freud

We learn early in life that it always takes something big happening to realise the value of what we have. We learn it in the little things that we do, in the movies we watch, in the songs we sing and later on in life, through real experiences. More often than not, television seria and movies, although exaggerated conflicts and plots, are very similar to reality. It's the little things. The small minor roles that make you really wonder.

I'm at a point where I'm afraid of landing myself in even more trouble that I care to deal with. I'm not getting any younger. None of us are. And as we get older, the responsibilities build up. Earlier this evening, I asked Ryan if he ever wished that he was a kid again. He told me no with much confidence. He likes the leadership thing, and the confidence in himself. Very unlike me. I wish I were a kid again. When all I had to think or care about included playing and sleeping loads.

I guess that's why I'm still awake. Or better yet, why I don't want to sleep. I'm afraid of my dreams. I've always been afraid of them. But I want to have them all the same. These days though, they're getting harder and harder to deal with. I see the things that I used to have. The things that kept me going. A dream that I never wanted to end. And each time that I wake up, I wake up feeling completely shitty. When I open my eyes and see the familiarity of my room, I find that in my sleep, I move my things. I can have a glass of water on my table migrate to the floor right next to my door. It's not creepy but it's not quite funny either.

Each time that I dream, it's like I jump out of my body and literally warp myself to another place. And all of a sudden, I don't look like me but I know it's me. And it's hardly ever the same personification. The one where I dreamt I was a cat was cute. But all the same, I don't think I want to sleep as much as I like sleeping. I've got a lot on my mind. Things that I don't want to think or talk about, decisions that I don't want to make but have to. Problems that need fixing but I don't want to worry about them right now. I want to push everything aside and just be free for a little while because I know that at some point I won't have that luxury.

Please, don't try to fix me. I don't think you can. Thank you for trying though. I can't explain anything right now, I don't have the answers to the questions you have. I'm not as wonderful as you may think I am. I don't know everything. I can't deal with everything. I just want to deal with being me.