I realise I don't know anything. I don't know why I smoke or why I drink. I remember it all very clearly. Smoking with Mel. Smoking with Kenny. Then I stopped. I stopped for what... Half a year then Christmas and the cigars and how in my stoned state I landed up breking the cigarette with my nail. I suppose a part of me didn't want to. But I started again. I remember when. September 18th. It's so clear to me. You were supposed to come meet me. Then you met her. And I got so angry with myself and you. I got so angry for the false hope I instilled in myself that I walked over to 7-eleven and I bough a pack of Reds after what, 7 months? 6-7 months of not smoking at all. And from there I just didn't stop. Then you left. And in that I cuopldn't bring myself to stop smoking . I just couldn't stop. I never did since. I mean there'd be days where I refused to. There'd be days where I just didn't. But then I'd remember that horrible month that I lost my voice. Yes, I had a sore throat that lasted a month. And how you cared and nursed me back. It's not like I still feel the same way about you. In fact, I think we both think that it was a mistake. I'm pretty ashamed abuot the entire situation. How something that started so simply just crumbled. How you and yur lies and your denial literally changed me. It's not entirely your fault. Because I let it happen. I let you change me. I let you mould my mind. Parts of me have been trying very hard to block it all out. Because I never want to have to go through it again. That's why when you asked me why I couldn't live in the moment I said that I'd always have to think about what'sgonna happen when I wake up and how I'm supposed to deal with crying all over again. Because of how violated and shitty I'd feel for letting myself fall all over again. You have no idea how hard it was for me to say no in Paragon. You have no idea how much I hated myself after that. But now in a weird way I know that it was something that I should have done ages ago when I first found out aobut everything. But somehow I just went on in blind belief that you really cared. You and your stupid messages about how deep down I shouldn't be sad becasue you did love me. I'm sorry that I can't trust you. It's a good thing that we aren't tiogether. Even though you said if we were, my time in Melbourne would be my own and when I came home you'd be there for me like you were. Or like you tried to be, or maybe like how you wanted me to believe that you were.

But now, you're nothing but the whisper in my ear when I go to sleep. The whisper that reminded me of all the things that I swore I'd never do but did anyway. It made me stronger that way. To know that inside, I'd never have to worry about it anymore because deep down, there are a lot of things that I promised myself that I'd do/never do that I followed through. For example, how I'd never give my heart away that easily. Or how I'd never do drugs. I know Nas, yes, apparently weed isn't as bad as ciarettes are but I'm sorry, you haven't been in the position that I've been in. So you'd never understand why I am the way I am. I don't feel sorry for you. In fact, I'm quite happy that you don't live the strange life that I do. I'm happy that you and Saf are together despite the big and little problems that every couple go through. The same way with you and Rick Drey. I know sometimes it's like I have so little patience when I'm dealing. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be that way but I am. I'm not saying it's impossible for you to understand what I feel and what it's like for me. Because I think you can. It's just that I don't want you to. I love Rick as much as I love my own brother.

I wonder if I decided to get into Wicca because of this. I wonder if everything that I'd ever gone through is there to prepare me for this huge emptiness I feel inside. For this huge impending doom that I don't quite understand. Yes, a part of me doesn't want to believe it. But I feel it, I feel it in my bones. I feel that at this point I really have nothing to hide. And I don't really care if people want to believe me anymore. You hear me? I don't care if you want to believe what someone else says over what I do. I don't care. I mean seriously, I don't really beileve what a lot of people say and I hardly understand what it is I am. Which is why I don't really need or want to know anymore. I just am. I have have to well, be. It's not important anymore. Memories are just memories. Pain is just pain. Happiness is just happiness. It's all a state of mind. And in the event I meet someone who can possibly ease me back into that bliss than so be it.

Cia, I should've listened to you from the start. About a lot of things. About people in general. Jon, I love you man, I'm just so muddled that I need to understand and feel things for myself before I let myself go. Jud, I love you too. Believe me when I say I am now my own person more than I've ever been. Understand that the decision I make have very little to do with the things that people tell me. I do things because I am the way I am. If I don't trust myself, then I cannot trust anyone ior anything. Not even God. And I believe that this is what I'm supposed to do. So there.