DISTINCTION!! :D Ok fine so it's not that big of a deal but it's a massive improvement. That and everything my lecturer said to me. I swear I think that's all I needed. A morale boost. It wasn't a big one but it was a good one none the less. My mother has gone on to telling the entire world now. I shall never live it down. :S

So yea. I had lunch with Elaine and we were talking about old times. Happy and yet more stressful times. Ironically I miss it. The perpetual rush from assignment to class to assignment and the total lack of sleep even if the assignment was only worth 10%. It was just pure drive to excel without being nagged by anyone. I find that when no one bugs me to study or do work, I'm much happier. As in I'm more willing to get it done. Also, seeing other people study motivates me to study. But I think the one thing that gives me ultimate pleasure is knowing that I'm working hard whether or not anyone else is.

I've successfully managed to classically condition myself to love studying as much as I love playing a game. Just this evening 2 hours just breezed by while I was reading up on Media Representation. And in that span, I managed to grasp Marxism. Not bad huh. But then again it's not like this is my first encounter with Marx. I swear, he makes Freud look like child's play. Let's face it, Freud is easy to grab grasp. If you really think about it, all there is to remember is the subconscious theory and how everything is in one way or another related to sex. Yes. Ultimately, it is the one thing that humans can't do without. According to him that is.

Otherwise, I've been happily studying Soci and taking short breaks in between to chat with people. Also, I've grown to like those turn based online games all over again. Don't scream. Currently it's between Monsters Game (yes I know it's name is preettty lame) and Utopia. Utopia. Who remembers that? I played it in Secondary school man... That was soo long ago. I played it with.... Jaeson. The guy from Hong Kong. Shit, I wonder how he's doing. Haven't heard from him since 'O' Levels... But then again I'm not really in contact with many of my ex-secondary school mates. A part of me misses those days too. I was... More carefree. Well... at least I didn't smoke back then. HAHA! But in all honesty, Poly days were t3h b3st! I miss you guys loads... I know I don't call anymore but it doesn't mean that I don't love you k?

PS: For God's sakes woman, I think you're a great dancer. You're shit loads better than what I've seen. Really. You're good. I think the only reason why you won't let yourself believe that is coz you're a perfectionist to an extent. So yea. I think you're good. Therefore you are good!!!

I dreamt that I was in a store of sorts with my house mate, Madhavi. And for some reason all around us were contestants for some beauty pagaent. All we knew was that we were locked in. OUt of no where, Wayne Brady from Whose Line is It Anyway comes crash through the glass door that blocked out escape.

Right after that Madhavi and I left that place and went to but cookies from Famous Amos. We were both broke and I was the only one with a debit card on me. So she asked me if I could just pay for her cookies and cigarettes. The funny thing is, she doesn't smoke. She's only a social smoker that smokes when she's either a) drunk or b) clubbing unlike the smoke-aholic me that smokes all the time.

So from there we decide to find an ATM machine. But I'm just thinking why can't I call my mom and get her to transfer the money for me. Walking aimlessly, we run into another house mate of ours who waved and said hi to the both of us. I managed a really tiny smile whereas she... She just was indifferent to it all together and walked straight by. I tried to be sympathetic but that's just not me to waste my time. Before anything else could happen, I lost Madhavi and was walking through some sort of weird carnival in Uni. It had the 'freak' shows that I so often heard about and never got to see. In the midst of walking through, who should I find but, MY MOTHER?! Haha. No seriously.

But as far as I was concerned I was 'questing' for the Holy Grail the ATM Machine. So we both start hunting for it while looking around at the strange people. Some of them dressed as ghosts and following the shadows of random people. However why they were see through and floating in the air was beyond me. It should've been a give away right there and then.

Sooner rather than later, we found ourselves looking at this strange creature in a bath tub of sorts. It was part human and had the complexion of a bald albino. Another thing was, past his torso, there were no other human anatomical forms. It was like a large aero head, the lower half of his body. It looked up at my mom and I longingly before it uttered the words "ma... ma..." WE screamed and we ran and we ran and we ran. Afraid to turn back to see if we had gotten away because we were certain that we heard splashes and more errant "ma ma" screams.

However, we did manage to find an ATM. Some old guy and some nice police officers let me use it first. I popped the card in, keyed in my pin and tried to press the button that would show me current balances. But I woke up only to find myself pressing the metal bars that are my bed's frame.

Weird. Cookies, Cigarettes, Ghosts, Friends, Adversaries, My mom and Money. All in one huge dream. I suppose my sleep cycle is back to normal again?

Well we all know what happens when I start having weird dreams. It finally means that I'm starting to get too used to the pattern of things. And now it's time for a change. A nice, big, sometimes scary, change.

Ok my blog obsessed friend! You're going to get worse than me if you keep at it! Ahahaha. Ok that was random.

So far so good. I've read my psych book! Or at least everything that is going to be covered in the exam. Oh no, I am no where near prepared yet. That was just round one. Today, I managed to cover one chapter of Sociology. More or less. It was the easy one so I didn't really need to focus that much. But. Tonight, I shall go through media representation. Perhaps I really should just do my damned assignment and get it over and done with. Then I can focus on the exams. But... Believe it or not, I'd rather study for the exams than do this blasted assignment. Yes I've cursed at it numerous times. And not a single one helped me out. So yea, whatever :P

Anyways, I'm off.

PS: Kenny!!! Fate/Stay Night is GOOOOOD!!! Right up to the later bits when Shiro goes and... well... you know. Argh! But that bit was predictable. Still... Gilgamesh... :D And to think this whole time I though it was Giglamesh. Eeek!

My angel. My one and only angel. The one that can talk sense into my nonsensical mind. My anchor. My strong hold. The last one that I have, without whom I would have succumbed to delusional dreams and blissful nightmares that have already begun to haunt me. My archangel that does a lot more than jump of a building to show that he can fly. The one that does not need to resort to superfluous means to shed light in my darkened world. The one that keeps the eminent darkness in me in check. The one that extinguishes the flames that burn me.

My ability to read is diminishing in my plight. My thoughts are scattered and I would love nothing more than to digress from axons and optical chiasms. Yes. It is chiasms and not chasms.

It is at times like these that I feel like I can just go on and be hysterical and misunderstood. That's not the word I'm looking for but amidst the chaos that engulfs, it will suffice.

I want to be a Ptolemy. One that starts a dynasty that is remembered through the ages. I am almost certain that it is within my grasp and that one day the world will hear my screams and although not necessarily have sympathy, heed my warnings or feel my pain, but just know that I am who I am. And that I exist whether I am cherished or despised.

I vaguely recall a time where I resonated in the hearts and minds of those I held dear. I remember a time when what I said, thought and felt mattered. These days I often wonder where that strength has disappeared to. I wonder where my resolve went. It's somewhere around isn't it? After all, we cannot truly forget what we are. And that is what I am. Or at least what I used to be. A resolve. A reason. I was me. I still find myself wondering what happened to the girl that used to be and why she became the girl that was.

It is part of the change isn't it? I feel it coursing through my veins. I feel things that I have not felt in a long long time. I reminisce more often now than I have before. Do you remember when I used to sign off as "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I am The prodigy."? I scribbled that on my noticeably small white board. And I added this: "She who was, is and has yet to come. The prodigy lies in slumber, waiting for her time to shine." I can't help but think that I have missed my time. And it is just barely out of reach.

I did not realise that I had transferred my dislike of one person to another. I find it unbelievable that I replaced the distrust with trust and the trust with distrust. To a person who has lost my trust and a little of my respect but not my care. I only begin to realise how I have diminished in my beliefs. All because now, I choose not to speak them. For if I did, things would be a lot worse than they already are.

I have existed from age to age. From the time life took it's first breath. And when the last living thing in all the planes fades, my task will be done. - I am not speaking of myself of course. I expect that very few will know to whom that reference was made to. I am not her and she is not me. But she is a part of me. I don't mean to sound cryptic or morbid, but if she were to come to me in this hour, I would not resist. As much as I have so much more to do, so much more to accomplish and so many of whom I hold dear, and even more that I miss, I would not resist.

I told someone today that we must live our lives with optimism and not pessimism. And yet here I am. I'm on neither. Sitting on the fence again. And one day I am going to be flung. There is a fine line isn't there? And we cannot stand in the middle. Life is full of many choices. Taking one path eliminates all the possibilities of the other.

I used to think that I was ok. I used to tell everyone something along the lines of what Amy Lee so eloquently croons "don't try to fix me I'm not broken". But after much contemplation, about a half hour's worth, I am that which I claim not to be. I am a broken person. A shell of my former self. And so I must ask the most selfish thing that I could ever ask.
When will your light guide me home?
When will the ache in my bones ignite and in doing so leave me?
When will you be able to fix me?
Because I cannot stand to be so shattered. I cannot bare this burden. Or at least I have made myself believe that I cannot. When will help come? Is hope really on the way for me? Is this the chronic depression he spoke of? Is this another test? Another trial? Another journey onto which I must embark alone? Why must I be alone. Why can't I have someone beside me just to walk with me. Or has there always been beings beside me, guiding and helping me along the way. Ones who pick me up as I fall. Or have I taken them all for granted.

I keep telling people that I'm just me. And I might not be of much help. But if it makes a difference, I will listen. And I will try. And I will be there. And I will be what they need. That I can be that pillar of strength on which they can draw from.

But.

Yes, but. Have I lied to myself? Have I let myself down? Is this a nightmare from which I cannot awake. Am I too exhausted to deal with that which I must? Should I lay myself down to rest? Should I worry about myself over others? Can I find it in me to be that selfish? Can I learn to say no to those that I can help even though it is an inconvenience?

Have I blown things out of proportion? I feel like I'm crumbling. I know that I cannot answer the question "what is wrong?". I know. But I can't explain. It's hard. I... I need somebody. Somebody who won't judge me. Somebody who knows who I was, and knows the me that is now. Somebody that accepts me for my mistakes and achievements (if any). I find that the tag line to Singapore anti-drug campaign, one by one, all my brothers leave me, is not just subjected to drugs or gangs or these dark underground areas of this world.

It's ok i suppose. I always make it in the end. I'm not ready to give up. But for now, I'm tired. And I need someone to hear me. Someone to just listen to me. That in itself is comforting. That is enough for me. Because some of the people who I thought would be with me till the end have already left having had a taste of exactly what I meant. I don't blame them for being afraid. But I can only ask them of one thing. That they do not pin their misfortunes on me. I am in no way a good or bad luck charm. I am not a charm at all. I am neither good nor bad either. I'm a mix. I am dual in nature. That was an option laid before me, and it is the path I have chosen for myself.

As much as any of you would hate to believe it, I would have stood by you. I would if I could. Devil or Angel, Light or Dark. None of that mattes to me because I am in no position to cast stones for reasons that I myself am bound to. I am reason enough to survive. But I do not live my life for myself. I live so that others may live after me. So that others will not have to bare this burden. So that others can see the world through my eyes. And I can assure you, they are not rose tinted.

I am just... A mirror. A mirror to the lighter and darker side of the moon. Now who can tell me where that pop culture reference is from.

You want to know what sucks? I'll tell you. Being given bandwidth freedom only to have it taken away. To have been given a connection and a working ethernet port in the comforts of your own room (in which you can do as you please in, in my case smoke my lungs black), and have it taken away.

My room's internet is down. And if I stay in this blasted hall for too long, I will inevitably drive myself insane. But all the same, it is my one route to getting my email into my computer and thereby avoiding a massive jam that will come if I leave it unattended to for too long. If I am to have the internet service that I paid for and therefore DESERVE, I should be up and running by tomorrow. And I swear if that computer guy who I have been forced to ring up charges me, there will be hell to pay. But thankfully, there is one thing that keeps me calm.


Come to decide that the things that I tried
Were in my life just to get high on
When I sit alone come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time
Step from the road to the sea to the sky
And I do believe it, we rely on
When I lay it on come get to play it on
All my life to sacrafice
Hey oh listen what I say oh, I got your
Hey oh now listen what I say oh
When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more time to decide on
When it's killing me, when will I really see
All that I need to look inside
Come to believe that I better not leave
Before I get my chance to ride
When it's killing me, what do I really need
All that I need to look inside
Hey oh listen what I say oh, come back and
Hey oh look at what I say oh
The more I see the less I know
The more I like to let it go...hey oh, whoa
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow
Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder
And it's so white as snow
Running through a field where all my tracks will
Be concealed and there is nowhere to go
When to descend to amend for a friend
All the channels that have broken down
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up
Just to hear you sing it out
Step from the road to the sea to the sky
And I do believe what we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice
Hey oh listen what I say oh, I got your
Hey oh listen what I say oh
The more I see the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go...hey oh whoa
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow
Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks
Will be concealed and there is nowhere to go
I said hey hey yeah, oh yeah tell my love now
Hey hey yeah, oh yeah tell my love now


No presents to the one that can rightfully identify the song and artist. It is far too obvious.

I won't claim to understand what you're going through. I can barely imagine what it would be like. We're different people you and I. The one thing that we're bound by, is friendship. We're only getting older aren't we? Bigger responsibilities, bigger responsibilities, an infinite amount of emotions that we can't seem to shake.

Moving on seems like running away doesn't it? Just another temporary escape until we finally manage to figure out what the real problem is. For me, the problem is just in me. It's usually the case for others as well. We look to the outside and blame other people and in the process we hurt the people we love the most. Our friends, family... The people we thought would stick by us till kingdom come. I hope you have the strength to stop yourself before something really bad happens. No. You can stop it. I don't need to hope for it do I?

I can hope. I am hoping. It doesn't come as easily to me as it used to. My hope comes from a myriad of thoughts and countless roads that I have chosen for myself. The life I lead now is one that I have moulded for myself. It's not pretty or fine and dandy but it's still what I chose. I'm not sad or angry with it. In fact, with all it's difficulties and frustration, I'm actually happier than you'd think I am.

We all have our own shit. Our own issues. And until we sort them out, or at least see that it's not really that bad, we'll remain caught in a web. The same web that we spin for ourselves. So hang in there. You aren't alone. When you can see that you've got people by your side, nothing's impossible. In fact, even if it's just you again this mad world, have faith. Faith that you'll turn out ok. Faith that you aren't forgotten and that somewhere out there, someone does care about you. And maybe even love you.

But for now, I want to be able to see. I want to be able to feel. What is this... notion of love and care that keeps me going.

PS: I read in the toilet too.

I have reached a point where I understand why I am doing this. The minute you come in to the picture, it's not about people. It's about... well, you know. It's infuriating. Quite personally, back then I wouldn't have minded. But now? Now it's different. I've changed and so have you. I'm not a toy that you play with whenever you want and left to collect dust when you don't. I'm not an object. I'm a person. A complex one according to Freddy. Perhaps that's the problem.

Complication after fucking complication. Like I don't enough to deal with right now. Why is it that people seem to love coming in and wrecking what little I have? I'm not really pissed off about that though. It's a distraction. I welcome distractions at this point. Especially now that there are an infinite other things that I cannot do anything about.

Look, I'm sorry I'm being vague again. But this time, the Kevin is... Well... I am. I am pushing myself to the edge of reason. It hurts where I am. But I've still got loads of reasons to keep going. I'll be with you. No. I'm always with you. Be safe.

PS: Stadium Arcadium. I LOVE!


Bells around St. Petersburg
When I saw you
I hope I get what you deserve
And this is where I find
Smoke surrounds your perfect face
And I’m falling
Pushing a broom out into space
And this is where I find a way

The stadium arcadium
A mirror to the moon
I’m forming I’m warming
State of the art
Until the clouds come crashing

Stranger things have happened
Both before and after noon
I’m forming I’m warming
Pushing myself
And no I don’t mind asking
Now

Alone inside my forest room
And it’s storming
I never thought I’d be in bloom
But this is where I start
Derelict days and the stereo plays
For the all night crowd
That it cannot phase
And I’m calling

The stadium arcadium
A mirror to the moon
I’m forming I’m warming
State of the art
Until the clouds come crashing

Stranger things have happened
Both before and after noon
I’m forming I’m warming
Pushing myself
And no I don’t mind asking
Now

Tedious weeds that the media breeds
But the animal gets what the animal
Needs
And I’m sorry

And this is where I find
Rays of dust that wrap around
Your citizen
Kind enough to disavow
And this is where I stand

The stadium arcadium
A mirror to the moon
I’m forming I’m warming
State of the art
Until the clouds come crashing

Stranger things have happened
Both before and after noon
I’m forming I’m warming
Pushing myself
And no I don’t mind asking
Now

The stadium arcadium
A mirror to the moon
I’m forming I’m warming
State of the art
Until the clouds come crashing

Stranger things have happened
Both before and after noon
I’m forming I’m warming to you

Stadium Arcadium, Red Hot Chili Peppers

You scored as Draco Malfoy. Spoilt and proud, you place high value on the purity of wizard blood and look set to follow in your father's somewhat shady footsteps. Draco Malfoy 95% Sirius Black 90% Ron Weasley 85% Lord Voldemort 85% Ginny Weasley 80% Albus Dumbledore 80% Harry Potter 75% Severus Snape 70% Hermione Granger 45% Remus Lupin 40% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

last one. I promise.

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel. Angel 92% Mermaid 84% WereWolf 50% Faerie 50% Dragon 50% Demon 33% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

who would've thunk!

You scored as Goth. Athletic Tomboy 75% Goth 75% Hippy 44% Slut 44% Popular Bitch 44% Nerdy Girl 38% Preppy Girl 19% Loser 6% What type of girl are you?!! created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Goth. Your A Goth! Goth 80% Rocker, Mosher 60% Emo 50% Trendy 50% Skater 30% Prepy 30% Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev 25% What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy Ect created with QuizFarm.com

oooooook... Judging from the last two... I guess I am? Strange though... I just like black! Sheesh, what's wrong with that! Besides, nothing wrong with being goth either eh?

omg I can't believe I'm actually still awake and doing er... quizzes. Ah well. More to come. IF I can be bothered.

You scored as Journalism. You are an aspiring journalist, and you should major in journalism! Like me, you are passionate about writing and expressing yourself, and you want the world to understand your beliefs through writing. Art 100% Psychology 100% Journalism 100% Sociology 100% Linguistics 92% Philosophy 83% Anthropology 83% Theater 83% English 83% Engineering 83% Dance 75% Mathematics 67% Biology 67% Chemistry 42% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

Wow, so I am doing what I should be doing eh? Anyways, Madz, sorry about the info. Clearly I was misinformed considering I went to catch it today myself. I suppose word of mouth isn't as reliable as people think it is no? Rivoli was wonderful. Sofia's was great. The movie... Not so brilliant. I suppose I expected a lot more from it having devoured the book in one sitting. But... MeL heart Spike!!

(yes, I'm watching Buffy. AGAIN.)

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

- Fix You, Coldplay

I can. I will. I have. I know it. You're going to be ok again. I want to believe it so much that I will it to be. So many people love and care for you. I don't claim to love you the most. You're blood and that's enough. I grew up with you and I hate to see you fall and I hate to see people mess with you. I love you. You know I do. You're my brother. My biological brother. I care too much to let you lose. That's just the way I am.

Words cannot express what I feel at this point. It's chaotic and yet peaceful. I am at a strange peace amidst the chaos around me. And there's just one thing that keeps me going right now. I know that I'm coming home to you.

I watched an Australian film called "The Castle" today. It's funny. Stupid but funny. But not stupidly funny.

I digress...

Well, the one bit about the movie that I won't forget is this. "It's not a house. It's a home." A home is where your family is. The people that love you. The people that care just because. And I'll be there soon. If only for a while. Words cannot speak for the memories that we share. From strange couch fortresses to candy that was spoiiled a long the way. Strange prehistoric metamorphoses... Crystal dogs and nailed moths. Buffalo wallets and cigarettes. Oriental culture and old men drinks. Don't you see it? The beauty of what we still have? Not just with each other but with all those around us. Can't you see it? I can. I've erased my thoughts of the things that aren't worth remembering. I've made the troubles disappear.

Although I have more than just family waiting for me when I return, they are the most important thing to me now. The love I have for them is more important than anything in the world. Nothing else compares to how much I would give up. I would give anything for you to be at peace again. Rest well my brother. Be safe. I'll be with you soon.

It's so easy to blame other people for your problems.

It's so easy to make fun of the social outcast.

But do people sit and wonder who they've hurt along the way? I had an awful dream. I dreamt that somebody died and that was what brought everyone together. It's depressing and just plain sad to see what it takes for people to put their differences aside. My life may be a lot less than perfect but it's not down right rotten.

The only thing I can really complain about it is that I keep letting people have their way. I let other people set the rules. I shouldn't ever be like that. It NEVER should be like that but somehow I've let it. Save one thing, I will not let people walk all over me. But for now, you've left me no choice.

I know it's late, but thank you mom. For being my mom. I know that things are really hard now but they'll be ok eventually. Try not to let all this get you down. Focus on the good things in life ok? I love you.

And now for the rest of the bored world........



01) What is the phone brand?:
Sony Ericsson

02) What are the last 3 digits of your mobile number?:
232

03) What does the 2nd message in your inbox say?:
"Gals come to DIP b4 12 & show ur SCard/SMS for free entry.The largest group of gals b4 1 get free bottle.4 Justin Concert tickets to be given away!$10 illusions" - ah the clubbing life. I don't miss it as much as I thought I would

04) Who's the first person who comes up under the letter M?:
Madz

05) Who's the last person you rang?:
Elaine

06) Who was your last missed call from?
I'm suspecting it was my mum. Private number and all. It could've been anyone :P

07) Who's the 2nd person who comes up under D?:
Daniel Liberato

08) What does the last message in your inbox say?:
"Aren't you going to sleep?" - Do you know the Muffin man? Or better yet Mr. Sandman?

09) Who comes up under J?:
Jin, Johanna, Jonny, Jada and tonnes more people

10) Go to your Sent Items - what does the 5th message say?:
"What is you be doing?"

11) Who's the 4th person who comes under S?:
Shu :)

12) Who's your network provider?:
atm, Optus. But in Singapore it's still Singtel. Since er... Since the wheel chair thing

13) How many messages are currently in your in box?:
Iono... I can't be bothered to figure out how to check :D

14) What do you have as your background?:
The bloody girl thing

15) Who's the 2nd person who comes up under R?:
Roch

16) Who do you have on speed dial 3?:
I don't use speed dial

17) If you're on Pay as you Go, how much credit do you have?:
$85.85 baby!!

18) Who's the first berson who comes under C?:
CELIA! :D

19) How many bars of signel do you currently have?:
5

20) What do you have as your main ringtone?:
The song called Dobo from the Casshern soundtrack. I know the name's weird. But yea whatever. It's better than Mah Nah Mah Nah! (Better for other people I mean)

I tag...
whoeva

So I went to look at theUrbanWire.com today. Needless to say I was quite surprised at the things I found. The site still looks the same since Geoff switched everything to mambo but I was quite amused to see one particular name on the reporter list.

It's amazing how us churchy people suddenly grew cynical and away from the church isn't it? Do you miss it? I find that sometimes I do. Mother's day is around the corner and it's a new feeling for me not to be home. Just like how it was completely new not to have celebrated Easter at home. Or not to have celebrated it at all.

This has been another rough week. I'm not entirely sure how many more of them I can take. Don't you ever feel so ridiculously helpless? I know I do. I wish I didn't but I do. Technically I can do something about it but it's a matter of choice. It's a big big decision isn't it? A really big one.

I watched two movies instead of doing my work today. I watched Cassanova and Nanny McPhee.

Heath Ledger is oh so hot! He played his part really well. It's an interesting blend between 10 Things and A Knight's Tale. The plot was alright. I suppose you could say it was a little stupid and predictable. But still it was stupidly funny. Not along the lines of White Chicks but still entertaining none the less. And if Saf hadn't told me about it I probably never would have watched it.

Nanny McPhee....... It reminded me of Ella Enchanted without that much music (which was good) and a little bit of a Series of Unfortunate Events and at the same time a little bit of Finding Neverland. But it wasn't as good as Finding Neverland. Nanny McPhee is one of those feel good movies and stuff.

Either way I've started writing my paper :) 600 words into a 2000 word +/- 10% long paper. Heh. God have mercy on my soul because with the people I'm talking to and my weird cravings, I'm never going to get much more done. I still want to eat pizza.

Moral dilemmas and ethical questions. It seems to have hit me quite hard this morning. Amidst the cold grey skies here in Melbourne, my thoughts take me somewhere closer to my heart. But somehow even if I were there now, I wouldn't be able to help. I would feel worse than I already do because then, it would be happening right in front of my eyes now wouldn't it? Or is this perhaps my 'attention seeking' ways. That's for you to decide. As far as I'm concerned, I love him with all my heart and every shred of my soul. Nothing but this stands between us now and I will not allow it to continue. Not for something as stupid as an addiction.

I fell asleep studying today. I thought I was dreaming of you yelling at me again. It woke me up and prompted me to go and eat. Heh. I do care. As much as you'd hate to believe it. And for some reason, I cannot bring myself to utterly hate you. It's just not me. I meant every word I wrote. This problem, as I said to another of our 'mutual' friends, is one that is near impossible to fix. Even if something good were to happen, it will always be at the back of our heads. Perhaps much later in life I will be able to look back at it and laugh. Perhaps not. But I must say, you have taught me a valuable lesson. Trust no one but yourself. I am however grateful that what little information left that was evidently meant to be kept between us, stayed that way. And I can assure you, my critical judgement is in perfect condition. If you're reading this than good. If not... Well. I suppose it's just more information for you other people to run around and speculate isn't it? More information for you to misconstrue.

Over the past month I've heard many things. Many many disturbing pieces of information. Some of it true and obviously some not. The ones that I have verified with my own hands are shocking to me till this day. I cannot believe that you think I am such a person. I suppose the countless measures of time that we have spent together being just two friends wasn't enough for you was it. But for some reason, I find it easier for me to let you deal with it. Whether or not you know that I know is besides the point now. Because I know you. And I know you will see this. So you go ahead. If you want to talk to me, you know how to reach me. Overseas phone calls are expensive to say the least. It's called e-mail. Use it. And should it be that important, I will be home in a month. If not, then it is your choice and your burden to shoulder.

I suppose my sleepless and eventful nights really do have meaning. And they are beginning to make much sense to me. My conscience is clean. I have done what I could. No more, no less. We each live our lives as we choose.

For the record, the program I use? If you want to minimise and pause, you have to hit the 'f' button and then immediately hit space bar. Otherwise it'll run and I'll know. Sheesh.

To the people I call friend, there aren't many of you. Bur you know who you are. I don't fight with you if you weren't important to me. Because if you weren't, I wouldn't care. I digress. Yes, to those I call friend. I love you and I thank you. For better or for worse, I am happy to have met you.

I love you.

Someone tell me what I'm getting myself into. Someone tell me what is it that I'm doing. Because I don't quite know.

I'm not upset or anything so don't get me wrong. I just feel like crap. I blame the lack of sleep, the inability to sleep and the stupid not to mention annoying feeling in my throat that nothing seems to be able to make better. And I seriously doubt that smoking is helping it very much.

There's so much that I want to be able to tell you. I meant everything I said. I want you to see and know the real me and what I'm like and what I do, good or bad. See, I want all these things. I'm just not sure if you want the same thing from me. I recently found out why you are the way you are. News spreads like wild fire and yet it took this long for it to finally click in my head. I know you're probably never going to get to this but sometimes putting thoughts to words helps. A lot.

So here's the deal. Things aren't just what they seem and I'm the kind of person that thrives on reassurances. It's silly I know but it's just me. I don't expect it every 5 seconds but it would be nice to hear you now and then.

Don't hold my crazy talk against me will ya? I'm quite heavily sedated. Perhaps I should have just taken ONE denzen and not TWO like my mother asked. Who would've thought the one time I decide to listen to my mom, it turned out like this eh?

I spoke to her today incidentally. My mom I mean. I know it was just... 2 hours ago but somehow it feels like it's been a day ago. I hate being sick. It screws with my judgement not to mention my sense of location and time. And on top of all this my motivation has hit rock bottom. AGAIN. Oh well.

Hang in there my pets, I will be with you soon. Sooner than you think evidently. I miss you and love you. I don't want you to worry about me right now even as I feel like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place. I'll be fine. We're survivors babe, we do what we must to go on.

"An empty room,
A spaced out life
A life that was full of pure demise

A desperate cry
Misinterpreted
It's just the way things are, complicated

A lost child
Wandering around
A grown up girl,
Wants to be found

A series of events
Montages of memories
And still my thoughts lead me back to you"

Just a bit of randomness I wrote. No I've not slept. No I haven't been sleeping well. Yes it's about a lot of things and not one in particular. Yes you may ask what it was about. If you look carefully, each stanza is referring to different events. And you'll probably get it wrong if you guess. So I'd suggest that no one should make assumptions about who and what I write. I write because I love to write. I write because I know that even though no one is reading it, it's been etched in stone. (or webspace. whatever) And finally, I write because I want to be able to look back on the past events and smile for the sole reason I overcame them.

Given my inability to blog in Chinese, I dedicate this song to you - Coral Sea by Jay Chou. Not your thing but I don't really care at this point. I can't just urn you away. That's not MY thing. So if you care to find out, go google the lyrics.

Let's put it this way, I should have known better than to let you do the things you do. I should have seen where this was headed. And quite honestly, I did know. I chose not to believe it. I chose to turn away and be blinded. Conscious ignorance. Aren't I the hypocrite. But then again, so are you. You did this to yourself. You did this to me. You did this to all of us. And as selfish as I know you can be, I'm still here. Still being the friend in all this. Clearly there must be something wrong with me to be able to forgive you this many times.

Officially, the O.C. has really strange people for script writers. Why on earth did the smart guy (Zach) say that the KL is the capital of Indonesia?! Wtf!! Hello that would be Jakarta! And KL is the capital of Malaysia... duh... Well I suppose being Asian has it's perks. But then again I'm not the authority on geography. I still remember when I thought that other place (that I shall not name) was in India. Then when a friend pointed out that it's not, I thought it wasn't even in Asia. Stupid of me I know. Ignorant, yes. And no, I still haven't gone and bought myself the poster of the world map. I rely on the internet too much don't I? ah well.

Ok ok ok, that's it, back to watching the O.C. until i have more stupid and random thins to report.

Oh oh, more good things have happened since I last posted.

but my love for you guys hasn't diminished either. Just coz I don't get to see you for ages doesn't mean I don't love you all because I do I do I do :)

Don't ask me what it's about but if I were in Singapore, I'd definitely go see what they've got :)

Today was a good day. I talked to many people and I feel g-r-e-a-t. Except for one phone call that kinda got on my nerves but all in all it was a fulfilling day. I love you guys. I do I do :)

Having you here was comforting even though short. You really brightened up my day and I'm grateful that I've got you. It's a little fuzzy and weird right now for the both of us I know. But still, thank you for being so patient and understanding with me. Thank you for defending the people I love. Thank you for giving me some semblance of hope that I can trust people. Thank you for loving me.

You pretend to know me. You pretend that you care.
If you really did, you wouldn't use me as an escape. You wouldn't shit all over me after everything that I have said in your defence. You are special to me, but you aren't that special. If you want to do this, go right ahead. Because you are the one that is CLEARLY mistaken. Let this be a lesson to us all, there are no secrets. The walls have ears. And sooner or later, you are going to find out everything. But by that time, you would have already lost the battle. I am disgusted with you. I begin to loathe the mere thought of having said everything I did. If it were not for you and your assumptions and your lies, none of this would have happened.

I was reading a topic in Wahpah a while back. It asked of lasting friendships and questions the notion of them being forever. I used to think that they were. But right now, now that I see you for what you really are, I take that back. Do not expect me to sympathise with you when you have done me a great wrong.

But, do not misunderstand, I still care. I still care about all those involved. Call it a weakness if you will. And perhaps I heard wrong. PERHAPS you didn't say those things about me. But something tells me that you did. Don't go around blaming me for your misfortune or your failures.

Rick said something to me the other day. Friends push each other up. They never drag them down. It made me think about a lot of things. In other words, the friends that pull me down are not my friends at all. Let's look at where all this is going to take us shall we?

Karma darlings, Karma. We shall see who did what now.

Happy Birthday Jada

Take the quiz:
What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)

Eden
You have eden eyes. Eden is the color of water. Your eyes symbolize your great flexibility. You are a creative person. You can think of many good ways to get your point across to people as you have very good communication abilities. When someone feels down or is hurt, you have the remarkable ability to help them and heal them. If you have too little going on in your life, you may be withdrawn and depressed, timid, manipulative, unreliable, stubborn, or suspicious. Some words to describe you: peaceful, sincere, affectionate, tranquil, intuitive, trustworthy, pure, loyal, healing, and stable.

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I wish I could be there. But I know I can't. I know I mustn't. Today should be a good day and I don't want to ruin it for any of us.

I feel my assignments and my work piling up. The feeling is insatiable. Suffocating as well. I worry. I worry too much. The same way I'm worried that I'm going to land up in hospital again. I know I won't but I'm worried all the same know what I mean? A sprained ankle does not equate to a bone eating virus. I just don't want to go there anymore know what I mean?

So far I think things are getting better with me. Just so you know, they aren't good but they aren't as bad either. It could be worse eh? I know I'm being vague again. I know I hate being this vague but I have to be don't I?

On to other things, I MISS YOU! I MISS YOU MANY MANY!! My darling child can read! He recognises the alphabet! It's so cute! He's growing up soo fast it's scary! I'm just sad that I'm missing it. Ah well... Soon my precious, I will see you soon. A month and a half doesn't have to be that long.