"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."

That's got to be one of my favourite quotes. It encapsulates everything. I know I put it somewhere on my blog before but I just saw it on Melvin's so yea...

I'm a lot calmer now... I'm sorry guys... I would've gone but I got into a massive argument with my dad who went on about telling me how I can't do something or other. And the crazy thing is, the thought didn't even occur to me when he said it. My mom is still paranoid about me going near any hospitals. She wasn't too happy when I dropped by Tan Tock Send last week (was it?) to hang out with Amanda for a bit...

Hanging out these past couple of weeks have offered me insight into many new things. But more importantly, it dug up a part of me that I kept buried a long time ago. I can't believe that I kept the child in me shut out for so long. Do you have any recollection of your days as a child? When you watched your favourite cartoon? I remember reading Ernie's Afraid of the Dark. I used to cry and cry and cry coz I was scared. But I apparently refused to sleep without going through the book at least once. I used to have this huge knack for saying goodnight to EVERYTHING. Literally. Like how Sponge Bob goes round and round saying hello and good morning to every tiny thing? I said good night. It's kinda embarrassing but it's cute in a weird way as well.

Just thinking about things that were happening around me to nearly made me burst into tears on the way to RELC for no rhyme or reason. Maybe it's because I'm scared. My brother asked me when I was leaving for the millionth time today. I looked him in the eye and told him I don't want to go. But I know that if I don't go then I will have nothing. I have to go. I mean I wanted to go so badly before. Even when I was happy with Jed and whatever. It didn't matter to me. I just wanted to go so badly I'd give anything to just take off like that. And now, as time draws closer I might be getting cold feet. I don't want to go. Too much has happened. Everything is just so calmly chaotic. It's a mess but it's so contained. I can't stand it. I know it's weird, but like I've said to many people many times, I tend to deal with a problem better once it's blown up in my face. Even if it's blown out of proportion. It's easier for me. Really. I just never thought that it would become such an extremity.

Also, I've been hanging out with Audrey quite a bit for the past few days. I wonder if I was like that before. Knowing me I was probably worse. Quite a few people have this insane misconception that I'm this insanely strong person who is incapable of getting hurt when I'm probably the most sensitive of my clique. They all seem to think that I know how to deal with things when I really don't. A lot of times they come to me when things get messy and more often than not I don't know what to say. It's not that I don't want to listen. It's just that I really don't know how to react to it. Maybe it's the same when I come to you guys with my own set of shit. Or maybe you really don't want to listen to me babble about the same old thing that happened in a thousand and one different ways. If it's any consolation, you'll notice that no matter how pissed I get with you guys telling me the same thing over and over, I never tell you to stop and I never tell you I don't want to hear it. I'm not saying that you tell me that but yea... I don't exactly have a point here.

A part of me wishes that someone could just give me the damned answer sheet. I don't want to muck around anymore. I may be young still but honestly, I'm not THAT young. I'm turning 20 for God's sake. I have a bunch of friends who are so in tune with their significant others that they're getting married. Heck, I know people who got married just as they turned 18. And no, it wasn't shot gun. No, it wasn't forced. They got married because they loved each other. Who gives a flying fuck if they're well off or not? The point is, they're happy. And they're together. I mean HELLO, THEY ARE MARRIED! It's scary! It's scaring me!

Cia was telling me awhile back that it's the really lucky ones that meet the right match on the first few tries. I guess she's right... Most of my married relatives have had multiple relationships before they got married. I mean, even my parents did haha... But this is what's scarier. My mom got married when she was 21. and I'm turning 20! Hahaha! But it's common knowledge that I'm a totally different person as compared to her. Personally I don't think she'd be happy with anyone I go out with. Unless they're Johnny Depp. And no, I'm not kidding. She told me one day "you like Johnny Depp so much you better make sure you marry someone who's just as good looking if not better than him!" I burst out laughing. I mean who is she trying to kid. This is her daughter we're talking about. It's ME. Not some super model type who can get any guy she wants. It's just ME. Annoying, little, old me. Who can't seem to focus on what's important now coz she's too fucking scared to do anything.