Stop messing with my head. Please. I hang out with one group and I get teased. I hang out with another and it happens all over again. It's hard enough for me to keep things together. Really guys, it's not funny anymore. (Shut up Geoff :P )

These days I find it harder and harder to keep my head together. I've got an abundance of energy around me. I'm about to embark on the biggest adventure of my life and suddenly I don't want to anymore. It's scary. It's worrying.

I'm sorry ok? I'm just feeling very irritable. I suppose I'm blaming the fever and the lack of sleep and the fact that I practically am losing 75 bucks by not working this weekend.

Audrey said something relatively amusing to me today.

Drey

PM 08:14
or give an hourly check call in to me

PM 08:15
not really, i think most guys would like to have a gf like u

PM 08:15
ain't it

PM 08:15
they find it convenient for both parties

Heh... Really... I doubt it really I do. In my opinion my imperfections outshine what little good I am. Unless you consider chronic insanity to be attractive. Then I'd probably think you're weird. But coming from me it probably doesn't really hold water now does it?

I mean, it makes it impossible for me to be even the slightest bit interested at this point. Because the minute anyone catches wind that I am, even a little, I can't sit at the same table with them coz they seem to find it so amusing that I actually have a softer side. I'd like to believe that I'm a nice person when I'm not feeling irritable. And I'm especially nice when I'm stoned or sedated from my medication. It calms me down I guess. Wow, I must really sound like a mental patient eh?

I don't know what's wrong with me this time. As far as I'm concerned I really don't want to land up in hospital. I dreamt that I had brain damage. That I nearly died. But that wasn't what scared me. I couldn't find my brother and I freaked out. I don't think I cried that much this whole year.

I guess it's dawning on me that he's gonna move out in like 3? 4 weeks? I guess it's gonna be a huge change. The house will be a lot more quiet. But I know I'm going to miss him very badly. I guess I know how he feels now... When I was in Melbourne I was constantly reminded of his asking a million and one times as to when I was coming back. I remember calling him when he was in Hong Kong over New Years and how happy I was just to hear his voice. I'm happy for him.

In a sense it's kinda like that with Rick and Drey. I dunno, call me paranoid, but I somehow don't think I'm as close to Rick as I was before? I know I can still talk to him if I need to. I know Luke and Kenny and Geoff will be there for me as much as they can. Sometimes I wonder why people can't be happy for each other. I know I had a nice conversation with Saf the other day. It was nice. One of our nicer ones. Although I can't quite remember what exactly we were talking about. I guess more about our lives and stuff. How he and Nas are. How I'm dealing with my own shit. The guys... Everything. I know he's not going to be especially happy with me putting this down on a public domain, but for what it's worth, I really do hope things are working out for him. I hope things get better for all of us really. We've been in existence for what... close to 20 in my case and more than that for the others? It's just so tiring and draining to wake up each morning having to fight. I don't understand why they still can do it because I can't. I'm too tired to fight. Sometimes I wish I could be as strong as you guys are. I wish you could see how lucky you are. But no, you're perpetually bitching about this and that and how things are so tough now. For crying out loud, I'm not spoilt. I don't know why you guys think I am. I don't know what makes you think that I get everything I want just like that when I don't. I fought long and hard to get to where I am not and I'm just so tired. And you guys... All you say is stuff about how I get everything and you don't and you don't see how much I wish I could have what you have. I'm not perfect. I'm sick and tired of being seen as perfect. I'm not damn it.

Of course I'm not saying that you are. I care about you guys. And i do love you no matter how irritated I get no matter how much I scream. You don't have to be perfect. I just want you to be happy. That's how it is with people I see myself dating. I don't need people to be perfect. I don't need them to be at my beck and call all the damned time. I love them because of their imperfections. because of all those little things. Like how I always wanted people to get me flowers on my birthday or Christmas instead of having to hunt high and low for something that they aren't sure that I'll like. Sometimes a hug is good enough. In fact, more often than not, it is. I'll always remember that Ben gave me blue and red roses. I don't forget these things. I won't forget the sweet little messages they left me on my laptop. Or the emails and notes that they scribble in my journal. These are the things that I cherish. These little things are what keeps breathing. What does it take for people to understand that I don't want anything from them. I don't need anything big from them. Why do they always think that I need them to buy me stuff. Why is it so impossible for people to fathom that Mel essentially could do without cash.

I'm actually going to try and stop smoking this time for real. It's hurting me too much. Even my brother sees it. He knows it's getting hard for me. He knows that I'm having a very hard time dealing with it. I think maybe now i understand why it makes you guys sad to see me like this. Maybe you see a different me from the one that I think I am. Maybe I'm not me at all.

cogito ergo sum

I do care. It's just that you don't see it.
Sometimes I sit and wonder if I'll ever be good enough