I Hate It Here

It's just one of those days where things just pass you by and you wish that you were alone even though what you really want is someone to talk to. It's like being surrounded by people everywhere only to find that you don't really want to sit with them in that awkward silence.

I don't know what's really wrong this time. I know that something is bothering me but I can't quite tell what it is. I know that I have a lot of work to do but I've gone and found myself in a rut. Why do you want to talk to me when all you do when I'm there is talk to someone else. Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't here at all. Sometimes I wish that I could just disappear. I suppose it's a down side to living among so many people. Sometimes you just want to be alone and you want to be able to do your own thing without people coming and bothering you. You feel invisible and then suddenly you really are and everything people are saying is just noise that you can't filter out.

I'm in a country where I can't help but feel this way. I haven't exactly got a back up plan when things like this happen. It's not like I can suddenly call the people that I really do want to talk to. It's not like they've got nothing to do. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. And if this is really what I wanted. Because it doesn't feel like it. Last semester... was infinitely more fun than this. I can only make so much of an effort to be around. I know these people and the things they say. They say the things that sound nice when the look in their eyes betrays the words of their mouths. Why is it so hard to just be real. Why do I suddenly feel like I'm just a puppet in a sick game.

Don't ask me things that you don't want to know. Don't look at me. Don't talk to me if you've got nothing nice to say. In fact, why don't you just disappear? It's not like we're really going to be there for each other for the rest of our lives right? You ask for my honest opinion and I give it to you. So if I'm not your friend then... Get out of my face and out of my head. It's not going to do either of us any good isn't it? It's not going to help anyone.

So I'm a girl that needs a lot of support. Yes, I crumble. Yes, I'm fragile. And I'm not strong all the time. I don't want to be. I can't be. I have no intention of being strong all the time. But the way you people look at me, the way you talk to me, makes it look so superficial, like none of it matters at all. So take what you want of me and just go. Because everyone's out there looking for someone who can enrich their lives. And the minute you can't, they leave. So what makes any of this any different?

I begin to loathe. I HATE the fact that my life and the things that I have done has become idle banter or jokes or worse yet, the latest gossip. I don't expose your secrets to the world and I'd appreciate it if you'd STOP talking about me. So I believe in things that you may not. So I do strange things that defy what you deem as normal. IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. You keep telling me to pick myself up you keep saying that I can do it. And yet behind my back you're already bad mouthing me to people that I once thought I could trust. No secrets? Is that your excuse? Well my life, is not public knowledge. I am not sociable. I am NOT likeable and I sure as hell am not your average idiot on the street so don't you dare think that I won't find out. Because guess what ass hole, I DID. It has NOTHING to do with you. You don't even know what really happened. And there was a reason that I never told you and what your doing now is only enforcing it. Doing this isn't making you any better a person. I begin to hate everything about this life that's slipping through my fingers. I want nothing more to do with it. I wish I could just die. Because I'd rather die then sit through every single fucking day having to listen to your sob stories of how this and that is happening and whatever. I'm sick of listening to you pity yourself when clearly you're not even helping yourself. I'm sick and tired of you trying to run my life for me when you can't even take charge of your own. The more you do this the more you turn into the kind of people I'm proud of hating. Hypocrites. Oh wait, you hate them too don't you. Doesn't that make you an even bigger one? You must be so proud of yourself.