32

It takes one thing to happen for you to see things for what they are. That's what someone told me a long time ago. I still disagree with it. It's not just one thing. It could be many small things. But what it really takes is, one small thing blown way out of proportion. It takes one misunderstanding and stubbornness, it takes an ego that won't dip even for the most loved people, it takes a certain amount of apathy as well.

That's what I believed. Right now? I'm in denial. I can't believe. I can't give up. I'm the last one left believing and if I stop too than what? I can't give up. I won't give up. I have to be strong. I have to fight. I can't stop. Who else will if I don't. It's just me in all my imperfection and all my problems. It's me with an entourage of people who pretend to care and a handful of those that really do. It's just a girl. Nothing more.

And let me tell you this, if I can still find it in me to carry on after what happened yesterday, anyone can. Cry as much as you need to, scream and shout if you must. But don't waste all your strength, you're going to need it. The people you love are going to need it. And although it seems like you're fighting for them, never forget that you're also fighting for yourself. What kind of a friend, sibling, lover, whatever are you if you don't even have it in you to protect those you love with strength that has no rival? Better still, would you defend the people that have hurt you? Will you continue to defend them even though you no longer see eye to eye? Would you utter curses upon hearing their name or will you be the bigger person and let it go. After all, even if it were for a short moment, there must have been something good between you that warranted all the anger that now builds up inside of you.

I find that as the year draws closer to its end, I can say that it's been a good year. Full of ups and downs. It looks like the downs out weight the ups. But that's not true. Because despite all the things that have happened, I'm happy where I am. Not because I know what I'm doing (because I don't), it's not that I wanted things to turn out the way they are now (because I don't), but because I've grown from it. I see things in a way that I never have before.

I still don't like the idea of my life being predestined even as I walk this twisty road. And what I like about it is that everywhere I seem to go, no matter who hurts me or who I land up distrusting, there's always one other person there. Waiting for me. Just for me. To realise that at the end of the day, even though everyone's more interested in their own goals with little concern for others, I'm not alone.

My stay in Melbourne would be disastrous and completely empty without the two of you. You know who you are. I love you many many.