fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!! leave me alone!! My God!!! Is NO not clear enough? What does it take for you to get the damned picture? I AM NOT INTERESTED!!! OMG! Leave me alone!!!!!

*breathes*

ok, i just got back from work. Tired, pissed and going to make myself a nice strong drink. Bye bye

For the record, I don't hate work. But I don't love it either. And besides, I don't have to go in tomorrow haha! I've got to go into the office next week though... Back to Raffles Tanjog Pagar area AGAIN... *sigh* But hey, I'm getting paid. A LOT. So who cares! :P

I just blogged... I feel like bloggin MORE!!! I cannot stand it! I went out 4 days straight this week. Today was my only day of rest and what do I do? I clean my room, refilled my lighter (finally) but I still haven't cleaned the wick. My God... drinking this much if not good for anyone eh? But really... After a while, that comfortable high makes it all worth while... But I think it's already taking it's toll on me... And it's only been a few days hahahahahaha! All the same, I did a couple more readings. No, I'm not up to invoking Baphomet yet. No such energy la... And yes yes yes Jon, I know :P

Argh!! I can't stand it... I'm bored... And high... and bored... and the only thing to do is watch Sin City for the millionth time.... Even blasting Aerosmith into my ears, almost killing my ear drums, isn't doing anything for me... damn damn damn damn damn... It's fucking Friday night!!!!!! WHY WHY WHY!!! I'm bored. Hee~

I have a craving for Ramen. The really yummy one at the basement of Paragon? I can't remember what it's called now. Oh oh oh, I know what I'll do... I'll go read Hell Blazer! Bye bye peoples! I lurve you loads!

It's Saturday. We all know what that means. :)
Work la.... Hahaha... And I don't have work on Sunday! w00t! I have to ask my manager if Jon can come work... Especially since Jess is gonna come... so I've got to keep those days open. Not to mention that my mom is considering taking us to Bangkok :D I mean it's cool and all but I really don't wanna be away from home too long.

Mom's heading to Brisbane the week after next. Russell's confirmation. God, I miss them so much!! Sigh... The good life I live :P Daddy isn't feeling too well though... He's got his migraine's again... It's worrying... Really. My parents don't like telling me things coz I tend to worry so much... Mom's got this freelance meeting thing tomorrow too... I really hope it works out for her. I'm happy. I mean she's doing all this for me. ME! And yet here I am... Considering staying home...

"if you here something late at night, some kind of trouble, some kind of fight, Just don't ask me what it was, Just don't ask me what it was. JUST don't ask me what it was..."
- Suzanne Vega, My Name is Luca

See these kinda songs start playing when I'm in a good mood. Fine, I know it's not an overly happy song but yea... My playlists are all on random by the way...

For once, even though I've got a mixture of happiness and depression, I think I'm ok. I think I will be ok for a long time. If anyone asks, I'm ok.

My name is Mel. I live on the stairway between heaven and hell. And for once, I think I'm headed upwards. I led a good life. I cried over strange stupid things. But I've not cried in a while. Not a real good cry at least. And that's a good thing. Because well... when I start it's really hard to stop. But yes, I live on the stairway to heaven.
- randomness of MeL

For those of you who haven't heard of the Kidney Thieves or for some God forsaken reason don't listen to them, you should feel ashamed of yourselves!

naive little pieces of
what they tried to teach her
quiet and protected
slightly anorexic
(She Waits)
she's a time bomb, with her vibe on
she's gonna use it and surprise them
she's a time bomb, with her vibe on
they'll never know where she got her weapon.
they really don't believe her
she keeps it all a secret
found the Golden Muses
doesn't need to prove it
(She Waits)
she's a time bomb, with her vibe on
she's gonna use it and surprise them
she's a time bomb, with her vibe on
they'll never know where she got her weapon.
naive little pieces
she thought that they could see her
but soon the Desert Pigs will know
she's holding in an arsenal.
(She Waits)
she's a time bomb, with her vibe on
she's gonna use it and surprise them
she's a time bomb, with her vibe on
they'll never know where she got her weapon.
She Waits.

Kidney Thieves, Aresnal

oooo Jess is coming. :) I've not seen Jess since I was... 11? Nearly a decade ago.
What's more, she'll be staying with us. And I'll be hanging out with her for the time that she's here. Which means I have to clean my room. But either way I've got to pack away my stuff for when I leave. Yes, we're still on that...

Don't you just hate it when you volunteer to do things and they never get back to you? And in the end when they finally do, you'll get yelled at coz it was soo fuckin late? I find that very irritating. Really. I cannot believe how disgustingly idiotic these people can get.

I was talking to Dhan last night. Just babbling about how everythings been seeing as I haven't spoken to her in like... Forever! The msn windows kept flashing messages almost every split second as we chattered on and made fun of nearly everyone we talked about. That was fun. Really it was.

I vaguely remember dreaming of tarot decks and stuff. Jon, Cia, Judy were there... I know there were others. I just can't quite remember. I think Mr. Vampire was there as well. But all of them pointed in one direction... Btw, I can do the Stairway to Heaven spread with my Vertigo deck :D

YOU PHARKING HYPOCRITICAL KNN CCB!!!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU! THIS IS THE WORST THING YOU HAVE DONE YET!!!!!

*ahem*

Anyways, eh Drey, I'll let you know when we're all meeting up again ya? And please lar... Come this time k? And if you're not coming, just let me know. No, I am not angry with you :)

You know something? I think I was wrong. I don't know what to think at this point. I don't understand anything at all. I think I really did go overboard this time. To the point that I have nothing to say in my defence. I cannot go through with this. It's not as easy as it seems. Don't you see? I'm just like you and you're just like me. It's just like Terrence told me years ago. I have to stop. It's killing me. None of you understand my problems because the vast majority of you don't understand your own. You don't know what makes me tick. You don't know what it's like to finally have hope in something and then have it snatched away from you. You don't know what it's fucking like to have this giant adventure entrusted to you when you don't want it. When you'd give it away in a heart beat. Knowing that you really don't care anymore. Instead you guys just take to heart all the stupid little things that aren't of any significance. You think you're perfect? You're not. And neither am I. I thought I was happy. But I wasn't. I thought the readings were telling me to let go of Jed. They weren't. They're telling me to let go of THIS. This issue that's been eating away at me since I was a child, unable to speak. I remember all these problems. All the sadness. All the tears. It's really quite sad but I have no memory of being happy as a child. I know I must've been. But I don't remember it. I look to my brother who assures me I was happy. Even he doesn't know how to help me now. I don't know if anyone does. I should ask for help but I'm not. You see, I know I have to deal with this alone.

And let the record show, I still don't really want to go to Melbourne. I know Cia, it's like turning down the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to go anymore. Things have just gotten so out of hand that I really don't know how to deal with it anymore. Amazingly enough, it's crept up on me to the point that I didn't even notice it. I didn't even notice that it was in me. That it was in my room. In my home. The place I call my sanctuary. Where no one could do anything to me. It's now desecrated. It's disgusting. To the point that I don't want to be here. I don't want to BE at all now. See how these things get to me? I don't understand them myself.

And there it is again, that sweet smell of cologne. The one that I loved so much. The one that I'm trying to wipe from my memory as I've done many other things.

I am still awake. I am not satisfied!! I was so bored that I tried to come up with a layout theme based on mustard and jeans. Hahahahahahaha!!!! ;) Here's a picture of my lame attempts so far.



While I was doing that, snippets of the previous nights' dream came to mind. You were a vampire? Just like that story I was writing? Am I making sense? I don't think so... Maybe I should sleep and hope that my dad and bro give me my m00lah back or I can't go out tomorrow... Sigh... I spend and smoke tooo fast...

"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."

That's got to be one of my favourite quotes. It encapsulates everything. I know I put it somewhere on my blog before but I just saw it on Melvin's so yea...

I'm a lot calmer now... I'm sorry guys... I would've gone but I got into a massive argument with my dad who went on about telling me how I can't do something or other. And the crazy thing is, the thought didn't even occur to me when he said it. My mom is still paranoid about me going near any hospitals. She wasn't too happy when I dropped by Tan Tock Send last week (was it?) to hang out with Amanda for a bit...

Hanging out these past couple of weeks have offered me insight into many new things. But more importantly, it dug up a part of me that I kept buried a long time ago. I can't believe that I kept the child in me shut out for so long. Do you have any recollection of your days as a child? When you watched your favourite cartoon? I remember reading Ernie's Afraid of the Dark. I used to cry and cry and cry coz I was scared. But I apparently refused to sleep without going through the book at least once. I used to have this huge knack for saying goodnight to EVERYTHING. Literally. Like how Sponge Bob goes round and round saying hello and good morning to every tiny thing? I said good night. It's kinda embarrassing but it's cute in a weird way as well.

Just thinking about things that were happening around me to nearly made me burst into tears on the way to RELC for no rhyme or reason. Maybe it's because I'm scared. My brother asked me when I was leaving for the millionth time today. I looked him in the eye and told him I don't want to go. But I know that if I don't go then I will have nothing. I have to go. I mean I wanted to go so badly before. Even when I was happy with Jed and whatever. It didn't matter to me. I just wanted to go so badly I'd give anything to just take off like that. And now, as time draws closer I might be getting cold feet. I don't want to go. Too much has happened. Everything is just so calmly chaotic. It's a mess but it's so contained. I can't stand it. I know it's weird, but like I've said to many people many times, I tend to deal with a problem better once it's blown up in my face. Even if it's blown out of proportion. It's easier for me. Really. I just never thought that it would become such an extremity.

Also, I've been hanging out with Audrey quite a bit for the past few days. I wonder if I was like that before. Knowing me I was probably worse. Quite a few people have this insane misconception that I'm this insanely strong person who is incapable of getting hurt when I'm probably the most sensitive of my clique. They all seem to think that I know how to deal with things when I really don't. A lot of times they come to me when things get messy and more often than not I don't know what to say. It's not that I don't want to listen. It's just that I really don't know how to react to it. Maybe it's the same when I come to you guys with my own set of shit. Or maybe you really don't want to listen to me babble about the same old thing that happened in a thousand and one different ways. If it's any consolation, you'll notice that no matter how pissed I get with you guys telling me the same thing over and over, I never tell you to stop and I never tell you I don't want to hear it. I'm not saying that you tell me that but yea... I don't exactly have a point here.

A part of me wishes that someone could just give me the damned answer sheet. I don't want to muck around anymore. I may be young still but honestly, I'm not THAT young. I'm turning 20 for God's sake. I have a bunch of friends who are so in tune with their significant others that they're getting married. Heck, I know people who got married just as they turned 18. And no, it wasn't shot gun. No, it wasn't forced. They got married because they loved each other. Who gives a flying fuck if they're well off or not? The point is, they're happy. And they're together. I mean HELLO, THEY ARE MARRIED! It's scary! It's scaring me!

Cia was telling me awhile back that it's the really lucky ones that meet the right match on the first few tries. I guess she's right... Most of my married relatives have had multiple relationships before they got married. I mean, even my parents did haha... But this is what's scarier. My mom got married when she was 21. and I'm turning 20! Hahaha! But it's common knowledge that I'm a totally different person as compared to her. Personally I don't think she'd be happy with anyone I go out with. Unless they're Johnny Depp. And no, I'm not kidding. She told me one day "you like Johnny Depp so much you better make sure you marry someone who's just as good looking if not better than him!" I burst out laughing. I mean who is she trying to kid. This is her daughter we're talking about. It's ME. Not some super model type who can get any guy she wants. It's just ME. Annoying, little, old me. Who can't seem to focus on what's important now coz she's too fucking scared to do anything.

I really am beginning to believe that I never have to worry about anyone anymore. I mean sure I'll definitely be there to support the people I call friends. (There are a select few who think they are but really aren't...)

All the same, you know why I don't have to worry? Because I think I found a channel to devote my time and energy to. An individual who ultimately might turn out to be just like me. And I am happy. I know I've only got 2 months left. Heck, I'm scared too. But really, I want the next 2 months to last forever. Kinda like how I wanted last night to last forever.

omg... embarrassing... I think i over did it... hur hur hur

curse my ridiculous memory for not remembering my dream!!! I dreamt of YOU. YES!! YOU!!! Smoking and getting drunk and talking non-stop in the middle of the night under the stars. It was soo sweet!!! i think I had my guitar with me... Was happily writing songs and doing all sorts of things... That would be really nice. I would really love to have been able to do something as simple as that...

I would love to by the way. I wasn't joking.

she died.



i have nothing else to say.

Today was a good day. A happy day. I hung out with a bunch of friends at Wala. Saf dropped by as well. Not too bad. I had much fun.

Girl you were so happy for me. She squealed. YES YOU DID! Hahahahaha! I'm in a very good mood. I mean sure there's the whole Melbourne thing coming up. And I need to go down to IDP to send in my final transcripts but yea... *sigh* somethings are good but sad at the same time. I really really really don't wanna go... But I really really do at the same time! Ah well...

Babe, you ROCK!! I lurve Portishead!!! Sadly, the first Itchi disc won't work... sigh... ah well, I shall just watch Sin City tonight with Audrey eh? :)

call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call call *ahem*

you torment me.
false hopes, empty dreams. emptiness.

i may have made a grave mistake... a very grave mistake...

but all is not lost?
point, what does it mean when 2 separate, different, tapped readings for 2 different people in relation to each other ends the same way? is that a good thing? hmm...

holland v tmr... :) i miss you lot.

aiya... knn lar... my fingers hurt like mad.... argh.... all ur fault!!!!!!! >.<

Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong
And everything you think you had baby
Is gone

Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

Do you really think I'm made of stone baby?
C'mon!
That we only love the things we own?
Baby you're wrong

Certain things just happen when you make no plans
And love can really tear you up and it can break you down
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

Baby we're done

If I could I would
I'd change everything
Cause I can't forget you though you don't believe me
Now I can't walk back
I can't leave behind
Where does it go all the light that we had?

Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong
And everything you think you had baby
Is gone

Baby we're done

pleasant calls and multiple personalities.
flattery is good.
earth signs are nice.

a beginning of risk, a present of certainty and yet a future of chaos. why?
Melbourne.

but... who is a water sign? who that i know is a water sign. or have i misread again?

now I know how you feel... work is exhausting. But not bad. 37 in 5 hours? Pretty good if you ask me.
trust me, standing taking orders, cleaning and washing is tiring. I'm dead tired now. Hahaha, Jon Jon, I dunno if I can meet u and Zhang tmr... Tired tired tired... I'm working till 3 tmr hur hur hur

Imagine, I got paid around 7.50 an hour today. And tomorrow the place is fully booked. Service and all in, I'll get paid shit loads!! My job rawks. It's got goooooood fooooood tooo.... I lurve you Suzette!! :D

You are Heroin (aka: smack, dope, brown sugar...).
You are the most dangerous drug between all
other kinds. You are bold, deep, dark,
mysterious, have your own world. You are
classified as class (A) illegal drugs.


What kind of Drugs are you? and how that reflect your personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh irony...

This is ridiculous. I cannot sleep. I do not know why. It is very very very irritating when I can't sleep and especially when I have work to do in the morning. Apart from all that, I'm also supposed to spend time with my mom. Sigh... Tired, no time, can't sleep. And no one's awake either. How irritating. Wish I had someone to bug to keep me company. Or perhaps someone to bug me. Hah! I don't really want to bother my tired friends and family. We're all so busy these past few days that we barely meet up anymore. *sigh*

busy busy busy busy busy
bought a new deck today. hung out with jon, judy and cia too :)
many readings.

I feel much better. Although nothing's changed, my mood has certainly lifted.

Have I grown blind to the things that I do not wish to see?
Have I been searching for something that's right in front of me?
It would seem that way. Today was another busy day. So much to do, so little time. I did quite a bit of work, and landed up hanging out with a whole new bunch of people. I feel like I'm drifting away without control. Strange no?

Anyways, results are out.And I am safe. I am going to Uni. I'll live to see another day. And I still need to go restring my guitar... And I want to start taking pictures again...

Am I too sharp tongued? Do I judge people even though I don't mean to? Do I take peoples opinions and act on them?

I think I do.

I know I'm talking like somebody died or something. But I think a part of me did. And I'm convinced that I need to find something to fill those huge gaps.

A few hours ago, a new Pope was selected. Pope Benedict the XVI. I have hope again. I need help. I really do. I just don't know where to find it anymore.

I'm sorry guys, I would tell you if I could explain what I'm feeling. No, it's not about him. It's not about anyone anymore. It's me. I don't understand it very well either. I wish I did.

ooo ooo ooo! random thought! Horatio is HOT!!!! Old but HOTT!!!

In less than 5 days, I realised that I don't want to leave home.
In 5 minutes, I realised that if I don't do, I will have nothing.
In less than 5 weeks, I realised that I have no clue what I want to do with my life.
In 3 years, I devoted my time and energy into something that was so fun I secretly never wanted it to stop. Even though I sit here and think to myself, I made so many wrong choices. I should have gone for the things that would have secured me something substantial.
It took me 5 months to realise that I really have no idea who I am anymore. Potentially more than 5 months ago, I gave up everything I believed in. I betrayed myself. I did things I swore I would never do. I wrote things that up to now still shock me.

And in 10 years, I want to be a doctor? I want... I don't know what I want. But I do know what I don't want. So please, the next time I say something, let me be. And the next time you say something that may potentially screw everything up for me, don't say it. I never want to feel this shitty again.

hypocrite!! hello hypocrite!! I didn't know you could sink this low! My regards to your other self eh? Have a nice life won't you? And please, this time, try leaving me out of it.

Neither of you have ever given me the courtesy of thinking of how it must be like to be me. You perpetually assume that nobody but you knows who I am and what I go through. How clearly and ignorantly mistaken you are. Not once have you thought about what kind of person I am. You keep bull shitting and telling me that you're trying. But every single time I TRY to come to you, you fucking push me away. Sure, I know now, I'm the fucking last thing on your God damned minds. You only decide to come talk to me when you're pissed off and need to take it out on someone else. I SO FUCKING WISH YOU COULD SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING. You want to talk about me and religion? Me and Catholicism?? I don't believe anymore. You have no idea how much I wish I did. But that's just it, you have NOI FUCKING CLUE! You wouldn't know jack shit about me even if it hit you in the face. I wish I could just yell at you because maybe than, for once in your lives, you might feel the tiniest inkling of my pain. It's because of you that I wish I weren't born. I wish I never existed. I don't have any redeeming factors, people who tell me they love me all lie. AND WHO THE FUCK CARES IF YOU THINK I'M SEEKING ATTENTION?! The only reason why I haven't done anything is because I so desperately want to go to Melbourne and if I do anything, it's all over for me. Do you think I want that? DO YOU? It is so fucking typical for people to dangle things in my face and force me to do things that I never wanted to do in the first place. For God's sake, I wish you could even TRY and understand. You talk about wanting to be friends when all you want is to stick your over sized nose into my business where it doesn't belong.

The minute I can, no, the instant I can, I will take off. And don't even think about trying to get through to me because you can't, and you won't.

How terribly amusing. My parents would rather I'm in the house by 12 every night OR I don't go to University therefore not making it. It's not like I've got work to do or responsibilities to uphold. I wish they could hear themselves speaking. They sponsor me to Melbourne on a holiday but they won't let me stay over at a friend's house when she lives across the fucking road from me. Does that make ANY sense to you at all? I thought not.

Besides, if I were them, I would've noticed that the problem isn't about fucking curfew. It's a lot more than that. If they want my respect than they better fucking respect me. But how am I supposed to believe or rely on a bunch of stingy hypocritical liars?

I dreamt that I was going to get into massive trouble for coming home late. I did come home late. I reached home past 5 in the morning. But I dreamt about that too. Hanging out with Jon, Cia and Jan was really refreshing. Haven't been around people who love the craft as I do. Divinition is getting a little scarey though. 4 times the same reading was done by 4 different people since December last year. All 4 times the reading is completely identical. it's always Ace of Spades, King of Hearts, King of Spades, Ace of Hearts.

The Ace of Spades refers to the guys heart, and the King of Spades his body. The Ace of Hearts my heart and the King of Hearts my body.

So simply put we're looking at something that joins up this way:
His Heart - My Body - His Body - My Heart

You join the dots yet?

I dreamt I was at the air force and I was gonna get killed by the joker. Yea the batman one and the only person who could save me was my dad. I was with someone else but I can’t remember who...

So we ran round the entire air force building which began to look more like a hospital which is making me wondering if I was running from the joker or Freddy and we lock ourselves in the female toilet. The person I was with was definitely a guy coz I remember having to drag him in. couldn’t remember his face though...

The toilet had a back door. Believe it or not!

And when we were outside I found my dad who gave me some stuff to carry then he had to go park the car or something than I met 2 of my aunts and my cousin who just gave birth to her 3rd last Thursday they asked where my parents were I said I was supposed to go sit with my friend then my mom comes in out of no where!

She switches her bags with me so I’m carrying some books she got and she's carrying my dad's stuff At that point my other cousin Alicia comes in and dares me to kiss her friend and I'm like er.... right.... But my mom dares her to kiss this other dude Ryan. So she kisses his cheek and then we go into a church at which the new pope is saying mass and I insist that he's got a smiley face that lights up the entire room! And then my mobile phone rings and I was thinking shit. Not in church... not with the pope saying mass... then I realize that my phone really was ringing!!

But but but the crazy thing that happened next was I fell back asleep coz whoever it was only rang once or twice and I dreamt that the mass had turned into some pseudo court like thing and there was this dude from Austria! He was some Singaporean guy who fled to Austria who had some kind of bonding fetish. He'd tape up his girlfriend/wife/rape with 3cm wide red duct tape in a fetal position and then my phone rang again and I woke up and started blabbering it all out.

But at least I know I’ve got plans for tonight. Janice's with Jon and Cia ahaha!

Ok I know I’ve rattled on and on and on but yea freaky ain't it!

Let's see. It seems like nothing has changed at all. My sleeping pattern has gone all wonky, I've lost my appetite and other strange things that happened the last time are happening again. *sigh* Pete, if you're thinking of the cunning plan I'll knock your head because this one's different. This is Operation Impending Doom.

d00de!

I was wondering what your screen name was all about. And then I noticed my away message. So I'm not here because of you? ;) Amusing. I still don't know why I said no to a night of drunken stupidity. Ahaha...

I have a sudden craving for sting ray and ramen. Not together of course.

You tried so hard to be someone
That you forgot who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
‘Til all you had spilled over
Now everything’s so far away
That you don’t know where you are, you are

[Chorus:]
When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to

When it’s hard to be yourself
It’s not to be someone else
Still everything’s so far away
That you forget where you are, you are

[Chorus:]
When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to

Hold on Hold on
Hold on Hold on
Hold on Hold on
Hold on Hold on

[Chorus:]
When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to

Hold On, Jet

Strange things that run through my mind. I still can't believe I let a fever get in the way of booze night. *sigh*

Ok you strange person who refuses to leave you name, how many times are you gonna call my house line when I'm sleeping?! Let it be known, do not call me before 12!!!! And unless I slept earley, don't call before 3 either. So yes, please identify yourself and what's this about meeting who at 12:30?!

Is it just me or has everyone I know lost ability to sleep? It's 4am... I should be sleepy... But nooo... I'm not... Argh...

On another note, I've got cash again!!! YAY!!! Come come! Shall we go spend it on beers at Walla? I miss the taste of Hoegarden... Or should I be good, stay home and rot while my money stays in my wallet until I feel like smoking? (Which means it'll still deplete fast...)

Trust me, I've been trying to sleep so much that I've tried everything from reading to singing to playing 2 games at one time! But nothing seems to tire me out!

I was supposed to meet up with Prasad and Celia but that didn't happen coz the night before I only managed to knock out at 7 thereby only waking up at 8. What to do what to do... But Geoff came over for a bit earlier. :) It's been such a long time since I've hung out with the guy. *I lurve you d00de!!*

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh... I've been so jumpy as of late... It's like there's some giant doom looming above me. Haha! Impending doom syndrome all over again... Perhaps it's results. Perhaps is the week ahead. Perhaps it's the fact that my cousin who I've not seen in ages who is currently filming in South Africa for her Uni is thinking of coming down. *yay Jess's coming!!* OR maybe, it's just that I am going to Uni and it's spoiling all my plans... So many things to deal with... Being broke is the least of my worries at this point. It's just recovering from this damned ill-shitty feeling and bouts of colds and sore throats and now insomnia that won't seem to stop plaguing me.

ah well... off all things to be stuck in my head I've got "I've got somewhere I belong, I've got somebody to love. This is what dreams are made of" stuck in my head. *cringe*

After sitting and thinking for many whiles, I realise that we've all been such pains in each others asses this year. It started weirdly and it's moving on in the same way. I'm not saying I'm not angry anymore, heck I still am. But the issue here is I'm angry at myself for not seeing it earlier. I feel sorry for letting you push me around. I feel sorry for not realising that in a strange way, we really were just killing each other.

And for God's sake, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT JED.

Also, I have decided not to work period. Hahahaha! Unless for some strange reason there's a place that wants to hire me for 2-3 months after which I'll take off... I would also like to take this opportunity to knock some people on the head. You know who you are! And you know why too!!!

Sigh... I've never felt more disjointed from Church before. I don't rightly know exactly what I want to do. But I do know that I really really miss choir. And just singing in general. Voice is dying... Blah... (I know some of you think I can't sing to save my life but guess what, I don't care what you think so take your comments elsewhere...)

Anyways, to the people I love, loved and to the people who love, loved me...

Is it wrong for my to see you?
Is it wrong for me to pray?
For my life to be more than just a lie
Is it wrong, is it wrong

Is it wrong for me to need you?
Is it wrong for me to hope?
Coz it’s what I feel deep inside my heart
It’s not just some messed up lie…
It’s not just some screwed up lie…

Everyday in the smallest of ways
I watch you smile and laugh
Live and learn and live to love
Everyday your demure-ish ways
Makes me smile, makes me laugh
Telling me just how much I really love you

I can’t be honest to me
All this is driving me insane
Every time I think you’re gone; you come running back to me
Time stops, the world’s still spinning
And you leave me hanging on this empty dream

Is it wrong for me to love you…

You know, if you'd just told me the truth about that darned ring I wouldn't have gotten pissed off yanoe... I'm not as petty as you think... At least you told me eventually. We'll see if you really give it back. Really babe, really. Lying just isn't healthy... *shakes head*

And that goes for you lot too... Incompetent idiots!! :P

See? I have proven that I can be friends! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! I love swings... Have fun going to Ubi tmr!! And for God's sake, don't be late for work again :S

I think that all the nice guys in this world are either attached or married and all the single men who seem nice are masquerading as being nice. In fact, most of the men I know are absolute idiots. (Note most)

I can't help it. I'm irritated. I am NOT PLAYING GAMES! I do not like playing games. I am sick and fucking tired of playing these irritating games! They're a mind numbing waste of my time. Sigh...

OMG, when did you become so fucking irritating?! Holy shit... Of ALL THE STUPID THINGS YOU DO. Whatever man, I've had it.

God I feel soo random and still half awake hahaha! Damnit... CheeK gets to go to Barcelona.... Mel jealous... But no worries MeL will be in HONG KONG SOON!!!! ;)

Drey Drey Drey Drey Drey Drey Drey Drey Drey Drey, call me when u see this? :P

Mainey: I LURVE YOU TOO!!!

I find myself very disappointed. I never thought I could feel this disappointed in people. Surprise surprise. And you have the nerve to tell me off for the stupid things I've done? The HUGE HUGE HUGE difference between you lot and me is, I actually know the difference between right and wrong. I actually know how to regret and feel bad and not do shit again. But no, you idiots still go about doing all that you're doing pretending it's ok. And then you complain about how you don't have this and you don't have that. BULL FUCKING SHIT. I'll fucking say it again, the next time either of you think I'm being childish, at least I've got a sense of propriety and responsibility.

oh one more thing LIYANA!!! add me on msn yes? :D

For all you monkeys who missed Mainey's party, IT ROCKED! I had fun. I'm not high one bit but it was fun all the same. Thanks babes, we must get together again soon. And by the way, my keys incidentally were in my bag after all haha!

And like all nights, I was completely paid for. I didn't have to come out a single cent. I feel bad, really I do. But thank you for everything Mel. :)

I dreamt of free ice cream. I don't even like ice cream. And now I've been given incentive to get out of bed for free ice cream? Wow... *yawn* Free ice cream... I'd rather be hired... See D? I was right...

I was just thinking about being in Melbourne. I know I'm going to love it. But I also know I'm gonna be so scared. Everyone's happy for me. Some are proud of me too. But... isn't it scary? I'm not as independent as I'd like. I've always had people to depend on. I'm scared. Like REALLY scared. I want to believe that things'll be ok. To tell you the truth, I'm sure they will be. But between now and then...

I'm really gonna miss home. I wouldn't be surprised if I called Jed up and started crying. I'll land up calling everyone and anyone who'll listen and cry and cry and cry. *sigh*

Reminds me of when I called Rick when he just got back from his mission thing. He was so tired but he entertained me all the same.

Reminds me of when I called you. You listened to me wail when I was all alone. I was only on holiday some more... I remember calling you at the Singapore airport coz you couldn't come. Hahaha stupid mel.. stupid little insecure mel... I have such patient friends :P

BAD MEL! BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD MEL!!! What were you thinking of this time? Another of your stupidly stupid mistakes again weren't you! Argh!!! BAD MEL!

See what happens when you give your password away to people? Hahaha... Anyways, my friend says HELLOOO to all. With a far out wassup to whoever who can possibly guess who it is.

ok, i shall move and let the babe type before my laptop lies in pieces.

Mel or MeL or whatever, is probably the weirdest person you'll ever meet. There's never a dull moment with her around. She's sweet, caring and very concerned over the slightest thing. Border lining paranoia kind of concern. But still, she wouldn't be Mel if she weren't. I wouldn't change her for the world.

scratch that, I think I am very capable of hating you.

Someone asked me something strange today. What would I die for.

Had they asked me that question a month bad, I would have had that answer in a heart beat! But hey, things are a lot different now aren't they? Right now, I'd say, to save someone else. Think it would be worth dying for if it meant saving someone else.

A couple of months ago, I would have easily said i'd die for love. But at the moment I think even that is something else. What aspect of love are you willing to die for? Did the french mean they'd die to save their loved one or they'd rather die than not be loved? I don't get it.

Well, I suppose to each his own? Can't really write about it properly at the moment I'm still quite irritated. Damned irritating idiots on reality TV. I swear to God... Irritation.

Meet me at 7 he says!
I always call to confirm he says!
I'll give him what to say next!

I'm sorry... I know I'm demanding and I know I can be a real idiot. But things are just getting so difficult. I don't know how much more of this game I can take? I don't want to play anymore. I never really wanted to play to begin with. You somehow brought out that part of me and I never really wanted to be like that at all... I don't know what to do or what to say. The things you say and the things you do sting. I begin to wonder if I'm doomed to be tormented for the rest of my life because I really don't want to be. I haven't done anything that warrants all this. What have I done to you? Why do you keep doing the things you do? Don't you realise that it's getting harder for me every moment? why do you do the things you do. I don't understand you at all. I want to but I'm beginning to think that I can't.

My angel, Gabriel... Elohim be with us all...

you're an idiot.
for the record, if ANY of you see me, talk to me, run into me whatever, KILL ME ON THE BLOODY SPOT BEFORE I KILL MYSELF!

IRRITATING!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!
ARGH!! FORGET IT!!!!! YOU MAKE ME WAIT AT THE BLARDY STATION, DON'T EVEN CALL, AND WHEN I GET HOME I GET THROUGH TO YOU AND YOU'RE FINALLY AWAKE AND APPARENTLY YOU'VE GOT A FEVER! AND I'M SUPPOSED TO SYMPATHIZE. HOLY SHIT! AND NOW ON THE PHONE YOU PUT ME ON BLOODY HOLD?! OMFG! YOU ARE TERRIBLE!

THERE REALLY ARE NO WORDS IN THE DICTIONARY TO DESCRIBE YOU. BESIDES YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Me and my irritating thoughts that I am apparently completely unable to control.

KNNCCB.

Can I sing a song for you?
Or maybe do a trick or two...
Would you be afraid?

Stay awhile you make me smile
Don't leave me here without someone...
Would you be afraid?

Take out the fabled angst machine
And let me in
Under the circumstances ma'am
I'm not so keen

Can I sing a song for you?
Or maybe do a trick or two...
Would you be the same?

Stay awhile you make me smile
Don't leave me here without someone...
Would you be the same?

Take out the fabled angst machine
And let me in
Under the circumstances ma'am
I'm not so keen

Take out the fabled angst machine
And let me in
Under the circumstances ma'am
I'm not so keen

Can I sing a song for you?
Or maybe do a trick or two
Would you be the same....

Fabled Angst Machine, Electrico

Accurately telling the world what goes through my mind now. I particularly like the second stanza. But sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. I told my mom a couple of things today. She wasn't very surprised. It was like she'd already known and she didn't mind. I was surprised. I never thought she'd actually be ok with it. Although her idea of a date is quite different from mine. But all the same, it's nice to know that she does support me in everything that I do. She might transfer to Beijing indefinitely. Or Sydney. I don't know... If she takes Sydney then I suppose I'll apply to Sydney Uni's... And stop smoking permanently. I don't know... I've just been feeling relatively down these couple of days. So please don't ask me to sympathise with anyone right now. I frankly wouldn't be able to say anything that would mean anything. I mean I don't really care if you're far far away or if you miss your girlfriend. I don't want to hear it. Not now. All you people think you can come to me and I'll just shut up and let you rattle on about how you're upset about this and that. Don't you realise that in doing so, you're literally passing your problems onto me? And there are some who in order to have a conversation with, I have to lie just to be civil. Some of you I don't want to talk to anymore. It's just become so tiring. So if you don't hear from me, I've probably taken off indefinitely. For those of you who think that this is Jed's doing, please think again because it's not. My life doesn't revolve around Jed.

I saw HIM yesterday. Someone I promised myself I would avoid at all costs. Well, there you go. Hello if you're reading this. I know it was really messy but I don't want to drag myself back into that mess. I doubt any of you know who he is. Not even my secondary schoolmates know this one. Look, I've had enough trouble ok? I've just had enough.

By the way, I don't give a flying fuck if you think I'm childish or whatever. I don't care if you want to complain to your significant others that Mel's being melodramatic or a bitch or whatever fancy name you can think up. I'm touched you'd take out time with your loves ones to bitch about me. Am I that important that you worry more about me than your own happy little lives? Wow...

You'll never guess who I spoke to today. I don't expect anyone who reads my blog to remember who it is. Heck, I doubt anyone who's reading even knows who it is. But all the same, I spoke to Azura from Secondary School. Haha! She gave me quite a bit of in sight to what's happened since well... way back then. Also, I now have another possibility to add to the list of reasons as to why I keep falling sick all the damned time. I don't believe it to be true, but it's possible all the same. And if you want to say I'm melodramatic, you can fuck off! Irritant.

Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix Portishead remix!!! Whee!! Thank you!! :D

Sometimes you just want to care for someone. I don't mean that it's insignificant. Just that you don't need a reason to want to.

"To err is human, to forgive divine"(Acts 17:11) Isn't it? I think we should just stop trying to make noise about who did what and just forgive. I'm no angel and neither are you.

I've given it quite a bit of thought. I mean look at us, fighting over stupid little things when clearly my mind should've been more concerned with the bigger picture. With the fact that the Pope died for one.

"The highest homage man can pay to God is to live his life richly and fully" - So said Migene Gonzalez-Wippler. She also said, "Upon his death, man had to answer to God for every unhappy moment he brough upon himself during life, and for each opportunity to be happy he lets escape." Now that is thought provoking.

It is time to worry again people, Mel is quoting the bible. Again.

"This happens to the best and worst of us Mel." so said an old friend of mine. In fact, I'm going to type out the entire letter without giving away names. But I'm very sure all of us can already guess who wrote the letter and what we're talking about.

"You have outdone yourself in every aspect of the term. You have come so far from where you were. You're a fucking graduate for Christ's sake. You're not going to let an idiot and his idiot ruin you. Especially not now. So who cares about lost opportunities all because you're going to Melbourne. It opens up the doors to millions more doesn't it? Won't you be back at the end of every semester to happily rub it in their faces that you made it and they didn't? That you are going to do exactly what you wanted to do in the first place. I've stood by you through primary school to secondary school to poly and now to uni and you are definitely not going to let all this bull shit spoil your dreams. So for fuck's sake Mel, let the fucker do whatever the fuck he wants with whoever the fuck he wants because ultimately, you'll make it better than ever. Only you can do it. And if no one believes in you, I will."

Nice isn't it. Childhood friends. People I've known since... Well, a long time. It's a wonder that I never went out with him isn't it? But it's to be expected I guess. He left this God forsaken island such a long time ago. I was surprised to find out he's read my blog. Thank you darling. Even if we had gone out, we wouldn't be like this today would we? Besides, you know for one that I do not think very highly of overseas relationships. For one, no matter how mature a person is, people our age have it hard committing to someone who's even across the block from us let alone someone who is in a different country. But all the same, thank you. It really helped. And yes, I shall upload more stuff to deviant art soon. :)

I'm watching anime in bits and pieces. The songs brings back memories doesn't it?

Mom left for KL this afternoon. Don't know when she'll be back. Dad's out working tonight. Usually it's nights like these that we'd land up hanging out till sunrise. Honestly babe, where are you when I need you?

You know, Friday morning, I called you. (A different you.) You who promised you'd be there for me no matter what. I mean fine, I hung out with you earlier in the day but... I really needed you and you weren't there. Sure you're concerns are for the greater good but... *sigh* forget it.

And back to the original you I was talking about. I'm not sure if I like you at all but I know I don't hate you. Somehow don't think I can hate you.

Aiya... I wanna put the pictures of Marissa's farewell up... HOW Audrey? HOW? Should I put them up? CAN I put them up? Will I get into trouble? hur hur hur :P

Rick and Audrey were over yesterday. Wathced movies, played monopoly and ate a lot of mac and cheese. :) Thank you, it was some much needed time spent with you 2.

Geoff and I are heading down to MTV tomorrow... There's this web designing flash thingy... Might head to Orchard after to go job hunt with Audrey haha. Yes, I shall stop procrastinating! I shall go find a job! And then I shall have money and then I shall throw parties! But first buy a new phone hur hur hur... Although I vaguely remember Audrey saying something about working at Gelare's... Hahaha maybe I should go with her...

Damien messaged last night to tell me he was drunk. Hur!!! Cheat my feelings... I want to be drunk too!!! But then I'd feel sick.... Hm.... *yawn* time to go and smoke and crawl back into bed. Wheee~ Life styles of the fortunate, happy but sleepy...

Ok Peter... I took this phor you... Hur hur hur


Which File Extension are You?

PS: I am smiling for you...

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudel,
Door bells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses and blue satin sashes,
Snow-flakes that stay on my nose and eye-lashes,
Silver white winters that melt into spring,
These are a few of my favorite things,

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad.

Someone sent it to me via yousendit.com. A rock version of it, the original version too. Heck, even Bjork's version (of which I happen to love.) Thank God they didn't find the music box one... Because I know I had that one and one other person had it too. Look I don't know who you are or why you're sending such things to me or whether you're out of torture me or make me smile, you could have at least left your name. Besides, there was only one other person who knew that i loved it. And it's the same person with whom I share one of The White Stripes' songs with.

If you're trying to make me remember, I didn't forget it in the first place. I still remember walking from Sim Lim to Plaza Sing's Gelare's for ice cream while we were happily humming that song. How apparently whenever he hung out you'd remember that one song. And even when you hung out with others and I wasn't there, you said you'd still absent mindedly hum that song whenever you were thinking of me. It was sweet. A sweet lie perhaps. Perhaps not. It's a nice song with memories I doubt either of us wishes to remember anymore.

I think I have understood yesterday's sudden pang of religiousness. The Pope is dying. The symbol of my faith is fading. I don't care if you lot think otherwise, I have hardly ever condemned your religious beliefs and I ask that you do not condemn mine. It only undermines whatever good that it has entailed. And then because of one persons stupidity, an entire religion would have been frowned upon. It will be a sad day when people like that run rampant and still proclaim their beliefs to be above all others. Bloody ignorant hypocrites.

But yes, he's dying. He's lost his voice as well. But as Luke puts it, it would be the least of his worries. Rumours his death are also popping up everywhere. I refuse to believe that he is dead. Yes inevitably he will die but I do not wish to condone these rumours. I refuse it. I cannot stress how much being catholic has become so important to me in the last week. It is because of my growing faith that I have been able to say no to things that I do not need and things that will ultimately give rise to my own undoing. Yes, it still hurts. Yes I foresee it hurting like mad. I know now that had this impending 'doom/freedom/un-lable-able' event of my departure for Melbourne not exist, things would have been very much different. Very very different. Please do not in any way think it has anything to do with you Jed. If anything, a major factor in my wanting to disappear to the isle down under as you put it, is to get the hell away from you and your mess and all that surrounds you because it does nothing but give me grief and a massive headache. Sadly, in going, I would have lost countless opportunities. But what must be done, must be done. A part of me never wants to see or speak of you for the rest of my life, another wishes that things could have been different and the final part just wants to decapitate you.

With the sting of the whip on my shoulder
With the salt of my sweat on my brow
Elohim, God on high,
Can You hear Your people cry:
Help us now
This dark hour...

Deliver us!
Hear our call
Deliver us
Lord of all
Remember us, here in this burning sand
Deliver us
There's a Land You promised us
Deliver us to the promised Land

YALDI HATOV VEH HARACH
AL TIRA' VEH AL TIFCHAD

My son, I have nothing I can give
But this chance that you may live
I pray we'll meet again
If He will deliver us

Deliver us...

Deliver us
Hear our prayer
Deliver us
From despair
These years of slavery grow
Too cruel to stand
Deliver us
There's a Land You promised us
Deliver us
Out of bondage and
Deliver us to the promised Land

Hush now, my baby
Be still, love, don't cry
Sleep as you're rocked by the stream
Sleep and remember
My last lullaby
So I'll be with you when you dream

River, o river,
Flow gently for me
Such precious cargo you bear
Do you know somewhere
He can live free?
River, deliver him there...

Brother, you're safe now
And safe may you stay
For I have a prayer just for you:
Grow, baby brother
Come back someday
Come and deliver us too

Deliver us
Send a Shepherd to shepherd us
And deliver us to the promised Land
Deliver us to the promised Land

- Deliver Us taken off the Prince of Egypt OST

I suddenly felt pious and religious. I'm in a better mood really. Drained still, but better. Damnit... I missed the parties... And I wanted to go quite badly. Stupid body and this stupid flu and the stupid throat.... won't bloody leave me alone...

I hope I dream of you. (No not you Jed. Pfft) You don't know who you are but I'm sure quite a few people can guess haha :)

Yes, I was REALLY upset. But also, I think I really over reacted. Be pissed all you want. I've calmed down. Although my voice which has been threatening to disappear for weeks officially died this morning, it's back again. But I cannot yell at anyone or I'll land up losing it again.

I'm going handphone shopping today... Might get the K700i... Yes Geoff... I know it's the phone you're using. Yes, I know Julie's H-O-T-T hot! I dunno... I still like the T630 but the K700i is obviously more superior... But there the matter of tech support in Melbourne. Argh... Where's my muffin when I need him :S

Bottom line is, my brother reckons I should get a Nokia. But I cannot function without BlueTooth!!! It's either that or I find some way to get the software to hook up the pocket pc to the laptop. I don't like the idea of running about without my stuff synchronized properly. Sure there's my iPod but still... It's not like the batteries are wonderfully reliable are they... At least with a phone it would last a lot longer. Plus, my phone is conking out ever so often. I love this phone to bits though... I'd never give it up for the world. I am willing to get and use a new one but I'll never throw this one away.

Damnit... why must I be fighting with you now of all times, you'd know which would be more practical for me to use... Haha... All the same, I think this is kinda blown out of proportion. I also think that we're not fighting over something so shallow. In fact, I think it's something deeper. It usually is. And we land up taking it out on each other. But you know what? Go right ahead, you won't get anything out of me anymore. I'm quite happy. I don't need to be engaged. I don't need to be reassured that I'm getting married. (No offence Nas and Saf) And I most certainly do not need to be tied down at the age of 19 coming 20. I am WAY too young. I still HAVE a life to live.

"So why believe so strongly in something that has let you down before?

Because it's easier to lie to yourself than face the truth?"
- taken of Peter's blog.

Spot on Pete. Once again, you have managed to hit the bull's eye and I never even said anything to you about it. But then again, it was probably a coincidence that you wrote all that in.

you've always known hadn't you. The worst thing you could ever do to me is leave. Even as I walked away, you didn't try to stop me. You never tried to stop me. And after all that what do you do? You run back to her. Did you think I wouldn't know? Maybe you're right. Maybe we shouldn't even be friends. Maybe...

Maybe a lot of things. I'm not about to give up. You can't just give up.

Maybe karma hits us all

Why. Why why why why why why why! Don't think?! Do you think at all?! *sigh*
Do not kiss me. DON'T DAMNIT DON'T!!!! You and ur stupid little jokes and I'm sposed to be the irritating one?! Christ Almighty, thank God I stopped you. It would've been the 3rd biggest mistake of my life. I mean I actually do give a shit unlike what you think. Damnit. Damn you and this annoying effect you have on me. Damn the fact that I'm so damned free that I'd go out just to see you for a couple of hours. Damn the fact that I give you the time of day. Damn the fact that you're fucking getting married and you're still doing shit like this. Despite all your fiance has said to me, I feel sorry for her. I thought that we could work things out and actually BE friends like what we talked about in Mos. But evidently not. I begin to wonder if you're capable of being in a relationship because your commitment skills are really quite shitty. KNN!!