argh... I feel like hell just froze over. That's how messed up things are now... I mean... Well technically nothing bad really happened. Nothing happened at all. That's what made it so bad. Seriously. I hate it. I hate it when nothing fucking happens. I get tomorrow off. Kenny asked me to hang out. Drey asked me to hang out. Jon asked me to hang out. My mom asked me to hang out. Mel asked me to hang out. A whole fucking bunch of people asked me to hang out. This is fucking irritating. I mean it's nice to have a tonne of people who miss you and wanna hang out. Ok fine, Kenny wants me to help him with work but yea. But the issue here is, I... For once in my life I know what I want. I can see it. I can smell it. It IS what I damned well want. But... I hesitate and wonder if it's really what I want after all. I know it but I question it all the same. How shit is that?

I feel like I'm on the verge of a break down. I feel like I'm a God damned DHL package that keeps getting carted around all over the damned world, stuck in a stupid little box, trapped. And I can't see what's happening around me because I am blind to it. I don't know what to do at this point. Maybe I'm just messed up. Maybe I don't deserve to go to Uni. Maybe I deserve jack shit. Because since when was Psychology my thing? Maybe I should fucking switch majors. That would make you happy wouldn't it? You want to be so fucking special. God, I can't believe how much anger I've had for you that I pushed aside. And for God's sake, don't fucking try to guess who the fuck I'm bitching about in your minds because all you think I bitch about is Jed. Well it's fucking not. It's the last fucking person anyone would think I'd be bitching about. The biggest fucking hypocrite in the world. Mr./Ms. I think I'm the fucking best and everyone is just threading the path I fucking cleared. God, you're so irritating! What the fuck did you want me to do? That's just it isn't it? Go ahead ass hole. Steal what little I have left of me. The one time I think that something might be GOOD for a change, you have to come in and just throw water over my fire. That's it Jon, I know who the water is. And I AM looking the other way. Because I want so badly to believe that it wouldn't come to this. Well too fucking late. It has.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I am going to have the fucking TIME OF MY LIFE. With or without you. I am going to party my fucking guts out and you can't stop me. And I don't give a shit if you have more or less fun than I do. Because unlike you, I live by MY standards. Not by someone elses and not by wanting to be the fucking best in every possible way to the point of being so green eyed. The best in the BEST and the fucking WORST possible way.

And now I'm going to be quite, listen to Black Eyed Peas and then the Portishead CD that Damien burnt for me, ponder when I'm going to watch Itchi and when I'm going to watch Amityville Horror coz I still don't know who to drag with me. Any takers?

Btw, the next idiot who asks me who I'm so pissed with, FUCK OFF,