never let you go

In less than 2 months I won't be a teenager any more. But then again, when in my life have I ever really been a teenager? I was a child throughout secondary school, forced into independence and adulthood at the age of 14. By the time I was 16 I already knew that there was little that I could do to regain any sense of childlike bliss. It was ripped away by the one person I care for most in this world. The one person that I miss all the time. Even when he's right in front of me or in the next room or even when I'm talking to him. I never got to say good bye or I love you. I just didn't have it in me anymore. What you did... It was regrettable to put it lightly. Disappointing yes. But still... I begin to realise that I'm capable of worse. And when you realise the seriousness of it all, I worry that it will be too late for you. But. Know this. We are family. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will change the fact that I still worry and care. I still love you.

Don't you just hate it? The minute that you're alone and all the things you swore that you'd never worry about flood your mind and you realise that you have no way out. No matter how hard you look or drown yourself in work, there's always that one little or not so little thing that will remain and will land up bugging the shit out of you? That's what I'm feeling. That's what I face every single day of this dismal life that I chose for myself. No doubt that it was the only good decision to make at the time. But I'm not proud of the things I landed up doing along the way. I sometimes wish I had never left home. I wish that I hadn't left the people that I love so much. And yet when you really think about it, if I hadn't, I would never have met this whole new world of people and places that I've come to be attached to.

So. The question of whether I'll remain here or return to my origins finally has an answer. I will never leave home if I can help it. Never.