harder to breathe

We tell ourselves things to make us feel better. We make excuses to validate our existence. We scorn others because we hate ourselves. We lie to people to make ourselves look better. But deep down, we still are who we are.

Why is it that I somehow have such a weird creepy feeling at the back of my head. It's like I've done a great wrong when I did nothing. I can barely concentrate. I have an assignment due tomorrow and all I want to do is sleep. I do these things unto myself. What's the point of fighting so much when in the end there's nothing? Why do I keep having to be strong? Am I being strong for those around me or am I doing it just to make myself feel better?

I can't seem to shake this feeling. I can't seem to concentrate on work. I can't seem to want to do anything but just vanish. Melodramatic? Maybe. That's what everyone says. But they'll never know why will they. How can they know until they see what I have seen. Feel what I have felt. And understand what is like to be able to do things and yet being completely helpless. Could any of you understand what it's like to be far away from the ones you love? Would you be able to tell me what to do? No. You wouldn't. All you'd do is go about your life pretending the world owes you when in actuality, it owes you nothing at all.

And when things end then what. Do you think you could be happy? There are a lot of things that I can't agree with and more than I can. But that's not really my issue is it? I don't live that life any more.

Because at the end of the day, we all go back to our own perfect lives. It's true. As much as you care about people, you still can't seem to think that their shit is worse off than yours. Because when you do, you feel less important. Less special. We're all fucking hypocrites aren't we.

I shouldn't be here. I really should not be here. But guess what, I am. And I don't have a choice.