failing miserably

I just read Jada's blog. She's right. Madz is right. Things do happen for a reason. And then everything just flows. I don't know, I guess there's nothing in my life that I'd want to do over. There are a lot of things that I've said and done that other people in their right minds would. So what if I've loved all the wrong people. So what if I've screwed myself over a thousand and one times. I guess you could say that I'm not too happy with my life at the moment but still, who's to say that things would be better or worse right?

I don't think they would have been any better. I wouldn't have met the people I know I love, I wouldn't have understood the things I do. And in all honesty, I would be a totally different person now had none of the things that happened happened. I know I'm talking in circles but what do I care eh?

It's not what happens to you in life that counts. It's what you do about it. Right? I know it's right but still I feel sick even thinking about it. I've missed tonnes of opportunities. Not because I didn't see it coming. I did I just watched it go by. I let it slide. And if anything I hate that about myself. If I could change that part of me now I would. But I wouldn't go back in time to take advantage of it.

runner runner run

Weird dreams Geoff. WEIRD DREAMS. I dreamt I was getting ready to get married. And the song that was blasting was Don't You by Dub Resistance. I was wearing a white dress and carrying dark red almost black roses. MY bridesmaids, there were so many I lost count, were in burgundy with White roses. I walked down the aisle to moonlight sonata but half way down, I turned and I ran. I couldn't see who I was marrying by the way.

So I ran and ran and ran to IHouse. I wanted to wanted to get back into my apartment but HE was blocking my way. He had that warm smile on his face like he knew I'd run. He had my cell phone and it was ringing. My ex was on the line. He looked at the name and looked back at me. He had that same grin on his face that I do when something really interesting is gonna happen. I was like Oh Shit... He picked it up. And the last thing I heard was hello.

This is what happens when you eat Oreos and too much candy before bed. Heh...

push n pull

I grew up knowing that I can do anything and everything I want. As I got older I learnt that it is not as easy as it seems. But the interesting thing to note is that you really can have everything. You just have to want it badly enough. And fortunately for me, if I say I want something it means I really want it and there for I get it.

However, here, I do not see anything that I particularly want that badly. I know many people and I am friends with them. I do not appreciate people trying to tell me what or who I want. I don't like the fact that people assume that I am with someone or I like someone just because I am friends with them. I've had enough of that kind of trouble with Luke, Kenny, Rick and even Geoff. But with Geoff it was a big joke because half of the people who made such assumptions were relatively afraid of us.

I also find it strange that people seem to think that I am this whole other person from who I really am. I am in no way a simplistic person. I just enjoy the simple pleasures of life including talking to my friends. Staying up late with the people that I find I can hold a conversation with. Be it with guys or girls. So for the record, if any of you are trying to instigate sleaze or whatever the fuck you sick perverts think of, none of it's happening. None of it. And I'm not interested in being involved with any of this bull shit.

By the way, I am watching Bride and Prejudice. I begin to wonder what would have happened had I been born into a family in India instead of Singapore. I wonder if I would have had to live that life. A life that I know nothing about. Sure my family's tight. Sure we hang out all the time. But now that I'm here I don't see the big difference. I begin to see that we don't talk. We don't at all. I wish we did. I really wish that I could experience a different life from what I know. It'll be hard I'm sure but I would like to. Just for a day or even in my dreams.

What is to happen now? With all this manipulation and back stabbing. It's worse than people fucking around. And the best part is they are. And I know. I've seen. They've told me. It's annoying that things are happening around me and people automatically assume that I will be greatly affected by them. I know they care and they don't want me to get hurt and stuff but really, I might as well know. I mean for God's sake I probably already know. And if you think I need to know then just tell me. What's hurts the most is not the piece of information you speak of. It's the fact that you lack the faith in my ability to deal with things. I deal best with complication. I deal best when I know what's going on. I hate it when people bounce on and tell me things at the last minute. I don't like it at all. It's annoying as hell.

Jada, Amran, Johanna, Madz, Intan. Melbourne would really be hell without you guys. And like another of our friends said, at least we're honest. At least there's still some kind of truth in this madness. I mean I don't want to worry about people who are false or deceptive. I just want to be happy. Or atleast I did. And now? I just want to graduate. As fast as humanly possible. I don't care about anything else anymore. I deal better with the shit back home. There is no shit to deal with here except rumours spun by people whose lives are boring as hell. Those same people somehow don't seem to understand that just because their lives are dull or fucked up that other people might just be happy. Is it so hard to understand that other people deserve happiness too?

So yea. I was dancing with this really cool Italian guy. What's the big deal. I wasn't doing anything else was I? I wasn't drunk beyond reason right? I've only been that drunk here once and thank God I had Chris, Amran and Richie (whose name is not Eric!!!) here to take care of me and be the emergency number to call in the even tI needed to get my stomach pumped or something. (No I didn't, they were over reacting hahaha! Didn't even wake up with a hang over. in fact I slept very well.) But that's besides the point.

Luke, you'd love Melbourne but there'd be some parts of it that you'd totally hate. I understand a lot about what you said to me now more than ever. Some people can some can't. And some just do because they know they must. As for me, I'm not forced into doing anything. I can do whatever the hell I want. I do what I do because I can and choose to. And for crying out loud is that's such a sin than so be it.

But after much thought, considering everything I am and everything that I know, it seems to be pointing in a strange and different direction doesn't it. Isn't everything screaming at me to run out there and take what I want? Snatch the candy from the baby if you will. But the huge question that's looming in my mind is, what is it that I want? Do I want progress? Happiness? Companionship? Money? Wealth has never been a great want for me. All I want is to be happy really. And in a way, I am. I have never been more happy despite the added rubbish and innuendo hidden in everything that's been happening. So what to do what to do? It's quite clear isn't it? Why else would the 6th card in the major Arcana appear along with 3 other court cards? COURT cards. Not the usual trump but the court cards. On top of that Kings and Queens. I know that some of you think I take this way too seriously but so what? This is what I am. This is what I do. Shouldn't I just be happy? Shouldn't I? Hmmm...

music is my radar

So sue me I'm using yet another skin off blog skins. This one's significantly brighter. A little more bohemian. I like it. I am going crazy. As in I'm driving myself crazy. I'm doing it again. The thing with the Swatch watch? The thing with the gloves? This time it's speakers. Hahahaha... Yes, SPEAKERS. Oh dear... MeL MeL MeL MeL MEL WHY MEL WHY! Why do you keep doing these things. Starve yourself to get something that you really don't give a shit about or better yet do things for people who don't really matter. *sigh*

Kenny got front seat VIPS at the Slipknot concert with free flow of Barons.... I'm soo jealous!!! But then again it's cool that he got to go, him being the huge fan he is and all. But then again, they're coming to Melbourne. But the sad thing is, I won't have anyone to go with. *sob*

And yet... I have to miss the Foo Fighters concert... Oh well...

hmmm

I was looking for a song that Saf told me about ages ago. I know I have it but I can't remember. But I did run into Don't You by Dub Resistance. It's been a long time since I've heard it. In fact, the last time I did, I was at your house wasn't I? We got drunk on Vodka and pain killers and stuff. Brings back memories of things that I never want to think about again. Damn it. Why did I even have to play that song for you. And it's such a pity because I love the song to bits and now I can't listen to it without you coming into the picture.

For God's sake, stay the hell away from me!!!

*sigh* I still haven't gone to Shawn's to get my Ravi Shankar CD or my Trainspotting DVD. Oh well. I'll live I guess. Damn it, I miss so many things that I feel so fucking muddled now.

karma baby

Ever feel like you were just wandering aimlessly through life? Or how nothing ever seems to fall in place?

Well, I feel sorry for you then. As lost as I have been before, I like to keep a nice big attainable goal ahead of me. And now I can see it clearer than ever. Life has never been more interesting or amusing to me. And now, I understand what it's like to live far away from the people you love. I mean the people you REALLY love. Sure I've got friends here but they know what I mean. I care about them but there're the others who I've built my entire life around. The people I really can't live without.

I'm on top of my game. I can do it. Everything will work out. What goes around comes around right? Then I've got absolutely nothing to worry about.

touching you makes me die inside

That's right. Get paranoid. That's all you're capable of isn't it? If you're not scared you wouldn't have to rely on blind trust. Little do you know that he's been calling me. Yea, me, the girl who is far far away and apparently far from your thoughts. Let him then. Let's see how your trust holds together. I want to see what'll happen to the 2 of you. All the lying and the cheating, he's making use of you. All because you're scared to let go. And guess what, they come back. Faster and faster and faster the minute you let go. You won't see it coming. The day he finds someone better. Or the day he finds out that you're just as bad if not worse than he could ever be. There're good people on this earth sweetheart. Just a pity that you believe so much that you're one of them when you aren't. Welcome to the dark side bitch. Sad thing is, you've infiltrated it and you aren't wanted. We both know that don't we. We all do. But by all means, keep on going about the way you are. I'm not about to help you or destroy you. It's just fun watching you destroy yourself.

I'd like to take a moment to thank the man of your affection for teaching me things that I would have otherwise never found out. Without you, I wouldn't be having as much fun as I am now. Or perhaps I might be having more fun. So yea, in case you were wondering, I've already regained all energies and abilities that you once took from me. Now I get to sit here far far away from you and watch as you enjoy yourself. Just a little piece of advice. Blocking me off your messenger and re-adding me and unblocking me just to say hi? It's sweet.

On to things of better significance, I begin to think that he just might be related to someone I dated a long time ago. Amusing isn't it? Or might it be purely coincidental that they look alike and have the same beliefs? For all I know, that is what draws me to him. The dark side of the moon that no one else can see. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be. All because I'm going straight down. And this time, I'm neither worried nor afraid. I see hell in your eyes. I see pain. I see torture. And I'm loving it. :)

MeLtiplied

Michael's birthday thing was FUN!!!! Apart from the fact that he got thrown up ahahaha :P And for the fact that Jades and the others left early. Omg... Everyone was buying me drinks again! Even though I offered to like pay for peoples' drinks they refused to let me get them any! So yea... I danced with sooo many people that I can't remember half of them!

Towards the end of the night, we were gonna leave but Shawn went back in for some reason or other. I think to go get Johanna. Chris told me to go after him so I did but before I knew it I lost him and found Dumi instead who made me dance with her hot friend. But I don't know what happeneed coz this strange Aussie dude started dancing with me and then I don't know what happened to the hot Indian guy . *sigh*

The cool thing about the Indian dude besides the goatess and the piercings and the gorgeous eyes was the one factor that intrigued me. His hair was longer than mine! Ahahaha...

Also, I bought a Ravi Shankar CD and wanted so badly to buy out the whole of Stussy. Haha. All the same, I'm a happy person who's going for round 2 tonight. It's Charlie's birthday and the cake's in the fridge. Michael loved his blue berry-baileys-honey-chocolate cake. :)

Have to start brain storming for the next birthday thing. I'm still thinking of whether I should send Saf something. I mean, we are friends right? Heh... And I've gotta figure out what to get Shawn. I mean for God's sake, what do you get the rich kid who can practically afford everything and anything he wants?! Anyways, you're ideas are GREATLY appreciated.

That's why you've been bugging me. Because she won't stop bugging you. You're classic. I hate you. Don't fucking call me. Ever. I never want to hear your voice for the rest of my already pained life. Don't force me. DO NOT PISS ME OFF.

damnit

Quiet night out in the breeze
Gazing at the clouds pass me by
Thinking bout the times we had
Feeling the things I used to feel
It's all gone and I like it that way

Horrible thoughts of death and decay
Saidstic thoughts of eagles wings
Even then thoughts of you reek my mind
What's a girl to do at night
Nothing to do but shut my eyes

I change my looks
Change my name
And still you find me all the same
There's nothing more to say

I leave town without a glance
I sit and write, I sit and cry
We're stuck in the middle, worlds apart
I wish you were near, I'm glad you're not

Don't ask me why, I'm not good with words
I can't say hello, can't say goodbye
Don't like to see that look in their eyes
Feels like I'm about to die

Don't look for me
It's hard to say
I've found someone new
Don't call or talk
I'm torn inside
I don't want to leave you behind

I change my looks
Change my name
And still you find me all the same
There's nothing more to say

- MeL, Goodbye

I do care about you darling, but still there was a big reason why things are the way they are. And I can't do or say anything to change the way you feel or the way I feel so I think we should just let it be.

happy sad happy sad happy sad. Which is it?

I was reading "He's Just Not That Into You." It's on my desktop. I can't be bothered to open the file and see who wrote it.Heh... But it does make a lot of sense doesn't it? Makes life simpler. But it's all about what the guy wants and in a way it's a little sexist but what do I care. It was a good read.

I also spoke to a very destructive Drey so seemed like she was gonna turn on me anytime.

But all that is not important. Today is a good day. And nothing is going to ruin that for me. It's my brother's birthday. He turns 28. I called him at midnight. :) I love you Melvyn Tan. You're the best brother anyone could ever have and no matter what happens, I'll always be there for you no matter how far away I am.

Yesterday was a weird day. I woke up with contacts and make up on even thought I slept with a clean face and my beloved Pablo Picaso specs. Oh well... I've been in a significantly better mood since I cut my hair. This haven't been going the way I wanted them to but since when does that happen eh? Doesn't really matter much to me at this point.

Is being happy and content so difficult? I was talking to my bro. He just got a PSP. Mom says she got me one too. But... I realise that I don't want one. I don't rightly know what I want though. I could do with some intense retail therapy at home right about now.

...

ever start liking the bet? I did. Feels like hell but... a bet's a bet right? nothing more right?

maybe they were right. I just wish they'd told me sooner. I don't know why I took it so well. Maybe it's coz I was still feeling very drained from not sleeping or maybe it's coz I was smoking? I don't rightly know.

Why is it that every time I make a bet with you it always turns into an annoyingly sticky situation? It's so Cruel Intentions of us isn't it? Heh...

i hate love

I shouldn't be online. I should be studying instead of sitting here. I should be dead instead of a live. That way less peoples' lives would be complicated.

Jon Jon, Luke and all my other loves whose names I'm too lazy to retype considering there are many of you - it's not going to work. He claims not to remember anything. So I sit here distressed, lost and home sick and yet sick of home. Sick of Melbourne but loving it. Hating this place that I now call home and loving it (only because my girls are all here.)

More than ever I want to be alone. More than ever I need to take off. (Again) More than ever I wish someone would just fucking shoot me. Or take all this away. Better yet, someone who can take me away and make me forget.

I want more than ever to seal everything that I am.

heh

This is kinda stupid but really, after talking to Madz and all, the more I think about it, the more I feel that I want to get married some day to someone who I can really love. Like spend the rest of my life with.

Don't think I've found him yet but I'm told that with each day that passes by, I am closer and closer to him.

:(

Why is it that you never call or never talk or answer for that matter. You tell me so many things when it's just the two of us and yet... Here I am sitting outside and I don't get any response. How many times am I supposed to prove to you that I mean what I mean? Is it really going to take that long? I don't want to wait but I do and yet... It's confusing and annoying all at once. Sometimes I don't know how to tell you what I want to tell you but I still have to. Annoying thing is I don't know how. I wish I did. I really wish I did.

Lying outside freezing in the rain
Waiting for a star to fall on me
It's painful and I wish you knew
If you did maybe it'd be better

Why won't you say the things I know you want to say?
Why is it so hard for me to say the things I mean?
Why is everything so complicated?
It shouldn't have to be, it doesn't need to be

It's late out and I can't sleep
Too many thoughts too many dreams
Just that thought of you makes me smile
A simple thing that I can't seem to have

Why won't you say the things I know you want to say?
Why is it so hard for me to say the things I mean?
Why is everything so complicated?
It shouldn't have to be, it doesn't need to be

There's no work no play either
Not at the rate I'm going
I can't think or breathe anymore
All because you won't be

Why won't you say the things I know you want to say?
Why is it so hard for me to say the things I mean?
Why is everything so complicated?
It shouldn't have to be, it doesn't need to be

来找我。我好想你。为了你，我想哭。来找我。我真的很爱你。我很怕。我想跟你说。 但是。。。 This is too complicated.

Anyway, here's a conversation I had with the gals when I decided not to speak for the rest of the night heh... didn't work out though... :P

you see intan told me to just wait out here and if he comes out then ask if he wants to watch the movei (like he promised)
but all things considering, i don't think he remembers and I don't think he wants to watch the movie let alone watch it with me. heck i don't think he likes me to begin with so hey, no love lost right?
damnit.
!@#$%^&

NO!
NO NO NO!!!!!!!

he's being annoying. and i think the more people ask him the less he will say or do anything. but REALLY, i don't think he likes me. i'm probably just over reacting again and making assumptions that are completely off.

what... it's true...

NONONONONONONONONONO! for god's sake, i don't ask richie do I? PLEASE!!!! If you even try I will find out and I will call and pester richie on your behald :) (actually i won't, I'm not that mean!)

I like this song :)

think i'm gonna try and not talk. for the rest of the night. UNLESS
he comes out :)

is he? well when he said tomorrow he could mean TOMORROW like friday coz i did ask him on thursday morning. but that's just technically speaking. besides, he was out here ALL DAY and stupid me, was inside. but but but he was sposed to have finished the fucking assignment today!!!!! (i'm going to post all this on my blog!)

i ain't no holla back girl!!

NO!!!!!!

duh... NOO!!!! if you talk to him you have to tell me!! whether it's good or not ok? Why... I have to know. that way i can get over him faster! Faster is good
but i have to know.... eventually I'll find out so better sooner than later right? better i find out now then when i've got assignments or exams and then it'll be worse coz i wont be able to concentrate.

thank you :)

what're you gonna ask anyways? heh... do you think he'd tell you even if he did think of it as a good thing? i mean he knows that we're close therefore he wouldn't really tell you right?

how can you be sure? what do you mean he should? i dont think he will... i wish he would just fucking tell me. (this song is annoying)

i still dont think he'll tell you but good luck anyways....

dont say his name!!! julien doesn't know!! i dont want the whole world to know...........

no worries.

she wants to ask shawn if he likes me.

im not making a sound unless he comes out!
(DONT FUCKING TOUCH THE SCREEN LA) :P

intan: my God.. people tonite really got issues... they are showing their tru colors and i like em... and someone just doesnt wanna talk... ish ish ish... er.. er...
i dunno what to say anymore... lalalalallalalalallalalallalalallalllalalallalallalallalalalallalalallalalalallalalalallalalallalalallallalalallalallalallalal..... hehe... this is private!!

my throat pain la.... pain to talk.

DUN FREAKIN TIPU ME!!!!!

pffffffffffffft!!

its now or never. make sure itw b\not too\ late.

What the hell are you talkin abt madhavi????? er.. i have to go now.. er.. SHADAP AMRAN!!!

eh seriously la, wtf are you talking about madz? i dont get it.... (DAMN YOU INTAN!!!)

mad your javla hora,beat it!!!!! mind your own business fucking french whore! and mel tomorrow you'll know everything and then you can go for it or get over it.
kisses your lesbians

1. EWWWWW
2. ouch....
3. see la these people, i'm the one who refuses to speak and now EVERYBODY wants to type -_-

hi.. this in intan again... im goin now but OMG! you people are like retards!!!! WAKAKAKKAKAKAKKAKAKKAKAKAKKAKA.. goodnite! hehe.. BYE!

ya ya fuck you too!

HEY! Du har liten snopp!!!! er.. tata..

but but i dont have a dick!! im a girl!!!! that's what you think.

shit heads i tell you these people! i can call people to tell you. if only i could speak. *sigh*

ok.. get lost bitch

juliens striptease is stuck in my head even jeff buckley=great
halleluja halleluja hallejula

amran doesn't make sense. OMG OMG INTAN'S BACK GTG!! (or not)

uhuhuhu.. yea bitches.. me back.. i decided to have one last ciggie b4 i go to sleep and i wanted to be a nice lil girl and pass my darlin mel the pics from last nite ! har har..

you smoke way to much!
oh shut the fuk up amran...

fuckk off love. i love you too much as it is

I've just been fooling myself haven't I? I was a fool to believe that for even a moment I could ever be truly complete. I don't want to do the things that I have to do. I don't want to give up. I don't want to be some random person on the street that doesn't mean a thing. I am not fucking random damn it.

I just... I don't want to be with anyone or anything. In fact, I want nothing more than to get my life back on track. I thought leaving home and coming to a new place would be a good thing. Who knew that it would be shit loads harder. Who knew that I'd meet people who're just like him. Ridiculously impossible to read or understand. People who I for some reason keep getting drawn to. People who upon further inspection, increasingly intrigue me. People I can't help but want to know.

Why is it that everything I say doesn't make sense? Am I that confusing? Do I talk in circles? Is it wrong to want so badly to find a moments peace with someone I can really care about? Is it wrong to turn away people who I don't want to be with? Why is it that people can't seem to be clear anymore?

Thanks to Madz, I have found that the human mind is a powerful tool indeed. You can will people to do things. Whether they really want it or not. Of course you cannot will someone who hates you to love you. You can will those with interest to stay. I begin wondering if I did that or if it was of his own accord. I wonder if he would have stayed if I willed him to.

I wonder. There will be other times I believe. There are a lot of things that I have little or great faith in. But this is one of the things that I will ensure I live by. My own will. The will of heart, body and soul.

I feel like everything I've ever prayed for is here. I can't begin to explain this explosion in my mind that's got me on such a massive high. I don't know how long it's going to last or if it's just some random thing. But here's to it being something that'll last.

Yes, I am happy. And no matter what happens now, nothing can dampen my spirits. I'm at an all time peak. And yet I choose my favourite songs to be sad ones. But still, what can I say. This is who I am. And as long as the people I care about know that I'm good. Besides, he knows me.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Iris.The Goo Goo Dolls

It's ironic in a way. That the entire song describes me. Luke, you know what I'm talking about right?

I wonder why it is I keep dreaming about you. In my dreams I begin to understand you more and more and see the likeness between you and I and yet the vast difference as well. I see myself reflected in the things you do. Perhaps this is karma. Perhaps I do deserve it. But I will not go down without a fight. I will have it. I won't will it to happen with anything out of the ordinary. I just know. I feel it in my bones. Amd it's out there for me to take.

On side notes, it was nice talking to Saf again and talking to Madz was great. The stupid thing at Einsteins was BORING. I was soo bored. So what if beers were a buck a pop. I was still bored. I came back thinking I'd go hanging out with Jada, Intan and Amran for a bit but I didn't really because Shawn and Marcel were there watching Troy. Ah well. Anyways, I have an assignment due therefore I must go complete it or forever be screwed.

I love you.

I begin to wonder if I'm the only one who's actually trying to make conversation. I really am trying and you're just sitting there not doing anything. You wanted to be friends and frankly so do I. Despite what everyone else thinks I should do, I'm actually trying.

Even as I'm far away the distance is still the same isn't it? Doesn't make a difference anymore does it? I thought so. And I cared. Oh well...

Stop avoiding me for God's sake. In fact I think it's quite funny that you are. And if I remember correctly, you're the one that wanted to drink and you were the one that started it so don't make it look like it's MY fault.

MY GOD. This other guy is such a CHILD. A fucking insufferable know it all. HE KNOWS I WAS PISSED. He KNOWS he's irritating me. He also knows that I don't want to hang out with him. You know what? Just because you can't get over it doesn't mean that I have to report to you. I never had to and I never will. So for fuck's sake, leave me the hell alone. It's like as if I can't do ANYTHING without you hanging around me. It's annoying. Please just fuck off.

It would seriously help if you just told me what's happening. Don't leave me in the dark just because I'm not there. How the hell do you think it makes me feel? Trying to make me laugh just to get me to forget about it isn't going to work either. I'll still remember it and I'll still be hurt because here I am trying my hardest to be happy and study and stuff and I know you lot aren't telling me things that I have every right to know.

I love you, I don't need you to keep secrets from me. No matter what you do, no matter how much trouble you're in, I'll always love you and I will always stand by and support you. No doubt about it. Please be safe. PLEASE be safe. I believe in you. I know you can pull through. I wish I could call everyday but you know I can't. I really do love you. Please please please be safe. I have so much to tell you, you have no idea how much I wish I could be with you now :)

argh

I'm irritated by the fact that I always have to suffer the consequences of someone elses actions. Why should I have to limit myself because of others? I know it's hard and all but really... Why is it that I have to suffer because of it... I know what's happening and I know it's not easy. (And I also know I'm repeating myself)

surf's up

babes!!!!!! I WAS SURFING!!! I SURFED!!!! w00t!

The beach club rawked. Jada and I had a tonne of fun meeting new people and watching all the others get drunk. I think of the 26 of us that were there, Jada, myself and this other dude, Jason, were the only ones sober! Be proud! :)

Anyways, I desperately need to unwind so that I make it for class tomorrow. Urk... Class. ACK project due!! uh oh....

surf's up

babes!!!!!! I WAS SURFING!!! I SURFED!!!! w00t!

The beach club rawked. Jada and I had a tonne of fun meeting new people and watching all the others get drunk. I think of the 26 of us that were there, Jada, myself and this other dude, Jason, were the only ones sober! Be proud! :)

Anyways, I desperately need to unwind so that I make it for class tomorrow. Urk... Class. ACK project due!! uh oh....

DM

I was reading your blog. And I read things that really meant a lot to me. Thank you. I know it happened yonks ago and stuff but really, at least it's getting better now. And things will be good. I promise. I've found so many new avenues out here. So many people who really do care. Coming to Melbourne was a good decision no matter how much I cried or how much I miss home. This place is helping me a lot. I don't think about the shit that I left until I start reading everyones' blogs again.

And babe, I still mean it when I said these are the best years of our lives.

oh... one more little tidbit that I thought you might want to know. I'm quitting smoking.

Thank God that I'm going the beach with Jada. Thank God for the new bikini. And Thank God that none of them are going to be there. I need a break. Really I do. I over slept AGAIN. Argh... So not good. Anyways, I've gotta go get ready. Torquay and infinite Rip Curl, Roxy, Billabong and Quicksilver await. :D

Sometimes I wonder what kind of stupid rep I'm building for myself. Sometimes i don't know why I do the things I do. Sometimes i don't know why I fall for the people I fall for and better yet, I don't know how it is that I can just block myself off just as easily. I begin to think that I really don't want to have anything to do with anyone anymore. i give up. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. To hell with it. Really. To FUCKING HELL with them. With their stupid games. To hell.

A friend of mine, Amran, just dreamt of Conventina and Gabriel. I'm sure it was them. I know it was them. She was trying to wake him up.

if anyone can help me out, i need this interpreted.
Past: Inverted Fool
Present: Hermit
Future: 4 Wands
Overview: Lovers

I know what it means but I don't want to be reading it as it is.

And here's the second one.
Past: Inverted Chariot
Present: PAge Wands
Future: 6 Swords
Overview: Judgement

See, I don't want to feel things but I do. I don't want to think about some people but it's so hard. It's getting worse everyday. Sometimes it's suffocating. I hate being cornered. I hate people talking about me. I hate it all. I don't understand why people can't just let me be. And why I just can't be happy no matter how much I try. And believe me, I'm really trying but people are making it all the more difficult for me.

I begin to wonder if I'm gonna wake up every morning feeling this shitty. I don't understand why people have to say things about me that I didn't do. If I did do them then FINE. But I didn't.

things I love about Melbourne
- finding people who love music as much as I do
- meeting people who know their shit
- people who are less pretentious
- genuinely sweet people
- honesty that transcends distance

hahaha I know you can get the same thing anywhere else in the world but hey, it's comforting knowing that at least I'm not alone. Oh and by the way, Shawn and I finished the JD. AHAHAHA I've still got.... a Carlton Cold, 2 Cowboy shots and half a bottle of wine. I'll live :)

MeL's Born life

I lurve Melbourne. I LURVES IT to the core!! :D Gonna head out to Vic Market today again with Intan, Mads, Jada, Chris and I'm not sure about Amran and Joahanna though...

Damn you Shawn! You were supposed to help me finish the JD yesterday but noooo! You didn't!
You didn't even come!!! Never mind. Today I shall SHOP :D

say nothing of it. even if people ask, say nothing. please. hearing from you was amazing. i love you too but there is a reason why it didn't go on. even though we were both young and stupid. i don't need to proove anything to anyone. please just don't say anything. in fact, deny it. you'll find someone who's there with you who'll make your life complete. someone who's just right for you because we both know i'm not. it took so long for us to get this far. you know i do love you and i should say yes. but... you know why i can't as well... i'm sorry. but i love you.

please forgive me, i know not what i do

Block me Nas. Go ahead. :)