the concept of care

It's chaotic to dream about fighting with the people you love, let alone taking your own life and have them standing there not even caring. Well... It was a rude awakening I'll tell you that. As much as I miss home, I don't want to go back to a place where I have to deal with nothing but mess. Honestly. MESS. And from the looks of things, just as the major issues seem to simmer all the little minor ones are popping up like daisies. For God's sake people, can you PLEASE deal with your own shit versus telling me your sap stories expecting me to make them better. What do I look like? An emotions doctor? Bloody hell, I can barely keep my own emotions in check let alone watch out for every other person on the planet... Argh...

Why is it that when it comes to the crunch people are so self involved? Don't they care about what they're doing to others? The people they call their friends? Seriously, there is no room in this world to panic or worry or be scared. I know... Coming from me it's a huge contradiction but at least I'm trying. Can you say the same for yourselves?

I can safely say that while I sink and rise in and out of depression, I'm a happier person. Someone who can look at all the things she's done and be happy about them. Sure there have been an increasing number of situations that I plunged myself into out of my own free will. Yea, I'm not very proud of them but what they hell right? Who cares? It's all been said and done. And if I had never partaken in them, I wouldn't know what I know now would I? I have no time or patience to screw with people's minds anymore. Note the anymore. I've seen it all. I've gone through hell and I made it back alive. I took a bit of it with me and it's making me stronger. To my babes who're going through their own versions of hell, hang in there. You've only to benefit from the experience. Don't back down now that you've come so far. Just think of the good times and look forward to many more. Life isn't about suffering. It's about having fun and not looking back. It's about going out there and fighting for what's yours. (Or what you want to be yours for that matter.) I'm no guru in that arena as you all know but still, we all can get what we want. It's just a matter of how hard we try and even if we don't, there's a pretty good reason behind it.

To the one I loved, I'm sorry to have found out the way I did. I'm sorry about what happened. And I'm sorry I lacked any form of trust in you. What can I say? I couldn't and still possibly can't. It doesn't really matter anymore does it? If that what you think? Well, it does matter. We're nothing without trust.

And to the one who knows I'm pissed, I hope things get better. Yes, I was angry. Yes, I know I left without saying anything. You're family to me. I wish I could help. Heck, I thought I did help. But I swear the feeling of trying so hard and realising that there's nothing you can do is the worst feeling on earth. To care so much about a person that doesn't seem to give a fuck. I believe in you. And I believe that you do give a fuck. Just remember, you have to really want it for it to work. You have to really want it.

Well... with regards to my current situation, I still feel too lazy to do my assignments. They're due in less than a week and procrastination has gotten the better of me. Not good. Not good at all. I'm not in a partying mood. I actually DO want to finish my work and survive the first semester but I can't be fucked! Seriously! Part of me doesn't care and part of me does. I just want to hang out with my friends. I've got way too many things on my mind to fully concentrate.

Oh by the way, Shawn? You're an idiot. And you'd be hot if you weren't such a jerk. :)