withstanding all of hell

You know what's ironic? The song Iris. It is ironic to me. I am still very close to giving up everything just to be ok. But then again that doesn't count because giving up everything equates to me not being ok does it. It's even more ironic how one can be the furthest and yet closest to heaven I can be. Technically speaking.

I won't give it up. No matter what I'm not going to give it up. I'll fight as much as it takes. Whether people give up on me and whether or not I win, I'll still fight. I won't ever give up. Not on this. Not on you. The only thing I won't fight are the tears. I'll let them be the last remaining thing was is real. If I have to hide myself from the world I will. I will do whatever it takes.

Be strong. I don't want to be the liability. I don't want to be your weakness. If there ever comes a time when you need me, I'll be there. I don't quite know what I can do but I'll be there as the one person that refuses to break. And I think we all know why. I love you. And with regards to Iris, I don't see the need for me to want you to know and see who or what I am because you already do.

Bring it on. I am ready to face whatever trials await me. After all, this is still only the beginning of a long and winding road. I don't expect you guys to walk with me. I don't expect anyone to come with me. But this is my choice and I choose to believe. If my nightmares have to be my reality, then I'll live it. What is a nightmare but a dream.

when you scream and can't be heard

Why. Why damnit. It's hard when you know and then you suddenly lose. It's breaking my spirit, it's breaking my heart and it's breaking my resolve. And the stupid thing is, I'm letting it.

But I'm not done yet. If you think that it's this easy to tear me down you are CLEARLY mistaken. If anything you've succeeded in royally pissing me off. And it's not just me now. You have no idea what you're in for. I will find a way. They will find a way. And when that's done there will be nothing to stop us. I will make sure of it. I'd risk everything. I will not lose now. I refuse to lose now.

There will be nothing left to help you. I just thought you ought to know. That I'll be there soon enough. And then we'll see who's having fun.

maybe I really have gone mad

I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was being robbed of something that is innately mine. My dreams have a way for working its way into the waking world or so it seems. It questions everything that I believe in. Everything that I know to be true. And I was afraid. Very much afraid. And then I started praying. It's something I haven't done in quite a while. But I was praying.

I want so many things. But right now, I can't bring myself to want things for myself. I can't ask these things. I won't. And so I will just have to keep moving forward with faith that things will work out as they should. And they will. I believe they will. I don't care if people tell me that what I believe in is wrong. It's still what I believe. I don't require validation from anyone else.

I will continue to live and function as I always have. Even if it means that I have to become something or someone that I never thought I could be. Do not be angry. It suffocates me. Please don't be angry. For yours is power. And power right now, is not worth it. Don't do things that will condemn yourself. Don't live to regret the things that have been done or have yet to be done. The future is in your hands and your hands alone. Please don't throw it away. Don't abandon what hope you have left.

I hate telling people what to do but sometimes, we have to wake them up from the nightmares that haunt them. Things don't always have to be so difficult.

discord

I'm too stressed out. It's been another crazy day. From panic attacks to collapsing on my bed to tonnes of coffee and little food. Oh and chocolate. Remind me not to stress myself out before exams. Ever. I think I'm really beginning to burn out. I don't know what to do. The perpetual urge to throw up is infuriating. I covered what I could. I'm still a still freaked out but there's nothing more I can do is there. I will find no comfort in sleep if I don't relax first. And if I don't sleep, I can kiss the exam goodbye.

This is not good. I'm just getting weaker and weaker. I can't give up right? There's still a long way to go and I can't possibly give up now. I shouldn't give up now. I don't care that my hair's in a mess. I don't care about anything anymore.

Because of all the things that have happened, I feel totally helpless. I feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do that would make things ok again. Do you know what it's like to care so much to have so many hopes and dreams only to have them all dashed one by one? Would you be able to cope with that kind of disappointment? Could I make myself cold to all of that again? Should I do it?

I keep telling myself that I have to be strong and all that shit but do I really? Things are just going to be more stressful. But I'll survive I suppose. But I wonder if surviving is enough. What would you do when everything comes crashing and your support circle breaks? How do you help them when you're at a total lost? I'm still trying. I haven't quite given up although I'm pretty close to it. I can't give up. I won't let myself give up. There's so much more to do. So what if I face disappointments and stumble into one mess after another right? Life isn't fair and I've learned to deal with it.

I'd like to say I live for me but I don't. I'd like to say I fight for my own sanity but I don't. I'd like to say that I'm strong but I'm not. I'm not as hard as people think I am. It's not always easy to just turn around and walk the other way. It's not always easy to say yes or no. There are a lot of factors that come into play. And ultimately I can't really give anyone any answers because I don't have them. This, I openly admit. I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to help you. I don't know what to do. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting any way. I'm still pressing on for a cause that I don't even understand. But whoever said you had to understand what you believe in right?

I fight because I love. It's the only rational explanation I give anyone. Even though that in itself is totally irrational. I don't expect anyone to understand why I do the things I do. In fact, I don't expect them to accept it either. What I do expect however, is not for them to judge me. They have no right. They do not know and therefore they cannot judge. How can you claim to care when all you seem to do is judge me. How can you call yourself my friend when you make zero attempt at even trying. Worse yet, how can you claim to be a true friend when you stab people in the back. How can a person lie so easily without any regret.

I don't understand people. I don't think I need to though. I don't think I need to like people in general. Of course there are some that I really care about but still, people are flawed. I am flawed. I'm not perfect and I don't want to be. I so desperately want to be happy but still I won't let myself. I don't quite know why.

Daniel asked me why I keep thinking that things are so complicated. He said nothing is really as complicated as people think it is. Problems are simple. People complicate it. I think he's right. I'm sad when I shouldn't be. Things could be worse right? There are a lot of things in this life that I should rightly be happy and grateful for. It's not that I'm ungrateful. It's just that I find it very hard to be grateful when I can't come to terms with life in general.

I'm really very tired. And yet I still won't give up. I suppose that's the one redeeming factor I've got.

For the record, I'm not talking about anyone in particular. It's just a lot of things happening and I'm just so... tired.

And by the way, Happy Halloween.

at the cross roads

What would you do if you were me? Would you do the right thing that will drag you down or would you to the right thing that will stop your suffering. They're both right to me. Think about it. Would you do what is expected from you or what you expect of yourself? What can you do?

There are many things on my mind right now. Immediate things mostly. The more I think about them the more troubled I become. I already know what I have to do. Even though I don't think I'm the right person to do it. I don't really have much of a choice do I? It's a do or die kind of thing. And to do is to allow things to become even more complicated and even more troublesome. I don't know if I can handle it.

All my life I've done things over other people without expectation of anything in return. It's just the way I am. Why should this be any different? It is. It always is. Responsibilities keep getting bigger and bigger and when I snap, what then.

I can promise no more than to do what I can and what I must.

14. 14. 14. Just 14.

Nooo!! This wasn't supposed to happen! It wasn't supposed to be like this! DAMNIT! I'm so going ballistic. Why? Why? Time and time again it just keeps happening. Over and over and over. Different people but the same bloody situation. And this time it's staring me in the face and it's clear to me. It is VERY clear to me. And what am I doing about it? Not a single thing. And this is going to? Screw me over completely.

I don't really understand what's happening but all I do know is, I've got to get out of this mess and fast.

harder to breathe

We tell ourselves things to make us feel better. We make excuses to validate our existence. We scorn others because we hate ourselves. We lie to people to make ourselves look better. But deep down, we still are who we are.

Why is it that I somehow have such a weird creepy feeling at the back of my head. It's like I've done a great wrong when I did nothing. I can barely concentrate. I have an assignment due tomorrow and all I want to do is sleep. I do these things unto myself. What's the point of fighting so much when in the end there's nothing? Why do I keep having to be strong? Am I being strong for those around me or am I doing it just to make myself feel better?

I can't seem to shake this feeling. I can't seem to concentrate on work. I can't seem to want to do anything but just vanish. Melodramatic? Maybe. That's what everyone says. But they'll never know why will they. How can they know until they see what I have seen. Feel what I have felt. And understand what is like to be able to do things and yet being completely helpless. Could any of you understand what it's like to be far away from the ones you love? Would you be able to tell me what to do? No. You wouldn't. All you'd do is go about your life pretending the world owes you when in actuality, it owes you nothing at all.

And when things end then what. Do you think you could be happy? There are a lot of things that I can't agree with and more than I can. But that's not really my issue is it? I don't live that life any more.

Because at the end of the day, we all go back to our own perfect lives. It's true. As much as you care about people, you still can't seem to think that their shit is worse off than yours. Because when you do, you feel less important. Less special. We're all fucking hypocrites aren't we.

I shouldn't be here. I really should not be here. But guess what, I am. And I don't have a choice.

pain

You have brought trouble to my house. You broke our laws. Our rules. You almost succeeded in separating us. This time, it is in the open and you are not going to be able to weasel your way out of it. I refuse to wish you luck because you will have none. With what humanity I have left in thoughts of you, I won't even ask God to help you. You've wronged us all and for this you will pay. Good luck to you because this wrath will be merciless and unstoppable. Although I am not permitted to lay even a hair on this, I will break it. And then, you will know never to touch me or mine again.

hate coz of love and love coz of hate

I hate you. I hate the fact that you lie to me. I hate the fact that you can't keep your promises. But you know what? I'll tell you what. I hate you because I love you and I can't hate or love any mortal person more than I do right now. I hate you so much for hurting me. It still matters. After all this time.

I don't understand you.

knocked off my feet

Running running. As fast as you can go. Just keep running. Never stopping, never seeing the things that you're missing. Not wanting to do my work is bad. Wanting to party all the time is short lived.

Why do people go for the things that will disappear. Can't they just stick to the things that they know are going to be there forever? I know this because I'm back to square one. Some things are eternal. There are things that will never go away. And we know this to be true. And yet, why can't it be enough.

It's bizarre. There's a fine line between a lot of things. It's quite hard to see.

Be safe.

random

Trimmings on a jacket
Flowers in your hair
That sparkle in your eyes
Brings people near

I never looked for
More than I can bare
Mistakes that we've both made
Still ring in the air

But you know
That as far as this story is told
There's a point where you realise
That everything's fine how it is

Red wine in the moonlight
With star dusted skies
Whoever said it's painful
Was lying to your face

Coz you do know
That as far as this story can go
At the back of your head it's so clear
that everything's the way it should be

Random phone calls
From random friends
Don't wait for me
At the end

Yea, you know
That this story is at the end of its road
There's nothing more to say
Except everything's gonna be fine

- Everything, MeL

Hello
My name is Edana
I know I've seen you before

Do you
Still remember
All the things that we said
And the things we couldn't hear

It's typical of you and I
To fight for everything we want
It's normal for you and I
To keep dreaming never to wake up

Edana,
Can you see me
I'm standing next to you
You look beautiful in white

I'm sorry.

I don't quite know what to call this last one. It just is the way it is. And I love it. I understand it. Do you?

My Beautiful Morning Star

You're always in my head
Always so near me
Still some how so distant
When you're looking in my eyes

You protect me
I understand
You care for me
I know
My wonderful star
My beautiful morning star

Traversing one plane to another
Taking one step at a time
I wish things could be easier
I wish it were simpler

You protect me
I understand
You care for me
I know
My wonderful star
My beautiful morning star

You keep me strong
In your warm embrace
No one understands
But it's a choice I made

You protect me
I understand
You care for me
I know
My wonderful star
My beautiful morning star

Trying to get away
From the things I knew were true
I've run so many times
Only to find you waiting for me

Maybe one day I will have my wish
One day perhaps I will have my peace
And when that day comes
Would you still be there waiting
Could you still keep me safe
Safe in between worlds

You protect me
I understand
You care for me
I know
My wonderful star
My beautiful morning star

- My Beautiful Morning Star, MeL

There was once young one taken from those she loved and all that she knew. Stolen from her origin. But this is not the story of the girl. This is the story of the woman she became. The woman that was made to be vicious when it is not in her nature. The woman who still weeps for the pain and rage that has followed in her stead. This is the story of a woman who loved the one that she could not love. The one that no one understands.

I'm scared. I know you. You are open to me and you hide nothing from me. Perhaps there are some things. But I understand that there are things that I must learn for myself. For if knowledge of the past came easily to me I would take them for granted.

You gave me a life that none of my kind could have. You brought out the strength in me when I thought all was lost. You protected me when I was still weak and unable to defend myself against lesser kinds who would seek to taint my already condemned being.

Many still wonder if you choose to be by my side for the sole purpose of convincing me to take your side when things end. I understand what I could, can and would do. But I do not believe that you are setting out to destroy me. I do not believe it at all. For if you were, you would see no need to protect me. Because where I am now, empowered ones could have easily taken me. But no, you chose to stay.

Your brethren speak of an untainted part of me that is bigger than I imagine or see it to be. And still, I find myself scared because I cannot choose. For I am what I am. That cannot change. It will be no small feat for me to relinquish that which I have been taught. That which I believe in.

I cannot choose because I love. If I did not the decision would have been made earlier with great ease. What makes it even more breaking and yet strengthening at the same time is that my love is not one sided. It flows from many angles from many sources. I fear that it will hurt you. But still my selfishness does not allow me to walk away. I will not see you fall again. I will not allow it even if it means great pain to take upon myself. I would gladly take your place.

Your strength keeps me. Your light shines down upon me. I love you my bringer of light.

Eternally,
Edana

many things at one time

You know what, scratch that.

I have decided that if anything, I shouldn't go looking to outside sources for help. If I can't help myself then what's the point. I know what I am, I know what I believe in and I don't really need to let some random stranger try and psycho analyse me. There are a lot of things about myself that I choose to keep private and a lot of things that I can let people see.

Having said that, I recently reaffirmed the fact that I am never alone. That and the fact that I am loved.

I do as freely as I wish. That will never change. And good luck to you if you try to take that from me.

On other things, Madhavi's birthday's coming up. In two days time in fact. And it is going to be BIG! I'm looking forward to that. There may be some things about it that I don't look forward to but it's ok. Kenny's right. I always have a choice. And I know me, I will find a way. I will find my way. And I will be safe.

And yet... you're always in my head. Always so near me. And yet at times I feel like you're so distant. You protect me I understand that. You care for me, I know this. My wonderful star. I wish things were simpler. But if they were, then everything would be different. And I might have not known of you or your warm embrace. My choice is my own. We all know that. Even though sometimes I wish it weren't mine to make, I know that I must. But for now, at least while I can still be as I am now, I want to stay within the warmth.

too much too little too late (20 questions)

Why is it that people keep landing themselves in positions where they do nothing but sink deeper into messes? Why do they keep doing the things that they know will eventually lead to their downfall?

Better yet, instead of asking why other people do it, perhaps it's best that I try and understand why I do it. It's times like this that I think I really need help. Professional help. I think I'm too messed up for myself to handle it. This switch in personalities has been bugging me for far too long as I'm sure most of you can tell. But... my family would never understand. My parents wouldn't understand. I just want to be... normal. I want to be able to be myself without being diagnosed as crazy. I want to be free of all these constraints that people thrust upon me. Constraints that I enforce upon myself.

I box myself up and keep my emotions to myself. It's slowly chewing at my sanity and what's left of my already condemned soul. It's nice that you have so much faith in me. But what you don't realise is, it's pressurising. I can't seem to talk to people. I have issues to deal with but I have so many. Too many to list out. So much to say to the point that I don't know how to begin. I wish I could. I wish I could be me.

sympathy for the devil

Of all the things to have happened over the past couple of days, there has only been one thing that stands out above all the rest. It's that as much of a survivor as a person can be, there will always inevitably be a point where they want to just give in to all the things that they know they should not. It screws you over so badly in the aftermath. It's somehow always so easy to say that shit happens. Or that we're only human.

YES we are only human. YES there is only so much that we can do. But we always have a choice don't we? I don't believe in a predetermined future. I believe that there are some things that are going to happen whether we like it or not but it is happening because of the choices that we make.

And yet sometimes the right or best decision doesn't always lead to immediate happiness. But life isn't like dream interpretations where you pay attention to the smaller things. Life is all about the bigger picture. If you think that you'd rather make yourself happy just for a little while and deal with the shit later or worse yet try to push it away, it's really your prerogative. But don't go blaming others who have had the guts to call it as they see it. Don't blame people for having their own opinions. You might not like what people have to say but you have to remember that more often than not, it's the people that give a shit about you who find it in themselves to tell you straight up or in a subtle way that this isn't the way to go. They may be right and they may be wrong but it's an effort none the less.

And yet... On the flip side, sometimes it may not be such a good idea to show someone you love so much care in hopes that you're actually helping them. Because it can just be another lifeline that makes them think that oh, so and so will always bail me out so it's ok. I can afford to do whatever I want.

Life's just complicated like that huh? But in the words of the famous punk rockers of New Found Glory, "everything happens for a reason". Memories hardly ever leave you. The ones that have a huge impact on your life never leave you. Sometimes it's just better to move on.

my angels, my devils

Another crazy week. Total madness. And yet I still find myself alive and well. More or less.

My hands are shaking. It's quite bad but I'm ok. Things aren't going to come crashing on me. I just have to hang in there. I just have to endure for a little while longer. I thank the Gods for giving me friends that I can be myself with.


this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

well I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
and are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I were to give in - give it up
- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
it could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

- Angels or Devils, Dishwalla

somebodies and nobodies

Guys don't work the same way. There is one guy I know who actually has it in him to back off when he needs to back off. Call when he needs to call and just do whatever he wants. But, he's the only guy I know that's like that. The only one.

Again Einstein's proved to be a night of drunkard chaos. Again I didn't spend a single cent. And. AGAIN I was drunk. It was exactly the same as last week? Only more twisty. TWISTY.

I'm still smashed. And I have 2 assignments due tomorrow. I barely started one. And the other... Well I'm royally fucked for the other so hey.

I'm just irritated. I'm irritated at myself I'm irritated with other people, I am just plain bloody irritated. We make mistakes right? But does that excuse make everything ok again? No, it doesn't. It doesn't right he wrongs. It doesn't make the pain and all the bad things go away.

Saying it is just a ploy to try to get you to feel better about yourself when you shouldn't.

I'm just going to listen to Close Your Eyes for a bit. But read this. It's something I got from a very good friend of mine.

"Love don't mean changing who you are to be who somebody wants you to be. Nobody has to belong to nobody."

25. i think

Let me tell you how busy I am this week. Tomorrow is the last Einstein's Wednesday. Friday is another thing at Einstein's. BUT I have 3 major assignments due on Friday. Two of which I care for over the others. And as for the weekend, I have to return the Crow and I have to finish all my advertising work. If I don't do all of these things apart from the Einstein's stuff, I'm royally screwed. Let's not even mention the up coming exams shall we? That will just have to be another bridge that I'll have to cross. Honestly though, I'd rather just study for Psych and screw the rest. But I can't do that can I? I can't throw everything that I've worked for away. Go Mel. You can do it.

Now if I can shake this infernal sinking feeling at the back of my head off.

I need a drink.

there were 5 at the start (27)

To the other four. Wherever you are. You will know what I'm talking about when you read these words. Be safe.

I am waiting for you
You're the one to chase my pain
With your guns and your fire
Can you save me from this place

Mindless thoughts of everyday
Makes me want to scream
Casting all my hopes in the water
Leviathan watch my dreams

Can you find solace in darkness
A sweet haven from the blinding brightness
I believe

I hear you voice travelling on the wind
As it whispers in my ear
Telling tales of fact and fiction
Illusions creep within

Can you see the path that lies before you
Would you choose the right from the wrong
I believe

Spiralling sands create the dunes
In a maze inside your head
Could you thread the lines of fate
Choices are hard to make

I believe any thing's possible
It's what keeps me alive
I believe

- I Believe, MeL

I do as freely as I wish

All the ploys. All the games. Was it worth it? Was it worth the trouble? Was it worth the mess? Do you think that it made an awful lot of sense to have had those decisions made? Does it make you feel better? Really. Does it?

Do you feel on top of the world now? I don't think you do. You're drifting in between places, in between emotions and it has turned you a monster. You are more out of synch now that you have ever been. I know you're scared. So am I. I'll still there. But you will never tell me. You will never be able to face me. I will find out. I will see. But you will never know that I know. You will never understand what it is like to be on the other side. You do not know what I have sacrificed. You will never see it coming. You will never know what I am willing to sacrifice.

Perhaps it's my way of dealing with it. Perhaps it is just me being selfish. But guess what. You don't have a choice. You don't have a say in what I choose to do be it for myself or for you.

I miss you dearly. It's been one week. Only one week. I will be seeing you soon. I know I will. You know I will. But what is left for you to choose is the manner in which I see you. You will always have that choice. You do have a choice to spit in all our sacrifices and everything that any of us have fought so hard to preserve. That is your choice. But if you force my hand, I will end it all and I will make it so that you will regret having me as one of yours.

My love for you will always be infinite. But God have mercy on your soul should I need to make the moves I have lying in the dark.

and the 8's have it

1. I can't sleep
2. I've been watching the sunrise
3. I'm irritated
4. I'm not thinking of anything in particular
5. I can't believe that despite how much I drank I'm still not sleepy
6. I'm this close to taking sleeping tablets
7. I'm probably going to do just that.
8. Wish me luck

31

It's hard. It's hard to say no. It's hard to say no to someone who I know has the slightest chance of making things right. But, the chance is slight and I'm not willing to take it.

It's a warm night. Too warm. I went to Einstein's. I didn't have to buy any drinks for myself because people were buying me drinks. I met up with people I hadn't seen in a while. It's funny how everyone there knows my name. It's amusing how I don't see it until it slaps me in the face. It's funny how I find myself to be so afraid. Especially when it's completely not me to be afraid.

I'm not quite sure what to make of this. I say no and they don't get it. Why don't they get it? Why can't they understand that I don't want anything at all right now. Why is it so hard to see that I'm not whole? It's not like I'm out there making myself look whole is it? Sometimes it feels like I'm just standing there and every one is just staring at me. If I were performing it would be an entirely different story. I'm used to performing. But I'm not used to people just looking at me. Watching my every move. Waiting for me to crack. As if coaxing me to falter. I won't give them that pleasure.

Am I really that bad? Is being me such a mystery? I don't think so. Frankly I think it's frustrating. I don't particularly put myself out there like that. Why.

Why me. Of all the things that are happening now, why do I have to choose such things. And I'm not just talking about guys. It's everything. People love pushing the decision making on me to the point it's annoying. But I suppose this is what happens when I decide to take charge of my life eh? Damnit. I make my own life difficult don't I.

How many times must he ask until I say yes. What on earth am I doing to myself.

32

It takes one thing to happen for you to see things for what they are. That's what someone told me a long time ago. I still disagree with it. It's not just one thing. It could be many small things. But what it really takes is, one small thing blown way out of proportion. It takes one misunderstanding and stubbornness, it takes an ego that won't dip even for the most loved people, it takes a certain amount of apathy as well.

That's what I believed. Right now? I'm in denial. I can't believe. I can't give up. I'm the last one left believing and if I stop too than what? I can't give up. I won't give up. I have to be strong. I have to fight. I can't stop. Who else will if I don't. It's just me in all my imperfection and all my problems. It's me with an entourage of people who pretend to care and a handful of those that really do. It's just a girl. Nothing more.

And let me tell you this, if I can still find it in me to carry on after what happened yesterday, anyone can. Cry as much as you need to, scream and shout if you must. But don't waste all your strength, you're going to need it. The people you love are going to need it. And although it seems like you're fighting for them, never forget that you're also fighting for yourself. What kind of a friend, sibling, lover, whatever are you if you don't even have it in you to protect those you love with strength that has no rival? Better still, would you defend the people that have hurt you? Will you continue to defend them even though you no longer see eye to eye? Would you utter curses upon hearing their name or will you be the bigger person and let it go. After all, even if it were for a short moment, there must have been something good between you that warranted all the anger that now builds up inside of you.

I find that as the year draws closer to its end, I can say that it's been a good year. Full of ups and downs. It looks like the downs out weight the ups. But that's not true. Because despite all the things that have happened, I'm happy where I am. Not because I know what I'm doing (because I don't), it's not that I wanted things to turn out the way they are now (because I don't), but because I've grown from it. I see things in a way that I never have before.

I still don't like the idea of my life being predestined even as I walk this twisty road. And what I like about it is that everywhere I seem to go, no matter who hurts me or who I land up distrusting, there's always one other person there. Waiting for me. Just for me. To realise that at the end of the day, even though everyone's more interested in their own goals with little concern for others, I'm not alone.

My stay in Melbourne would be disastrous and completely empty without the two of you. You know who you are. I love you many many.

BlackBlackHeart

You ever get the feeling that you're on the right path and yet it doesn't feel or look like the right path? At the end of the day you end up sitting around and watching the people that pass you by and realise that the entire world is wandering around hoping that they've got at least one thing right. But, they do. They're at least doing something instead of sitting there and procrastinating right? Right? I don't know anymore.

I find that it's just pointless. Having so much faith. It doesn't make any sense. It's like nothing really matters and our lives are already written without us having any say in it. There is no way we can screw up because it's already been written hasn't it? That's what religion promotes doesn't it? The fact that everything goes according to that one big plan. What the fuck is the point then? Please, somebody tell me. What is the fucking point. Why try so hard? Why want things so hard when in the end you don't get anything that you work for because ultimately you really didn't work for ANYTHING.

The people you call friends aren't really friends. Friends aren't people that stab you in the back. They aren't people that cut you down. That's not what friends are. And if it is, then call me an idiot for believing otherwise.

I still don't quite know what I'm doing. And I'm getting quite tired of it. I don't like the idea of not knowing what I'm doing with my life. I don't like just aimlessly doing things because I HAVE to. I'm sick and tired of being utterly nice to everybody. I'm tired of trying so hard to keep people happy at my own expense. And I feel utterly sorry for people who abandon thought and family just to get away. It is stupid and it is pointless. Because in the end, the people in your family are the only people you've got. I know that. I do.

I had a dream. That I was lost. And the only people who kept calling me were people that I don't even want to think of. People that have cut me up so badly that I scorn at their names and if I had images of them they would be printed on my own personally chopping board. How whack is that. I have no intention of letting people pull me down. If I'm going to go down, I'm going down by my own will. I refuse to believe that it is the will of some higher power that governs my life. I REFUSE. And should that be the truth of it all, then I'll just have to renounce it won't I? As painful as it is now and as more trying as it will get if I do, it will be one thing that I can and will do for myself.

PS: If you hate me so much, why are you still keeping tabs on me? Get a life for fuck's sakes. Or is it perhaps the fact that you are too insecure? Are you really that pathetic?

34

It's been... 3 days. I already miss you. I think it gets harder each time I have to go. But it gets easier when I finally arrive. For a while at least. How is everything? How are you doing? I'm sorry I couldn't say good bye. I wish that I could.

The world although through technological advances is smaller, it is at the same time, bigger. Doesn't it make things difficult? Cell phones, the internet... I can talk to anyone I want at any time. But knowing that they're so... far away, it breaks me. I get down to really thinking about things. Really over analysing things. I am happy but still, it's not quite the same.

Familiar territories seem so... foreign.

Familiar people get me through though. I wonder how long it'll last. I need to get back into the swing of things don't I? I know that when I do things will be a lot better. A lot easier.

I'll be home soon. Sooner than you think. I'll be home soon.

I'm so tired that I lit my cigarette up the wrong way. Stupid huh. I've been thinking about a lot of things. Dan Zhang, you know what I'm talking about right? Damnit. Why'd you have to go sleep?? Why do we have work and class and shit tomorrow? WHY WHY WHY WHY?

Why can't I sleep? See? I'm not making sense anymore am I? Ah fuck it, I'm going to watch a movie.

jetlag'D

I'm back. I'm tired. I'm busy. Life's just really surreal isn't it? I spend half a year in Melbourne and another half a year in Singapore. When I go to either places, it feels as thought I never left in the first place.

So far so good. Everything is as it should be. With a few exceptions that I do not quite get or care to get for that matter. I'm just... here and there. Awake and asleep. And all those polar opposites. I just don't want to be this tired. It's annoying.

PS: Daniel loves his sippy cup! Go Go Sippy Cup!

open fire

When life is all good, I believed in him. When the rain comes tumbling down and destroys your wonderful clothes, I believed in him. It's etched in my mind. Because even if the world ends and everything that you prayed would never happens lands up happening, I believe in him. No matter what. I will always believe in him. That is what I wanted to say. Despite everything, I will believe in him. I will always believe in him. I don't care what anyone says. If I don't believe, than who will?

I might be the last person on this earth that still has faith in him but hey, I will believe. And I will continue to believe even if it kills me.

It's ironic how just at the moment when I feel at peace someone has to come along and plant seeds of doubt in me. Well, I was upset because you doubted him. And you doubted me. You don't see things the way I do. I don't look at things through rose tinted glasses. Or Christie Cheung ones at that. I see things in a way that no one else could.

I've reached a point where only the people that I really love and care about are capable of affecting me. Otherwise, nothing and no one else matters. I can't stand liars right? There are people I can't stand more. Hard to believe? It's true. I hate it when people try to mould me into what they think I should be. It just gives me an even bigger reason to continue being me. And if you can't deal with it, than move. Go. I never asked for you to stay.

Oh by the way, if you're reading this, I find your blatant stupidity and your attempts at putting me down to be quite amusing. If you think that you can scare me, think again. I'm not afraid of you. There's nothing about you that I am afraid of. After all, there is absolutely nothing you can do to me. So go ahead, call me names. Insult me. I am quite happy that you take so much pride in trying to drive me into a corner. It only means that you just can't seem to get the thought of me out of your head. It's flattering. But still, I never could and never will love or care about you. So get over yourself.

your ignorance means my bliss

I've been missing in action for a while. Yes. I know. All the same, it has been a tiring week. Mentally and physically exhausting to the point that I really didn't have the time or energy to write. My holiday is soon arriving at an end and the impending doom of assignments are creeping towards me. They are too close for comfort. It's sad that just as I find the little peace that I've sought out, I must leave it.

But still, there are other things for me to look forward to. For example, the fabulous party that is being planned by myself with much needed help from Mel. How on earth I'm going to raise the money for it is another story altogether. Then there's the Hong Kong trip and the Bangkok trip. I don't think I can do all of them now can I? We shall see. :)

So my priorities at the moment apart from the exams and the final assignments are as follows: I need to get 2 dresses. Maybe even 3. And I need to complete one other outfit for another party. I suppose that outfit that needs completing can be fixed if I figure out what would go with it? Then there's the question of shoes. You can NEVER have too many shoes. What else is new eh?

So much to do so little time. I need to sort all of this out within a month. I'm not too worried about it though. I've done more in less time. So yes, while everything is still ambiguous, let me just say this, I have told a handful of people of the party plans. And they are stoked out of their minds. The guest list currently stands near 50. Not inclusive of friends of friends who I'd love to meet up with again. But yes. It will be BIG.

God, it's good to be me.

you = yam

I just got back. From Sengkang. Daniel and I... er... we were going the wrong way. And it wasn't my fault! I swear it wasn't my fault. We landed up in Sengkang man!! Ok for those of you who are clueless as to Singapore's geography, Sengkang is pretty darned far from where I live. In fact, today was the first day that I was in Sengkang! Well... that's as interesting an event as the night would have it. Considering all the things that have happened this week anyway. I'm too tired to blog about all of them.