Moral dilemmas and ethical questions. It seems to have hit me quite hard this morning. Amidst the cold grey skies here in Melbourne, my thoughts take me somewhere closer to my heart. But somehow even if I were there now, I wouldn't be able to help. I would feel worse than I already do because then, it would be happening right in front of my eyes now wouldn't it? Or is this perhaps my 'attention seeking' ways. That's for you to decide. As far as I'm concerned, I love him with all my heart and every shred of my soul. Nothing but this stands between us now and I will not allow it to continue. Not for something as stupid as an addiction.

I fell asleep studying today. I thought I was dreaming of you yelling at me again. It woke me up and prompted me to go and eat. Heh. I do care. As much as you'd hate to believe it. And for some reason, I cannot bring myself to utterly hate you. It's just not me. I meant every word I wrote. This problem, as I said to another of our 'mutual' friends, is one that is near impossible to fix. Even if something good were to happen, it will always be at the back of our heads. Perhaps much later in life I will be able to look back at it and laugh. Perhaps not. But I must say, you have taught me a valuable lesson. Trust no one but yourself. I am however grateful that what little information left that was evidently meant to be kept between us, stayed that way. And I can assure you, my critical judgement is in perfect condition. If you're reading this than good. If not... Well. I suppose it's just more information for you other people to run around and speculate isn't it? More information for you to misconstrue.

Over the past month I've heard many things. Many many disturbing pieces of information. Some of it true and obviously some not. The ones that I have verified with my own hands are shocking to me till this day. I cannot believe that you think I am such a person. I suppose the countless measures of time that we have spent together being just two friends wasn't enough for you was it. But for some reason, I find it easier for me to let you deal with it. Whether or not you know that I know is besides the point now. Because I know you. And I know you will see this. So you go ahead. If you want to talk to me, you know how to reach me. Overseas phone calls are expensive to say the least. It's called e-mail. Use it. And should it be that important, I will be home in a month. If not, then it is your choice and your burden to shoulder.

I suppose my sleepless and eventful nights really do have meaning. And they are beginning to make much sense to me. My conscience is clean. I have done what I could. No more, no less. We each live our lives as we choose.

For the record, the program I use? If you want to minimise and pause, you have to hit the 'f' button and then immediately hit space bar. Otherwise it'll run and I'll know. Sheesh.

To the people I call friend, there aren't many of you. Bur you know who you are. I don't fight with you if you weren't important to me. Because if you weren't, I wouldn't care. I digress. Yes, to those I call friend. I love you and I thank you. For better or for worse, I am happy to have met you.

I love you.