caged bird syndrome and the dependancy of love

Somebody please point a gun at my head and fire. I hate everything about what I'm doing. Studies wise, social wise... everything. I hate it. I know I've had a good life. I still have it really but I don't feel like I deserve it. It's so bloody difficult to just take each breath. It's becoming tedious to live up to all the expectations there are ahead of me. And I'm beginning to resent this very existence. I hate it when I give up and even more so, I hate the feeling of failure. And guess what? I'm failing. I'm not talking about Uni stuff. It's just everything in general. I don't like seeing the people I love get hurt. But the stupid thing is, when they're happy, I want to be able to attain that happiness too. It's like I'm never satisfied with the happiness that I have. Annoying isn't it? I know in a twisted way I am happy. I just don't like how I got to being happy. It's like I'm either depending on someone else's happiness for me to find my own or I'm too busy to give a damn about the emotion altogether.

I feel like I've hit a dead end in my life that I just can't get out of. I know that I'm probably just really stressed out and home sick. Yes, I know I was just home last week. It's been a week since I've been back here and yet I'm feeling the same feelings I felt when I first came here. Intense lost and loneliness even though I have so many friends around. I hate it that people choose to disagree to agree. They aren't even talking. It's not a miscommunication because none has taken place.

Saf was right, I wouldn't be able to survive a Gregorian society. I just can't. I'm too much of a social creature that has grown dependant on others to survive. I don't like it but hey, that's what I am isn't it? What am I supposed to do? Force myself into seclusion? Just lock the doors and not answer anyone's calls? I could do that. For a day. I don't know if I could for any longer though.

The only thing keeping me going now is the task at hand and then I'm home free. Literally.