BlackBlackHeart

You ever get the feeling that you're on the right path and yet it doesn't feel or look like the right path? At the end of the day you end up sitting around and watching the people that pass you by and realise that the entire world is wandering around hoping that they've got at least one thing right. But, they do. They're at least doing something instead of sitting there and procrastinating right? Right? I don't know anymore.

I find that it's just pointless. Having so much faith. It doesn't make any sense. It's like nothing really matters and our lives are already written without us having any say in it. There is no way we can screw up because it's already been written hasn't it? That's what religion promotes doesn't it? The fact that everything goes according to that one big plan. What the fuck is the point then? Please, somebody tell me. What is the fucking point. Why try so hard? Why want things so hard when in the end you don't get anything that you work for because ultimately you really didn't work for ANYTHING.

The people you call friends aren't really friends. Friends aren't people that stab you in the back. They aren't people that cut you down. That's not what friends are. And if it is, then call me an idiot for believing otherwise.

I still don't quite know what I'm doing. And I'm getting quite tired of it. I don't like the idea of not knowing what I'm doing with my life. I don't like just aimlessly doing things because I HAVE to. I'm sick and tired of being utterly nice to everybody. I'm tired of trying so hard to keep people happy at my own expense. And I feel utterly sorry for people who abandon thought and family just to get away. It is stupid and it is pointless. Because in the end, the people in your family are the only people you've got. I know that. I do.

I had a dream. That I was lost. And the only people who kept calling me were people that I don't even want to think of. People that have cut me up so badly that I scorn at their names and if I had images of them they would be printed on my own personally chopping board. How whack is that. I have no intention of letting people pull me down. If I'm going to go down, I'm going down by my own will. I refuse to believe that it is the will of some higher power that governs my life. I REFUSE. And should that be the truth of it all, then I'll just have to renounce it won't I? As painful as it is now and as more trying as it will get if I do, it will be one thing that I can and will do for myself.

PS: If you hate me so much, why are you still keeping tabs on me? Get a life for fuck's sakes. Or is it perhaps the fact that you are too insecure? Are you really that pathetic?