the silence before the blast

Why is it that even though I know that I'm doing the right thing, I still feel terrible. It feels as though I've done something that I shouldn't have done when in actuality I haven't done anything. This is usually the feeling I get right before something really bad happens. It's not unfamiliar to me. In fact it's all too familiar. It's seemingly normal even though it shouldn't be.

I suppose I can't do anything but wait and see. Then figure out what to do next.

two sides of the coin

I've had to play the angel today. Today and yesterday. I've had to let people see part of the hidden side of me. Just to keep the peace. Just to try and make things a little better than they originally were. I made myself play the messenger. Irritating but still, I did it. I put myself there.

It was no easy feat let me tell you that much. But I managed to make some kind of progress. I hope. If not then... I didn't make any thing worse. If anything I'm hoping to avert a situation. I'm trying to stop things from happening or at least lighten the blow.

I find it quite strange. I found that I actually liked it. Despite everything that came along in doing so, I actually liked it. Oh dear. I can't have my cake and eat it right? I'll find a way. I always find a way. I will find a way.

clouds on earth

I dreamt of strange things. I dreamt of buying designer hair clips, rotating toilets, coming home with mom and Cindy to find my love and myself watching the old Mario Brothers cartoons while smoking with Ben. With my mother and cousin in plain sight.

All seemed so perfect in my mothers' eyes. I could do no wrong. All because of him. She loved him to bits and because of that, everything was just right. I don't know. I don't think she should ever have to know. So I don't quite know what to do.

Sometimes not saying a single thing helps me deal with things a lot better than opening up to them. It becomes a liability when I compromise my own thoughts. See, it's hard for it to become a liability when I blog because it's vague and there are very few that understand the code in which I write. So it doesn't matter. I have found a way to speak such that some can completely understand what I'm writing about.

But for now, I have to take extra precaution. Things aren't as peachy as I'd like them to be. And still, I refuse to falter. I refuse to fail.

irrefutable weaknesses

Watching sappy feel good movies or seria always puts me in a very depressing mood. It comes as such because I wonder how real it could be. How uncanny that even under such strenuous circumstances, we find the script to be plausible. We allow ourselves to believe that such things really can happen when we know that they can't.

Such things usually make people feel... hopeful. Not me though. Not me.They make me wonder if such happiness ever really exists. Most people laugh at me when I tell them about it. I can't really blame them. After all, I don't exactly like to show this side of me often enough for people to get used to it. The reason why I don't is because I can't really come to terms with it. It leaves me in a vulnerable inferior state of mind. I makes me feel ridiculously incomplete when in actuality I'm not.

And still I watch them. Still I allow myself that few hours and even days to remember what it feels like. To be human.

Don't give up.

Don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on what you believe in. Don't let people get you down. There are a lot of don'ts in this life. Instead of being negative, I am going to try to be positive. Live. Believe. Have confidence. Hmm... It doesn't have as much of an impact does it? Hehe. I suppose sometimes negativity can be a good thing.

When things are right in front of you, it's not uncommon for you to completely miss them. As we get older, we expect things to be difficult. We understand that there are very very few things that come to us easily. It doesn't always have to be that way though. Things can be as simple too.

I will believe in what I am. I believe in what I can do. I believe in friends. I believe in family. I believe in a higher power. I believe in living even though it can be very hard. But most of all, I believe in a love that is greater than any other. And in so, I believe that all things can be as permanent as we want them to be. I have things that are eternal. It's hard for me to say it plainly because it's difficult to explain the full details especially when I don't quite understand them myself.

I believe in me. I think I know what I'm doing. I know what I want. And I know how to get it. But... I find, that I am quite happy where I am. I don't need any more than I already have.

For some reason, there are people that I once regarded as friends, who still seem to be trying to bring me down. They say things that they know will hurt me. But they say it all the same. It is their choice to be spiteful I suppose. Misunderstandings occur all the time, arguments, fights and the whole shebang. I don't believe in letting these things get in my way though. I don't believe in running away from my problems. But at the same time, I am not about to charge in guns ablaze. I once said to someone that sometimes letting things linger makes it worse. Sometimes over thinking is murderous. Well, it does depend on the situation doesn't it? I find that it is in my best interest to let others do the fighting. I have no interest in trivial conflicts.

Friendships do come and go. I've come to terms with that. Hearts break and heal and break all over again. It's just the way things are. But at the end of each juncture, we grow stronger. I am coming to terms with the fact that there are things about me that I don't need. Things that define what and who I am that I do not require to live. Not survive, but live.

We've all come a long long way. We've all grown up. We're not children anymore are we. I have many people that I want to list out. It will be a rather long. And probably quite incomplete. But here it is:

Luke, Kenny, Rick, Saf, Ben, Daniel, Tasia, Jon, Alicia, Judy, Janice, Daniel, Sean, Madz, Amran, Intan, JJ, Jen, Ayu, Jen, Ctoz, Aira,Yana, Eliza, Prasad, Celia, Geoff, Shereena, Andrea, Arvinder, Alicia, Anita, Ryan, Tavia, Mel, Addie, Alex, Jamie, Tina, Hayley, JonNy...

You people. Friends. People who have shaped me. People who have seen me grow. People who I'm glad to have met. People that I can't imagine living in this world without. Thank you for everything. There will come a point where I might not be able to be there but I will still care. It doesn't matter if that at one point or another in our lives we stop talking. I'll still be there. I'll still be around. I'll still remember.

There is one who remains deep in my thoughts. The one that I think about each and every day. The one that I will always care about. The one that i miss the most. You have taught me that there is hope in everything. You gave me dreams that I never thought I could have. I sleep each night and dream of you and I wake up wondering how you are and what you might be doing. You've never hurt me. You've never taken me for granted. You've never made use of me. You who have been there for me for so long. I am the luckiest person in the world because I have you. You've been the greatest soul that I have ever known. Yes, I get scared when you get angry. But... I know you. And you know me. Heck, you know me better than I know myself. I just wanted to say that I miss you. I know that I'll see you soon. But till then, I will have these dreams of which I am so afraid of waking from. I have each night. Even if it's for a few minutes, they are more important to me than anything I ca think of. Be safe. I will be there one day, and I will stay.

freud

We learn early in life that it always takes something big happening to realise the value of what we have. We learn it in the little things that we do, in the movies we watch, in the songs we sing and later on in life, through real experiences. More often than not, television seria and movies, although exaggerated conflicts and plots, are very similar to reality. It's the little things. The small minor roles that make you really wonder.

I'm at a point where I'm afraid of landing myself in even more trouble that I care to deal with. I'm not getting any younger. None of us are. And as we get older, the responsibilities build up. Earlier this evening, I asked Ryan if he ever wished that he was a kid again. He told me no with much confidence. He likes the leadership thing, and the confidence in himself. Very unlike me. I wish I were a kid again. When all I had to think or care about included playing and sleeping loads.

I guess that's why I'm still awake. Or better yet, why I don't want to sleep. I'm afraid of my dreams. I've always been afraid of them. But I want to have them all the same. These days though, they're getting harder and harder to deal with. I see the things that I used to have. The things that kept me going. A dream that I never wanted to end. And each time that I wake up, I wake up feeling completely shitty. When I open my eyes and see the familiarity of my room, I find that in my sleep, I move my things. I can have a glass of water on my table migrate to the floor right next to my door. It's not creepy but it's not quite funny either.

Each time that I dream, it's like I jump out of my body and literally warp myself to another place. And all of a sudden, I don't look like me but I know it's me. And it's hardly ever the same personification. The one where I dreamt I was a cat was cute. But all the same, I don't think I want to sleep as much as I like sleeping. I've got a lot on my mind. Things that I don't want to think or talk about, decisions that I don't want to make but have to. Problems that need fixing but I don't want to worry about them right now. I want to push everything aside and just be free for a little while because I know that at some point I won't have that luxury.

Please, don't try to fix me. I don't think you can. Thank you for trying though. I can't explain anything right now, I don't have the answers to the questions you have. I'm not as wonderful as you may think I am. I don't know everything. I can't deal with everything. I just want to deal with being me.

Happy Thanksgiving/Party People!!

To think I've forsaken Bleach for this Korean drama I got into. Scary no? Ah well. As it turns out I'm throwing a party after all. For all you NUS people, be happy because I'm throwing it AFTER my birthday. Therefore, the party would probably be on the last day of the examination period. If I'm not mistaken that is. Well, technically all I have to do is contact Ministry of Sound and get a quote of sorts from them. :)

I'll call you guys with more info. Unless I don't have your current numbers at which point I'll... er... I'll figure something out :)

with each breath

The other day I was in Orchard. This was a while back mind you, I saw someone that I knew. And then the thought of saying hi just crossed my mind. I haven't spoken to her in ages. In fact, I had nothing to say. So I didn't say hi. I just smiled to myself.

Years down the road, we meet people, we befriend them and sooner rather than later, you lose contact for whatever reason. Maybe you fell out, maybe you just stopped calling. There are a lot of scenarios I could give. But here's the thing, how long do friendships really last. Are they as tiring as people make them out to be? Is it so hard to forgive people for what they've done to you? I don't think it is. I think it's childish to bear a grudge. Even if you don't agree that it's childish, don't you find it tiring to sit and brood or be angry over something that may or may not have happened? How many times have people fallen out because of speculation?

Now there's the point I'm trying to get at. Speculation. It's a killer. It makes you paranoid, you over think things and then they get out of hand. What's the point in that? Tell me. It's doesn't even have to be about conflict. Why is it that we build up these ridiculous expectations for ourselves that we know on some level we can never achieve? Many like to say reach as high as you can because just in case you don't make it, you'll find a way to be happy. What rubbish. Why settle for second best. Why bother? Do what you need, get what you need and if you fail, life still goes on right? Sometimes what you want and what you need are completely different things.

It is my philosophy to not have to answer to anyone but yourself. You don't owe anyone or anything an explanation. You don't need to validate your actions as long as you can live with them. It's those that can't that question and get paranoid I think.

Be all that you can be. Try as hard as you possibly can. But only do these things if you really want to. Don't run around doing things for other people because if you're looking for praise, at the end of the day, it won't be enough. No amount of thanks will be enough because of the expectations you set for yourself. Your own standards. And one more thing, remember the things you say to other people can hurt them too. You aren't perfect.

And so I shall say this to you, when you say that you don't want to keep in contact it doesn't mean that I want to. Don't forget that you're the one who said it not me. Don't forget that the choices you make affect others. And the pain you suffer is over rated.

when you can't speak freely

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

- Christina Aguilera, Hurt

I'm smiling but I'm crying. I'm laughing but I'm screaming. It's not as easy as I make it out to be. These days, I keep finding myself criticising people for being so childish and insensitive when deep down, I'm the one that is. It's not that I want to mind you, I don't mean to snap at people. I don't mean to say some of the things that I land up saying. But can you really understand what it must be like? I'm singing my guts out and I find myself stopping prematurely because I don't agree with some of the lines. I don't understand why I have to keep on doing these things. It's so painful. I don't want to have to live a double life. It's not fun, it's not easy to up keep. I know what I want. But I want two things that don't go hand in hand. I can't have both. I can only have one. But I don't want to give one up for the other. I'm trying very hard to make it through each day without blaming people or myself for the things that happen. Most of the time, it's not anyone's fault really. But we're all like that aren't we? We blame ourselves.

If I just had one more day. Just one more. It would mean so much to me. But I know now that it's gone and I can't have it back. I keep telling myself that I will eventually. But... It's gone isn't it?

But if it's gone, then why do I still hope and drive myself to reach the day when I will get it? I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. It's just a matter of days now. If I could be anywhere... It'd be there. Camelot. A Utopia that doesn't exist.

I feel very... broken. It's dangerous to be where I am now. Sitting on the fence is not a good thing. I'm sorry for everything. I know that this particular issue is my own fault. If only I had better control of what I can do. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I just... I just want to go.

differences between being difficult and being able to live

I think it's entirely possible for me to spend my entire holiday locked up in my house. Of course I want to go out and see the people that I miss but still, it is also possible that I stay put. After all, I have everything I need and want all here don't I. It's comforting that way. Only thing is, I have to answer for everything that I do. I can't really smoke when I want but still, I find that I can manage. I like being home because I don't smoke as much. That is always good don't you agree? Honestly, my money goes solely towards cigarettes.

I think I like living this way. It is difficult, no doubts there. But it is doable.

don't wanna be anything

People keep expecting me to be someone that I'm not. Friends, family, they all want me to be someone that I don't want to be. I don't want to be fake. I just want to be me. But lately it has become more and more difficult. I'm home. If I can't be myself here than who can I be?

Like I said, each time I come and go, I change. Even if it's a little, they keep thinking I changed. But the only part of me that's changing is the part of me that's not real - the mask. I'm becoming more me every single day and because of that they all think that I'm different.

I am quiet. I don't like making too much noise. I don't appreciate people who talk to much. I don't like people who say and do more than they need or want to. I never want to be like that. I am just as I should be. And if you lot can't accept that than so be it. I'm happy with who I am unlike you. I believe in what I choose to believe in, not what other people think I should be. I shouldn't have to be what people want me to be. It's wrecking my own peace of mind.

I want to be me. The only girl my age I know who can sit and play games for hours. The same girl that smokes, drinks, does whatever the hell she wants, believe whatever the hell she wants, does whatever she wants, when she wants. And as such, I will. I'll work within my constraints. You can't stop me. No one can stop me. Not anymore.

I miss you damnit

me, myself and i

Hmm... I'm still messing around with the psp. Right now I'm trying to see what kind of support I can get for it on my mac. A file manager of sorts preferably. I doubt I'll be able to find anything though. I mean, it's mostly a drag and drop. I suppose I'll have to fiddle with it more when I get my memory card back.

I find that these days, I land myself in positions that I don't want to be in. I'm forced to do things that I don't want to do, say things that I don't want to say, think about things that I really don't want to think about.

So far my days are already beginning to fill themselves up. It's a good thing I have no doubt, but still I just want to sit relax and breathe. I love going out. I want to meet up with people. Heck it's the whole reason why I'm back right? Right! But at the same time, I want to have me time. LOADS of it. I deserve it don't I? I deserve a break.

i tire

Home is... just as I left it. Hot, humid and er... tiring. I'm exhausted. And my stomach feels like it's dying. I have loads to do. Need to go and get my stuff done. Need to get to sleep or else tomorrow = die.

My sense of time has gone haywire. My head is aching. My stomach is aching. My body is just in pain. I think it's because I desperately need to sleep. So that is exactly what I shall do. I shall put a movie on and knock off. Later people.

It's good to be home. I just wish... Well, you know la. My room is a mess.

taking what's mine

Well, in 12 hours I'll be leaving for the airport. Things are kind of strange right now. I dunno, I just feel weird. I'm tired again but I can't sleep so that's pissing me off. I guess you could say anxiety is beginning to hit me. I miss home. I really do. I miss having Daniel around too. I can go on for days, locked up in my room and feel totally fine but some how now it's just different. I let myself get used to the idea that they're all always going to be around when they aren't. It's always the case though... I get too darned complacent. Just look at all the things that have happened this past couple of weeks. It's because I've gotten so used to the idea that someone's always got my back and I don't have to worry about anything.

I'll be alright. I'm always like that. Burn out, build up, burn out, build up... Repetitive process I know. It's irritating sometimes but it's just my way of dealing.

Each time that I leave Melbourne to go home, I find myself thinking of the number of things that I need to do. The people I want to see. The people I care about and the people that I've lost touch with. There are so many. Too many. It's sad. I think about them quite a bit. But sometimes circumstances don't allow me to reach them. Call it me being stubborn but sometimes it's just better that way. I guess you could say that I'm just not used to being by myself anymore.

Insomnia. Really. It's fucked up. I want to sleep so badly but I can't. I want to be able to relax but I can't. I can't stop worrying or worse yet, thinking. I wish that I could. Really I do. It's not as easy as it looks though. I'm at a point where I'm listening to Chinese music on replay. Yes. We all know what that means. Some things are just impossible. Some things can't be done. And some things, you can never escape from.

Right now, I feel like I'm free falling. That creepy feeling like your guts are about to just come right out. I have no reason to but I do. All I need is... Well... I don't know actually. I scream and I cry. I try to understand why these things just keep happening. I doubt I'll be able to understand it any time soon. I feel so exasperated from trying so hard. Incidentally it was put to me that I never have to do things that I don't want to. I've always felt that way. And yet for some reason, I'm still doing them. It's not that I don't want to stop. I can't seem to bring myself to stop. I can't let go. I don't know why but I just can't. I wish so badly that I could.

All I need is... well... Right now, I'd like to say it. But I can't. There's so much complication that arises from it. Things always seem to get out of hand. I can't explain this situation to other people. I've tried. Close friends don't get it what more strangers. Some times, all it takes is just one person. That one person who pretends to listen doesn't count. The person that really does listen and can remotely understand. That's what matters.

I wish... I think you know what I wish for. I want it to be over so badly. I wish that things could be the way they should be. The optimum outcome. I know it's probably never going to happen. But I still hope. I still wish that it were so.

Be safe, I'll see you very soon.

I love you

once again

So I'm tasting the air of freedom. It doesn't taste any different from the air before. Seriously. There so much to do but I don't want to do it. There are people to see but I can't bring myself to go. I think it's upsetting. Seriously. I think it's very upsetting. I know why I'm upset. I finally figured it out. As much as I was looking forward to things, it turns out that at the back of my head I didn't want them to happen at all.

But it's a little too late for that now isn't it. It's far too late now. I am after all, the girl that realises things when it's already too late.

just a bit more

1 hour. Man... Sounds overly dramatic doesn't it? By 11, it will be over. I'm hoping that by 10 I'll be out of the hall. Mind you, I'm going to have to go in there and bullshit my way out of it. I'm worried that this time it's not going to work. You know me and exams. I somehow can't seem to do well for them. It's a fact. Unless I'm fucking good at the subject, I can barely make it. Ah well.

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'


Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me


Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'


Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'


And all I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'


Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'

Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

- Savin' Me, Nickelback

pulling ourselves together

6 hours and I will wake up. 6 hours and I will get ready. It's not over yet. I've still got a long way to go till it's over. Unfortunately. But I can't let go now can I? I'm tired, but I can't let go. I can't allow myself that luxury. I wonder what I would do if I had the choice to do anything in the world. Would I still be the same person I am now? Would I be capable of handling that kind of decision.

Right now, I would just like for things to be good. No more chaotic nonsense. No more looking for the kinks in the plan. No more worrying. Just good. Even for a little while. It's so... close to me. For a while, I can just relax. For a little while. A few hours each night. When I stop being aware of my thoughts. That is a nice thought. Yes, I know that's ironic.

I don't want to be this nice all the time. It's annoying. You get people walking all over you when you're too nice. When you're too giving. But I can't help but be nice can I? What's happening to me. Why can't I just be... free

great heights and long drops

I thought this is what I wanted. But is it really? I mean, if it were I wouldn't feel so... down right rotten. I don't understand the cause of it though. I don't understand the logic. I guess Daniel was right when he told me that life is a grey area and that there really isn't a black and white. It's... strange. Perhaps it's the thought of going home. A part of me misses home so much and yet a part of me doesn't want to go back. Back to the mess that's waiting for me. But even so, there's nothing for me here in Melbourne. It's quite pointless I think.

I belong at home. Not here. Not this place. I'm sure of that now that I've been here so long. But can I go back to being what I was? I don't think so. I've changed so much. I tasted it and now, I'm still trying to decide whether or not I like it. Does it always have to be so complicated? Does it really? Because it's beginning to look that way. I've tried to make things simple but they aren't. I tried to see things from an objected point of view. I've tried to look at the bigger picture but it's all a blur. My path is still a blur to me. I want so many things. I need many things. But right now, what I really need is clarity. Clarity that I don't have.

But then again, all things considering, I always want the things that I can't have. I always push myself towards goals that are unattainable and now I've reached a point of no return and I'm beginning to think about turning back even though I know I can't. What do you really expect me to do. To leave everything behind and just keeping going forward with no baggage? I don't think I can do that. It's not as easy as it sounds. Would you be able to make the same decisions as I am making? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I don't know. I really don't know anymore.

yawn

Please don't ask me why I'm awake. I'm not supposed to be awake. I'm supposed to have slept till 1. But no, I'm actually wide awake. I slept at... 3? Now I won't stop complaining.

I really should take off those stupid auto messages. I think they're getting to people. Haha. Well I don't usually mean any harm even though it comes off that way? Let's see. It's only 4 or 5 days more. Exam's on Friday, ball's on Friday, plane's on Sunday. Time's decided to go by really slowly and I've run out of loud angry music to play. Unbelievable no?

Remind me not to drink ice water when it's freezing outside. But you'll all be surprised to find that my room? Is amazingly clean. Still. I know I just cleaned it last week but usually it does take longer than 2 days for me to make a complete mess of it.

That's besides the point. I'm still sleepy. Still groggy. Still slipping closer to oblivion. I'll live. I suppose. I'm strange like that no? I'm irritated that my Zara jacket's button came loose. I don't know how to sew a button back on. So sue me for not being much of a home maker. Why not eh? I'm tired, irritated, relatively moody and have a pure disdain for studying. All I want to do is... shop. But I'm broke. So I've been scouring the internet for things to get when I'm not so broke. Games mostly. The psp for one. Haha. My mom thinks that somewhere side the female physique is the brain of a boy. She's right you know. Not that I care to admit it to her.

I think shall go play mahjong and smoke. I wish it wasn't so cold.

tears for fears

There it is again. That dream. That strange dream. The one that made me jump out of bed. Amusing how I had to have that dream after a whole night of not being able to sleep. Just like the last time. It's the same old deal.

I was me in a world very unlike this one. It was like I was on a whole different planet. I only had one purpose to find something. I was separated from him again. Captured, tormented. I managed to escape through a passage way by the head of these huge beds. I jumped I ran and I didn't look back. Those that held me captive did not give chase. Because it was like I stepped from one corner of the area straight into another. And there were soldiers of sorts. Soldiers that reminded me of the men that Frodo and Sam saw in the Two Towers. I managed to get away from them as well. They didn't spot me. Instead however, I found this family. Who helped hide me. They resembled me but they weren't my family. I can still remember their faces, the father, the pregnant mother and their 7 year-old daughter. But the same people who caught me the last time were looking for me. I hid myself and all I heard was the man with the distorted features saying "I found you."

Almost immediately my eyes snapped open. My body couldn't move. I was sleeping in a position that I don't normally sleep in. Body faced up and arms crossing over my chest like one of those Egyptian mummies. Before I had time to panic I actually fell asleep again.

I found myself in complete darkness. Then I saw a light. It was bright as day. And there he was. He who I have been separated from. My light. My beautiful light.

It was painfully short. I woke up again. Madhavi came back from her exam. And the song that was playing on my laptop was I Still Love You. Yes, I left my laptop to play music. It helps me sleep sometimes. I woke up in tear as I have done for the past few weeks. I fell asleep in tears as I have done the past few days. There's still a suffocating dark cloud over my world.

What else is new.

thorns

Advertisers. Advertising whores. No, I'm not insulting my media counterparts within the advertising agency. I'm talking about attention seekers. We all have one or two attention seekers in out lives. My question is, how do you get rid of them? Many times I have asked this question and the result stands that we don't get rid of the pain in our sides because it's just mean. But how much shit can we handle from them?

Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to let go of my anger. Initially I thought it was. I mean I'm know to be a real bitch hot head from time to time but really, haven't I just been to damned nice about things already? How much is enough? And how do you get rid of them? Well, I can't answer how much is enough for the sole reason that all this is very subjective. And you get rid of them by telling them to their faces. Sounds mean? Yes. But would you rather have a headache and be perpetually frustrated with one person or would you rather cut them off and go about your own happy little life.

If you're happy with just getting rid of the problem, then go for it. But if you want to prance around saying that you want to be nice then good luck to you. Seriously.

I was woken up again today. Out of no where, my first mounted print from photojourn fell off the wall. I thought nothing of it and when back to sleep. Minute later my Death Note poster fell off the wall. It was stuck on with LOADS of blue tac. I don't get it. Aren't I entitled to proper sleep? Apparently, I'm not. Yes, I am irritated. It's probably coz I am also hungry. Go figure.

love is to pain as fire is to water

You want and then you don't want. And when I want you don't want. And when you want I don't want. Irritating. Is it so difficult to get what I want? Seriously. Am I asking for too much. Has it become that difficult? Or have I over complicated things again.

What is it about me? Please, someone explain this concept to me. Either that or someone point a fucking gun to my head and shoot. I'm frustrated.

I don't know anymore. How can a person like more than one person at a time? How can a person love more than one person at a time. I don't understand it at all. How can so much pain bring so much happiness. Someone explain that concept to me. Pain is not love and love is not pain. I know love. I know pain. They are different.

And yet... I find myself conflicted. I still wish that you were here.

round in circles

What happens when your dreams become more and more real? And what you dream about actually happens? What happens when you dream about something that can't possibly be real? What then? What happens when my dreams and my reality are in conflict. What happens when the idea has been planted in my head and I can't help but wonder if it's true. What happens when you start seeing things in other people that you never noticed before?

I'm not astonished at the situation at all. In fact I've known where I stand when it comes to this entire thing. Somehow that one single dream has made me really sit and think about it. I'm still a little confused about it all. I'm not entirely sure what to do at this point. I remember too much and yet at times, too little. It's hard to explain. And I can't say too much here can I?

There it is again. I find that chill creeping up and down my spine. As if I'm being watched. My every move. Each step I make, carefully added to a list of things that are innately me. Things that can and will be used against me. It's happening more often than it usually does. Strange coincidences. But of course I don't believe in coincidences anymore do I. I don't believe in chance or luck either. I believe in cause and effect. I don't like this feeling. I don't like being shut out. I don't like being robbed. My anger although dissolved has nothing to do with my mania. Or the fire that burns inside me to disrupt all that I will.

Is wanting to get things over and done with so wrong? I don't understand why all of you are still so worried. I'll live. It's what I do. I have no doubts there whatsoever. Have a little bit of faith in me at least. I am who I am after all. When have I not gotten out of a tight spot? Tell me? When has it been so bad that I remain scared till today? I haven't. It has not happened before and it will not happen at all. I don't buy that there's a first time for everything bullshit.

I will force this as and when I see fit. And you know what? I see fit to do it now.

iRant

The Departed. As a stand alone, pretty alright. As a cover? BAD. TERRIBLE. And to all you people who think it's brilliant, wait till you see Infernal Affairs. Blooming idiots! Before you say anything, get your facts straight and watch the damned original!

letting go

People are untrustworthy. Madz and I used to have a pretty strong liking to this one line in The Italian Job. "I trust everyone. It's the devil inside them I don't trust." However, given certain circumstances, I think it's easier to trust the devil inside than to trust the person. And even in sandman, Dream says "Never trust a demon. He has a hundred motives for anything de does... Ninety-nine of them, at least, are malevolent." But still, I find my stance unchanging.

Thank you though for trying to break my resolve. Thank you for trying to tell me what to do. Still, thank you for trying to 'help'. I understand where you're coming from. But for a person that judges and then asks why others judge you, you cannot begin to understand what it's like to be me. You cannot begin to understand the secrets I keep. The secrets that keep me alive. You don't know me at all so please don't claim to. Just because I let you see a side of me very few have doesn't mean you know all of me. There are many sides to me.

I choose who I tell my secrets to. And when I do, I trust them and I will have my own reasons that I need not explain to anyone. Can you at least understand that? I owe no one any form of explanation as to why I do the things I do and why I believe the things I believe. In your case, you just might have to see it to believe it. And in doing so, you are contradicting everything you have ever said and believed in. You create your own mess, your own complication. So quit blaming others for your flaws.

I get irritated with people who are so fake. People who claim to be your friend and apologise for stuff that they don't even know. Why apologise when you don't know what you're apologising for? Do you think that makes you a bigger person? No, it makes you a bigger idiot. Your lies will catch up with you eventually. Don't come crying to me when you run out of friends. In fact, don't come running to me even if you do because I will not entertain you.

On happier notes, I'm going out later! w00t! Going to go grab food, watch a movie and do a little shopping. :) Thanks for hanging out last night Daniel. It was late and you were really tired but you entertained me anyways. Haha.

Again, most of the thoughts here aren't directed at any singular person. Meh... I should really just put this in a disclaimer somewhere eh?

seeing right through

So much for sleeping. I tried to sleep today. Yes. That's all I did. Try to sleep. Because I wsa irritatied about it around 8 or 9 this morning to the point I actually found the time to do my laundry, clean my room, take a shower and eat. And still I couldn't sleep.

I've been trying and trying and trying and all that I land up with is feeling very very sleepy. This is not good. Perhaps I should try not to sleep and counter this stupid lethargy. Coffee sounds in order.

In fact a lot of things sounds like it's in order. A LOT. We shall see. My frustration from the lack of sleep is caused from the fact that I'm irritated with how long this whole recovery process is taking. I'm getting impatient. But I know I have to wait. Am I making sense? No? Too bad.

I wish... You know what I wish...

drained

I feel delirious. Tired mostly. It's nothing. I'm just really tired. I'm up too darned early for my own good. At least I've gone and put my clothes and sheets in the wash. Pity it's raining though. It would be better if it wasn't. Exhaustion is slowly creeping in beginning to take over. What a week it's been. Each week that goes by I keep finding only a single word to explain it all. Chaotic.

I try to make it less so but my efforts somehow all seem to be in vain. As much as I try to ease my own pain and troubles they just keep pouring stronger and harder.

I attribute my tired mood to not having slept enough. It's becoming painful to even type at this point. That's the extent of my exhaustion. My brain isn't functioning very well right now. I hate waiting. But it looks like I don't have much of a choice. Smoking makes me more tired than I thought it would. Strange isn't it? Ah well.

becoming sappy

I don't know what he does to make you cry,
but I'll be there to make you smile.
I don't have a fancy car,
to get to you I'd walk a thousand miles.
I don't care if he buys you nice things
Does his gifts come from the heart-I don't know
But if you were my girl...
I'd make it so we'd never be apart.

But my love is all I have to give
Without you I don't think I can live
I wish I could give the world to you...but
Love is all I have to give

When you talk-does it seem like he's not
even listening to a word you say?
That's okay babe, just tell me your problens
I'll try my best to kiss them all away...
Does he leave when you need him the most?
Does his friends get all your time?
Baby please...I'm on my knees
praying for the day that you'll be mine!!

But my love is all I have to give
Without you I don't think I can live
I wish I could give the world to you...but
Love is all I have to give

To you...Hey girl, I don't want you to cry no more-inside
All the money in the world could never add up to all the love
I have inside...I Love You

And I will give it to you
All I can give, All I can give
Everything I have is for you
But love is all I have to give

And I will give it to you
All I can give, All I can give
Everything I have is for you
But love is all I have to give

But my love is all I have to give
Without you I don't think I can live
I wish I could give the world to you...but
Love is all I have to give

But my love is all I have to give
Without you I don't think I can live
I wish I could give the world to you...but
Love is all I have to give

But my love is all I have to give
Without you I don't think I can live
I wish I could give the world to you...but
Love is all I have to give

- All I Have To Give, Backstreet Boys

choices we make

Strength eh? Confidence huh. Resolve, will, it all sounds like one big test to me. Must I subject myself to it? Or have I already done so? Well, why not. I will be ok. I'll live to tell the tale. I'll find some way or other to pull through. It's what I do. It's how I function. It is how I choose to live.

You know it occurred to me that if I were to have to change who I am to have what I want then what's the point. If I change slowly out of my own purpose then fine. But still, I do not see myself changing so much. I'm slowly eroding away all the parts about myself that I no longer need.

Think about it, do people really need to be angry? Not really. Anger is just something that a lot of people use to mask their fears and their pain. That's what I think. So if at the end of the day I find that it's just an emotion that I can do without. Anger brings out the side of myself that is otherwise very passive. Anger allows me to do the things that I will live to regret.

So what then at the end of day? What then would I become? Any less human? Perhaps. But you know what, I will be happy. I will make sure that my choices will keep those I love safe and if it is possible to make them happy, I will. That's always been what I wanted right? But in doing so, can I really be happy? Should I be selfish and make something out of myself or should I be selfless. It still bothers me that question.

Being told that I'm going to live till a ripe old age wasn't the best of answers that I could have hoped for. I don't quite like the idea of dying all old and wrinkly. I don't like the idea of having to wait and wait and wait. I'm impatient that way. Stubborn as hell. I've been called a great deal of things by many people. Most of whom know absolutely nothing about me at all. Most of whom profess to know me when they only know one side of me. People always see what they want to see. There are very few who just see without judgement.

Because I hate wasting time, I am not waiting. I refuse to wait. I will take things into my own hands without fear and without doubt. After all, a friend of mine told me something that I had long forgotten. Love is never wrong. It's peoples' misconstrued perception of love that destroys the simplicity of it.

My friends, my loves, the choice is yours to make. I understand it's hard. Whichever you choose, I would not love you any less than I already do. I am who I am and I am what I am.

Again I dare you. Show yourself. If you have a score to settle than let's settle it right now. I am not afraid. After all, your ways are under the table aren't they. You plant in people doubt. You allow it to manifest and then you plant the idea that they have lost everything when in actuality they have lost nothing. I know your ways. You cannot harm me anymore. I know you.