great heights and long drops

I thought this is what I wanted. But is it really? I mean, if it were I wouldn't feel so... down right rotten. I don't understand the cause of it though. I don't understand the logic. I guess Daniel was right when he told me that life is a grey area and that there really isn't a black and white. It's... strange. Perhaps it's the thought of going home. A part of me misses home so much and yet a part of me doesn't want to go back. Back to the mess that's waiting for me. But even so, there's nothing for me here in Melbourne. It's quite pointless I think.

I belong at home. Not here. Not this place. I'm sure of that now that I've been here so long. But can I go back to being what I was? I don't think so. I've changed so much. I tasted it and now, I'm still trying to decide whether or not I like it. Does it always have to be so complicated? Does it really? Because it's beginning to look that way. I've tried to make things simple but they aren't. I tried to see things from an objected point of view. I've tried to look at the bigger picture but it's all a blur. My path is still a blur to me. I want so many things. I need many things. But right now, what I really need is clarity. Clarity that I don't have.

But then again, all things considering, I always want the things that I can't have. I always push myself towards goals that are unattainable and now I've reached a point of no return and I'm beginning to think about turning back even though I know I can't. What do you really expect me to do. To leave everything behind and just keeping going forward with no baggage? I don't think I can do that. It's not as easy as it sounds. Would you be able to make the same decisions as I am making? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I don't know. I really don't know anymore.