push n pull

I grew up knowing that I can do anything and everything I want. As I got older I learnt that it is not as easy as it seems. But the interesting thing to note is that you really can have everything. You just have to want it badly enough. And fortunately for me, if I say I want something it means I really want it and there for I get it.

However, here, I do not see anything that I particularly want that badly. I know many people and I am friends with them. I do not appreciate people trying to tell me what or who I want. I don't like the fact that people assume that I am with someone or I like someone just because I am friends with them. I've had enough of that kind of trouble with Luke, Kenny, Rick and even Geoff. But with Geoff it was a big joke because half of the people who made such assumptions were relatively afraid of us.

I also find it strange that people seem to think that I am this whole other person from who I really am. I am in no way a simplistic person. I just enjoy the simple pleasures of life including talking to my friends. Staying up late with the people that I find I can hold a conversation with. Be it with guys or girls. So for the record, if any of you are trying to instigate sleaze or whatever the fuck you sick perverts think of, none of it's happening. None of it. And I'm not interested in being involved with any of this bull shit.

By the way, I am watching Bride and Prejudice. I begin to wonder what would have happened had I been born into a family in India instead of Singapore. I wonder if I would have had to live that life. A life that I know nothing about. Sure my family's tight. Sure we hang out all the time. But now that I'm here I don't see the big difference. I begin to see that we don't talk. We don't at all. I wish we did. I really wish that I could experience a different life from what I know. It'll be hard I'm sure but I would like to. Just for a day or even in my dreams.

What is to happen now? With all this manipulation and back stabbing. It's worse than people fucking around. And the best part is they are. And I know. I've seen. They've told me. It's annoying that things are happening around me and people automatically assume that I will be greatly affected by them. I know they care and they don't want me to get hurt and stuff but really, I might as well know. I mean for God's sake I probably already know. And if you think I need to know then just tell me. What's hurts the most is not the piece of information you speak of. It's the fact that you lack the faith in my ability to deal with things. I deal best with complication. I deal best when I know what's going on. I hate it when people bounce on and tell me things at the last minute. I don't like it at all. It's annoying as hell.

Jada, Amran, Johanna, Madz, Intan. Melbourne would really be hell without you guys. And like another of our friends said, at least we're honest. At least there's still some kind of truth in this madness. I mean I don't want to worry about people who are false or deceptive. I just want to be happy. Or atleast I did. And now? I just want to graduate. As fast as humanly possible. I don't care about anything else anymore. I deal better with the shit back home. There is no shit to deal with here except rumours spun by people whose lives are boring as hell. Those same people somehow don't seem to understand that just because their lives are dull or fucked up that other people might just be happy. Is it so hard to understand that other people deserve happiness too?

So yea. I was dancing with this really cool Italian guy. What's the big deal. I wasn't doing anything else was I? I wasn't drunk beyond reason right? I've only been that drunk here once and thank God I had Chris, Amran and Richie (whose name is not Eric!!!) here to take care of me and be the emergency number to call in the even tI needed to get my stomach pumped or something. (No I didn't, they were over reacting hahaha! Didn't even wake up with a hang over. in fact I slept very well.) But that's besides the point.

Luke, you'd love Melbourne but there'd be some parts of it that you'd totally hate. I understand a lot about what you said to me now more than ever. Some people can some can't. And some just do because they know they must. As for me, I'm not forced into doing anything. I can do whatever the hell I want. I do what I do because I can and choose to. And for crying out loud is that's such a sin than so be it.

But after much thought, considering everything I am and everything that I know, it seems to be pointing in a strange and different direction doesn't it. Isn't everything screaming at me to run out there and take what I want? Snatch the candy from the baby if you will. But the huge question that's looming in my mind is, what is it that I want? Do I want progress? Happiness? Companionship? Money? Wealth has never been a great want for me. All I want is to be happy really. And in a way, I am. I have never been more happy despite the added rubbish and innuendo hidden in everything that's been happening. So what to do what to do? It's quite clear isn't it? Why else would the 6th card in the major Arcana appear along with 3 other court cards? COURT cards. Not the usual trump but the court cards. On top of that Kings and Queens. I know that some of you think I take this way too seriously but so what? This is what I am. This is what I do. Shouldn't I just be happy? Shouldn't I? Hmmm...