I Love You

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? Maybe I'm trying too hard? It can't be so difficult can it? It honestly can't be this difficult. I refuse to believe that things are ever too difficult for a person to deal with. And if I could over come that which I did last night than I can overcome anything. I know that I've changed. I know I'm not the same girl you once knew. But did it ever occur to you that just maybe you had no idea who I was to begin with? All I can say is, I'm trying my best to be me. As me as me can get. And you know what? I've never been happier. Even though it looks like I'm not as happy as I used to be, I can safely and honestly say that I'm at my best. This is going to work out just fine. Everything is going to be ok now. All I can ask for, is the same thing I told a dear friend of mine just yesterday. Should anything happen, don't forget me. I love you. You know who you are and that's enough for me.

Perhaps I never gave up on love at all. Because... Well... How can you give up on you? I have people that will love me to the end. And that darlings, is my fairy tale. And I'm already living it.

I've been so out of it this semester. I don't know what's up with that. I don't think it should be that much of a problem. Being sociable. But... Somehow it is isn't it? I'm trying?

Oh, thanks for reading Amran!! :)

"And I don't want the world to see me coz I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am"

- Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls

someone, please... save me

I just got back. To my shitty pseudo living space. I don't think anyone understood what I said when I said I wanted to go home. I don't think anyone understood me at all. For the record, I'm NOT upset. And I'm not depressed. I'm fine. I just miss home. My real home. Where my real life is. The girl that lives in Melbourne is just a part of me. And few understand what it's like when I'm home. Where it matters. Where it really counts.

I guess it's important that I'm here. I've gone and added so much pressure on to myself it's not funny. I care about people too much. I care about people that matter but the one thing that gets me is that I care about those that don't as well.

Einstein's was.... boring. I was going to walk back alone but Dustin pulled me back haha. Dustin and Daniel. (I'm sorry Luke, I know I promised but I just... well... you know) I just... didn't feel like alcohol was going to take away the things that are on my mind. I just don't think that... well... Yea. I'm alright. Really I am. I just have to make a decision. And it's not an easy one. And I know I've put it off for far too long. Nearly 5 years to be exact. And I realise that it's the one thing that keeping me from what is mine. And I know that a lot of you will be sceptical about it. But just like Jada told me. You're my best friends. If you won't believe me, than who will? Who else am I going to be able to run to? Who else?

Jon, you know don't you? You've felt it haven't you? I... I have to do this. You know I must. I love you very much. And I realise that my decision will affect things. And things aren't ever going to be the same again but it has to be done. For all of us. I'm sorry. I hope you understand. I hope you know that I love you very much too. In fact, I'm going to call. It's still early in Singapore. I just hope you're there.

dark side of the moon

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. My love, yes you, there's something that I didn't tell you that I must. It's just about me and no one else. I just need to make it clear that I'm not what I seem. But then again no one quite is are they?

And just so everyone knows, I don't think I can drink anymore. MY tolerance has gone to hell. My blood brain barrier is... well from semi permeable I think it may have become totally permeable. Is that possible babe? I for one don't think it is. Yes, I'm a contradiction. I say one thing and I do the next. I don't know anymore. You were right, something IS wrong. Something is very wrong with me. And... I just miss you. And I'm beginning to miss home. I want... Dying sounds like an option but I'm not about to commit suicide. If it happens then well... Know that I love you.

So far so good. Things are going quite well now. :) I begin to believe that some times moving off to your own space and doing your own thing isn't such a good idea after all. But that is that and everything is better than it was before.

I love talking to people. And iHouse gives me that chance to get out there and make something of myself that I found hard to do in Singapore. Perhaps it's not just iHouse but Uni itself. One day I'll make something of myself. And it'll be something that I'll be proud of. I might not be strong enough to get there right now, but some day you'll see. Someday you'll see the real me. And for once, when that day comes, I'll be proud of the person I see in the mirror. But for now, I'm still a little lost and still quite misguided. But eventually, people change.

Uni yesterday was tiring. I know I only go to class 5 hours a week coz I skip 3 hours of lectures. Perhaps I should buck up and just go to them too. But the mere thought of a 7 hour day scares me. Well, I can't blame anyone but myself eh? But here's my logic. I like having all my tutorials on one day. That way, I know I won't skip them because I'm too lazy. I'm the kind of person that likes to get the important things out of the way so I can sit and enjoy life. And while I say this I've got 3 assignments sitting on my table waiting to be started. And it is my personal goal to start them TODAY. TODAY you hear me? TODAY I will finish the first draft of my psych report. And I will start writing my film critique. AND I will start to work on my Sociology paper. That's right. I'm going to start all my work. If I can tear myself away from The Dreaming and the Playstation. Heh.

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
- Oscar Wilde
1854 - 1900

Which Tarot Card Are You?

You are the Moon card. Entering the Moon we enter the intuitive and psychic realms. This is the stuff dreams are made on. And like dreams the imagery we find here may inspire us or torment us. Understanding the moon requires looking within. Our own bodily rhythms are echoed in this luminary that circles the earth every month and reflects the sun in its progress. Listening to those rhythms may produce visions and lead you towards insight. The Moon is a force that has legends attached to it. It carries with it both romance and insanity. Moonlight reveals itself as an illusion and it is only those willing to work with the force of dreams that are able to withstand this reflective light. Image from: Stevee Postman. http://www.stevee.com/
Take this quiz!

I just had a very amusing conversation about jealousy. It's understandable that you're jealous of your girlfriends ex's. But dude, really, you spend so much time with her she doesn't have any other time away from you. Sometimes people do need space. I'd like to think that what I said might have helped but I doubt it. Coz all we said was, yea Mel what do you know. You've not been in a serious relationship in such a long time. And even then, what more do you know about jealousy.

Well, because you're still a 'friend' (even though you're seriously pushing it now), I'll tell you and the rest of the people who care to read. I have been jealous. I've had people think that their boyfriends are cheating on them with me even when I'm completely harmless. I've had my closest friends question me. So what do you think? Do you think that I don't know? Do you want to know why I've not been with someone in a while? I'll fucking tell you why, because I don't want to. Sure sometimes I think it would be NICE to be in love and all that jazz but for God's sakes, I DON'T WANT IT. Nor do I need it.

If you think I've never felt insecure then you really don't know me at all now do you? No, you don't know me as well as you'd like to believe.

Will you tell me what exactly have I done wrong? I didn't steal my friends' boyfriends nor have I ever had the intention or thought of it! I was truthful in everything that I said to you. Not once have I ever lied or even have a reason to. And your undying faith in me is so refreshing. But let me tell you this, if you want to talk, then talk. If you are going to make assumptions and accusations then don't even bother. Coz as much as I value this friendship, I will not tolerate you insulting me or my friends or even my ex-boyfriends.

But I'll say this. At least you had the guts to come out and tell me why you were miffed at me. Even though I didn't do anything, at least you came out and told me as opposed to pretending to be my friend when deep down you can't stand me.

I wish my thoughts could be heard. I wish I had the courage to say the things that I mean. Because in reality, I can't. I'm going out of my way not to hurt people. I'm going against every thing I stand for to keep to myself. It's quite uncharacteristic of me isn't it? It's not the first time. In fact I hate having to be this way. But... this time it's going to be very different. I will not be played and I will not be toyed. So yea, now do you have something to say to me? Or are you going to play that card all over again?

Goodbye What If

I've just been a walking time bomb these days. I'm feeling a lot better though. And it's about time I start taking charge of my life right? A bunch of people are going to St. Kilda later. I'm not sure if I'm going to go with them though. I know I have this insane need to go out and do things but... Some how I think my need to go out has just transferred itself into my need to go back to Hush. How pathetic is that?? Sheesh!

I suppose I need to get started on something new. I'm not sure what just yet. I've been playing FFX-2 again. I've been playing nearly every day now. And I think you were right. I know you were right but I'm beginning to see it materialise now. I'm just taking aspects of myself and twisting it aren't I? I haven't changed at all. And come to think of it, maybe it isn't such a bad thing to stick to being me and just dropping things that I stopped doing or liking.

Yesterday, we went to Chapel Street on the pretenses of having coffee. I on the other hand decided I wanted a Stella. Hehe. So that made last nights roll of drinks 3 sex on the beaches, a hoegaarden and a stella. Not too bad actually. But I must put a cap on the drinking habits. I'm going to drink myself insane if I don't eh? I guess... I'm looking forward to you coming. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. But at the back of my mind lies the fear that something might happen and you won't be able to come. It's something that I land up having with regards to almost every thing. It's the what if it doesn't happen. What if what if what if. There's one thing I want to drop. The What if's. And we all know I'm going to need a substantial amount of luck for that. But hey, I think I can do it so there.

I officially don't know who I am anymore. I never thought I could sink as low as I have. But guess what, start laughing people coz I fell. And guess what. This time, it was by choice. sometimes you get too caught up in things. And you know it's going to happen and you just let it.

My life isn't my own anymore.

I went to the gym and did laundry this morning. Surprised yet?
What the fuck right?

I'm getting desperate. I need to find me. I feel like I've become someone who lives for other peoples' ideals and failures.

But most importantly, I've become the person that I hate the most. So if any of you decide to hate me too, I wouldn't be surprised.

Who am I? I don't recognise the girl in the mirror anymore. Who is this person staring back at me? Can it really be me? Have I changed that much? I do know that when I first cut my hair I looked completely different but this time it's a little strange. I see hell in my eyes. It's weird.

I have come to realise that I am not the beautiful person I am on the inside. I know that I am flawed and I have many faults. But I'm at least grateful that I still have people that care about me. And I know it might take a while for me to really be the person that you all can be proud of but you know me. I've not anything worth recognition. And I'm not even trying. I know I know, I know what you're going to say. You're going to say that maybe I should.

My life is still in limbo at the moment. I still don't quite know what I want or how to get it. It's going to take quite a bit of time I think. I'm sick of answering questions to things that I have no real answer for. I mean, if I just feel tired, then I feel tired. There's no two ways about it is there? Sometimes I think that I ask for trouble. I'm the trouble tape. As opposed to fly tape or whatever it is it's supposed to be called.

As it turns out I'm relatively moody today. I keep getting asked very STUPID questions. I know you're concerned, really I do. But sometimes I really don't know how to answer your questions and it gets annoying. Really mom I love you and all but it's just one of those days. Entire body is feeling irritable. Perhaps it's because I'm trying so damned hard to alleviate tension when sometimes it's not even worth it. I'm just too proud sometimes and when I give in... It just makes me look like I don't give a damn when in actual fact, I care so much that I don't want to fight.

I'm trying so hard to be nice. I'm trying very hard not to get involved. I'm trying. But I don't know what I should be doing. My mind is so scattered right now. I don't want things to have to be this pressurising. Let's face it, I make them pressurising don't I? I'm so totally doing this to myself. Sometimes I think I care too much. And sometimes I think that it's not worth it at all.

I think... That this 'independence' has made me even more dependent on others. I need to get out there and do things. I need to make something of myself. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I just need to be... well... me.

five six seven eight

People are beautiful aren't they? They inspire you to be all you can be and they make you feel like you're worth someone's while.

On the flip side they can make you feel like you're not worth anything at all.

So which is it? The notion of love is wrought is opinions and superficiality. Sometimes you aren't in love and you convince yourself that you are and that you can't live without someone. But how do you really know and do you have to validate yourself to those that you call friends? I don't think so and yet it is these 'friends' who look at you and see the change and without thinking they pass judgement on you. And sometimes it's the worse feeling on earth. That suddenly the people you thought you could trust are just looking at waiting for you to fall. What then loves? What then?

Love begins to look like a Five String Serenade. Perfectly flawed but perfect in that way. Love is an emotion that is hard to express. Infatuation is an emotion often mistaken for as love. Sometimes caring about a person enough to want to know how they're doing can be mistaken for either of the thoughts. And sometimes you can't tell which of the 3 it is.

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water we’ve played
And while I’m playing for you
It could be raining there too

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water we’ve played
And while I’m playing for you
It could be raining there too

And on my easel I drew
While I was thinking of you
And on the roof of my head
In came my five string serenade

His is my five string serenade
Beneath the water we’ve played
And while I’m playing for you
It might be raining there too

And on my easel I drew
While I was thinking of you
And on the roof of my head
In came my five string serenade

This is my five string serenade
Beneath the water we’ve played
And though I’m playing for you
It might be raining there too
This is my five string serenade

Five String Serenade - Mazzy Star

I Hate It Here

It's just one of those days where things just pass you by and you wish that you were alone even though what you really want is someone to talk to. It's like being surrounded by people everywhere only to find that you don't really want to sit with them in that awkward silence.

I don't know what's really wrong this time. I know that something is bothering me but I can't quite tell what it is. I know that I have a lot of work to do but I've gone and found myself in a rut. Why do you want to talk to me when all you do when I'm there is talk to someone else. Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't here at all. Sometimes I wish that I could just disappear. I suppose it's a down side to living among so many people. Sometimes you just want to be alone and you want to be able to do your own thing without people coming and bothering you. You feel invisible and then suddenly you really are and everything people are saying is just noise that you can't filter out.

I'm in a country where I can't help but feel this way. I haven't exactly got a back up plan when things like this happen. It's not like I can suddenly call the people that I really do want to talk to. It's not like they've got nothing to do. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. And if this is really what I wanted. Because it doesn't feel like it. Last semester... was infinitely more fun than this. I can only make so much of an effort to be around. I know these people and the things they say. They say the things that sound nice when the look in their eyes betrays the words of their mouths. Why is it so hard to just be real. Why do I suddenly feel like I'm just a puppet in a sick game.

Don't ask me things that you don't want to know. Don't look at me. Don't talk to me if you've got nothing nice to say. In fact, why don't you just disappear? It's not like we're really going to be there for each other for the rest of our lives right? You ask for my honest opinion and I give it to you. So if I'm not your friend then... Get out of my face and out of my head. It's not going to do either of us any good isn't it? It's not going to help anyone.

So I'm a girl that needs a lot of support. Yes, I crumble. Yes, I'm fragile. And I'm not strong all the time. I don't want to be. I can't be. I have no intention of being strong all the time. But the way you people look at me, the way you talk to me, makes it look so superficial, like none of it matters at all. So take what you want of me and just go. Because everyone's out there looking for someone who can enrich their lives. And the minute you can't, they leave. So what makes any of this any different?

I begin to loathe. I HATE the fact that my life and the things that I have done has become idle banter or jokes or worse yet, the latest gossip. I don't expose your secrets to the world and I'd appreciate it if you'd STOP talking about me. So I believe in things that you may not. So I do strange things that defy what you deem as normal. IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. You keep telling me to pick myself up you keep saying that I can do it. And yet behind my back you're already bad mouthing me to people that I once thought I could trust. No secrets? Is that your excuse? Well my life, is not public knowledge. I am not sociable. I am NOT likeable and I sure as hell am not your average idiot on the street so don't you dare think that I won't find out. Because guess what ass hole, I DID. It has NOTHING to do with you. You don't even know what really happened. And there was a reason that I never told you and what your doing now is only enforcing it. Doing this isn't making you any better a person. I begin to hate everything about this life that's slipping through my fingers. I want nothing more to do with it. I wish I could just die. Because I'd rather die then sit through every single fucking day having to listen to your sob stories of how this and that is happening and whatever. I'm sick of listening to you pity yourself when clearly you're not even helping yourself. I'm sick and tired of you trying to run my life for me when you can't even take charge of your own. The more you do this the more you turn into the kind of people I'm proud of hating. Hypocrites. Oh wait, you hate them too don't you. Doesn't that make you an even bigger one? You must be so proud of yourself.

some kinda friend

I feel invisible and totally unappreciated. I'm right here. I haven't run away. Sure, we all crash some times but you don't have to take it out on us. Yea, sometimes we just don't want to talk. Sometimes we accidentally exclude people. You don't see me complaining about it do you? You don't hear me fighting back at the insults you hurl at me. You don't even see that fighting spirit in my eyes any more. My patience to deal with you wears thin. Very very very thin.

I'm entitled to my own opinion aren't I? Don't I have a say in what I feel anymore? Because when it comes to you, I make it a bloody point to tip toe around you. And now I'm asking myself if it's worth it. Because it sure as hell doesn't seem to be doing either of us any good. It's only adding to your selfishness and my frustration.

the fun that awaits

STUPID SHIT HEAD!! SIF STEAL MY BESTFRIEND FROM ME!!!

hahaha just kidding dude. Awwwww 37 days!! I can't hardly wait!! I can't!! I can't!! It's gonna be so much fun... Dan Murpheys... St Kilda.... Vic Market... The clubs and the bars! w00t!! I miss you guys LOADS and LOADS!!

The only shitty thing about it is I'm going to miss them all over again. But... I guess that's alright. I get to spend one whole week with Kenny!! :)

Aight, I'm gonna go crack myself open a bottle and chill. Later!

All this talk about relationships and having kids and getting married is putting me in a strange mood. I mean... I've always thought that I'd have kids when I'm like what... 26? 27? And out of no where Jada says then you better hurry up and find yourself a husband. Oh wait, boyfriend. And then, she asks if I'd mind her setting me up with someone. Omg...

I don't know... My life is at a stand still at the moment. I'm not sure what's going to happen next. Know what I mean? But it's just making think about a lot of things. My mom got married when she was 21. My brother at 26. And I'm turning 21 this year. It's still too soon to say anything I guess? But it would be nice wouldn't it? To walk down the aisle with Lifehouse's You and Me playing? Oh sure, like that's gonna happen Mel. You don't even like anyone at the moment let alone want to marry anyone. Heh. But having said all that, I like weddings. And I guess it is every girl's dream to one day get married. Who knows these things anyways.

You're... is the size of a tampon?!



Hahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Is it humanly possible? Really? Is it? I can't believe. I refused to actually. And then... *cringe*

My throat hurts man... I can't smoke without it hurting but I can't not smoke or I'll get all edgy and shakey. Irritating isn't it?Perhaps I should go out and invest in a box of patches. Really. It's beginning to sound like the best idea now.

It was raining earlier. Poor girls. They're in school. Ah well... It's stopping already so I guess that shouldn't be that bad right? In light of new financial issues, we will not be having mexican night. So instead, I propose we buy chicken, potatoes and onions to eat with Japanese curry for dinner! w00t! Now doesn't that sound like a good idea? It so does to me. The thought of cooking isn't though. Not that I have much of an appetite any way. I love my new apartment to a degree. And the degree ends with the strange bugs and the fact that the kitchen is PHARKING SMALL! I mean come on, you have a 4 unit stove with the standing room availability for ONE. Where is the logic? WHERE?

The house is alright I guess. It's perpetually dirty though? And every night there are always people coming over. I guess that's good too know what I mean? But even then, it comes to a point where I'm too tired too early and I sleep with people outside, the tv on, my music running and the people upstairs who must think that their floor is a trampoline.

I was sitting in Jada's room earlier today where she told me that our friend, Alex (from Boston), over heard our acrobatic upstair neighbours complaining about us. They said that we talk on the phone at all hours so much so that they can't sleep. I would like to give them a piece of my mind. For God's sake, how often are any of us on the phone? Are they saying that we are incapable of decent conversational etiquette? Oh sure this, coming from the people who blast the tv? And this isn't the first time that they blast their television. On the rare occasions that I step out to the shitty patio, I hear the tv program as though it were playing right next to me. And even in the evenings when the guys and whoever are over to watch a dvd, we are constantly amused by the rhythmic stylings of the elephants from level 2. So let's hope that our hideous voices don't keep you up like the strange noises, that include beds that creak in time, strange vocal noises etc etc, do us.

I'm in no mood to study. Fuck it all.

listening to - Bran New Start by compendium
mood - irritated

bleach'd

We play our games using the same tactics. The same forms of deception and coy. That's what makes it difficult. Not everybody realises that we are all the same, no different in thinking than the other. It's funny how they can't seem to believe that someone else might be thinking the same thing they are.

I'm still sick by the way. It's annoying. I feel my throat slowly giving out on me. Ah the effects of chain smoking eh? What's a girl to do then. What's a girl to do? The ice cream from yesterday didn't do me any good.

I learnt something relatively interesting yesterday. Jada was saying that if you skip breakfast, you land up putting on weight. Now there's an interesting thought. How many of us are doing otherwise thinking it will help us lose weight? Amusing I'd say. Very amusing.

Tonight we're going to have Mexican night. I guess it'll be fun. But I'm in such a sorry state that I don't want to DO anything right now. I mean... I'm just so tired.

I would love however, to get my hands on the damned walkthrough for my Bleach game. I'm still STUCK. And it irritates me to no end.

I find myself breaking down. I really did take the wrong medications didn't I? I burned my thumb lighting my candles. I'm so drained and I don't know why. It's not so bad as I want to leave bad but still bad enough. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know I should go make lunch but... I'm not hungry.

Oh random thought, what is it like to be rejected by someone you don't even like? You know who I'm talking about. How about it? Did it work well for you? I hope it did. I was right. Jada was right.

I mourn for things I cannot understand. I grieve for those who have none. And for those who have everything they need and pray for the things they want, I offer them peace of mind. And as for myself, I ask for nothing because I have the only thing I really need. My faith.

It's been a long time since I've really prayed. As in REALLY wanted to pray. It's comforting in a strange way. More comforting to me now than it has ever been. And I find that I cannot ask for more. And if there should be one thing that I would ask for is strength to carry out that which must be done. Even though I have no knowledge of exactly what it is, I pray that when the times comes, my faith will not falter and God's strength will flow through me.

I know it sounds strange to you when I start talking like this. I don't know why I am but it gives me solace. It makes me serene. I want to discard my anger, hate and pain and move on to things that I can do. Things that I have to do. And yes, things that I want to do.

Someone asked me how I was and I said I was ok. I'm not good nor am I bad. I'm ok. And automatically this went into a discussion about a supposed guy that I apparently broke up with. I'd like to make it very clear now that there is no guy. None, nada, zip. Non-existant. I don't have one. I'm not saying that I need one or I want one. It would be nice but at this point I don't see any reason for it. It would be nice to have someone to call and talk to whenever and wherever but that's all it would be. Nice. Not necessary. Just nice.

I would like to be able to calm myself. I would like to erase this edgy feeling that engulfs me. It reeks and it suffocates me. I will have no part in it.

one step two step three step gone

What happens why you find yourself on the edge of reason with no intention of turning back? For me, life through me a line. My cynicism is slowly leaving me and I begin to see things very different that I used to.

You meet people who think you're the world. They say things to you and about you that they aren't even sure of. The things you talk about scare you because you don't really want to open up to a total stranger. At first it's a little scary and a little intriguing. And when it finally stops there that strange emptiness that you can't quite explain. Or worse when you find out that whoever it is isn't who you expected.

Life is just deceptive isn't it? But I got another chance so I guess I'll just make the most of it. I told someone that the beauty of love is knowing that there is someone out there who's better but still being happy and completely content where you are. I've not believed that more than I do now.

"And by the way you brought me here,
it makes me believe the best is still yet to come and I don't want to leave.
Forgive my hesitation but I'm learning to trust in you.
Help me to dream these dreams because I don't have a clue.

And if you'd be honest and say what you mean
you know I would promise I'd do anything
because I know that without you I'm giving it away."
- Giving it Away, Mae

Sometimes it just takes one song to describe everything. They have different meanings to different people. And this song in particular, makes me want to cry. I want to trust people. I really do. I want something substantial. Something real. And I some how can't see it happening. I suppose that's the way it looks all things considering. I don't even know if I'm ready myself. Chances are if I jump into something now it's going to end really terribly and I don't want that. We're friends. People whose paths have crossed. I have everything to lose here. And if you can't see that then it only reinforces everything that I just said. So unless there's something that can convince us that something real is going to come out of this then... yeah... I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I've just got too much on my mind now. And this flu/lethargy/whatever is really getting to me. I want... I don't know what I want. I can't look at things the same way anymore. I don't even know myself. I can't tell if I care about people as much as I used to.

I will say this. Millions of times if I have to. I love you guys. More than anything in this world.

And I'll just end off with something I said to Jada. "Don't let your nightmares take away your dreams."

and there was nothing

You seem happy. Exclaiming these little things that used to mean the world to me. I'm happy for you. But some times i still sit and wonder why it wasn't the same and why everything had to be such a secret.

I don't understand why people have to say such hurtful things to the people they claim to love. I don't see why they have to lie. I don't understand at all. I want to know why people just can't think before they say and do things. I mean... Is it so difficult? Or is it even easier to hurt others. I know that you don't believe half the things I say even though it's true. I don't expect you to believe what you can't see. I don't care actually. If you believe me or not. I am who I am. Nothing changes that. And if you can't accept it, then you're not a very good friend are you.

If it helps, last night I didn't dream about death. I did however, dream of being feverish and sitting in the middle of a field while a thunder storm rolled on. I couldn't move. I could only stare straight ahead. My mind was empty. I just stared at the lightning striking the ground. Surprisingly it didn't strike me. Here the thing though, when I woke up and pulled my blinds up, it had been raining outside.

Why can't you tell me what's going on? I thought we already went through all this. I thought that you'd give me that much respect to at least tell me instead of making me worry. Why can't you just tell me? Aren't I a part of it? Aren't I family? Don't you care? Maybe you do. Maybe you care so much that you don't wanna tell me anything. But even then, you should know me better than that. It's not like I'm not going to understand. And my hair isn't that long that I can just walk in somewhere and chop it off. Unless I go skin. But that's too drastic don't you think?

I don't want to be paranoid. But you guys aren't really giving me much of a choice here. You know what? I'm going to be ok. I'm not going to let myself falter because you choose not to include me in things that I am a part of.

In an experiment to help a friend sleep better, I destroyed my own sleep. How you may ask? I'll not say. But I will tell you about the dream. I was with Jon and Brian. Someone died and we were just there paying our respects. And suddenly Jon collapses and then it's like he's dead. And then one by one all of us just die as if we've been infected by some virus. Jada suddenly told me to cut away and leave the sadness behind and just wake up. I tried but I couldn't and suddenly I was all alone.

Another part of my dream sequence involved running away. In a mall if I'm not mistaken. With some really hot guy. But I landed up saying something about how I didn't want to cheat on somebody. Now that I'm awake and not so much kicking, I'll be starting to kick myself very soon.

But the one thing that's stuck in my head is something about me drowning in a swimming pool. I woke up smelling chlorine. Strange...

I really have to do something about this waking up at 8-blardy-o'Clock in the morning. Fucking irritants.

Elitists. The whole fucking lot of you. You don't want to piss me off. Really. You don't want to piss me off. Other people might be able to sit and just handle your shit but I refuse to. I don't want to. Let this be the last time you undermine me. And God forbid you ask me to help you again. Because my patience wears thin. Very very thin. Don't go playing the sympathy card. It's over used, tattered and torn to shreds. Don't give me the woe is me crap. Don't think I don't see right through you. Don't think you're all that. Perhaps that's why you keep dragging around the mock depression. Because you love the attention too. You want to have your cake and eat it too. Don't ask me to sit by and just let you walk all over me. My care for a person is not infinite.

Why do you have to be so fake? Why do you keep trying to be someone that you aren't? You're never like that in front of me? I reckon it's because you know that I know you. That I've known you since forever so I see through it. I'm proud of you just as you are. I'm happy that you've managed to overcome so many things. I'm happy that you're living the dream I can barely taste or see.

My music is my life and yet last night I found myself stuck. I couldn't write the song that screamed in my head. I couldn't find the words to express what really needed to be said. It happens doesn't it? Now and then even the best gets stuck. I hate it though. It doesn't allow me to do anything else. I can't manage not being able to do the one thing that I love so much.

Talking about things that I love, I was talking to Jada yesterday about things. I understand. I know that a part of me wants to say yes just for the fun of it. But... a part of me also knows that if I do, I'm going to regret it. So I'll just have to live with a no. And that is that.

So that was what you needed to tell me so badly. I don't know. I can't answer your question easily. I can with another question. Trust. Can I? Can't I? Do I want to?
Fine, it's 3 questions. That I don't have the answers for.

I'm still here and there. I'm still in between things. I still don't quite know what I want to do at this point. I know that my work is paramount.

Anyways, here I am. Had a beer, watched 2 movies. I'm feeling pretty ok. Quite brain dead. As much as you'd like to believe otherwise. I'm just really tired. I've had an eventful day. I studied a lot. I think that if I keep at it, things will work out nicely for me. But it's IF I keep at it. It means no more messing around.

"DANCE as though no one is watching you
LOVE as though you have never been hurt before
SING as though no one can hear you
LIVE as though heaven is on earth"
- Souza

the girl that died

I had a strange dream. I know I was home and I was sick. For some reason, Rick and I were watching Anime on my staircase. Then Luke and Kenny came. Than Saf came with his girlfriend who spoke to me more that he did for some reason. Then tonnes of people that I didn't know started coming. And I freaked out. I freaked out so badly. But here's the thing. I was going to die. But the people that were coming scared me more than the actual me dying.

breaking

Shouldn't this be better? Shouldn't I feel a little better at least? I should shouldn't I? But... I don't. I feel sick. It's an emptiness that keeps on growing. I don't quite know how to explain it. I know that a couple of days ago I found myself very irritated at a certain individual. And all I have to say to this individual is, what the fuck do you take me for? I may have been stupid before but not now.

Today, I found myself irritated again. I found that I couldn't stop crying this morning. Or this afternoon for that matter. The benefit about it was, I let it all go. It was alright I suppose. But, the depression isn't subsiding. I don't know why. It should but it isn't. But... it was ok. Being sad. With no one to bother me. I don't need rescuing guys. I don't... And if I did, trust me I would have made sure I had been.

I guess... I'm just a little lost right now. I'm hoping (yes, hoping) that someone finds me. Someone who can actually help me. And not someone that's just going to disappear.

"here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you"

We went to Ikea today. I bought myself a really pretty lamp and ate Swedish Meat Balls. :) Dinner... Pizza I guess.

Last night was alright. I had fun. People kept giving me drinks haha. Not to mention we danced our feet off. The only down side was that so many people were drunk to the core. And at the moment, Australia is suffocating. Even with my posters all up my room doesn't seem like my room and this place and never really be home. I find kinda funny and I find it kinda sad.

Just as Alex said, 42 Below Honey is amazing. I love it. I miss home still. But seeing everyone again is making things a little easier for me. I feel a little better than I did last night. At least I didn't break down today. You're the closest to heaven that I've ever been guys. Really. You are. And I find myself still wishing you were near.

Everyday in the smallest of ways
I watch you smile and laugh
Live and learn and live to love
Everday your demure-ish ways
Makes me smile, makes me laugh
Telling me just how much I really love you

"atta girl" I say to myself. I'm ready to go out. And... I wish that you guys were here. I miss you all so so much. Life would be incomplete without all of you here beside me....

I love you. And I would never let anyone do anything to hurt you. Be safe my loves. Be safe.