discord

I'm too stressed out. It's been another crazy day. From panic attacks to collapsing on my bed to tonnes of coffee and little food. Oh and chocolate. Remind me not to stress myself out before exams. Ever. I think I'm really beginning to burn out. I don't know what to do. The perpetual urge to throw up is infuriating. I covered what I could. I'm still a still freaked out but there's nothing more I can do is there. I will find no comfort in sleep if I don't relax first. And if I don't sleep, I can kiss the exam goodbye.

This is not good. I'm just getting weaker and weaker. I can't give up right? There's still a long way to go and I can't possibly give up now. I shouldn't give up now. I don't care that my hair's in a mess. I don't care about anything anymore.

Because of all the things that have happened, I feel totally helpless. I feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do that would make things ok again. Do you know what it's like to care so much to have so many hopes and dreams only to have them all dashed one by one? Would you be able to cope with that kind of disappointment? Could I make myself cold to all of that again? Should I do it?

I keep telling myself that I have to be strong and all that shit but do I really? Things are just going to be more stressful. But I'll survive I suppose. But I wonder if surviving is enough. What would you do when everything comes crashing and your support circle breaks? How do you help them when you're at a total lost? I'm still trying. I haven't quite given up although I'm pretty close to it. I can't give up. I won't let myself give up. There's so much more to do. So what if I face disappointments and stumble into one mess after another right? Life isn't fair and I've learned to deal with it.

I'd like to say I live for me but I don't. I'd like to say I fight for my own sanity but I don't. I'd like to say that I'm strong but I'm not. I'm not as hard as people think I am. It's not always easy to just turn around and walk the other way. It's not always easy to say yes or no. There are a lot of factors that come into play. And ultimately I can't really give anyone any answers because I don't have them. This, I openly admit. I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to help you. I don't know what to do. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting any way. I'm still pressing on for a cause that I don't even understand. But whoever said you had to understand what you believe in right?

I fight because I love. It's the only rational explanation I give anyone. Even though that in itself is totally irrational. I don't expect anyone to understand why I do the things I do. In fact, I don't expect them to accept it either. What I do expect however, is not for them to judge me. They have no right. They do not know and therefore they cannot judge. How can you claim to care when all you seem to do is judge me. How can you call yourself my friend when you make zero attempt at even trying. Worse yet, how can you claim to be a true friend when you stab people in the back. How can a person lie so easily without any regret.

I don't understand people. I don't think I need to though. I don't think I need to like people in general. Of course there are some that I really care about but still, people are flawed. I am flawed. I'm not perfect and I don't want to be. I so desperately want to be happy but still I won't let myself. I don't quite know why.

Daniel asked me why I keep thinking that things are so complicated. He said nothing is really as complicated as people think it is. Problems are simple. People complicate it. I think he's right. I'm sad when I shouldn't be. Things could be worse right? There are a lot of things in this life that I should rightly be happy and grateful for. It's not that I'm ungrateful. It's just that I find it very hard to be grateful when I can't come to terms with life in general.

I'm really very tired. And yet I still won't give up. I suppose that's the one redeeming factor I've got.

For the record, I'm not talking about anyone in particular. It's just a lot of things happening and I'm just so... tired.

And by the way, Happy Halloween.