You know something? I think I was wrong. I don't know what to think at this point. I don't understand anything at all. I think I really did go overboard this time. To the point that I have nothing to say in my defence. I cannot go through with this. It's not as easy as it seems. Don't you see? I'm just like you and you're just like me. It's just like Terrence told me years ago. I have to stop. It's killing me. None of you understand my problems because the vast majority of you don't understand your own. You don't know what makes me tick. You don't know what it's like to finally have hope in something and then have it snatched away from you. You don't know what it's fucking like to have this giant adventure entrusted to you when you don't want it. When you'd give it away in a heart beat. Knowing that you really don't care anymore. Instead you guys just take to heart all the stupid little things that aren't of any significance. You think you're perfect? You're not. And neither am I. I thought I was happy. But I wasn't. I thought the readings were telling me to let go of Jed. They weren't. They're telling me to let go of THIS. This issue that's been eating away at me since I was a child, unable to speak. I remember all these problems. All the sadness. All the tears. It's really quite sad but I have no memory of being happy as a child. I know I must've been. But I don't remember it. I look to my brother who assures me I was happy. Even he doesn't know how to help me now. I don't know if anyone does. I should ask for help but I'm not. You see, I know I have to deal with this alone.

And let the record show, I still don't really want to go to Melbourne. I know Cia, it's like turning down the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to go anymore. Things have just gotten so out of hand that I really don't know how to deal with it anymore. Amazingly enough, it's crept up on me to the point that I didn't even notice it. I didn't even notice that it was in me. That it was in my room. In my home. The place I call my sanctuary. Where no one could do anything to me. It's now desecrated. It's disgusting. To the point that I don't want to be here. I don't want to BE at all now. See how these things get to me? I don't understand them myself.

And there it is again, that sweet smell of cologne. The one that I loved so much. The one that I'm trying to wipe from my memory as I've done many other things.