All Righty Then....

I went to Den's blog and read her thingy on Astrology and now I'm like researching on it as well... Really need to analyze my life and figure out what it is I want and what I need and work with that. Or around it. Which ever is the better I guess? *sigh* I went to church today... Haha! And my voice still hasn't come back yet... They were talking about vanity and greed and all those earthly stuff that people like you and me fawn over... I dunno, I just don't know how to let go of these things? If any of you do know how, PLEASE speak your mind ASAP ok?

So back to this Astrology thing. I'm currently printing out my Natal Chart and Data Sheet stuff that I picked up from Astrodienst Atlas. Or I WOULD be printing it if I can get my Epson CX3100 installed. Darned printer. Pity I can't find my installer. Saf has the same printer I think.... Hmm... Anyways, I'll probably be able to find the program somewhere on the web. So I'm gonna print this stuff out and do a bit of reading ok? I mean come on, being this sick (yes, I'm still sick) isn't gonna let me do very much work now is it....

I miss you man... See you on Tuesday... And as for the rest of you guys, I miss you oodles! Wish you were here...

ARGH

My baby is GORGEOUS!!!! t3h BEST! I lurve my PowerBook to bits!! I lurve it I lurve it! I shall have to come up with names ASAP man...

And as for my other baby, he's being a little strange... I mean, what's up with this no contact stuff? hahaha! Strange huh... Would normally make people suspicious but I've nothing to worry about at all. It's called trust people and I happen to have it! Hah!

School was ok I guess... Overslept! Was supposed to wake up at 0700 but woke up at 1030h instead! Oh well... So I went to school and watched a bit of Indiana Jones with Mary-Ann, had nice long conversation with Celia and Peter and Man helped me fix the PowerBook up. OnJourn class rocked as usual too. :) Photo essays... yummy!!!! Shall make one for blogs eh? Haha! I'm a little worried about work though... I got a few deadlines coming and a LOT to do. This is what happens when I fall sick and then not do work... *sigh*

If it weren't for this 'absence', I would probably be speaking to my baby now... But hey... Will be seeing him on Tuesday. MINE! ALL MINE! Hahaha!! Talk about crazy huh... Either way, yes, I shall not worry about anything. Almost 2 months... I love you...

Heredity

I'm just like you aren't I? As much as I keep denying it. I am you. Just a female, younger version of you. And I'm hiding it aren't I? By the time someone else really realises what I'm talking about, it'll be all to late.

Starsailor - Alcoholic

Don't you know you've got your Daddy's eyes?
Your Daddy was an alcoholic,
But you mother kept it all inside,
And she threw it all away,
I was looking for another you,
I found another one,
I was looking for another you,
And I looked round by you were gone,

Stand by my side,
And the pipe dream is yours now,
Stand by my side,
And the singer won't get in our way,

Don't you know you've got your Daddy's eyes?
Your Daddy was an alcoholic,
But you mother kept it all inside,
And she threw it all away,
I was looking for another you,
I found another one,
I was looking for another you,
And I looked round by you were gone,

Stand by my side,
And the pipe dream is yours now,
Stand by my side,
And the singer won't get in our way,

Don't you know you've got your Daddy's eyes?
Your Daddy was an alcoholic,
But you mother kept it all inside,
And she threw it all away,
I was looking for another chance,
To see your blue eyed problem.

Prettified

Oh my god... Everything looks more gorgeous with my new PowerBook! The net was built to be run on a Mac!! Haha... Yea, right... But seriously, it looks so different! And I'm still trying to get used to it...

Met my baby today... We spent the whole day hanging out. Watched Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (omg, JOHNNY DEPP!!) and then he showed me how to use the dual screens! Was playing with the PowerBook most of the time. That's what I love about being with him. It's like I can really let loose and be me, be like a kid again. With others it was so up tight. So... draining... I hate having to keep up such a good girl look. Pffft! What am I talking about?! :S

What I DO mean is, it's like I can really be myself around him without having to worry about anyone or anything. Until like my parents come into the picture... They have this impression that their daughter is a little girl who should behave like the almost 19-year old she is but still be treated like a 5-year old. *sigh*

I'm scared now... Going to Melbourne, graduating... Work... Being sick... I mean here I am AT HOME. IN SINGAPORE. And it's already so overbearing. It's gonna get worse when I'm there and then I won't have anybody to fall back on. Nobody to run to... Again I'm worried about something so far away right? heh...

Ok, a quick update of the last 2 weeks of being sick. Basically I had a sinus infectino that led to an extremely high fever peaking the levels of 39.7 degrees celcius. No, I'm not kidding. No, I'm not exagerrating. This is for real. Then, I picked up another infection that hit my voice box. Vocal chords out! Therefore I can't speak, can't sing. *sigh* What's a girl to do huh... But it wasn't so bad coz I had people around me who were really looking after me. Some who sent their regards and others who were physically there. Even some who couldn't be there but wanted to be anyways. Thank you guys. You are the BEST. Even greater thanks to the people in school for all your support and understanding. I'm not the best of workers as it is... But really, thank you. Things just really did come all at once. I love you guys!! :D

2 months is coming. Time passes us by so fast doesn't it? Daddy said something really funny to me today. He said your too young to be hurt. So I guess that's why the parentals were upset huh... I have no fight with them then. They just don't want me to get hurt. What they don't get is, I am gonna get hurt whether they like it or not. Again another round of thanks to my knight in shining armor. You know who you are. You've stood by me even after everything that's happened between us. And I am glad and honored to have you as a friend. :) And WHEN are we gonna hang out? This Sunday good for you?

Hahaha... I'm soo tired... All this file re-orgranizing not easy man...

speak to me and you'll hear.... silence

For real people, I've completely lost my voice. I can speak, but it's in whispers and/or in a very strange pitch that varies loud and soft and it doesn't work when I want it to either. My baby fell asleep again today! I'm not surprised... I told him that it was ok that he didn't have to bother to drag himself outta bed... That I didn't mind dropping by his place to pick up my medicine... But hey, he wanted to go out and get his MP3 player... But by the time we hit Sim Lim it was like quarter past seven! So quite futile... We spent a bit walking around while I was trying to convince him that the iPod is SO the way to go... But then I realised that shit, the iPod is definitely candy BUT it's also still quite expensive. Even though the iPod minis are out. Either way, he didn't get it (again). Indecisiveness on both our parts. He wants me to help him choose but I refuse to pick one just yet until I find out how much I can get the proper iPod for. My PowerBook's here as well. But mom didn't pass me the cash so I gotta wait till Thursday before I can actually go and get it. What... I don't carry 4K around yanoe... I was pretty upset about it I guess... And then jokingly offered to buy me an iPod! Jokingly. I hope... Coz if he did I'd feel incredibly guilty for making him spend that much cash on me. PLUS even if he said that I could pay him back. But considering the rate at which I spend cash there is no way in hell I'd be able to... :)

Bzzt!!

*sigh* the endorphins wore off. DUH! So I'm back to me again. Not for long though. In a couple of hours I'll be with my baby! :) Hehehe... Am I scaring you wish my mushiness yet? Re-reading it scares me on some level! But I don't really care anymore.

I really should get to work like full time again but I can't help it? I really want to spend time with you... And then spend some relaxing and then do work... Haha... Don't worry though, I'll be doing work all Thursday. (Geoff!! Where are we gonna go and get it done??)

Oh oh, Luke, in reply to your previous question, Shape = not that good.

I miss you guys loads... Maybe this weekend we can all go out? Hopefully if I get my voice back. Yes, I lost it! hahaha!

*oooo endorphins* :)

Thank you for taking care of me. I really do appreciate everything that you're doing for me. I mean, I bitched, whined, played and virtually probably irritated a whole lot of people including myself. There's been so many misunderstandings and miscommunications and yet you're still there for me every time I need you to be. I love you.

Red Dress?!?!

Baby, it's soo late now... It was great talking to you... Even if it was just for awhile... My fever's down a bit. I'm still talking half rubbish. Heck I'm even typing all this out in word so it's spell checked and hopefully grammatically correct. Please take care ok? All this I-Want-To-Fall-Sick stuff makes me worry sometimes... I don't wanna see you suffer ok? But then again considering the idea that the both of us kinda like to suffer now and then is quite ironical eh? :)

I love you. I'll see you in... erm... 5 and a half hours? Sleep well ok?

I'm generalyl quite pissed at the moment.
1. Headache
2. Fever sick blah blah blah
3. Fucking hypocrites who somehow find it in themselves to think that they can get away with all this shit.
4. Just coz I'm more passive now doesn't mean that you bunch of fuckers won't get what's coming to you.

*sigh*

Valium taking control.... Argh...

red dress?!?!


Which Ariel are you?
~ a quiz by Clear Black Lines ~

haha... visited Hayl's blog :P

typical isn't it

Words cannot express how much it hurts me to see you feeling so much pain. It kills me inside that you've been there for me so much and yet, I can't seem to help you. I wish I knew how. I wish if you knew even the most radical of ideas as to how you might be able to feel better, you'd tell me. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. Nothing. I really do care a lot about you and I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I mean, without me around, things might've been a helluva lot simpler for you. If I hadn't pressurized you or asked you to do stuff that really isn't any of my business. To think that you're suffering so much and yet here I am, happy. I would have done something darling, but due to the complicated circumstances, it doesn't seem like I ever can doesn't it? I love you d00de, please, if there is ANYTHING at all I can do for you, name it and it'll be done.

Baby, thank you for helping me and making me feel really special. Things around me are falling apart and I'm really scared right now. I don't rightly know how or what to do... Thank you for being mine.

Turn up the Heat

fuck... 39.7 degree-high fever!! See? It's UR fault! haha... It's ok though... I don't have to go in on Monday coz of it. You wanna hang out then? Please please please please please take care of yourself ok baby? Don't want you to feel this fucked up... :)

BuG

Argh... damned bug... doesn't let me sleep doesnt let me work, doesn't let me do squat. I'm gonna go see the doctor today... hehe... Thanks for pampering me and putting up with my perpetual coughs, sneezes today baby... I was beginning to irritate myself again...

You rock my world! I love you!

Hallucinate

OMFG... I can't believe I'm still awake! My computer is SOMEWHAT working now... I just finished a poster for UrbanWire. Can't say much about it YET! Haha... I'm really really tired and I'm beginning to hallucinate... I'm hearing things! Heh...
Fine, don't believe me... But I'll say one thing, I'm probably breaking all kinds of grammar rules now. I'm too tired to really take notice. *sigh*
Coz of work, I can't hang out tomorrow... My one day off and I'll be at home working... Please take care? Trust me, if I could I'd totally run and hang out with you... I miss you loads k?
Mary-Ann, we must go eat more cake! Hah! Next time I'll bake yes? That or we'll go to this really yummy cake place I know! Don't really wanna torture you with my cake :P Well... some people liked it! Haha! I honestly thought it was really sweet... But then again, I like salty stuff! Haha!
Argh... I babble... *sigh* Esplanade was fun, Mean Girls was amusing, and I had a great time just hanging out and talking. :) Take care ok? I'll see you really really soon!! And the rest of you, I'm too tired to blog now! Hah! Tomorrow maybe... Or maybe when I have more time?
ANYWAYS, my BABY is coming in 10 DAYS!!! Wheeeee!!!


 

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	delicious
Your hugs are...	warm
Your eyes...	twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...	the only thing I desire
Your smell is...	amazing
Your smile is...	entrancing
Your love is...	everlasting
Quiz created with MemeGen!

cute...

Cruelty

"Have you ever been in love?
Horrible, isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heat and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your intrepid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heat.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-an-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.


I hate love"


- Rose Walker


"Love belongs to Desire, and Desire is always cruel."- Old Man 


Ah... The Sandman. I agree to these statements. But I should think in love, there is a trust. One that is given not very easily. And with respect and trust, anything is possible.
I trust you. Today ( more like yesterday) was great. Mean Girls was hilarious. I've not watched a chick-teen flick in forever! Nice to sit and talk for hours huh... 7 hours really felt like nothing man...

I love you, take care and goodnight.

Dream of Californication

OMG! Sat was the BOMB! I spent like the good part of the day fixing UrbanWire stuff. Then I baked the cake! Kinda chaotic though... Considering that I completely forgot about the water and the vegetable oil till the last minute! Haha! The mixed was like over heating man!! Haha... and somehow the sink was also giving me trouble. *sigh* To top it off, I couldn't even get chocolate frosting! Landed up getting Vanilla. Doesn't make a difference I guess. Considering Rick loves Vanilla over all other flavours! :) Talk about Murphy's Law eh? :) But it was ok coz it looked really pretty AND it was really yummy. Everyone whacked it! Even Saf said that it reminded him of the cakes his dad used to buy him when he was a kid! :) I'm just happy that everyone liked it.

But it was a huge success coz Aunty Audrey was REALLY happy. :) Haha! She was really surprised! And I think it was really cool that I got to sit and talk with Janice and Anna again. Heck, it was great to see and speak to Ben, Miguel and Avery.

Rick, I had a great time! Thank you! One freaky thing though, coz I was like the only not really family person there... Kenny and Luke weren't there when I left either. *sigh* Oh! Oh! The red wine was really good too! I shared it with Ben. Pity I couldn't stay longer huh... *sigh* Christmas guys.... I'll stay at Christmas! God, I miss chilling with those guys already.

Sunday was just as Candy! I kinda woke up late... But I made it church on time! Pity that my computer died though... I spent the day bumming. Well, I did intend on doing work. Can't help it that both our computers were rendered completely useless... So instead, I watched Naruto and Love Me If You Dare (Jeux d'enfants). Naruto was quite disappointing but Love Me If You Dare ROCKED! I loved it! As twisted as you think it is, there's no denying that it was a really good movie! In addition to movies, I slept for a bit. Had strange dreams though... *sigh* Just when things are ok... Something messes with my head...

But... Hey... Love is trust right? I care. Really, I do. Or else I wouldn't have stayed on right? Haha... I live with no regrets. I'm happy. Happier still that I could spend time with you. Sadly, I'm kinda sick so maybe we shouldn't hang out too much lest you catch the bug too? :) I don't wanna not see you but I don't want you feeling like shit, like I do now...

I'm sooo dead... My limbs ache along with the rest of my body... My throat is dying, my nose running and my fever fluctuating. *sigh* But still, I went to SGL and payed the down payment for my PowerBook!! w00t! Haha!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!
Again, despite how difficult everything is, I know things'll be ok. I don't care about other people and I won't let the world get me down. Or at least I'll try. I love you.
Geoff: You're my SLAVE!! :D

oh oh oh, my BABY's coming in 2 WEEKS!! :D

Spaz'D

I had fun today. Met up with Luke for dinner. Had a great time. Went book shopping. There're a couple of books that I found that I really wanna read! :)

Was listening to LOADS of Massive Attack today. It's incredibly soothing... :) This irritant in school said that it was sex music.... I know... How lame is that? Please people, the label is "TRIP-HOP"!! *sigh* But even though I have to live with irritants, I had fun today. Saw Shireen before going to class too! Media Law totally rocks! I lurve it to bits! Kinda reminds me of the time I wanted to be a lawyer... Yea yea sure, laugh! I still dunno exactly what I wanna do ok? But so far... Journ, Psych, Law, Design. Not so much design though..........

Oh oh! I called SGL too! They're reserving the PB for me!! w00t! Go Sim Lim with me again ok? Please? :P Nah, it's ok if you don't wanna... Kinda weird huh... But it's alright. Everything's ok now isn't it? Everything's good and we're happy. Maybe superficially? But we'll settle it soon. I promise. I hope...

AHAH!! Luke! Dumplings! SOON!!!

Blah... My thoughts are soo spazzed... As in, I keep jumping from one thing from the next... Kinda tired I guess?? Oh oh! I met Joanna today too! Joanna's the girl I interviewed for my VERY FIRST news paper article ages ago! Ok fine, not ages ago... A little under a year ago. For National Day. God, that feels like such a long time... I can't wait for April next year... I'll be free!! Come to think of it, Saf would be getting out of NS too. And Luke's out at year end! Yay! I miss hanging out with everyone... Damnit... The army keeps all my close friends away... Almost all anyways. I still talk to all of them. And some are closer than it seems... :)

I love you, I miss you and I thank God for everyday that you're here. Don't ever forget that ok?

EMPOWERED!!

WHOA!! I'm getting a PowerBook!! :D A SuperDrive!!!
And it was pretty cool man! I'm uberly happy! :)
Thanks for going to Sim Lim today k? Really!! Had a helluva time! I'm kinda exhausted though... Hope to hang out with you really soon k? (Hopefully with a new PowerBook!!)

And as for the iPod, let me know if you still want it k? So far it's 3 people including me... I'm thinking that the nice lady might be able to get us a better deal? :)

I'm sooo happy. Nothing could make me upset! Hahaha! Tmr, I've got media law... Whee!

PS: And you, YES!!!!!!!!!! I LURVE YOU LOADS!

Puisque je t'aime et vous aimez-moi

Things are ok again. I love you and am so grateful everyday that I have you. I don't ever want to lose you again. Happened one too many times huh... It's nice to know that you care for me just as much as I do for you. Maybe, probably, even more.

Again, I love you. And I am happy knowing that I never will, and never have lost you. Nobody will ever change that perception. Nobody is capable of doing it.

.

there was nothing between us to fuck up?

There was a lot. Sorry it was so one sided. I hope you're happy now. Coz I am totally destroyed. Yea, I still love you. So what? You think it's funny? You think I was joking? You think it's easy for me to say goodbye? I sure as hell hope you're happy now.

The difference between you and me, is that I came clean. That I went into this with a clear mind. And in doing so, I came out the one scarred beyond repair.

So guys, you think that this would be a good thing? I hope you're happy.

Aches 我愛你愚笨

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! My head hurts like HELL man... ugh...

Either way, I think you figured out I really can't stand you. And I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual eh?

Damnit... I can barely write sense anymore!! Eek...

Things To Look Forward To:
1. Waking Up
2. Starlight Cinema
3. Holidaying

Luke: You're right. You always are. How do I let people make me do things?? :( So much for trying...

Oh... and you, (yes the you who's name I said I wouldn't mention in reference to these things...), 我愛你愚笨. Makes me a bigger one eh?

*grin

BAKA-SAN!!! Hahaha! Jon, you are hilarious. Really! On top of that, he is like the GOD of popularity!! And I'm his friend! :D Haha! Why am I promoting you eh? :P

I realise that I don't really have to be pissed, or agitated, or aggravated at all! In fact, things are actually going quite well for me all thigs considering. Amazing what interesting friends I have huh! To think I was all upset when I still have all these people who are totally there fore me! Silly little girl...

And among the crazy songs that have invaded my cranium, I leave you this early morning with...
Talk Show Host - Radiohead
I want to
I want to be someone else or I'll explode
Floating upon this surface for the birds
The birds
The birds

You want me?
Fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting
With a gun and a pack of sandwiches
And nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

You want me?
Well come on and break the door down
You want me?
Fucking come on and break the door down
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready

You Have My Thanks

Today was a good day. I went to school, class was short. I went to help clean the news room. My skin got irritated by the Kiwi cleaning stuff. My old scar on my leg reopened today as well.

Luke, Luke, Luke... What can I say Luke? You ARE an angel. :) One that I really should listen to more often eh? You always know what I'm doing before I can even tell you... And every single time you try to help me, I can't bring myself to listen. Thank you Luke. A lot of things are easier said than done. We both know that. You have my eternal gratitude. Can't imagine what other shit I'd have done if you hadn't knocked some sense into me.

Also, Jon insists that the Law and Order DVDs are his birthday gift. Well, I bought them for him but I didn't really intend them to be a gift. I just bought them well... coz I wanted to. It's what I do. I just buy stuff coz I want to. Although the idea of the strange yellow things still make me smile. :) In fact, I'm speaking to him now. He's a strange one isn't he... Haha!! I'm looking forwards to spending 2 weeks of pure fun with him in Melb!!!!! Ahh... Melbourne... the country where only so few people know me... The country where no one can piss me off? For now at least. You really know how to clear the air up huh Muffin. Another person who I should never ever doubt! :)

Somebody, whose name I shall not mention, said something to me today. It hit me very hard considering everything that has happened. He said "even she is a million times hotter than you plus she's got a personality that out matches yours infinity to negative one million." And it took every ounce of strength in me not to retaliate by saying something or not to just break on the spot. God, I don't know why you says these things. You make your life seem like it's a billion times worse off than anyone elses and when people tell you the truth, you just go on full attack. I don't know why I put up with you anymore.

ANYWAYS

Saf quit his part time at the Italian place today too. Something about how it's quiet. But generally that's what people wanna do right? Make money for doing absolutely nothing? And people say that I've got no patience or concept of the working world... *sigh* some people have all the luxury huh... Anyways, this means that we probably will be going to catch The Day After Tomorrow and Amelie at Starlight Cinema next week. Yay, I can bug him for help with the script again!!

Speaking of work, I've gotta go do the ITP report!! Crap!!!

Blog later, work now! Buh bye!

Heh

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
so quidck

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
quick

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
who issit?

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
that it is that it is that you are dating

You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing says:
im not

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
okay

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
who is it that it is that it is that you is going steady with

You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing says:
im not lol

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
okay

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
who is it that it is that it is that you is foolin around with

You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing says:
pete, there is no one!

You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing says:
what makes u think there is?

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
a large black object in a script writing class

You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing says:
he just wanted to come coz he heard abt the screening of feat films

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
rightttt

You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing says:
im serious

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
k

You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing says:
what made u think we were going out anyways??

Pete says, Check out www.radioheatwave.com says:
a hunch

You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing says:
LOL

You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing says:
ur funny

Amusing. How incredibly amusing.

Irritating

I feel quite irrtated at the moment. At the moment, I also feel like I'm a completely idiot. A fuck up and screw up. Any thing else to add to the list? Heh... Either way, yes, I am a mess. I should make a list of things that I've been called shouldn't I? That way, you can pick a new bloody word instead of using the same old thing over and over again.

I say it's time to solve that mess. God help me, this is so not gonna be easy but I'll have to do it anyway.

So you wanna just kill me for kicks? It'll make everything simpler. I promise. I don't know what you want but why don't you just go out and get it?

I caught Spiderman 2 with Luke and Saf on Wednesday. A part from the shit about power and responsibility it went on about how sometimes you'd have to make sacrifices. Consider this my sacrifice then. YOU know what I'm talking about. And all you other shit for brains who are reading this when you KNOW you are not welcome, thanks for not polluting my tag board and please... FUCK OFF.

I've said my peace. All is good in the world again...

Angels. MY angels.

Angels. MY Angels. 
My twin
My rock
My bitch
My sunshine
My angel
My devil
My Bestfriend

Luke,
You got my grinning like a mad idiot! You are the best! I love you d00de!! :D

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED YOU FUCKING BITCH & BASTARD.  

Stuff

I wrote this song a long time ago. Over the span of a few months. I kept wondering who I wrote it for. I never had a clear answer. And yet now I hear myself singing it and... I feel like dying inside... The more I think about it, the more I should've happily stood in the middle of the junction like I wanted to (ironically) the very day before any of this ever started. Even the good bits.

Everyday
Em D G
Is it wrong for my to see you?
Em D G
Is it wrong for me to pray?
Em D G Em
For my life to be more than just a lie
Em F C
Is it wrong, is it wrong

Em D G
Is it wrong for me to need you?
Em D G
Is it wrong for me to hope?
Em D G Em
Coz it’s what I feel deep inside my heart
F C
It’s not just some messed up lie…
C D G
It’s not just some screwed up lie…


G Em
Everyday in the smallest of ways
F
I watch you smile and laugh
C D
Live and learn and live to love
G Em
Everyday your demure-ish ways
F F
Makes me smile, makes me laugh
F C G
Telling me just how much I really love you


Em D G
I can’t be honest to me
Em D G
All this is driving me insane
Em D G Em
Every time I think you’re gone; you come running back to me
Am
Time stops, the world’s still spinning
C D G
And you leave me hanging on this empty dream


G Em
Everyday in the smallest of ways
F
I watch you smile and laugh
C D
Live and learn and live to love
G Em
Everyday your demure-ish ways
F F
Makes me smile, makes me laugh
F C G
Telling me just how much I really love you


Em D C
Is it wrong for me to love you…

Just Get It Over With

Why don't you just kill me? Then we'd be rid of all this trouble?
Or better still, completely avoid me. Charades is not fun. It's not fun at all. Paranoia is already eating away at me. Every second I'm not there, I get even more and more edgy. More and more afraid. More than I should. Nothing is easy anymore. Hardly is when it's a heart thing isn't it.

And then again, there are a lot of things I should and shouldn't do but I don't do I...

I think it's time for me to pull my resources isn't it?

My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne
oh oh, oh oh, So much for my happy ending,
oh oh, oh oh, So much for my happy ending,
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, so much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
(they say)
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
(so are they)
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
(all the shit that you do)
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, so much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending


You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, so much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, so much for my happy ending


oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
oh oh,...

Plush - Stone Temple Pilots

And I feel that time's a wasted go
So where ya going to tommorrow?
And I see that these are lies to come
Would you even care?

And I feel it
And I feel it

Where ya going for tommorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

And I feel, so much depends on the weather
So is it raining in your bedroom?
And I see, that these are the eyes of disarray
Would you even care?

And I feel it
And she feels it

Where ya going to tommorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it

Where ya going for tommorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it
To find it
To find it
To find it

*sigh*

It's official. I'm just a stupid little girl who's in love.

argh

Again I find myself staring at the screen, skin burned from cooking, hand scratched from playing the guitar, eyes dying from contact lenses. I sit and wonder what I’m really doing with my life and why I can’t seem to get anything right. I consider all the things that I’ve done, looked at the mistakes and achievements and yet I see nothing that could escalate to the state at which things are at now.

I’ve come up with one logical explanation to this. I just love being depressed. I love crying, I love the pain. Heck, I love it so much I go out and seek it. I love arguing, I love fighting. It sounds like I hate being loved and I hate being happy. Trust me, those are good things while they last. But because of this strange way that I think, I’m just one big screw up.

Figures that sooner or later, everything comes crashing. I’m back to the point of wishing that I was never born.

insolence

I owe allegence to no one. And yet look at what's happening. I don't even know if it's true or not but even the thought of it, be it true or not is making me think of things that I shouldn't even be thinking no matter the circumstances. Paranoia? Should I end this? This is incredibly painful.

And I swear if you lied, I will kill you.

We are...

Patience is a virtue that I will make sure I will have.
Trust is a state of mind that I will always have in you.
Honesty is something that I hope will always be.
Happiness is a state of mind that I find myself experiencing despite the entire mess that's happening around me, causing my world to crumble.
Confusion is the one thing that is slowly eating away at what little I have.
Faith is something that I am instilling in myself. It's not all there yet, but it will be.
Hope is trusting that things will turn out right in the end.
Missing you is the thing that lets me know how alive I am.
Inperfection keeps me in check to become a better person who myself, for you and for the good of the world.

Love is a way of living in hopes of finding that one person.

Death

Looks Like Me 

Hmm... Things are messy. Things might work out things might not. I can't really say. I wish things could be good again. But doesn't look like it huh... You really don't know how much it hurts me. But I know that you're hurting too... I'm sorry... God, I'm so sorry. You really don't deserve to be treated like this.

I don't mean to hurt you. I don't mean to cause any pain. I don't hate you. I can't. I hate myself for even doing this. For giving you so much trouble. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I love you so much. More than you will ever know.

So, I'm gonna watch Naruto, drink my guts out, read Sandman and do school work. I'm sorry. It still hurts. A lot. That's the problem with love...

I'm sorry.

Oh, Hayl? Sorry girl... messy posts... I'm in no state to really make things prettified anymore. I can barely even go to ur blog... I'm just hurting a lot now. And I have to get better. But... it's not going anywhere...

Why can't I just love you?

In fact, you what? Because I believe in you. And I feel the way I do, I'm gonna trust you. I can wait. I will wait if I have to. Trust me.

The Reason - Hoobaskank

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

I love you

There. Enough said. It speaks for itself.

There is nothing I wouldn't do to make this work. Even if it means giving up that which means the world to me. Name your price. You are my ultimate need.

I can't ever hate you. I love you. I hate myself.

Isn't that enough?

I'll Tell You Why

I hate people touching my things. Yea, I’m so bloody materialistic aren’t I. I don’t think that I can buy your affection nor do I even want to try.

I buy things for people as and when I feel like it. It doesn’t mean that I value one over the other does it? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. It is not your concern. There are some things that I choose to tell others and some that I choose to tell no one.

Again, this is my business not yours. I’m not obligated to do as you say. Sure there are times when I ask and I listen but if you think that even for one second that I actually am thinking of letting you run every aspect of my life, you are clearly mistaken.



Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to try and understand where you’re coming from. Oh, that’s right, I LOVE you don’t I. I question if you feel the same way sometimes. It’s kind of hard when you can be so hypocritical. I gave everything up for you and you can’t even acknowledge that.

You ask me to do so many things and I’ve done them with little or no complaints. Even though most of them are things that I would normally never agree to. God, it’s amazing how frustrating this is. Why is it amazing? I’ll tell you why. It’s amazing that I can feel so much energy and so much anger and yet the minute I see you I shove it all to the back of my head where it doesn’t show but it still hurts. Why you bother to even feint ignorance is completely beyond me.

Do you know what it does to me? Do you even care about how I feel?



Telling you like that may have been the biggest blow I’ve ever dealt to you. No, I’ve not forgiven you nor have I actually forgiven myself. I told you I couldn’t. But I said what I had to and now I sit here and wonder if I should have. I wonder if I’ve made a huge mistake. Because here I am, I’ve given as much as I possibly could, I’ve given more than I’ve given anyone. More than I would sacrifice for Luke, for Jon, for my own kin. And that’s really saying something isn’t it. Go ahead, ask. What are the things that I’ve done for the people dearest to me? To the people I keep closet to my heart. Some of them look at me and wonder why I deny myself happiness. Some have reprimanded me because I’ve done things that they think are stopping me from becoming the person I can be. And now that I’ve rectified it, I look again and wonder if they knew what they were talking about. On a certain level, yes, they were right.

But now, from where I’m standing, from the position that I am in, I’m completely screwed. And I would love nothing better than to fix this right now. But as much as I’d like to believe it is, this story isn’t about me. Sure I’m not perfect. Heck, I pride myself as being completely imperfect. I have never expected anything of you except to be true. Even that you couldn’t do for me. I have nothing to say. But still, I care too much to let you go. I’m afraid. You’re hurting me in more ways than you’ll ever know.