You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page... Existentialism 90% Hedonism 70% Divine Command 65% Utilitarianism 60% Justice (Fairness) 55% Kantianism 40% Nihilism 40% Strong Egoism 35% Apathy 5% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Musical/Rhythmic. You are sensitive to sounds in your environment, enjoy music and prefer listening to music when you study or read. You learn best through melody and music. People like you include singers, conductors, composers, and others who appreciate the various elements of music. Musical/Rhythmic 96% Verbal/Linguistic 79% Intrapersonal 68% Interpersonal 64% Logical/Mathematical 57% Visual/Spatial 54% Bodily/Kinesthetic 46% The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Upper middle Class. Your determination have soared you this high, yet not high enough to enjoy the luxuries of the upper class. Your most valued posession is your country club membership which is kept framed in the office. Upper middle Class 71% Luxurious Upper Class 67% alternative 50% Middle Class 38% Lower Class 33% What Social Status are you? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Cheerleader/Jock. You rock the school man. keep it up. Loner 25% Punk Ass Kid 25% Cheerleader/Jock 25% Art Freak 6% Loser 0% Nerd 0% What's You're Sterotype? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Christianity. Your views are most similar to those of Christianity. Do more research on Christianity and possibly consider being baptized and accepting Jesus, if you aren't already Christian. Christianity is the second of the Abrahamic faiths; it follows Judaism and is followed by Islam. It differs in its belief of Jesus, as not a prophet nor historical figure, but as God in human form. The Holy Trinity is the concept that God takes three forms: the Father, the Son (Jesus), and the Holy Ghost (sometimes called Holy Spirit). Jesus taught the idea of instead of seeking revenge, one should love his or her neighbors and enemies. Christians believe that Jesus died on the cross to save humankind and forgive people's sins. Satanism 83% Christianity 83% Buddhism 79% Hinduism 63% agnosticism 63% Islam 54% Judaism 50% Paganism 29% atheism 8% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Ahahaha! How can a person be BOTH Christian AND Satanic at the same time?!

You scored as asian. Yur Asian! latino 75% asian 75% white 58% black 25% Are you a different race than you think you are? created with QuizFarm.com

Gee, DUH...

You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up. Peter Pan 88% The Beast 75% Sleeping Beauty 69% Goofy 63% Donald Duck 63% Ariel 50% Cinderella 50% Cruella De Ville 44% Pinocchio 38% Snow White 38% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide 100% Posion 53% Gunshot 53% Eaten 33% Bomb 27% Disease 27% Stabbed 13% Accident 13% Natural Causes 7% Cut Throat 0% Disappear 0% Drowning 0% Suffocated 0% How Will You Die?? created with QuizFarm.com

Oh sure....

You scored as DKNY. DKNY 75% Dior 67% Gucci 67% Chanel 67% Diesel 50% Abercrombie & Fitch 42% Burberry 42% Tommy Hilfiger 42% Anna Sui 42% Louis Vuitton 42% What Designer Brand Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Labret Piercing. You probably intimidate a whole lot of people without really meaning too. If people could just get past the many tattoos, piercings, and sideburns I'm sure they'd love you. Or still be scared, who knows. Cartilage Piercing 90% Labret Piercing 90% Nipples 80% Lip Piercing 50% Nose Piercing 50% Dirty Piercings 50% Tongue Piercing 40% Earlobe Piercing 40% Belly Button Piercing 20% What Piercing Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Wrath. Wrath 100% Pride 75% Sloth 75% Envy 63% Greed 25% Gluttony 19% Lust 19% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Draco Malfoy. Spoilt and proud, you place high value on the purity of wizard blood and look set to follow in your father's somewhat shady footsteps. Draco Malfoy 95% Harry Potter 95% Sirius Black 85% Ginny Weasley 85% Severus Snape 85% Ron Weasley 85% Lord Voldemort 65% Hermione Granger 50% Remus Lupin 45% Albus Dumbledore 30% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Jean Grey. ~Real Name~ Jean Grey "Phoenix" "Marvel Girl" "Jean Grey" ~Affiliation~ X-Men Gold Team ~Powers~ Telepathy & Telekinesis ability to read minds & psionically levitate and rapidly move animate and inanimate matter ~Physical Attributes~ Hair: Red, Eyes: Green, Height: 5'6", Weight: 110lbs ~Age~ Approximately 25 ~Place of Birth~ Annandale on the Hudson -New York ~Marital Status~ Married to Scott Summers "Cyclops" - Anniversary March At the age of 10, Jean Grey witnessed her best friend, Annie Richardson, being hit by a speeding car. Annie died in Jean's arms, but as she did so Jean was flooded with Annie's feelings and pain. Depressed and traumatised by the incident, which was the result of her awakening telepathic abilities, Jean was sent to Professor Xavier for treatment. Shortly afterwards Xavier started to recruit the members of the first X-Men and Jean became the fifth member. For years the team fought together and over time Jean fell in love with Scott Summers "Cyclops". Several years later Jean and the X-Men were kidnapped by a madman named Steven Lang and his Sentinals. They were taken aboard his space-station where they finally defeated him. However, they still had to return to Earth and with solar flares in fury, death seemed almost certain. Willing to sacrifice herself for the team and the man she loved, Jean took control of the returning space shuttle and tried to steer the craft home, all the while using her telekinetic powers to hold back the radiation. In the final moments the shield failed and the shuttle plumited to earth. The X-Men survived but Jean seemed changed, her powers amplified to a huge degree, and she became known as PHOENIX, a powerful entaty that was sworn to protect the gallaxy.Over the next few months, Xavier became concerned with her boosted powers, and Eventually the DARK PHOENIX surfaced and went on a rampage. Xavier briefly cured Jean of the effects of her power, but she was made to stand trial for the destruction of a planet! The X-Men believing in the word "Team" defend Jean on Earth's Moon, But as Dark Pheonix resurface, Jean realised how crupt the Dark Phoenix was and took her own life to save her friends and the Universe itself. Years later, a cocoon was found deep at sea. With the help of the Fantastic Four, the cocoon was opened. and inside was Jean Grey. She had, in fact never been Pheonix. Pheonix was a cosmic entity that had taken her form and cocooned the dying Jean Grey until she had recovered from the radiation. Scott,recently married, returned to meet her and together joined the first X-Factor. Scott's wife Madilyn Pryor was later revealed as a clone of Jean by Mr. Sinister and eventually turned against the 2 teams. Madilyn was killed and Scott and Jean cared for Scott's son Nathen Christopher, "Cable" who was later sent to the future in hope of finding a cure for Apocalypse's techno virus. Jean has now takin on the identity of Phoenix and fights along side her long awaited love Cyclops. Jean Grey 75% Professor X 65% Beast 60% Archangel 60% Shadowcat 60% Rogue 55% Nightcrawler 55% Banshee 55% Wolverine 55% Cyclops 50% Iceman 45% Colossus 40% Storm 20% Which X-Men member are You? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Marv. Marv 95% Gail 50% Becky 50% Shelley 40% Dwight 40% Manute 30% Goldie 30% Nancy 25% Lucielle 20% Hartigan 20% Miho 20% That Yellow Bastard 15% Jackie Boy 0% Kevin 0% What Sin City Character are You? created with QuizFarm.com

karma baby
karma baby
karma baby
karma baby
karma baby
karma baby
karma baby
karma baby

my father turned off the aircon switch AGAIN. And I don't think I should've drunken both the curacao and the apricot last night.... yuck yuck yuck...

What an absolutely interesting and amusing turn of events! Really, things are going better than ever. And I realise I don't even have to take one step out of the house for entertainment anymore because it just bloody well reaches me anyways! For one, I said I was writing a story with a friend right? We literally bashed up Natasha. This annoying little idiot that we had the displeasure of running into. Oh, Natasha? If you're reading this? IN YOUR FACE YOU STUPID LITTLE FUCKER!!!!! (No, not Natasha from Mass Comm...)

And finally, I'm not being bothered by stupid little I-Wannabe-Married types. Quite funny what happened, but considering I said I wouldn't divulge anything up here, I won't. In fact, the story is kinda old anyways. Ahaha! All the same, it's just like I said. K-A-R-M-A. It's gonna hit you so fucking hard you might not even wake up.

did you notice how a lot of songs about pain and sadness often talk about September being that month? I didn't really realise it until now. Yes, I'm back writing my stories and stuff again. And in order to do that i have to sit and pull all my thoughts together. And everytime I remember something really bad happening, it was always in September. What's up with that? I begin to think that every September something really bad has to happen. Last years' one really took the cherry on the cake though... I doubt if anyone really remembers, but I will.

Midsummer, I waved
A "V" of black swans
On with hope to the grave
And though Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain....
So I swore to the razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above onto me?
For once upon a time
On the binds of your loneliness
I could always find the slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discoulours all with tunnel vision

Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine

Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission

None better...
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
Nymphetamine girl.

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
My Nymphetamine girl.

Wicked with your charm
I'm circled like prey
Back in the forest
Were whispers persuade
More sugar trails
More white lady laid
Than pillars of salt...
(keeping Sodom at at bay)

Fold to my arms
Hold their message away
And dance out to the moon
As we did in those golden days

Christening stars
I remember the way
We were needle and spoon
Mislaid in the burning hay

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above onto me?
For once upon a time
On the binds of your loneliness
I could always find the slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discoulours all with tunnel vision

Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine

Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission

None better...
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
Nymphetamine girl.

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
My Nymphetamine girl.

- Nympetamine, Cradle of Filth

Remember our first stupid argument? I thought I'd forgotten it. But as it turns out, I just sat up all of a sudden and there it was in my mind. Like it was just yesterday.

You said you thought that loving someone could be as simple and perfect as the movies. And that's what you wanted. A simple complication free love. I somehow managed to make you say that it was stupid because it didn't exist. Again I have to apologise. Because... I wanted that too. It's just that at that point of time I was so confused and messed up. And when I finally made sense of my complications, yours came into play. After all that, after everything came tumbling down, I couldn't make you see that it really was possible and that I was wrong about love. Sure there'd be more stupid fights over stupid things like not wanting to give in or arguing just because one doesn't want to run across a car park or whatever. But... The more I think about it, the more I think it's very possible.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. But somehow I think you do. And don't play dumb this time, you're not as stupid as you try to make me think you are. I know you. Amazingly, I can safely say I know you. And I know that whatever I'm typing isn't going to make a difference anymore. I don't give a shit about anything else anymore. Because this is now my concern and I'm not about to let go.

Oh erm, "Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair." - William Blake. You told me that. Heh...

Another thing he said that I can call to mind now is "To see the world in a grain of sand, And heaven in a wild flower. Hold infinity in the palm of your hand, And eternity in an hour." And the reason why I can remember it now is because I told you a long time ago, that those words are similar to what I feel when you're around.

A note to the final 100 final year mass comm students. A few more hours guys. A few more hours and you'll be free. Freedom from school isn't all that fun. In fact, it's quite scary. For those of us who are going to uni and those who are going to NS, we've got a bit of time left to play and make full use of our youth before we take the plunge. To those who intend to unleash themselves in the working world, let's show them what we're made of.

I have never been more proud to be a Ngee Ann Mass Comm student that I am now. Or should I say a graduate. Individually we are strong. Together we're not a force to mess with.

To the good times, the bad and the fuckers and the fuck ups we've all been through. It's been an amazing 3 years. There will be more posts like this in the near future. But at the moment, I just needed to make a statement: You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. So don't complain about the media this or the government that. You've already had your chance.

Whoa... spent the whole day watching anime and writing strange stories again :)

You were right again! Full Metal Panic IS good! To think that I had the 3-DVD set since before June last year and I never bothered to watch it! But then again I lent it to a friend for like 4 months plus... Ahaha! So I guess I owe you yet another apology huh... Well, I'm sorry. There you go, a public apology too. I really should start listening and believing the stuff you say. Well, I do... Just not all of it :P

Sheesh, I feel like I'm buzzing. Heh... But yes, I am sorry. And thank you for passing my fumofu too... Well that was ages ago before I reformatted my comp huh... But I must go and make another copy from you coz I so wanna watch it again. You haven't got Full Metal Alchemist have you? Is it good???

Damnit... my blog seems more fitting for an msn conversation. Heh...

ah well, Mel out... Gonna go talk to Audrey and watch anime till I conk out :) This is the life man...

Oh oh, Gantz is good too!! See I really should listen :P

oh my god, you are so conniving. So hypocritical. But that's just me isn't it? haha

I wrote 5 profiles today. 2 were planned. And the other 3, let's just leave it as a tribute to the idiots in my life eh? Heh...

I just read one of the MOST interesting, diabolically amusing Griffin iTrip article ever. Kudos to you Melvyn, I love your style. Not only does it completely represent who you are, it uses that same charm to draw the interest of anyone and everyone around you. :)

"What does it feel like to belong?"

An old accquaintance asked me that yesterday when I was too tired to really reply. I just said I didn't know. And perhaps that would've been the most true answer I could ever think of. I never saw myself as someone who belonged to begin with. I just have friends and accquaintances. Whether or not things worked out is a completely different story. Well, I don't know if I belong or not. But let's put it this way, I suppose it's what it's like when you've got people around you who support you indefinitely. People who'll help you out no matter what happens.

Is it really that important to belong? Really? It's like a contact list filled with people who you talk to all the time. And the worst thing is being blocked so doesn't that mean that you really don't belong after all? That didn't make sense did it? Haha...

See, I really don't known what it must be like to belong. All I know is, it's like waking up each morning knowing that no matter what happens, you'll pull through. That feeling of trust.

Anyways... I'm too tired to go all the way to Zouk.... More lazy than anything. I'm too lazy to make the trip down to Marsling to go see how Audrey's doing! (sorry!!) And I'm too lazy to go to Orchard for some job interview. Argh... Damnit all... Well I would go to Orchard if I had people to go with. But everyone else is too darned lazy too! And most of the people who'd normally hang out with me have their exam in 2 days...

Do not count this as delaying. I am not delaying!!! Argh... I think I'm just going to sit down, be quiet and play Diablo 2 :)

PS: I like this ring ahahaha!

Tomorrow. I promise. I will... Tomorrow. And no, I'm not delaying the inevitable. We've gotta sort this whole mess out don't we? Regardless of who or what happens now. It's too late. I keep wanting to resolve it but... sometimes wanting something and doing something just isn't enough. There's only so much I can do. It does take 2 to fight, 2 to make up and unrequited love isn't love at all. Love is completely subjective. I thought I knew what it was. But as it turns out, that isn't love at all. Nothing I've experienced before comes close to this. But this isn't love. I don't know what it is. Ok fine, maybe it was. But I don't know what else to call it but pain. Please just stop hurting me already. I don't want to spend my 3 months of freedom being sad because I don't know what happened or what's happening now. And don't tell me you don't know. Because you do.

I want to know what YOU want.

People... I know it's risky but who gives a fuck eh? I've switched email adds. The server is giving me hell again. *sigh*
So, my NEW email add is redrealm@gmail.com

Yes... I doubt I'll be sending out official messages... If you try sending anything to the old email add, it'll bounce so yea. Hahaha :)

BLARDY HELL!!! I just lost my web space! And I don't know how either. Irritation.... Argh... Well, time to go find another host then...

Follow me
Baby I won't let you leave if you believe in me
And I always set you free from all those yesteryears
But you don't know how much I got believe in you

the first verse to one of the songs on Beck. But my fav line is:
Look for the line between love and friends. Well we'll be twisting ourselves once again.

So I'm a narcisisst! Haha... who cares... It's a song in tribute to well... You know who you are... I guess I just want to say sorry for not believing you when I should have. And sorry for not trusting you when you were the only one giving me even a shred of truth. So I'm demanding and sometimes really irritating. You know I don't mean to be. But yea, I'm really sorry... Things just got messy.

Take care ok? I'll call you one day. When I'm ready. (And not ill. heh...)

There, I did it. I did what you asked of me. Maybe I shoudln't have. But I'm so sick of fighting. One day everything will unfold. But for now, because I promised you, I did it. Don't make me do this again. Don't make me label it as just that anymore. Please... Stop...

I figured that I've got what... 3 months of nothingness. And there is no way in hell I want to go to local Uni (no offence guys), no matter how much my mom and dad bug me, I refuse to even apply. Perhaps I can finally concentrate on my music like I wanted to? Hmm... I had a weird dream the other... Sitting in the void decks playing the guitar and singing with this other girl. She was younger than me. Say by 2 years tops? She had longish wavy hair a bit like mine but she was a lot shorter than me. I just remember jamming away in the middle of the night in a void deck of all places. But it was not bad. We sang main stream to Adema to our own strange compositions. Including the song that Rick made a version of? The song which I still haven't touched since that day at 3 am in Holland V.

I dunno... It seems like a plan doesn't it? I don't suppose that I'll get wonderfully good and achieve my childish way out there dream of rockdom but hey, if it makes 3 months bearable, why not. Besides, with all the shit that I'm going through now, I need the break. I need the rest. I miss that kind of happiness. Just pure joy of not worrying at all. And usally my music gives me that peace of mind that no one can take away from me. My music gives me memories that no one can take away. It's beautiful. And i love them.

I've got like 3-4 songs simultaneously in the making. Haha... And I've got stylists appointments tomorrow. Man... I'm gonna be sooo dead...

I don't like you, I really don't like you. In fact, you could say I hate you're stickin guts. But I'm too sick and tired to really care at this point. Please do not try to rob me of my happiness anymore? Really, go fuck yourself. I'm sure you've tried already haven't you? My God... How disturbing can you get. Please, for fuck's sake, QUIT SEEPING INTO MY LIFE! Stay out of it! If I could curse you out of it I would! You have no idea how annoying you are!

I do care about you. (Yes, a different person now.) And I really want to trust you. You just make things so difficult with your ambiguity.

oh, btw Nas, a little snippet of random info. Keagan Kang is Luke's cousin. Hahaha :)

I think I need to stop fooling myself. And that I need to shoot myself.

It's always the times when you're completely free and without a thing to do that you start to think about a hundred and one things and chance upon memories of many years ago and some even a matter of months, weeks, days... minutes... seconds. And no matter how long or short a period of time it was, it still hurts with the same intensity. I'm sorry Luke, it turns out I'm not ok after all.

Remember last night, I said that I have been waiting for Melbourne for a very long time and I wouldn't give it up for the world? I won't. Not even for you. I can't. I have to stop believing things that aren't real. I have to stop believing a lie. It's a lot worse than you think. And I don't care if you think I'm being melodramatic and I don't care if I'm officially the weirdest person you know. Because I've accepted the weirdness that is me. The irritating bit that just can't give up when I see something that I really want. But... That would be the one thing that I'd have to let go of. Stupid huh... I know what you'd say. The one thing that would hurt me the most. You'd say there was nothing to throw away to begin with. And then I'd cry because I would have started to hate you all over again.

Ok, so I just posted but I wanted to say just one more thing. I read Durg's blog about her old post. I may be the last person on earth that people'd expect to believe in the concept of love. But yea, life is too damned short to give up the one you care about let alone love.

Looking at everything that I have done, I have no regrets in saying I love you to a person. Because IF and WHEN I do, I mean it. With every blood platlet in my system. I have no regrets.

Random thought... If I try to sharpen my ring, will it really be able to cut people? Hmm...

Thank you for dinner. It was definitely worth waking up for. I even got a free accessory haha!

I am quite proud of myself. The exam went pretty well. At least this time I knew what I was writing heh... But yes, apart from the fact that Melissa-Ann Tan Jialing officially has nothing more to do with Ngee Ann or Mass Comm, I am already beginning to miss the place. But, I've still got you. I think. You rock my world.

It willl all be over in 4 hours. Under 4 hours. Omfg. i only slept for 3. Shit...

In less than 9 hours, I would have nothing to do with Mass Comm or Ngee Ann Poly. In less than 9 hours, I would be a graduate with my second Diploma. In less than 9 hours, I will just be MeL the undergrad. I will be a whole new person. A happier person. It took a shitty week and a whole bunch of people who were so desperately trying to make me smile to realise that I've got this whole world ahead of me. And who cares if I'm not attached or if I'm not engaged or whatever, coz in 9 hours, I WILL BE FREE. I can almost taste the freedom coming upon me.

I'm surprised that in the short period of time that information actually stayed in my head, I was at complete peace. Nothing bothered me. Not even my mild argument with the people I care about. Yes... I know what I said was harsh... But it doesn't change anything I said the other day. And it doesn't change anything now.

I'm glad things are working out this way. Cia, you mean well. :) I still find it amusing though. Were you really gonna kill anyone who disturbed me? Haha! I'm so touched! Thank you so much babe... I have found my life again thanks to people like you. I thank God everyday that I've all of you hanging with me on this stupid little makeshift ledge.

And Rick, you ar... I was studying... Besides, I too broke to go out... And and, how can you ask me out when you have a girlfriend har?? Even worse, how can you ask your own sister out?! Incestuous pig!! Haha, kidding... I love you darling...

Luke Luke Luke!!! I have sooo many things to tell you! I dunno where you ran off to earlier but I am just sooo busy....

Kenny Ho! I saw you online! But then you disappeared.... Where are you!!!! Haha :)

I'll be writing very long goodbye letters to all my friends very soon. I would just like to thank them and God and most of all, Melvyn. You guys have yelled at me, wanted to kill me and loved me for all that I'm worth. I'm lucky to have so many of you. Although I wonder why you love me so much, I wouldn't love me! Haha!

And I end off with...

"Look at the sky wondering why
Everything going underground
Pull over here
So we can hear
All of the things that come from you"

- Electrico, The Story of Slantboy

It's been a while. And no, I'm not regreting what I wrote. I'd like to say thanks to Haz, Jon Ho, Jon Lee and Joanna for hearing me bitch like there's no tomorrow.

And Haz, I think I might get this CRC thing down haha! :D

Love you babes, back to work!!

It's come to a point where being honest gets you no where anymore. It's come to a point for thinking that something good might come out of the storm is the stupidest thing on the planet. And it was a fucking BAD idea for the realist in me to turn idealist.

For one, I can't have a decent conversation with people without having to worry about repurcussions. I can't sit and think about people without a whole other mess coming into play. I have NEVER had to worry about this kinda bullshit in my entire life! But then again, I have never gotten into such a disgusting tangle in my entire life. Perhaps disgusting isn't the word to use because for a while it's nice then after that it's just plain rotten. Heck, rotten's a fucking understatement!

For fuck's sake, you have a nice relationship why the fuck let something so small and intrepid get to you? Is it so damned wrong to just face facts and accept the damned thing for what it is?! Why do you even have to bother anymore? I thought you were supposed to be fucking HAPPY. If the whole world's irritating you maybe you should just drop fucking dead instead of BLAMING ME for covering up for you. God knows why you still put up with this God damned bullshit. FUCKING IDIOT! I still find myself wondering after all the nonsense I've dealt with why I still have the fucking patience to deal with you! I mean it looks very clear that what you want is something you shouldn't get in the first place. I mean honestly, how in God's name did you expect it to turn out? Did you think I was gonna let shit happen? Did you? Well guess again ass hole, you're digging your own grave.

And YES, in case you haven't fucking noticed, I AM FUCKING PISSED OFF!

Sigh... I really don't want to be pissed off at you. Really, I don't. It's just that sometimes you make it so damned difficult with all this stupid deception and then with the messing of peoples heads that you seem to love to do so much. Is that what you're after? Just to mess with my head? Sure, go ahead. Go on, I'm the irritating one. It's always MEL'S FAULT. Look in the mirror you idiot, why don't you just think for one minute. Everytime you've got some stupid little thing you come to me. Everytime something backfires you come running to me. For God's sake, no. For you're own sake, open your eyes will you? You're life's a mess because you let it be. You want a simple life, stop complicating things with this whole it's up to you bull shit.

I get the feeling when I wake up tomorrow or even say in a few hours, I'm gonna land up regretting all this that I'm typing. *sigh*

"Being in the media industry, I’ve learned that things are never as easy as they look. Television programmes, radio talk shows and even online magazines are the results of a lot of hard work. It’s just like a song. Your lyrics and the accompanying music have to come together perfectly before it can even make waves. It is not all glitz and glam like people perceive.


Bottom line is, life is too short for you to allow yourself to stay hidden under a rock. Life is all about choices, right ones and wrong ones. But it’s not which choice you make that counts. It’s learning and growing from each and every experience. "

I wrote that. Last year. Just before Jed and I broke up. If I recall correctly I heard The Moffatts (yes yes boyband...) blaring on the radio. If life is so short why won't you let me love you before we run out of time. And the brilliant part of that is, I have come to realise, I hadn't let Jed love me. I didn't and couldn't bring myself to trust him when we were together. And now, about 6 months later, I'm getting hate tags from his apparent fiance. Honestly Jed, we got together what, in June last year? We barely lasted a week to begin with. But that was my fault. I let my insecurities run wild. I didn't allow myself to love you until it was too late. But perhaps not. You are quite happy with yourself now aren't you.

The reason why I'm bringing all this up is because I found something I wrote for you quite awhile back. It makes very little sense but I thought I'd say it now.

"I love you, you idiot. I love you despite all the pain that I've suffered, I still do love you. I'm not sure if I'm being childish again or not but just the thought of you makes me feel like a little girl all over again. I'm not saying I need to be pampered or anything though. Being with you just let's me breathe. Stupid stupid stupid angel. You have no idea what I'd go through for you. You have no idea what I still am going through for you, my stupid angel. "

Childish isn't it. As I stare at it now I can't really remember why I said what I said. But since I've decided to publish it for the world to see, let me say this. I wish you well in whatever you do. If and when you get married, I hope that you will be happy. It doesn't matter whether I'm invited to your wedding or not. It would be nice but what I want is pretty much irrelevant. You used to tell me that. You'd say that it only mattered what I wanted. Well Jed, it is relevant. I don't want you to be sad. I want you to be happy. I want me to be happy. Clearly you're with someone who makes you happy now. I just hope that whoever she is, she'll trust you and let you love her better than I did.

There are a lot of things that I should have told you a long time ago. But it's all in the past now. And yes, I am surviving. In fact, I think I might have stumbled across someone. It will be utterly embarrassing if he reads this but who cares eh? I've hardly ever been one to be embarrassed. I wish you well Jed. In fact, I'd like to wish all the happy couples well. Cia, Ian. Geoff and his Jha :P Nas, Saf. Amelia, Dong. Karol and eh eh eh :) Drey, Rick. And all the others of whom I either can't remember or am too lazy to type out. I better be invited to your weddings or I will hunt you down!!!

Hahahahaha!!! I wrote this WAY back in August for U-Musings

In this day and age, the internet has long overtaken gossips as the biggest spreaders of fire. Blogging, uploading those online diaries, for example, can never be safe again.

A few months back, an acquaintance of mine had her tag board flooded with profanities directed at her because of her love life. And since when did her life suddenly become the business of unsolicited strangers? Sure, she didn’t have to publicise her blog or even have one for that matter, but surely whatever she is accused of is no worse than the cowardice of these people who hide behind the anonymity that the medium allows them? Just today, I found out that I myself was tagged with untruthful accusations as if it’s not enough that I’m going through my situation.

It gets even worse when you leave your picture up there only to have someone to come in and mutilate it! This, my friends, is known as vandalism! Whoever was the vandal should only be too glad that not everyone has the time or money to run around suing everyone else.

All these negative experiences aside, I suppose the good thing about having a blog is the concept that you can talk about anything you want whenever you want however you want to whoever chooses to tune in to your rambling. And yes, it allows you to tell your friends and family what’s happening with you without having to find a common block of free time. But my primary concern, and that of many others, is, how do you keep those insults out and still be able to let others see and comment legitimately?

Having gone through all these, there are a few simple solutions I’m adopting to these problems.

Don’t put your name up on the net! Sure, some of us still do that and it benefits us to some extent. But sometimes it’s really just courting danger isn’t it?
And please, don’t leave your pictures lying around… It’s just as bad as scribbling your name on the back of physical photographs and giving them out to random strangers.
You could just as easily pull out simple codes that allow you to password protect your blog. The problem with this is that it makes going in to read your material such a chore. I suppose then only your real friends or people who haven’t anything better to do will go in? Learning Moveable Type has a comprehensive article that should help you with password protecting your blog.
Lose the tag boards or don’t put them in, in the first place. People leaving stupid, insensitive messages there have irritated most bloggers, at one point or another. So if it really bothers you that much, get rid of it.
This is my favourite solution. Why bother about all these childish people who run about writing things on your site. In fact, the blogger should feel greatly amused that someone else has taken time out of their own lives and shown interest in theirs. Of course this doesn’t make insulting the person back legitimate. It just provides more comic relief. ?

Blogging definitely has its benefits. It’s just a real pity that there are people out there who’d like nothing more than to exploit it. Insults or no, I won’t stop blogging.

Thank you all for your kind words. I know you guys really mean well and I know you care. This really is something that I'll have to deal with on my own. But things are most definitely looking better than they did this morning. I'm just equally as drained I guess. Haven't any real patience to blog now. Tired... Haha

What happens when you wake up one day feeling completely empty. Like everything you thought was true was a lie and there is nothing left to pick you up again. I fell asleep last night feeling like that, I woke up this morning feeling the same way. I hadn't eaten but still felt like throwing up. It's probably just the debris of last weeks events. It's like my whole body is aching all over again. At least I haven't actually thrown up yet. Bring it on I guess. It's nothing I haven't dealt with.

I still don't want to worry. I still want to be happy. I still want to lead that carefree, happy life that so many people have. I don't want things to be rubbed in my face. I thought I could be happy. I'm trying so hard to be happy damnit... But somehow... It's not quite working. All because... well... yea...

Yes I'm still awake. Was still trying to save my brother's laptop.
This is the first time I've tried so hard to do something and got thwarted by a stupid virus.
If it's any consolation I got to spend time with my brother. That I sorely missed. The two of us bitching about the stupidity of electronics and how reliant we are on them. I love you man... I don't ever want to lose you.

I walk a lonely road. Most of the time, I am alone. But at others, I've got my stupid angel with me. I mean I hear about such wonderful relationships all the time. Where people do love each other and people do care about each other. And I sit and wonder why is it that no matter what I do I can't seem to have that. I wish I did. I really wish I did.

Eliza wrote me another testimonial today. This is a bit of what she said "She listens, she can go mad, she can get impatient,
but at the end of the day, she cares. She has had her share of hard knocks in life but she manages in between her busy life to make time for friends... Though I must say she always finds herself in trouble. She needs a Man who will fill her deepest desires and I hope one day she will find that Man. A Man who not only takes care of her, and loves her, but shows her that the best sort of love is the heavenly sort." One thing I can say I disagree with is I don't need someone who can fill my desires. I just need someone who cares enough to stick around. Someone who cares enough to try and help me. I just want someone who won't leave. Is that so difficult. I mean sure I've got tonnes of friends but in the end, they have their own lives and their own relationships to go to. I just think it's sad that there are people like Jed and whoever it is he's with are getting married but his fiance is so insecure about ME and I'm not even doing anything. I'm just trying to live my life as best as I can even though I'm perpetually worried about one thing or another. Please, I'm graduating. I don't want to have spent the whole of my final year in Mass Comm having to worry about Jed or watching my back because whoever Jed is with now isn't happy with me. I'm this close damnit. In fact, I'm not just about to graduate from Ngee Ann Mass Comm. I'm about to be an Undergrad. And yes, that is a big deal to me.

I just want to be happy. Is that so difficult? Do you have to keep standing in my way? Honestly people, please, why can't you just leave me be. I hate fighting and I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to live the good life. For once. Is that too much to ask of you?

I ask you to be honest
I ask you not to lie
I ask you to be true to me
I'm not asking you to die.

"You fucking ass fucking hole
Where the fuck are you?
You fucking love me?
Yea, mother fuckin lie
Where the fuck are you?
Fucking some fucking groupie bitch?
Goodbye
Fuck off
You know what? I hope your fucking dick fucking falls off
And when that happens maybe you'll have some fucking time for me you mother fuckin ass hole.
Don't call me anymore, don't cry, don't beg, don't call at all. Not me. Bye"

amusing shit haha

Why do you say one thing and do another? It's fucking irritating. Why damnit, why. Why do you keep screwing things over. It's just the way you are isn't it? Are you just out to mess people up? Coz it sure as fucking hell looks like it bitch. It sure as fucking hell looks like it. Thus I have nothing to say. Nothing to say at all. I swear I wish I could slap you so hard that you'd take a good look at everything that you've done. I feel stupid for giving a fuck when clearly you don't. I'm throwing everything away all over again because you fucking can't stay sane. Stop it. Just fucking stop it. Please. I'm begging you. This is bloody hard enough as it is. I don't want to have to wake up every fucking morning (more likfe afternoon) and have to go through the same thing all over again. In all honesty, 9 months of torture is fucking long enough. I begin to understand what being pregnant is like. Only I've just had to deal with it with you.

Today was my first day of rest. I was hoping that NOBODY would bug me about school or work. But I get a call from home saying that someone messaged me like 3-4 times asking about some notes. Here I am thinking, I offered to send it to you but really you don't have to badger me right... sigh...

Also today, I had a nice conversation with Nas. Well that went well. Improved my mood quite a bit. I was talking to a whole lot of people most of whom annoyed the living shit out of me by making noise about how i shouldn't be resting yet and how I should be doing this and that. I'm like FUCK OFF!! Argh!!

So in talking to so many people about so many things, I thought I'd be more relaxed but in the end, I'm a lot more stressed out. *sigh* Why does everything have to be so messy... I mean I thought things would be ok. but you know what, they ARE going to be ok. They are. Because... Well... Just take my word for it aight?

This has been a VERY interesting week. I met up with old friends and went for hype 20 at Rouge. It was kinda blah... but the company was good :) I didn't sleep that night. (heck, I didn't sleep the night before!) I spent a good part of the night trying to understand the meaning of the entire concept of love. I don't understand it at all. I mean if you say you love someone, then you plain would want them to be happy right? That's what I thought. But I wonder if I'm the last person on earth who thinks that. Therefore my current status is warped again. I'm not sure where I am heh...

Alicia's engagement party was fun. A little awkward at first as it normally is when different social groups come together. But all the same, after MANY sticks and MANY a drink, all was well. Until we started talking about a whole bunch of depressing things. Although I must say, one of Ian's friends, Damien, was really really nice. We have the same odd music taste and the same nocturnal tendancies. The sad part is, a week of not having enough sleep really was taking it's toll on me so I couldn't really talk much. I would have liked to though... Ah well... he's got my number and my email add so... Yea... :)

I still say that Ian and Alicia should totally go goth for their wedding! :) It would be the funnest most controversial wedding ever man! It would soo rock!

Oh... Today was my last day of school. I'm gonna miss it soo much. I really wanna go back one day and see everyone again... But chances are, I won't get to. Sad huh... I'm really gonna miss the dark room and even the news room. I'll miss bitching with Prasad and Celia. I'll miss smoking outside SIM and hanging out with Jon, Li, Cia, Judy... I'll miss the perpetual love-hate relationship Geoff and I put on show. :P Never thought I'd say it but I really am going to miss Ngee Ann and Mass Comm. I still stand by the insanely biased statement that Ngee Ann's Mass Comm diploma program is the BEST in the entire world. It's brought together such a motley crew who I never want to part with. I'll really miss hanging with Karol, Durga and Amelia (China GirL! :P)

I love you guys loads. And just coz I didn't put your name there doesn't mean I love you any less... Good luck for the exams babes, and may your future be less bleak than mine.

Ok, IDM is nearly there, PhotoJourn is a matter of going out and getting it done now and SP... Well SP isn't too bad (I hope) I've just got to get my appendix together. Haha! Oh well... Ultimately things are going better now. :)

And tonight, Rouge party! w00t! And tomorrow's presentations! And then one last exam (of which I'm not really that worried about) but yea, I'm gonna make it. I really am gonna make it!

Did I mention that I totally love this song? :D And I'm growing increasingly obsessed with Damien Rice heh

I don't know if I said this before but I think I'm beginning to understand my self diagnosed depression. I wonder if I actually like it. I guess I can relate to what Elizabeth Wurtzle is saying.

She goes through scores of relationships in her youth while she's still seeing a psychiatrist. All because she lands up dating people who are in a strange way attracted to her depression. People who want to pamper her instead of show her the hard truth of life. It's kinda like me I guess. My relationships don't last coz I'm into that constant reassurance. But people tend to get sick of it don't you think?

Well, I'm in a better state now than I've ever been before. Maybe I'm finally learning something from the messes I keep getting myself into. It's like a drug. Heh. Let's hope this one turns out alright. :)

Geoff abd I conclude, we are very tired. And we sick of hearing those stupid tympany sounds that we landed up using for Chinese New Year's E-cards. And I swear, if I have to hear those damned fire crackers go off AGAIN, I'll KILL SOMEONE! For real. People people people, the song on my blog is faab!! Yes I know some of you think it's super lame and shit but hey, as far as I'm concerned it is MY BLOG. I choose what goes in haha! :)

And please lar, fuckers, my tag board is for my FRIENDS to tag not you lot to come and make noise about nothing! Sheesh. Go do whatever you want with whoever you want, just leave me alone for crying out loud.

Anyways, things are looking up now. I look forward to the party on Thursday!! Oh ya, I'll be staying over at Geoff's on Wed night so if u need to reach me, you know who to call. But then again my laptop's coming with me so not to worry hahahaha! :)

I've been running away. It's very clear that I have been and still am. But it's not as hard as it used to be. To breathe I mean.

Gotta run. Heading to Geoff's now. Have to be diligent. Have to get my work done. After all, I've got a little over 48 hours to finish everything don't I? Oh dear....

Hey ya'll... I know I'm sposed to have been on hiatus and all but just wanted to say I'm sorry. I've had a very rough week. In fact month. Or should I say year. Thing's aren't as peachy keen as they seem.

Just thought I should say that.

I'm archiving. Don't expect me to post for a bit until i figure out what and how I want to use this.

I refer you to my previous post, I wash my hands off you. And by you, I mean ALL the people I've ever dated (except you coz you my bitch! ehehe) And all this Jed nonsense has got to stop. I went out with the guy for what, a month? I don't know who's out there posing to be him because he doesn't do blogs. And his wife? Sheesh, people be original will ya?

1. whoever it is, it's not Jed
2. whoever it is, it's not whoever's out to marry Jed (etc)
3. whoever it is, they're really pissing a lot of people off


oh and something totally off topic, if you want to think I'm being childish so be it. But still you're the one who's jumping to conclusions. You expect me to givea a damn about you when you don't give a damn about me.

*sigh* All this anonymous rubbish is really beginning to amuse me man... :) And now one by one my friends are all getting in on it. Oh well... I can only guess who it is, but you're in too deep little girl... I suggest you crawl back into your hole and pray that you never run into or mess with me or mine ever again. This time, it's as clear as day that you started it and not me. And if it's not you, then sorry. But really, it's all pointing in your direction and things are just getting really out of hand aren't they. Let's just make it simple. The Jed supporters stop, we stop got it?

I'm still reading Prozac Nation. Yes, I'm still reading it. So I'm a slow reader. Who cares, I've been piled with work and busy with boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, social lives etc etc etc for almost ever. Since June last year and I'm in desperate need of a break. A long break. Perhaps one where I won't have to come back from. I guess I was wrong about Wurtzle. Eliza warned me but I didn't listen haha... Beginning to get more paranoid and depressed than ever.

I'm one of those strange people that wants to die but is too afraid to do it. No, it's not weird, it's an actual condition. I begin to think that I need help. And unlike some people I know (or don't for that matter) I can admit that I'm troubled. I am. And I wish that I could get help. Most people in my position would probably have gotten help by now but somehow I didn't.

You'd think with my perfect life and being 'spoiled' all the damned time like some people claim, I'd be happy. But... yea... you know.

As difficult as it may be for me and as many times as I have said it before. I wash my hands off you. you are nothing to me. Not now, not ever. Good ridance. Because I have no time to waste on someone who doesn't even make an effort for themselves, i.e. you. All you do is go about your ways... You know what, forget it. You're not even worth my blogging about.

I shouldn't be bothered by you but I am.
I should be more worried about graduating but I'm not.
I don't understand why everything you say and do affects me so much. I mean really, why. I never got it. I don't know why I can't just let things be. One minute you say one thing the next you say something else... I'm just grateful that Matthew never saw this side of me. But it's a pity that I didn't go out with him. One of the few most genuine people I have ever met. Quite far off from where you are perhaps? I'm not trying to send you on a guilt trip. It's fucking impossible.

6 days MeL, just 6 more days...

"A mere mention leaves me in shambles. Or at least it used to. Now I find solice in other things. My work, my music, my loves. You are but nothing to me. And you should not let me or anyone destroy your happiness. There is no room for you in my life anymore. You have no place here."

I woke up and found that written on a piece of scrap paper and a pen still in my hand. Written in my handwriting as well. Quite shocking really. I had quite a multitude of interesting dreams. For one I dreamt of smoking with you by the window in your room, I dreamt of smoking with my parents (who by the way either have never or have given up smoking). I remember a wedding. Mine. And this time the dress was white. I'd never seen such a gorgeous dress in my life and trust me I've seen quite a few. I saw my friends. But not all of them. There were a few missing. My brother was there with Addie and Adam. I could see everyone. Almost. I could feel your lips against mine, my small ring around your little finger. Quite amusing to say the least. I woke up with a strange smile on my face and a tear on my cheek.

Love transcends time and distance. I found out something else just yesterday. I found out that not all love no matter how happy is true. It hurts quite a bit to find out that the people you thought you knew have become something else. Not even someone. Something. Sad isn't it? What's even more appaling is the fact that you get pissed off with me for 'lying' when I never did where here you are doing just that. Just sitting there. I hate your games. But I love your company. I don't care about the past or anything. For crying out loud, we're friends aren't we? Really, won't you even give us that? Your choice. I don't care anymore. You can do whatever you want.

Imagine, I've got all this happening and still I need to shoot love. I need to find love.

Watched Freddy VS Jason at Rick's. Haha. Stupid movie. Compeltely plotless and just all about blood really. I still say Freddy won considering he's the only one with a cerebral cortex. (Or part there of....) Although I happen to agree with you, horror movies these days are totally plotless it's stupid. ANYWAYS, who cares eh?

It was nice to know that SOME PEOPLE had nothing to do today coz they took MC hur hur hur... But I went to class. And I had a very bad day. I nearly killed my negatives AGAIN. Sigh... I hope it turns out alright.... Damnit.... But if it makes much of a difference, I've got ONE WEEK OF SCHOOL LEFT!!!!! And I've got the hype party at Rouge this Thursday. By the way, it's at Rouge and the tickets are going for $10 in advance or $12 at the door. The ticket entitles you to one free house pour a goody bag if you're one of the first 100 and a lucky draw. So seriously, dress your best and come down to celebrate with hype's 20th!!!!! Whee!! I'm blardy advertising for them man haha!

Well, here's to a better week. Just SEVEN more days till I have NO MORE SCHOOL!!!! w00t!!

MeL out :)

I've learned so many things in the past week. For example, how easy it is to lie and manipulate. How easy it is for me to find someone to pamper and treat like a God.

And how easy it is to simply love. Unconditionally. It's so simple to stop trusting someone and how difficult it is to trust someone who you've spent what seems like forever trying to forget or hate. Audrey came over the other day and I was doing one of those quizzes and there was this one question that I asked myself out loud. "Are you seeing anyone" Haha! She automatically said no. I wonder... I wonder whether I should have considered the other option without just clicking no. I mean I am kind of seeing someone new. I wonder what I'd have clicked had I been on my own.

I've spent almost all of my life having my answers spoon fed or sometimes force fed. Always having someone looking over my shoulder. And for the first time, I'm not yearning for freedom. I'm waiting and watching for that day when I'll be able to stand on my own, proudly exclaiming that I'm ok. That I really didn't need anyone to stand with me.

In a strange way, I think it's already here and people are eating my dust. Nice isn't it? To have come so far.

What really makes me smile though are my brothers being so proud of me. When Rick said that he only had one best friend, it dawned upon me that our bond was possibly more. I'm his sister. And blood runs deep. Call me an ego maniac but those were among the thoughts running through my mind. An old friend of mine said something like that to me too. Heh. Even my own biological brother is watching over me. Watching me become a whole new person every day. I would've loved to have him with me in Melbourne as siblings pursuing degrees. But I understand that I've got to do this on my own.

I've come this far with so much support, I'd hate to disappoint my loves now.

PS: 9 days to go. Goodbye to the place I once loved. To the people I've met and worked with. To the people I cared about. To the person I loved. Good bye.

Just watch me.
I'll disappear right before you eyes.

BEAUTIFUL ICE PRINCESS/PRINCE .You need distance
between you and your partner in your
relationship. You are very difficult to get.
You have big requirements and this one you love
must try hard to get you. But after she/he melt
your heart she/he will be the most happy person
in the world. You need someone who shoes you
that you are special and it makes you feel
good to see that you are loved. She/He shall
know that you could easily get another
girl/boyfriend but you wont as long as you
love him. when she/he hurts you you will hurt
him too, but in general you dont get hurt. If
your partner cheated you ,you would react cold
and immediately (try to) forget him
PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.


~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

I know I've been really angsty and quite unreasonable these past couple of days. But just to let you guys know, I'm ok again. I heard this song and it just made me feel all mushy and stuff. I know it's Clay Aiken and I know a lot of you guys really can't stand the guy but I still think he's great and generally adorable. Well, the song made me feel loads better so hey, you gotta give it some credit right?

Just think, just 10 days to go and I'll wave goodbye to the place I called home for almost 3 years of my life. I know I said I hated it sometimes and loved it the rest but I will really miss Ngee Ann. I'll miss all the memories and friends I made. I'll definitely miss sitting outside SIM or KAP with Jon and Cia or just storming about campus with Geoff making fun of everyone and everything in sight. I'll really miss it all.

Tomorrow morning when you wake up
And the sun does not appear
Ah ha-a-ah I, I will be here

If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause ah ha-a-ah I, I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
Ah ha-a-ah I, I'll be here

As sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So ah ha-a-ah I, I will be here

I will be here
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the one who gave you to me
Ooh ooh ooh
Ah ha-a-ah I, I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
'Coz ah ha-a-ah I, & ha-I will be here
We'll be together forever
'Coz I will be here
I will be here

Sigh... Why didn't you just tell me. Why did you have to hide it. I thought I could trust you but apparently not. Your loss kiddo, not mine. I'm not going to even try to help you anymore. You are on your own. Don't bug me. Heh.

Met Rick and Drey today. It's been a long while since I've had someone to talk to the way we spoke Rick. It's been a long while since people have just shut up listened and weren't judgmental. For once someone had the guts to tell me that yes, they love me but ultimately they cannot fight my battles for me. It's been a while since I felt that someone cared that much. And even longer since I've been treated like someone's baby sister. (Haven't been speaking to Melvyn in a while la... Keep coming home very stoned or very late)

To the anonymous whoevers, no I will not give you the joy of watching me crumble or watching me take things off my blog and especially not give you the pleasure of making me take my tag board down. It's not something that I would do. In fact, they idea that you lot are tagging my board masquerading as my ex-boyfriend or the fact that you've decided to hurl insults at me is really pathetic seeing that you can't even say it to my face. I have my suspicions and a list of people who probably can't stand me but I doubt it's them. I doubt they'd sink that low. Besides, it's widely known that these people really don't like me as it is. Why tag anonymously? It's really really stupid and dumb. It's really quite sad that you haven't the guts to say it to my face. And the idea that you're trying so hard to sound like this other person I know (who I happen to have nothing against whether he/she hates me or not) is really degrading on your part. Really, if this person really wanted to thrash it out with me, they already would have by now. So like I said, come off your 'high' pedestal coz you're only doing yourselves in by thinking that I'll be affected by your 'tags'. In fact losers, it's quite entertaining.

And Jed, if it really was you, then I am sorry. I didn't mean to tell you to fuck off. But at least give me some kind of hard proof that it's you. After so long, you know me too well and I know you just as well. I know it's not in your nature to tag blogs let alone read them. You never read mine anyways. It was the one place where I could say how happy or unhappy I was whether it was because of you or not. You know how to reach me.

Oh btw, if you, the anonymous losers would like to reach me, I'm contactable at redrealm@undying-equilibrium.com I don't care if you want to flame me or send me stupid little viruses. I'm not daunted by you one bit.

I hate everything about you.
I hate the way I don't hate you.
I hate the things you say.
I hate seeing you upset.
I hate it when you get things you don't deserve.
I hate you for being that way.
I hate it that I can't give up on you.

I suppose I am happy.
I suppose I can breathe.
I suppose I could love you.
I suppose I ought to know.
I suppose you CBF.
I suppose you know I saw.
I suppose you still think I can live like this.
I suppose you think you're all that.
I suppose you want to have your fun.
I suppose you aren't going to do anything like you promised.
I suppose you lied.
I suppose you thought you could lie.
I suppose you think you're fucking perfect.
I suppose you aren't perfect at all.
I suppose I like you because of your imperfection.
I suppose I shouldn't love you.
I suppose I can't get rid of you.
I suppose I don't want to get rid of you.
I suppose you don't care about me at all.
I suppose I'll have to push you away.
I suppose it'll be the hardest thing I've ever done.
I suppose I'll have to tell you that I love you but can't be with you.
I suppose you're just like the irritation that is Lana Lang and Clark Kent and Smallville in general.
I suppose you think I'm crazy.
I suppose I am crazy.
I suppose you want to disappear.
I suppose you will again.
I suppose I hate you.

It's common knowledge that I left the church choir a very long time ago. In fact... I kinda left after Christmas last year. I remember telling Angie and Ash about how I wasn't coming back anymore. It's really saddening to see how authoritarian everything has become. The sad thing about me is, when I first joined, it was like i had a reason to go to church and it was really nice. I enjoyed mass knowing that I was actually doing good. So much has happened and changed since then. It seems like I died at the age of 13 and have been a walking zombie since, breaking promises I made to the people I love the most and even to myself.

Today in a sense was really an eye opener. In fact, this whole weekend has been. And all the more now I find that I'm not so afraid of leaving anymore. All the more I realize that as much as some of you have tried to convince me otherwise, I am being used. I don't like the feeling of putting so much into something and hoping for the best and then you just get slapped in the face because you find out that it was all for nothing. Btw, I'm not sure if I'm sorry I slapped you. You deserved it. But still I feel bad.

About the choir. I left. I washed my hands off HALMM a long time ago. Sure, if you guys want to delete me from the list go right the fuck ahead. Not many people know why I've left and I don't feel the need to justify myself to anyone. When you don't feel like you belong anymore, that's when you stop.

Btw babes, no, I wasn't home this weekend. I went to Luke's party and then crashed at another friends' place. Even that was chaotic. But hey, I've still got a few people who haven't yet disappointed me.

Hey Hayl, hang in there aight? You're brother loves you. He just doesn't know how to show it.

Because you are the biggest idiot I have ever met and I still wonder why in God's name I'm sitting here with you and still hanging out with you and still trying to fool myself that you're not the idiot you are. You STUPID FUCKER!!! :)