It's one thing to see things happening. It's a whole other thing to feel it.
It's one thing to hear about things. It's another to be there when it happens.

I'm not sure what's happening. I'm not sure what I felt or what I saw. I can't explain these things very well because I'm only beginning to understand it .It's like I'm almost at that point but not quite. I keep getting reminded of so many strange things.

I was talking to Dhan today. I am soo happy for you girl. See, things are going well for people after all. It just dawned upon me at that moment that I kept planning things. I plan so far into the future to the point that I don't know what will happen when suddenly something changes. I keep seeing things. I keep feeling things. Half of which are really there. But not quite. Things aren't very black and white. In fact, everything is so gray. I feel like what I want and what I think I need is just there. It's not far away. But it's barely out of reach. When I feel like I'm going to collapse it's so close but it's so far away that I don't know what more I can do.

Mental note, never prod things I know I shouldn't, no matter how tempting it is. I felt so close to figuring things out and then bam I got thrown back, everything sapped out of me. It was a shock. I didn't think that would have happened. I didn't think that I was like this. I didn't realise that when I don't think about it, I'm not hiding anything but the minute I try to open up, I automatically hide. Don't you ever get that? It's frustrating. One minute you're in control and before you know it, you're not.

It's too fast. I know it is. I know it's just the beginning and I know it's just the tip of the ice berg and that this is just the beginning of my problems. But... I can't help but embrace it all. Knowing that I've got things to fall back on. I know that even if I'm drained, I can still recharge in a sense. I know that. I know there's this huge abundance that I can just take from. I realise that sometimes I do things without even thinking. I know that sometimes I write things without really understand what they're saying. It's scary that way. It's a huge influence.

Jon, if you're reading this, this is what I think. You know how we were about storm? I think maybe I can. When I figure out how to handle it. I think I can. It's worrying in a sense but... calming. And the whole shooting the bottle thing? I think I can get there. I know I can get there. Amazing isn't it?

I wish I could be more clear. But this is as clearly as I'm willing to write it out. It's not for everyone to understand what I'm going through. What all of us are going through. It's not for everyone to know these things.