to pull these kinds of stupid little stunts that annoy the living day lights out of me?

On top of this I am getting all kinds of weird URL's through which people are reading my blog. I mean the ones of Google are one thing. But who is Joel?! And who is this person from paraguay?? I am totally lost here... Just who is reading my blog?!

omg omg! I can't believe you didn't tell me!! I would've asked you to buy me stuff!! And now that I find out on such short notice how am I sposed to pass you cash and a uberly long list?? Well I am OBVIOUSLY not gonna ask you to bring cigarettes in so hey. Anyways, if you see any underground CDs or nice decks or comics that are reasonably priced let me know ok? OK! But really Saf, you should've told me earlier!!!

Drinks at Holland were mad!!! Hoegarden... Kamikaze... Champage... Johnny and Coke... Whisky Pop... Stella... Omg omg omg... What a headache! I was surprised I was alive the next morning with enough energy to drag myself out of the house to get to the beach! At which the rain was so undecided in a sense it wanted to rain but it didn't want to. Ahahaha! Dinner at the BBQ Steamboat place wasn't too bad. But it was traumatising. Stupid giant bugs.

Apart from all the fun and games, I know what I must do. So yea, just don't think that it's your fault or your responsibility. I've known for a long time that I've got to settle this myself.

And as Shawn and I attempted to sing in City Hall
"We walk a lonely road
The only one that we have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to us and we walk alone"

Ah well

the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin'
miserable. You constantly look over your
shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even
when you are alone. So naturally, you have
become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your
personality can be one demensional but
confusing. You are constantly bored with life
and wish that something could spice it up. You
have a unique view on life and have identified
the problems with school society (Ex...what
makes popular people, how the student mind
works...) You would rather be alone because you
hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one
understands you, not even your parents /
guardians / friends. But that is just the
opposite! The people who love you want to
help, but they don't know how because they have
a feeling that they will say something wrong
and turn you away. You have to let them know
that you are willing to hear what they have to
say...and it might do some good to listen to
them.

Some fields you might consider going
in when you are older...Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.


What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

eh.... but but I'm not really sad what... Brooding, jaded and irritable. Ok fine. Sometimes sad...

thank you my love. you have no idea how much you've helped. thank you. no words can express my gratitude at this point. all i can hope now is that you be safe.

IDIOT! IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT! You think I wouldn't have known? You think I wouldn't have found out?! Then you're a bigger idiot that I thought you were. You're not stupid, I'll admit that but you're an IDIOT none the less! You're not as smart as you think you are so stop trying to bluff people. So what if you know more? SO FUCKING WHAT?!

This is not the time for Mel to be losing her patience. If someone could tell me what their interpretation of the following combinations could mean, it's be greatly appreciated.

5 Cups, The Empress, 4 Cups, Page Swords

and

Queen Swords, 3 Swords, The Devil, Justice

I think that people aren't getting it. Some are and some aren't. Some are dealing with it and others are completely misunderstanding it. The flux I mean. I know I feel it especially because of my affinities. My doubts in a sense have deepened when I know that they should not. My mind is so muddled that I'm losing grip on what to believe. But the one thing that I must not lose grip on is me. And them.

Thank you. To the people who know that they've helped in more ways than one. For giving me little subtleties, It helps.

The Angel of Destiny! A religious Vasal of god.


What kind of Angel are you? .._..contains Anime pictures.._..
brought to you by Quizilla

How ironic that I am apparently the angel of destiny when in a weird sense, I don't know my own. And even weirder that I don't really need to know it anymore. I just like taking things one step at a time now. Ah well :)

Your wings are DRAGON wings. Massive and
covered in scales, they shimmer with strength
and magic. They are the most obvious display of
your power - though it runs equally throughout
your heart and mind. You are uncompromising and
grave, with a profound sense of justice. You
have firm ideas about what is right and what is
wrong and set out to fix what problems you can.
You realize that you are more capable of
dealing with life and evil than most, and as
such you see it as your responsibility to
protect those who cannot defend themselves. You
have existed since antiquity and as such you
are wise far beyond your years in this
lifetime. While you strive for fairness and
peace, if someone should steal from your cave
of treasure (though not all that glitters is
gold) or compromise the happiness of you or one
who is close to you - they have signed their
death warrant. You have a mighty vengeance and
will unleash it upon such people immediately
and mercilessly. Arguing with you is
useless...you rarely back down and are known
for holding firm in your beliefs. Sometimes you
feel intensely burdened with the troubles of
others...acting as a Guardian can get so
wearisome. But you never give up...you see it
as your life's mission. Often very introverted,
you can be so smart...it's scary. Such a
combination of intelligence, creativity, power,
beauty, and magic is often intimidating to
those around you - who are also unlikely to
understand you. Arrogant, proud, overserious,
and sometimes a bit greedy or obsessed with
whatever treasure you choose to pursue...you
have enchanted people for centuries, and will
continue to do so.

Image
Source:http://www.ai.mit.edu/people/pkamvyss/www/album/art/pictures/dragon.jpg


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

It's so early... I'm awake this early... All because I've got to go to work. I know it sucks having to work on a weekend. But hey, I've got next Sunday off. Vesak Day. w00t! I'm tired as hell though... NExt week... Mayhem @ Zouk is next week... I'll be too tired to go aha. Not like the parental units will let me in the first place. Quite sad

Sometimes telling people things isn't that good. Sometimes it opens you up and sometimes it shuts you off. If you know what I mean. It's a strange logic. Sometimes I don't feel like blogging at all because I ccan't really say what I want to. Notice how I hate ambiguity but everything I write is masked in it? God knows how all these people have gotten their hands on my blog url. I also wonder where these google links are coming from. Hmmm....

I begin to think that my randomness is a good thing. :) It's my way of dealing I suppose. My way of becoming balanced. My way of understanding things. I notice that there's a lot to what I'm doing. Even the brain gym thing that I used to do with Alina was something else. There are many faces to me. Don't worry though, I'm in full control of all of them.

Hmmmm... my brother likes Viceroys! Ahahahaha! All coz of the Viceroy's Jon passed him yesterday! Ahahaha! Oh well... What ever am I going to do with my carton then... I'm picking it up from Damien on Monday seeing as I won't be free today or tomorrow and I wasn't free yesterday. Ah well... And it's damned annoying that my mom kept my POSB card. For crying out loud, it is MY MONEY!! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! *breathe*

I feel so hyper and angsty. But yes, I have settled that I need to have time to sit and quieten my mind. Yes, I actually managed to sit still for 7 minutes!! More than that even! Be proud of me!! I felt a lot better. I can't seem to feel my energy as much though... Ah well...

I feel so random. So strangely stoned and hyper at once. I know that I still have millions of questions but I somehow don't feel the need to have all the answers anymore. I feel the need to be still though. I don't really want all the answers anymore. I'm quite content in taking things one tiny step at a time lest I implode. Get the feeling that it might actually happen if I'm not careful.

As usual, I have much more to write but no real patience to. Heh!

It's one thing to see things happening. It's a whole other thing to feel it.
It's one thing to hear about things. It's another to be there when it happens.

I'm not sure what's happening. I'm not sure what I felt or what I saw. I can't explain these things very well because I'm only beginning to understand it .It's like I'm almost at that point but not quite. I keep getting reminded of so many strange things.

I was talking to Dhan today. I am soo happy for you girl. See, things are going well for people after all. It just dawned upon me at that moment that I kept planning things. I plan so far into the future to the point that I don't know what will happen when suddenly something changes. I keep seeing things. I keep feeling things. Half of which are really there. But not quite. Things aren't very black and white. In fact, everything is so gray. I feel like what I want and what I think I need is just there. It's not far away. But it's barely out of reach. When I feel like I'm going to collapse it's so close but it's so far away that I don't know what more I can do.

Mental note, never prod things I know I shouldn't, no matter how tempting it is. I felt so close to figuring things out and then bam I got thrown back, everything sapped out of me. It was a shock. I didn't think that would have happened. I didn't think that I was like this. I didn't realise that when I don't think about it, I'm not hiding anything but the minute I try to open up, I automatically hide. Don't you ever get that? It's frustrating. One minute you're in control and before you know it, you're not.

It's too fast. I know it is. I know it's just the beginning and I know it's just the tip of the ice berg and that this is just the beginning of my problems. But... I can't help but embrace it all. Knowing that I've got things to fall back on. I know that even if I'm drained, I can still recharge in a sense. I know that. I know there's this huge abundance that I can just take from. I realise that sometimes I do things without even thinking. I know that sometimes I write things without really understand what they're saying. It's scary that way. It's a huge influence.

Jon, if you're reading this, this is what I think. You know how we were about storm? I think maybe I can. When I figure out how to handle it. I think I can. It's worrying in a sense but... calming. And the whole shooting the bottle thing? I think I can get there. I know I can get there. Amazing isn't it?

I wish I could be more clear. But this is as clearly as I'm willing to write it out. It's not for everyone to understand what I'm going through. What all of us are going through. It's not for everyone to know these things.

Whoa... energy in, energy out... my head is going to explode I tell you... Annoying I swear... Mel has to learn to control and block energy. Ah well...

By the way, this is the song that I was trying to transcribe all morning. Haha...

There's a door here, but it will not break
There's a stone there, but it won't remain
Up there a heaven now, but it will not wait
And the lies there, the scent of it, just too much

So should you,
Sow it once and make it grow, the sweet clematis
Let it flower, and paint it all of the colors bold
Instantly things fall and fade, return to silence
Why oh why, why does it all feel so sorrowful?
Dreams of what is real

There's a breath here, but it will not break
There's a face there, but it won't remain
Up there a heaven now, but it knows no name
And the stain is the color of red through red

And thus,
You cannot cry, confuse the lies, try to remember
When you rise, you take your steps with a strong desire
Time goes by, a breath it comes, like something given
Why oh why, why have these nightmares not long expired
The real is but a dream

From now on,
Should it grow and open full, the sweet clematis
Flower bold, but there's no need for rejoicing more
Precious life, this life, just once, it comes just one time
Keep it close, keep it from ever just leaving you

Crying tears confusing fears they are no longer
When I stand I know I'll never be down again
Nothing that I need now, once it comes just one time
Somehow, somehow, someone, ah

Entry Number One

Kuki, Shiina Ringo

I'm just so damned frustrated with everything that's happening. It's like I keep trying and trying and nothing is happening. Maybe I really should just go. Leave. 10 years later who knows, I may have made enough to support myself in Ireland. Maybe 10 years down the road I'll be dead. I'm sick and tired of always having to worry about everyone else. I'm just gonna worry about ME now. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I keep letting the entire world get to me. They say they love me and they care but they don't. They spew all these lies of how they are concerned and shit when they don't give a flying fuck. All I'm here for is for you to use as your emotional punching bag right? Isn't that what I am? What makes me so different from you?

Do you notice that people always slowly disappear? Where is this person where is that person. I find that I like to quietly disappear and just get myself out of the entire situation or group. It must be nice to always have someone to fall back on. I wish I did.

Why do people like to make everything about them so disgustingly awful? Woe is me blah blah blah, have pity on me coz of this and that. God, the world is full of whiney shit heads! I'm not saying I'm not one of them but after a while even I stop. Where do the rest of these knuckle heads get their energy from? Perpetually going on about how I don't know this I don't know that, I never had the change for this never had the chance for that when it's right in their faces. Irritation.

Sometimes though, it's nice to have that feeling that in all the irritation and stupidity of it all, you only need something as simple as a shoulder to cry on. Or just someone to bitch with. It's easier for me that way I guess. All I need is my music. A good song, a right song can make me have hope in this bleak world again. That's life I guess. You keep looking and looking and looking until you find that perfect song. That one song that can help. Even if you know it's temporary, you've gotta sift through a whole bunch of genres before you find the one that you'll always love. I think Cia might know what I mean. :)

People keep waking me up... Or more specifically, Rick keeps waking me up......... at 9-something he'll call.... Only this morning I flung my phone into the heap of pillows on the floor. I'm not sure how they got there either but ya... But anyways, I was sooo tired last night that I conked out before 1. Amazing eh?

However I did wake up to other irritations. People telling me that I should do this or I should do that. Oh Mel maybe you should write with other people. Well, Mel would write with you if she liked your style? Or if she had reason to? Or if your characters appealed to her at all? Hmmm... Or perhaps you should write to my characters considering I already wrote my introduction and I refuse to write to myself just because you think I should.

I'm also getting irritated by people asking a hundred thousand and one questions about things that don't concern them. I'm getting irritated with going all out to do things for people and they don't even give a flying fuck.

I'm going to hang out with Jon today! Yay!! Ahaha...

On other things, Audrey keeps wanting to go out. She is sick. She should be drinking more water and staying home instead of wanting to go out every 5 seconds because in the long run she's not gonna recover fast! And another thing la, I think this party thing, I don't know if I want to do it together. But I love the locale of your condo Drey, I think you should throw your 21st there. I mean it's quite stupid for me to throw a going away party in conjunction with your 21st right? It's a huge clash and it's like a lime light competition. And honestly the more I sit and think about it the more it's turning out to be more important for you to celebrate your 21st. I shall worry about my going away thing alright? At most I won't throw a party at all. Just a small get together with separate groups of friends and see how it goes.

I'm gonna head out soon. Poor Audrey's sick so she can't meet up with Rick and myself. I'm not entirely sure exactly what we're gonna be doing but I just really need to get out of the ho use for a while. It's still got that scarey empty feeling. It worries me if anything. I know it's strangely early and I'm awake. I slept around 3? Haha... But yea, I've recovered. I've yet to speak to my mom.

Did you know, that Tiger lets me track her flight? How cool is that! :)

On another note, you can't be making noise about things on my blog unless you actually read it. Aww... that's so sweet!!! Because had others read it and told you, you wouldn't be asking me to take this and that off here and there now would you... Adorable. Really. But then again that was quite awhile back...

I'm still in an insanely good mood. I've not taken my medication yet thiough. For all I know this is going to be a permanent euphoria. w00t!

Ok. Again I'm sedated, bored but calm. Irritated at being bored. This is what happens to me when I'm stuck in doors for too long. Also this might be the possible side effects from not smoking or drinking. Well I can't drink because I don't want to mess around with the medication. And lately smoking has suddenly become strangely repulsive. I'm not sure why. It's probably the fact that my throat is still quite clogged isn't it. Ah well...

The most annoying thing about all this is, now that I am recovered, fine recovering, everyone else is falling ill! It's like a bloody curse! Even Tina's falling sick! And she's in the states! Not like I can hang out with her all things considering but really, is the entire globe suffering from influenza?! I'm this close to driving myself up the wall here! My mom's lucky, she recovered and she's on the plane to Brisbane. I should have gone with her like she asked eh? But even then, what am I going to do? She's going to Toowoomba for my second cousin, Russell's confirmation. And I'm guessing for the most part of the trip she won't be really shopping and stuff... In fact, she'll be painting ceramics again. Just like we did nearly 4 or 5 years ago when I was last there. Don't get me wrong, it's really fun. In fact, I might send her scans of my designs and see if she can paint them for me. Or better yet, I'll go buy clay and stuff and go mould and paint myself! Ahaha! See how bored I am yet?

I thought I'd go work on my Book of Shadows. But I've not got anything to write in it! So what to do what to do what to do... Even with the whole design thing I'm getting bored. I still say my site looks more like a postcard/name card then an actual site but yea... Jon likes it enough though... It's not like I want to sit and pack either. I can't... Not just yet. Not while I'm still coughing. If I do, my throat will only get worse!

I hate boredom!!! Come to think of it, I'll probably be to stoned to go out. On account I'm relatively broke. I feel like spending cash but the problem is I have no cash to spend!! Damnit! Damnit!! Damnit!! Sian ah... To think I could've gone and met Rick today... But either way I had stuff to do at home. Well not really stuff to do... But I was needed at home. And the fact that my University situation hasn't been settled yet is probably making me even more edgy. But then again, Luke only knew about his a couple of weeks before term started. But but Saf already got his spot in NUS! He's even gonna live in the dorms! Cool eh? I wonder what the dorms are like though... I can't remember if Christine is living in the dorms. I'm not sure if I know anyone who lives in the NUS dorms... Hmm.... Which reminds me, I don't even know if Tav is going to NUS... But in all honesty, I don't really want to go to NUS. Not that anyone asked that is. The whole Singaporean education system is so not my thing. Besides, with Melbourne, I'll have everything done in 3 years instead of the 4 it would have taken me if I stayed. Honors and all. If I make the class that is. I hope I do... I'll be quite screwed if I don't. I used that word a lot don't I... Screwed.... Haha! Gawd, I'm rambling!

I'm just sitting and waiting and waiting and waiting. Waiting for Rick to tell me if he wants to hang out tomorrow. Waiting for Audrey to reply to my msn message. Waiting for Tina to reply to my email. Waiting for Dhan to come online so I can tell her stuff haha. Waiting for Jon to come back. I think he went to watch Andrew Lloyd Webber or something. Waiting for Damien and my fags. Audrey's telling me to call Rick haha. She's like giving me a hundred and one things to do and even more scenarios. Only problem is I'm so bored that I can't take her seriously even though I know I should haha! Sry Drey, I feel like being idiotic today ahaha!

Hmm... my calendar is bare! For once! I'm amazed. Haha. Well it's more because I cancelled all my appointments coz I was sick. Ahaha! Drey's manager is an Asian version of the dude that played the Green Goblin ahaha! Ok fine, doesn't look like but reminds her of him. Damnit, I think my meds really make me high! Haha! Weird! Such an amusing feeling and there's no sick feeling after!!! All because I'm supposed to take them to get better! Only problem is I'm coughing like mad still... Ah well.....

You know, I've got to get rid of this annoying feeling. I swear, every time something remotely nice comes my way, somebody or something always seems to prance along and fuck it up. Yes, I blame the flu, I blame certain bitches and bastards and a whole bunch of other equally irritating things.

In case anyone was wondering where my sudden angst burst came from, I just popped my head into Xia Xue's blog. Amusing to say the least. I read the one about the dude who wrote in saying something about how she's fake because she wears make up and some shit. I laughed so hard! So what if she wears make up. The girl speaks the truth man, and obviously you so cannot handle it! I mean really, the world out there is fucking materialistic. You only land up making it far if you're
1. Pretty
2. Slim
3. Innocent looking.
Men seem to like women who can't think. Not all men though, some of my friends happen to be attached. :) But really, that's just it! Men love the ignorance in women. And we all know a wonderful example of that don't we. In all honesty, I'm glad what happened between my ex and me is completely over but I cannot help but ridicule the idea that he embraces ignorance and blatant stupidity. Yes darling, I am quite glad to be rid of you. In fact, you did me a really huge favour.

I know individuals who seem to think the world revolves around them! I call them up just to say hi, how you doing and just babble on about something completely unimportant or sometimes just to randomly see how they're doing. But I notice that all we ever seem to talk about these days are how you fucked so and so and how that other person was so hot! MY GOD! So what if fucking is a brilliant experience! Why do people revolve everything around it?! *sigh*

In a strange sense it's a good thing that my best friends are nothing like that eh? In actuality we land up bitching about the blatant stupidity of others and sometimes ourselves. Ok fine, not all of you but you still know what I mean don't you.

Also, I can't help but bitch about being randomly accused of things that you haven't done. People always seem to love accusing me of doing one thing or another. Every time something rotten happens because of something they inflicted on themselves, I always get dragged into the mess and all of a sudden it's like it's my fault to begin with! No, this has nothing to do with the previous post that starts off with "simply put". But seriously, is it just me or just the people at home? Are we all so irritable that the slightest thing drags the entire world into a bloody black hole? Why then do you live if you're going to blame everybody? Why make up excuses to your pathetic existence? Why not just die? Why not just shoot yourself? Why fucking not? I know why... So you give people like me entertainment. Heh. So what if I'm a bitch eh? Yea, I take pleasure in your demise blah blah blah boo hooo... Go cry in your dank little corner will you?

One thing that everyone knows I hate is a liar. I cannot stand it when people lie to me. But the sad thing is, the people who regard me as such a 'wonderful' friend are the ones that lie to me in the first place. They'll tell me they enjoy my company blah blah blah, they feel comfortable with me because I don't see the need to hide things etc etc etc and then they run off and tell the world what I tell them only to have it burst fucking open in their faces. How many times must I remind you nut cases, just because I'm nice to you one time doesn't mean I'm going to be nice to you for the rest of your lives! I'll cough in your face!

But if there's ONE thing I hate the most about people is when they try to use me as their scapegoat. Not so simple my friend. Because when the truth is out that I really didn't do anything... well you know what happens next don't you. That's just it. Don't expect me to sit and cover your ass. But don't expect me to get up and expose it either. Karma baby, karma. And it'll come right out and get you before I even need to lift a finger. Which is why I just leave all my pent up anger to blogging and randomly throwing things. Retail therapy and music helps too. And you want to know something really amusing? All the rubbish that happens in this world happens for a reason. So by all means, hear me roar about my own sad pathetic little life. Just try step in and mess it up even more. I dare ya. As much as I hate it, it's quite a bit of fun. In a strange way I really am sadistic and masochistic at the same time. It's not quite the opposite of each other as some claim. It's gratification in cruelty towards others AND yourself.

oh dear... what a bad person I've become. Pfft! Ah weird moods.

I've got that insane feeling still stuck in my gut. I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I just know that I don't want to be at home. If I'm here any longer I'll drown in my own tears. Don't ask me explain where the tears are coming from because I can't. They're just there. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe nothing's wrong. Maybe something's wrong. Things just suddenly feel WRONG. I don't want anything bad to happen anymore I don't know why I keep getting this stupid feeling that something really bad is gonna happen and then I won't be able to handle it. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I DON'T KNOW DAMN IT!

On one hand I want to stay home and around people I love as much as I possibly can. And on the other I wish I could just die because I really don't want to live this insanely annoying life any more. It's just becoming so unbearable. I really have nothing to say about it. Nothing good to say about it. I'm not saying that warm wonderful feeling of that epiphany has left. It hasn't. But this feeling of fear is so overwhelming. I don't know what's wrong. And I think even if I did, it wouldn't help one bit. Damnit.

What's wrong with me...

I was browsing about the net today. Still sick and therefore unable to go out. Not to mention that I'm saving cash for my fags.. But that's pretty much besides the point. I keep seeing Blatant ignorance? Knowledgeability? I don't know. Doesn't look like they know what they're talking about really. Makes me wonder if I should be labelled goth.

For crying out loud is goth just a dress code? It's not. It's a state of mind. It's a life style pretty much like Wiccan in a sense. I've seen some really strange ones and I sit and wonder how they made it work. Am I looking at things the wrong way? What part of it aren't I getting?

And what's up with people talking to you half way telling you not to say anything and then when you don't they make noise. Make up your minds for crying out loud. Yes, I am irritable. It's been too damned long since I had a stick in hand. It is not funny. My throat won't survive it but at this point I don't really give a flying fuck because I am fed up!!!!!!

People want to treat me like I'm a child that doesn't know anything one minute and the next they expect me to have complete understanding of the universe. I feel like my life is being dictated to me. Why don't the whole fucking lot of you go live my life for me eh? Turn me into some stupid little puppet who can't think for herself. Maybe then you'll shut up. Oh no wait... then you'll be pissed wouldn't you?! God, if you don't like the way I do things then just leave me the hell alone! Nobody is forcing you to hang out or speak to me... Irritants!

And one more thing. Just because I like black, Wiccan and all things gothic DOES NOT MAKE ME A SATANIST! I AM CATHOLIC DAMNIT! C-A-T-H-O-L-I-C! That means I believe in the triple aspect of Hashim. And YES I believe Wiccan. NO it doesn't contradict. Evidently you lot don't know anyone from Ireland. And evidently. I apparently don't have my freedom of religion now do I?!

Why is it that when I'm TRYING so hard to calm myself, I keep getting irritated. And the best part is, I'm beginning to think my house is like a blardy market! No one seems to be able to sit down and be quiet!

You scored as Spike. You scored as Spike. You feel like you're misunderstood. When you care for others, it's deeper than they'll ever know. Though no one thinks you'll change/pull through, you'll show them. Spike 79% Buffy Summers 71% Anya 67% Dawn Summers 54% Willow Rosenberg 46% Xander Harris 46% Tara Maclay 38% Rupert Giles 33% Which Buffy The Vampire Slayer Character Are You Most Like!? created with QuizFarm.com

eh Drey ah, not bad... Really sweet. knn, I also want!!! :@

I find that every time I get excited and inspired to do something good, ONE PERSON always has to come it and wreck everything for me and make me feel like I'm completely worthless. What makes you think that I've got all the time in the world. What makes you so special that you think you can come and make me feel like I am nothing. Do you get a kick out of it? Really? Do you?

Why is it that the whole world is so preoccupied in themselves that they expect me to do the same? Or worse yet, they expect me to be preoccupied in them?

"Bruise and battered by your words
dazed and shattered, now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you?"
- Almost Here, Delta Goodrem feat. Brian McFadden (isn't he the Westlife dude?!)

im litereally chowing down anything with a strong sweet flavour coz my stupid pills leave an annoying taste in my mouth. That bitter powdery digusting bleagh taste. Yes, THAT ONE. What a perfectly good waste of Vanilla Coke.

Anyways, I'm tired. Haha. I'm planning for 2 parties! w00t! One is Drey's birthday and the next well... yea.... I have to go... But you know, I don't think I'll throw a party. Don't really think I should do anything haha. I mean I'm gong to study right. Isn't that it? It's not like I'm never coming home. Of all things that ring in my head now I've got "oh why can't I be what you need, a new improved version of me... but I'm nothing so good no I'm nothing...." Ah well

Autumn's Monolgue runs in my head while Rage Against the Machine's Beautiful World plays. You're right Saf, it is a good song. I can't remember where I put Kum Susser Todd though.... Oooo!! PORTISHEAD! My obsession. :) Seriously, I wonder what kind of songs would go on the soundtrack of my life. This might be one of em. :)

Simply put.

You want my honesty? Deal with it.

I in no way threatened you. In fact I said I wouldn't say a word.

You should listen to yourself and think of whether you've taken in anything any of us has ever said to you.

Again, I never said it. But considering I'm not in that much proximity I couldn't possibly know anything right?

And in all honesty, that's as diplomatic as I get. And yea, maybe I shouldn't have called you a bitch.

But one more thing. Do this to me again and I will not be so forgiving as to leave only a fragment of the many things that I have already said to you. Next time, I won't be so forgiving as to hide your truths.

Something amusing. I didn't think of it before but Sal, yes Sal, looks quite like my brother. I was just glimpsing through friendster and randomly clicking and bam! Ah well... I should post a picture of my bro up just so that you can see the similarities eh? Ahaha...

I'm a lot calmer now. It's probably coz of the meds and sedatives. I still don't get why my doctor thinks I'm stressed. And you know, I think I just might be. A lot of things are happening at the same time.

Rick wanted to hang out, Jon called too... But too bad, I'm too drained to do anything... Too tired to go out... I want to go work on my book of shadows. Yes Jon, I am going to work on that and use the same book to keep notes on our project. :) I'm dead serious, we have to do it. I don't think anything good will come out of us not doing it. In fact, something bad just might. Ah well :P

You know, just looking at pictures brings back so much memories of anger. I don't rightly know why. The picture can be showing to completely happy people. Or a whole lot of them. But as I study each face, I see malice beneath the smile and stupidity underneath it all. Amusing, the kinds of pictures I have. Ok, ok. I'm going now...

*she's so high she's so high...*

Somebody please explain to me why I all of a sudden think Justin TImberlake's Cry Me A River is good? I think it's time to go listen to Portishead. My brain is clearly whacked.

You know what, YOU are the bitch. If you come clean, you're screwed. If you hide it and it gets out you're more screwed. But I swear, it's gonna come out. Not from me. But it will. I cannot believe you actually said all that. Do not expect me to sympathise with you anymore. And to think you had the cheek to go on talking to me about blogging earlier. I have nothing more to say. I'm still in shock that you can say something like that.

Take that for articulacy.

how you feel about yourself now (The Lovers)

You want love or a new love in your life and a new relationship is in the offering. Even if you are not thinking about love, you’re in for a surprise. If faced with a choice this is an important one and could affect the rest of your life.

what you most want at this moment (The Empress)

The cards suggest MeL, that at this time you desire comfort, security and happiness and may well need some emotional support and reassurance. (If you are considering having a baby the desire will be very strong at this time, or perhaps you are already pregnant and you have some concerns. If male, perhaps you are considering fatherhood with someone but have concerns.) Things will turn out fine, just know that you are loved and that there are people around you who care.

your fears (The Devil)

You are afraid that it's out of control, you simply cannot resist this passionate attraction. Despite the fact its addictive and unlikely to be right, you just can’t stop yourself. Whatever it is, a passion for someone who’s not good for you, money deals that are too good to be true or any other kind of temptation, try to resist, as it is unlikely to have a positive outcome. If you're feeling low in self-belief and self worth and doubt your abilities, don’t, have more confidence - its not too late to change direction.

what is going for you (Justice)

There is a karmic power to the Justice card, reward for the good deeds you have done in the past. This is a period of good luck even if you don’t know why you are being so favoured. You will approach any issues concerning relationships or business affairs with calm, balanced logic and any claim will go in your favour.

what is going against you (Death)

This is a time of anxiety, depression and fear with all the turmoil and distressing events happening in your life - it's time to show what you are made of. What has now come to an end leaves room for brand new beginnings in life, love and career. However radical events may be in your life, believe that life goes on and life is what you make of it.

outcome (The Hermit)

This is a time for you to be alone or may herald a time of loneliness. Take this time for quiet introspection and rest. Don’t worry you will find the answers, but the Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions. If you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.


A-M-fucking-USING to say the least :P

I don't want presents
I couldn't care less about cars
Don't you know I'm not perfect
Can't you see I don't need you to be

Step by step, I'm learning
Unlocking bolts, undoing knots
It'll take time but I know I'm trying
I'm trying coz you five me strength to

Maybe, just maybe
I want to glow with the light from the sun
Maybe, just maybe
I need to feel the currents of the underwater city
And when I'm done with that
Maybe, just maybe
I need you

I wake up cold, scared and empty
I don't know what to expect or say
Wouldn't it be nice to one day
Watch the stars collide

If you look hard enough
You just might find
A piece of you, a grain of sand
Something out there, reaching for you

Maybe, just maybe
I want to glow with the light from the sun
Maybe, just maybe
I need to feel the currents of the underwater city
And when I'm done with that
Maybe, just maybe
I need you

It's not too late to see the dream
It's only just begun
Crying isn't bad, it's not hard
It's an emotion of the heart

Sometimes I sit and wonder
Where'd i go wrong
I keep seeing happy faces
Is that too big a dream

Maybe, just maybe
I want to glow with the light from the sun
Maybe, just maybe
I need to feel the currents of the underwater city
And when I'm done with that
Maybe, just maybe
I need you

Maybe, Just Maybe

Stop messing with my head. Please. I hang out with one group and I get teased. I hang out with another and it happens all over again. It's hard enough for me to keep things together. Really guys, it's not funny anymore. (Shut up Geoff :P )

These days I find it harder and harder to keep my head together. I've got an abundance of energy around me. I'm about to embark on the biggest adventure of my life and suddenly I don't want to anymore. It's scary. It's worrying.

I'm sorry ok? I'm just feeling very irritable. I suppose I'm blaming the fever and the lack of sleep and the fact that I practically am losing 75 bucks by not working this weekend.

Audrey said something relatively amusing to me today.

Drey

PM 08:14
or give an hourly check call in to me

PM 08:15
not really, i think most guys would like to have a gf like u

PM 08:15
ain't it

PM 08:15
they find it convenient for both parties

Heh... Really... I doubt it really I do. In my opinion my imperfections outshine what little good I am. Unless you consider chronic insanity to be attractive. Then I'd probably think you're weird. But coming from me it probably doesn't really hold water now does it?

I mean, it makes it impossible for me to be even the slightest bit interested at this point. Because the minute anyone catches wind that I am, even a little, I can't sit at the same table with them coz they seem to find it so amusing that I actually have a softer side. I'd like to believe that I'm a nice person when I'm not feeling irritable. And I'm especially nice when I'm stoned or sedated from my medication. It calms me down I guess. Wow, I must really sound like a mental patient eh?

I don't know what's wrong with me this time. As far as I'm concerned I really don't want to land up in hospital. I dreamt that I had brain damage. That I nearly died. But that wasn't what scared me. I couldn't find my brother and I freaked out. I don't think I cried that much this whole year.

I guess it's dawning on me that he's gonna move out in like 3? 4 weeks? I guess it's gonna be a huge change. The house will be a lot more quiet. But I know I'm going to miss him very badly. I guess I know how he feels now... When I was in Melbourne I was constantly reminded of his asking a million and one times as to when I was coming back. I remember calling him when he was in Hong Kong over New Years and how happy I was just to hear his voice. I'm happy for him.

In a sense it's kinda like that with Rick and Drey. I dunno, call me paranoid, but I somehow don't think I'm as close to Rick as I was before? I know I can still talk to him if I need to. I know Luke and Kenny and Geoff will be there for me as much as they can. Sometimes I wonder why people can't be happy for each other. I know I had a nice conversation with Saf the other day. It was nice. One of our nicer ones. Although I can't quite remember what exactly we were talking about. I guess more about our lives and stuff. How he and Nas are. How I'm dealing with my own shit. The guys... Everything. I know he's not going to be especially happy with me putting this down on a public domain, but for what it's worth, I really do hope things are working out for him. I hope things get better for all of us really. We've been in existence for what... close to 20 in my case and more than that for the others? It's just so tiring and draining to wake up each morning having to fight. I don't understand why they still can do it because I can't. I'm too tired to fight. Sometimes I wish I could be as strong as you guys are. I wish you could see how lucky you are. But no, you're perpetually bitching about this and that and how things are so tough now. For crying out loud, I'm not spoilt. I don't know why you guys think I am. I don't know what makes you think that I get everything I want just like that when I don't. I fought long and hard to get to where I am not and I'm just so tired. And you guys... All you say is stuff about how I get everything and you don't and you don't see how much I wish I could have what you have. I'm not perfect. I'm sick and tired of being seen as perfect. I'm not damn it.

Of course I'm not saying that you are. I care about you guys. And i do love you no matter how irritated I get no matter how much I scream. You don't have to be perfect. I just want you to be happy. That's how it is with people I see myself dating. I don't need people to be perfect. I don't need them to be at my beck and call all the damned time. I love them because of their imperfections. because of all those little things. Like how I always wanted people to get me flowers on my birthday or Christmas instead of having to hunt high and low for something that they aren't sure that I'll like. Sometimes a hug is good enough. In fact, more often than not, it is. I'll always remember that Ben gave me blue and red roses. I don't forget these things. I won't forget the sweet little messages they left me on my laptop. Or the emails and notes that they scribble in my journal. These are the things that I cherish. These little things are what keeps breathing. What does it take for people to understand that I don't want anything from them. I don't need anything big from them. Why do they always think that I need them to buy me stuff. Why is it so impossible for people to fathom that Mel essentially could do without cash.

I'm actually going to try and stop smoking this time for real. It's hurting me too much. Even my brother sees it. He knows it's getting hard for me. He knows that I'm having a very hard time dealing with it. I think maybe now i understand why it makes you guys sad to see me like this. Maybe you see a different me from the one that I think I am. Maybe I'm not me at all.

cogito ergo sum

I do care. It's just that you don't see it.
Sometimes I sit and wonder if I'll ever be good enough

And aubrey was her name,
A not so very ordinary girl or name.
But who’s to blame?
For a love that wouldn’t bloom
For the hearts that never played in tune.
Like a lovely melody that everyone can sing,
Take away the words that rhyme it doesn’t mean a thing.

And aubrey was her name.
We triped the light and danced together to the moon,
But where was june.
No it never came around.
If it did it never made a sound,
Maybe I was absent or was listening to fast,
Catching all the words, but then the meaning going past,

But God I miss the girl,
And I’d go a thousand times around the world just to be
Closer to her than to me.

And aubrey was her name,
I never knew her, but I loved her just the same,
I loved her name.
Wish that I had found the way
And the reasons that would make her stay.
I have learned to lead a life apart from all the rest.
If I can’t have the one I want, I’ll do without the best.

But how I miss the girl
And I’d go a million times around the world just to say
She had been mine for a day

I don't rightly know why I had the sudden urge to paste the lyrics of a Bread song... All the same, I have lost all concept of time, everything seems overly annoying or overly bright. I'm litereally losing grip. I remember the last time I was this sick. But I was instantly made to feel better. But that was then and this is now. So what's the use in reminiscing?

Fever still up. Tiger is running. (Finally...)


I'm being irritated left right and centre. Well, at least I've got MC from work... Too drained to do anything at this point...

Irritation
Fatigue
Exuberant Joy (despite all rhetoric)
Wireless Internet
Windows and IRC Channels
Mild
Long
Missed
Misled
Facelessness
Emptiness Filled
Discourse
Strength
Energy
Too MUCH Energy
Love
Mild Hatred
Paranoia
Audacity (in every essence of the word)
Ambiguity
and finally
Blatant Stupidity

My week in not so many words

Apart from failing miserably at installing Tiger considering I went about doing it the wrong way... I'm archiving. Finally... I'm listening to Audrey's voice coming out from one of those videos... Particularly the one with Rick extremely high from Halloween. MY throat aches. I'm getting better but it's taking too long. I still haven't decided if i want to or CAN for that matter go to work tomorrow.

Damn you Geoff!! Damn you!!! Mark is nice. YOU ARE NOT!!! I love you, you evil shit head! Again for the multitudes who won't shut up, Geoff and I HAVE NEVER DATED! GET IT RIGHT!

Dave Matthews Band - Imagine
Nothing left. Imagine everyone and everything living. That's what I want to do essentially. Darling, it was mice to have been able to talk to you earlier as well. call me a dreamer. I can't say that I'm not completely hurt. And I can't say that things are completely ok. But you're closer to me now that you've ever been. I like being able to speak with you with out any pressue. It's just like old times before the chaos and the paranoia on both oursides set in.

I'd like it if one day I could sit and talk to you. And for once cry and let everything out. It's been so hard these past few days. You've no idea the kind of trouble I've been facing. Not to mention the total agony that comes with it.

Dave MAtthews Band - Space Between
Isn't there that one tiny space inbetween thigns where nobody and nothing can hurt you? Sometimes you just want to crawl into that corner and let everything out.

But that's not he point anymore. I found something that I think would be good for me. And good for the other person in question too. But I don't know what exactly you want. One minute you're saying this the next it's that. I don't know what to say. I dn't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. Really. What if one day someone came up to you and said I love you. Then what?

You'd be so lost because on a strange level you wouldn't know whow to retaliate would you? That's where I'll be. Somewhere between your heart and mind. I found someone who could take a huge load off my shoulders. And he did. I didn't have to worry about Jed anymore because I'd gotten past it it. It's notjust becasue of tis person that I met. But the sole idea that I found someone who I could respect and someone who would respect me just as much as I respected him. The only annoying thing abuot all of this isI really don't know how to proceed from here. Know what I mean? It's like I don't know what to do ro say. I've frozen up. Literally. I wish I could just telly ou. But it's scarey in that sense. Rejection isn't like by any one. But as the wise Jonathan Lee (Melbourne) told me moons ago, the men are just as afraid. Damn it's nice having someone working on the outside. You know what? So what if it doesn't work out. I'd love for it to. But I've been rejected before. What makes this any different. Go ahead and laugh at my lack of abiliy to find guys who like me enough to date. So what. At least I'm still me. I'd like to believe that I'm an acquired taste. Not everyone gets used to be that quickly eh? I mean in this crazy fucked up Mad World, who expects to find that one perfect person to call their own? I don't care if my ex finds it amusing thatI'm not dating a mix blood like I normally do. I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK. I care for you sure but you are nothing to me anymore. He is a million times better a person than you.

But my point isn't just to argue and defend people. Instead, it's to say that I really do like you. And I'm just as afraid because i don't know what to belive anymore. I'm just as scared. At least you get to stay with your family and friends. I'll be far away. And I'm going to miss everything and everyone. Especially you.

If anything, I don't trust myself. Coz I'm the most pessimistic fuck on earth. I trust Elohim. I'll write more later. When I can actually see and concentrate on what I'm writing.

After looking all the pictures. Even though I shuoudn't have made me remember everything we were and everything that I desperately wanted to call my own. Only to be so blind and ignorant. I mean sure... tell me half truths and telling the rest of teh world lies should make me feel better right? No.. It doesn't. I wish it did but it doesn't.

Hey hey hey...
I know I've been away from the computer as of late... I've been working and trying to get a lot of thigns settled before I Jessica comes and before I leave... My brother is gonna be moving out soon. In about 3 weeks I think... All the same, I'm sick. Again. Yes... High fever, the works. But I'm still ok. Apart form the shallow breathing and all. Perhaps I should stop smoking eh? Last night when I was I couldn't taste the cigarette at all and I was smoking menthol lights for crying out loud... Ahaha...

More importantly, Dan, I'm sorry I couldn't talk longer last night. Medicine was already kicking in. I fell asleep with everything still running. Woke up at 4 coz I couldn't breathe properly. Annoying feeling I tell you. And trust me, when you think plain old ICE WATER tastes like chemicals, you know something's wrong.

Anyways, to all the people that I disappeared on last night, I'm sorry! To all the people who've been trying to reach me, sorry!

The amazing thing about working for your parents is, no one in the office is mean or rude to you. The amazing thing about working for your parents is you'll never have to worry about anything. Not food, not fatigue, nothing.

The sad part about this is, I'm going to really miss it. Maybe Damien was right. Maybe being eager to grow up isn't as bad as I thought it would be but hey. You never know right? I just hpoe I know what I'm doing. And I hope that the shoot will actually get done on time. I really want to leave that behind.

I always thought it would be wonderful to be at a perfect balance. Until I realised that the single grain of sand can tip the scale throwing everything off.

This IS important to me damnit. You have no idea what you're talking about so please just shut the hell up. I know you mean well but think before you say things. I wish I could tell you how I felt. I wish you could feel what I feel. I want to show you this whole new life I've found. I want to show you how close I am to God now. But knowing you, you'll be too narrow minded to even try to listen.

"Your picture's on the wall.
You haven't called.
But I'll wait for you.
.......

Am I losing you?
Am I losing you?!
I've waited, I've waited til it's over
It's over now..."

Without You Here, Finch

I know what I need to know. I am at peace.

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous! You drink everyone under the table.

Who's Your Inner European?

Your Seduction Style: The Coquette

You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get. Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you. Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you compelte. And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

You Are 22 Years Old

22 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How scary are you?

ahahaha... weird... but but I'm nice aren't I? Ah well... I'll blog more later. Wanna eat and stuff first :)

YOU ARE FIRE!

Your inner element is one of great passion and
intensity. You are a dramatic person who loves
attention and knows how to get it. You tend to
have many
friends and admirers around you wherever you go.
You have a strong intellect, tend to have
strong opinions on issues close to your heart
and don't know the meaning of tact. You are
generally an active person who loves sports and
all things competitive... and you like to win!
Any career that will bring you the attention
you crave and uses your talents of persuasion
is ideal for you. Love tends to elude you
frequently - you can more easily find passion
or good friendship than true love. When you do
finally fall in love... you fall with all your
heart. However, when it comes to the passion
end of things, you are second to none.

Your greatest strengths are your courage to express
yourself no matter what and your incredible
charisma. You weaknesses are a tendency to
narcissism and the possibility of alienating
others with your forwardness. Balancing your
strengths and weaknesses is crucial for you to
achieve balance in your life.

Astrologically, Fire is associated with the signs
of Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. You are most
compatible for either love or friendship with
another Fire Elemental or with an Air. You are
least compatible with a Water Elemental.

Now that you have an idea of your strengths and
weaknesses, why don't you put them to the test?
If you follow my lead I can take you to a game
world where you can explore different sides of
yourself and taste real power....



Which of the 5 Prime Elements are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

It is true.

I have never been more happy. I have never felt such peace and tranquility. I thank you Elohim. I thank you. I am so grateful for having you to trust. I am grateful for the friends you have showered me with. I am happy for your undying trust that I will return to you. And I believe I have. In what I practice, in who I am, I exult you.

It started off simply enough. I woke up by handphone. Jon. I went and I spent the whole day with him. Met Cia and Ian in the evening as well. :) And surprise surprise who should spring up on me on msn but Safraz. Yes, it was good to see you too. I really do wish you were happy though. I know that one day, you will be. One day you will be at peace with yourself and your troubles as I am with mine. All you need is a little faith, trust and pixie dust. Hang in there.

All the same, I cannot begin to explain what joy I've found. My jaw is locked in a perpetual smile. And those who know me will be amazed to find that I've not cursed since... 4? 5? And yes, I've been smiling all the way. It was a good day. And I can't begin to imagine how the rest will turn out.

That's alright, it's ok.
It doesn't matter anyway
You'd give me the sun and moon if I bust asked
You'd freeze Heaven and Hell just to be free
It's not a crime, it's not bad at all
Living and dying for this crazy thing
Doesn't it matter? Does anyone know?
Nobody ever does coz love is on the way.

- MeL

i finished it. Just like that.

I've got that crazy messed up feeling
Is this who I really am?
Is this who I want to be?
I don't know, nobody ever does.

Why do you call just to heat my voice?
Wh do you say the things you do?
You miss my laugh, you miss my touch
do you even know me>? Nobody ever does.

I resort to sitting around
Ont he streets, in my room
Left to ponder all the things we said
Do I understand? Nobody ever does.

Your voice still rings in my ear
I think I see you when I don't
Your sweet cologne lingers on my things
Where you here? Nobody ever knows.

- MeL
it's incomplete. But somehow the line "love is one the way" screams in my head. Heh...

argh... I feel like hell just froze over. That's how messed up things are now... I mean... Well technically nothing bad really happened. Nothing happened at all. That's what made it so bad. Seriously. I hate it. I hate it when nothing fucking happens. I get tomorrow off. Kenny asked me to hang out. Drey asked me to hang out. Jon asked me to hang out. My mom asked me to hang out. Mel asked me to hang out. A whole fucking bunch of people asked me to hang out. This is fucking irritating. I mean it's nice to have a tonne of people who miss you and wanna hang out. Ok fine, Kenny wants me to help him with work but yea. But the issue here is, I... For once in my life I know what I want. I can see it. I can smell it. It IS what I damned well want. But... I hesitate and wonder if it's really what I want after all. I know it but I question it all the same. How shit is that?

I feel like I'm on the verge of a break down. I feel like I'm a God damned DHL package that keeps getting carted around all over the damned world, stuck in a stupid little box, trapped. And I can't see what's happening around me because I am blind to it. I don't know what to do at this point. Maybe I'm just messed up. Maybe I don't deserve to go to Uni. Maybe I deserve jack shit. Because since when was Psychology my thing? Maybe I should fucking switch majors. That would make you happy wouldn't it? You want to be so fucking special. God, I can't believe how much anger I've had for you that I pushed aside. And for God's sake, don't fucking try to guess who the fuck I'm bitching about in your minds because all you think I bitch about is Jed. Well it's fucking not. It's the last fucking person anyone would think I'd be bitching about. The biggest fucking hypocrite in the world. Mr./Ms. I think I'm the fucking best and everyone is just threading the path I fucking cleared. God, you're so irritating! What the fuck did you want me to do? That's just it isn't it? Go ahead ass hole. Steal what little I have left of me. The one time I think that something might be GOOD for a change, you have to come in and just throw water over my fire. That's it Jon, I know who the water is. And I AM looking the other way. Because I want so badly to believe that it wouldn't come to this. Well too fucking late. It has.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I am going to have the fucking TIME OF MY LIFE. With or without you. I am going to party my fucking guts out and you can't stop me. And I don't give a shit if you have more or less fun than I do. Because unlike you, I live by MY standards. Not by someone elses and not by wanting to be the fucking best in every possible way to the point of being so green eyed. The best in the BEST and the fucking WORST possible way.

And now I'm going to be quite, listen to Black Eyed Peas and then the Portishead CD that Damien burnt for me, ponder when I'm going to watch Itchi and when I'm going to watch Amityville Horror coz I still don't know who to drag with me. Any takers?

Btw, the next idiot who asks me who I'm so pissed with, FUCK OFF,

Slide away - and give it all you've got
My today - fell in from the top
I dream of you - and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Hold me down - all the world's asleep
I need you now - you've knocked me off my feet
I dream of you - we talk of growing old
But you said please don't !

Slide in baby - together we'll fly
I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
I'll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don't know what to do
Two of a kind
We'll find a way
To do what we've done

Let me be the one that shines with you
And we can slide away.

Slide away - and give it all you've got
My today - fell in from the top
I dream of you - and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Slide in baby - together we'll fly
I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
I'll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don't know what to do
Two of a kind
We'll find a way
To do what we've done

Slide Away, Oasis