taking what's mine

Well, in 12 hours I'll be leaving for the airport. Things are kind of strange right now. I dunno, I just feel weird. I'm tired again but I can't sleep so that's pissing me off. I guess you could say anxiety is beginning to hit me. I miss home. I really do. I miss having Daniel around too. I can go on for days, locked up in my room and feel totally fine but some how now it's just different. I let myself get used to the idea that they're all always going to be around when they aren't. It's always the case though... I get too darned complacent. Just look at all the things that have happened this past couple of weeks. It's because I've gotten so used to the idea that someone's always got my back and I don't have to worry about anything.

I'll be alright. I'm always like that. Burn out, build up, burn out, build up... Repetitive process I know. It's irritating sometimes but it's just my way of dealing.

Each time that I leave Melbourne to go home, I find myself thinking of the number of things that I need to do. The people I want to see. The people I care about and the people that I've lost touch with. There are so many. Too many. It's sad. I think about them quite a bit. But sometimes circumstances don't allow me to reach them. Call it me being stubborn but sometimes it's just better that way. I guess you could say that I'm just not used to being by myself anymore.

Insomnia. Really. It's fucked up. I want to sleep so badly but I can't. I want to be able to relax but I can't. I can't stop worrying or worse yet, thinking. I wish that I could. Really I do. It's not as easy as it looks though. I'm at a point where I'm listening to Chinese music on replay. Yes. We all know what that means. Some things are just impossible. Some things can't be done. And some things, you can never escape from.

Right now, I feel like I'm free falling. That creepy feeling like your guts are about to just come right out. I have no reason to but I do. All I need is... Well... I don't know actually. I scream and I cry. I try to understand why these things just keep happening. I doubt I'll be able to understand it any time soon. I feel so exasperated from trying so hard. Incidentally it was put to me that I never have to do things that I don't want to. I've always felt that way. And yet for some reason, I'm still doing them. It's not that I don't want to stop. I can't seem to bring myself to stop. I can't let go. I don't know why but I just can't. I wish so badly that I could.

All I need is... well... Right now, I'd like to say it. But I can't. There's so much complication that arises from it. Things always seem to get out of hand. I can't explain this situation to other people. I've tried. Close friends don't get it what more strangers. Some times, all it takes is just one person. That one person who pretends to listen doesn't count. The person that really does listen and can remotely understand. That's what matters.

I wish... I think you know what I wish for. I want it to be over so badly. I wish that things could be the way they should be. The optimum outcome. I know it's probably never going to happen. But I still hope. I still wish that it were so.

Be safe, I'll see you very soon.

I love you