when you can't speak freely

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

- Christina Aguilera, Hurt

I'm smiling but I'm crying. I'm laughing but I'm screaming. It's not as easy as I make it out to be. These days, I keep finding myself criticising people for being so childish and insensitive when deep down, I'm the one that is. It's not that I want to mind you, I don't mean to snap at people. I don't mean to say some of the things that I land up saying. But can you really understand what it must be like? I'm singing my guts out and I find myself stopping prematurely because I don't agree with some of the lines. I don't understand why I have to keep on doing these things. It's so painful. I don't want to have to live a double life. It's not fun, it's not easy to up keep. I know what I want. But I want two things that don't go hand in hand. I can't have both. I can only have one. But I don't want to give one up for the other. I'm trying very hard to make it through each day without blaming people or myself for the things that happen. Most of the time, it's not anyone's fault really. But we're all like that aren't we? We blame ourselves.

If I just had one more day. Just one more. It would mean so much to me. But I know now that it's gone and I can't have it back. I keep telling myself that I will eventually. But... It's gone isn't it?

But if it's gone, then why do I still hope and drive myself to reach the day when I will get it? I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. It's just a matter of days now. If I could be anywhere... It'd be there. Camelot. A Utopia that doesn't exist.

I feel very... broken. It's dangerous to be where I am now. Sitting on the fence is not a good thing. I'm sorry for everything. I know that this particular issue is my own fault. If only I had better control of what I can do. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I just... I just want to go.