31

It's hard. It's hard to say no. It's hard to say no to someone who I know has the slightest chance of making things right. But, the chance is slight and I'm not willing to take it.

It's a warm night. Too warm. I went to Einstein's. I didn't have to buy any drinks for myself because people were buying me drinks. I met up with people I hadn't seen in a while. It's funny how everyone there knows my name. It's amusing how I don't see it until it slaps me in the face. It's funny how I find myself to be so afraid. Especially when it's completely not me to be afraid.

I'm not quite sure what to make of this. I say no and they don't get it. Why don't they get it? Why can't they understand that I don't want anything at all right now. Why is it so hard to see that I'm not whole? It's not like I'm out there making myself look whole is it? Sometimes it feels like I'm just standing there and every one is just staring at me. If I were performing it would be an entirely different story. I'm used to performing. But I'm not used to people just looking at me. Watching my every move. Waiting for me to crack. As if coaxing me to falter. I won't give them that pleasure.

Am I really that bad? Is being me such a mystery? I don't think so. Frankly I think it's frustrating. I don't particularly put myself out there like that. Why.

Why me. Of all the things that are happening now, why do I have to choose such things. And I'm not just talking about guys. It's everything. People love pushing the decision making on me to the point it's annoying. But I suppose this is what happens when I decide to take charge of my life eh? Damnit. I make my own life difficult don't I.

How many times must he ask until I say yes. What on earth am I doing to myself.