A Random Conversational Thought

Why stress yourself out?

Because it's only natural for me to over worry.

Even when there's nothing to really worry over?

Yes, even though there's nothing to worry over.

Just like last weekend.

Yep. It really didn't matter to me if people were gonna come. But they did. Most of them anyways. And I didn't expect anyone to get me anything but they did anyways. Sweet huh.

So why're you still worried? Don't you think your friends love you at all?

I think so. I hope so. Well I know that some do. :) But still, you can't help but feel the slightest bit disappointed if people don't turn up right?

But you just said it didn't matter!

I know... Well, I knew that not everyone could come like they did for Jessica's.

But you called everyone anyways?

No. My mom did. If anything I think she was more worried that I'd be the one who's worried about not having everybody there.

So in the end who do you think was more worried?

My mom I guess. It's hereditory.

Totally out of the blue question. Who's the number one person you're going to miss when you go apart from your parents?

My brother. No doubt about it. I miss him already. Hahaha...

Do you think he's going to be there on friday?

He said he'd try. I don't know if he's working. Coz he's still kinda not feeling well...

Neither are you...

I know... But that's not an excuse to soak up as much of this Island as I can right?

And I thought you hated it here.

Not really. And yet... It's a love hate relationship I guess :P

So who's coming on Friday?

Confirmed?

Whatever.

Jon, Ian, Cia, Geoff, Celia, Jin, Tavia, Prasad, Durga, Karol, Amelia, Janice, Judy, Mash, Liy?, Kenny, Marisa, Rick, Luke, Mark
I know I'm missing people again. But hey.

*tsk tsk*

What?! You try remembering every single person you messaged and spoke to...

Whatever man. Anyways, exactly 1 week to go. Scared yet?

Very.

That's it... I've tried mass messaging AGAIN. So for the rest of you who haven't received for one reason or another (I'll bet bluetooth is fucking up AGAIN), the message reads


"a bunch of us are getting together at Les Chameaux at Riverside View (behind Mohammed Sultan) on the 1st July @ 8pm so i see everyone b4 i leave for melb - MeL"


So yea. c ya :)

I wonder if people really are as dysfunctional as they claim or make themselves out to be. I notice that somehow it this world everyone seems to hold pity in high demand to the point that they give their animals contradictory names just to gain attention or they put up false modest. It's really quite sickening. But which would you rather be? The scum that demands pity or the elitist?

And if you really thinkg about it, it really is very black and white.

Btw, got new sunglasses from Esprit. And my Pablo Picaso specs should be in by friday. Might bring them along with me. We'll just have to wait and see. Ah well, there goes my nail polish - again.

I find my body failing me. I keep sleeping really early or I find myself completely unable to sleep. Even then I wake up at 7? 8? I try to go back to sleep. This morning I thought it was at least 11 or later but no. It was 8:30 in the morning. And that's completely off for me. Ridiculously off.

Contradictions, Irritation and Pure Anixiety. 3 simple words that sum up my entire mind at this point. It's stupid isn't it?

Got a party to throw tomorrow. Gotta sleep now. Tired as hell.

Later babes...

To those who do not already know, I am throwing a party for friends. On the 1st July at Riverside Point's Les Chamaux. However it is you spell it. I can't remember. But I'm certain that there's an 'e' somewhere in the Chamaux. Hmm... Ah well... Who cares. Either way, you all know how to reach me. Let me know if you're coming. I'm not one for unfavoured surprises.

Love is patient & kind;
it is neither jealous, nor conceited;
Love does not put on airs;
Love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable;
Love does not keep a record of wrongs;
Love does not rejoice with the evil, but instead it rejoices with the truth.
Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, & patience never fail.
Love is eternal.

Biblic words that make me wonder about people and how our concept of love is clearly misinformed. I know I only put one bit on bold, but the entire thing would be bolded if I were to point out all the little things that I see the people I care about do. And they do this unto me. Jealousy, ill-mannered, self caring. Worst of all, is the love that was built upon lies. However did I manage to forget it.

Random note: when in my second semester, I shall obtain a cat. And that cat shall be called Cheezle! Heh...

Started reading up on everyone's blogs again. It's about time. Haven't done that in such a long time. I find that I'm so incredibly busy these days! I mean, Jess has gone back to South Africa but my time is literally depleting. Very very quickly.

I've got my flights confirmed. I leave on the 6th at 7:45 on Qantas! :)

In case anyone wants to come, I'm doing a familia BBQ thing this Sunday evening at my place and I'm throwing a party for friends on the 1st. Well, it starts late and ends... Whenver I get killed from the amount of Flamings Tav is threatening me with! Ahahaha.

I went to see my bro today... And his psycho cat. :P Adam is adorable beyond words as usual. I'll have to upload my pictures to the blog soon... I'm still not sure if I want to use flickr or image bucket. What do you guys think?

I refuse to do any work tomorrow. I'm going to go swimming with Tavo :)

Exhaustion takes over as I, Melissa, believes that for once in her life she has had too much to drink in too short a period of time. Not to say that I'm drunk of course. But really, I can't remember the last time I've had this much to drink in the past couple of weeks. Since Jess came, I've been pouring myself shots of Absolut. So Tavia, you'll understand why I'm quite sick of it eh?

Let's just take the last 2 days which involved at least 3 Asahi's, 2 Vodka cranberries, a Screwdriver, a bourbon coke, 2 Corona's and a Heineken not to mention my own little stash PLUS the amount I've been smoking, you could say that I feel pretty much chilled when it comes to drinking at this point. I've had enough. For at least 2 days. Really.

Oh what rubbish, I'm probably going to be drinking again tonight when the family gets together. If not... Well good for them but who the hell cares at this point eh?

I haven't seen the boys or my babes from school in such a long time. I just spoke to Kenny briefly the other day and Luke for a bit too. Rick seems to have himself incredibly busy doing one thing or another with his girlfriend so yea. I'm sorry for not seeing your message till way late Cia... I would've loved to have gone but yea...

I'm beginning to feel very burnt out atm... I need to start planning my party and guest lists and drinks list and food lists and locations... I'm a total wreck at the moment. My parents want to throw one of my friends and another for the family. So yea... Sounds good eh? Now I know why I've got 2 more bottles of Absolut lying around. Flavoured though but who the fuck cares? Alco my friend, IS alco.

I had a couple of really weird dreams. I dreamt I was getting married to this really good looking fella who's about my brother's height. He's either Caucasian or Panasian but I couldn't quite tell. He had short but adorable curly hair. And that put me in such a good mood for the rest of the day. But the following night all that changed when I dreamt about Jed. I dreamt I fell asleep next to him and I woke up to his smiling face as he had his arms around me. Initially I was comfortable with the familiarity but soon after I jolted awake in a cold sweat. *sigh*

You know, seeing Grandma, Grandpa and Godpa's graves the other day was so calming. It was nice to have seen them again. But it was nicer to know that they're still watching out for me. I don't know if they can see this but if they do, they'll know I love them and they'll know I saw them protecting us. Sometimes I do wish I could talk to them. And in order to do that.... Well... I've got to open up again now don't I?

Happy Father's Day.

Bedshaped - Keane

ARgh!!! I'm sooo tired.... What else is new eh?

These past couple of days have seen me incredibly high or incredibly tired therefore leaving me with no real time or interest in blogging. And yes, I do feel guilty :P

Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE!! I LOVE YOU TOO!!!! I didn't expect myself to really call him? But since I managed to get his number, I might as well have eh? But it took my awhile to get the damned area codes straight. I called and spoke to a million and one people including Drey, Damien and Fay. All of whom probably thought I was too drunk to be talking to anyone. Serioulsy though, I wasn't... Jamie can testify to that! (After ages on an overseas call he better....)

So today or yesterday (whatever...) was a lazy day... We watched Nagnak or something like that and Casshern :D We being Jess, Tav and myself. THEN we went to the Night Safari! Haven't been there in such a long time even though Rick and I were talking about going to the Zoo...

Ahaha... ANYWAYS, moving on with things, I still have a huge party to plan! Yes, MeL's long awaited going away party!! Mom's gonna help fund it too! w00t!

Either way, I'm kinda lazy the say more. Apart from the fact that I think I'm becoming lactose intolerant. Can people become lactose intollerent? Hmmmm...

Ok ok ok.... I'm gonna go hit the sack! Buh bye peoples! I still love you all! Especially you. You know who you are :)

I find myself wishing I could live the fairy tale life. I've waited so long haven't I? I've tried so hard. I begin to think that I'm far too ordinary for anything phenomenal to happen to me. My brother, now there's a phenomenal person. But then again we've all got our ups and downs. Mine are purely internal it seems. A complete conflict of the mind where I want to cry and laugh, live and die all at once.

I've lived a pretty straight forward life just as any other person has. Issues with school, life in general... A myriad of stories behind a mask that I've kept immaculate to the vast majority of the world. A mask that hasn't really been tainted by myself but by the people who make imprints on me. I've been back-stabbed and I've back-stabbed as well. It's a pity that the people who are doing these things to me were people who insist I can trust. Obviously I can't. These are the same people who have tried time and time again to rob me of what little happiness I have. People who somehow can't fathom the idea that I am friends with others and share a closeness to others that they could never dream of having.

Intimacy is not equal to trust or love. Intimacy in your case is physical. Or at least that's what it looks like to me. At this point I don't care if you think I'm being bitter. Sure I want to be happy but at this cost? I may not be the purest person alive but I do have morals and integrity which you do not. At least I'm not self-centered. At least I genuinely cared enough to be there for you when others cast you aside. And for God's sake, at least I didn't violate your trust the way you did mine.

But all the same, I won't have to deal with you anymore now do I? I don't have to put up with your rubbish or your ranting. After all, you seem to be in fear of me if not, you wouldn't have to keep me this close now would you? You wouldn't have to keep a close watch on me. And you wouldn't have to be so fearful of what I can and cannot do. I do not believe in revenge. Sure I get angry. But who doesn't? So what if I feel you've wronged me. Karma and judgement is dealt out to all of us in due time. I suggest you watch yourself. Because a greater power is at work here. And when the time comes, that power will look at you and all the things that you've done and then we'll see who's the bigger idiot.

I was just looking back on all the things I've written and said. Angsty, happy, sad... It all doesn't matter really. I didn't do anything that I would lament having done. Except those one or two things which I should never have done in the first place. But yes, I've put them behind me. I don't need your forgiveness. Heck, I don't need anything from you. I'd be better off without you coming in and imposing yourself in my life.

So for once in your entire life, come off your high pedestal and just take a look around you. And then you'll see how alone you really are. Then you'll begin to realise that the wheels have already been in motion and that nice innocent wonderful person that you keep making yourself to be is really nothing that the rest of world doesn't already see through. Then you can come and tell me how arrogant or bitchy I am.

I know this sounds incredibly arrogant and bigoted of me, but I begin to wonder if you're just completely jealous of me and the kind of person I am or is it just that closeness I have with the people I love. The closeness that you don't have because of all your falsity.

I find that I have a lot more to say about you. But I choose not to. My private life must remain as blurred as it is. I have one too many unwelcome readers of my blog. What a pity. I just never thought that I would land up disliking someone who's been slowly infiltrated into my life this much. I never thought your actions would have this huge of a impression on your own psyche. I should hope you don't overdose yourself on medications though. There might not be anyone around to pick you up this time.

And a week later...

I've been hanging out with so many people this past week it's been mad! Hanging out with Jess is great. Out of no where, the parentals seemed to have lightened up on almost everything and well, I've been having a great time. I might be falling sick though.

I spent a good deal of time with my brother too. Well, what can I say? It's been a while. A long while.

Audrey's party was ok too. Rick, Luke, Kenny, Debbie, Mainey, Ben and a couple of Drey's friends were there. Jess and I were sposed to meet up with Cia and Ian that night, but I guess that didn't happen. No worries, there are other opportunities.

I guess hanging with Jess has been really great. I guess it's amazing how well we get a long and how we seem to agree on things very easily and how we're so alike and so different all at once. :)

All the same, all this is a good distraction in a way. I still feel incredibly pissed and sad etc. all at once. It's unearthing but I'm dealing with it. But hey, I shouldn't let people dictate my life. I live how I want to live. I do things because I choose to do them. If anyone's gonna be able to stop me, it's me. No one else. And as for my disappointments... Well... Other people can do or say whatever they want. It's their problem not mine.

But I will say it again, cross me and you will wish you were never born.

I find that I keep trying to prove myself to people when I should not. I don't have to prove myself to anybody but God and well... myself. But that's understandable isn't it? I somehow have lost my way. I feel very blank. And it's not something I'm enforcing on myself by my own will, it's just happening and I'm not sure how I should take it.

in about 5 hours time I have to get ready to leave for Changi. Heh... To think I used to love the airport. What I'd give for a good drink and a smoke at this point. Anything would be better than this. Seriously. anything would be better than this. Unless of course by some strange fluke, my cousin smokes. Now won't that be amusing.

All hail the Royal Screw Up. Who either messes up her life or allows people to come in a further complicate things thereby throwing her into a huge state of confusion, depression, malice and such.

Really, if I could pay someone to shoot me at this point would you let me know?

It's one thing to have academic credits. It's another to realise that you aren't as good as you could or want to be. I know of so many people who have others sing their praise but in the end, they don't believe in themselves at all. Of course it's sad. But then again there are those who think they're all that when they're really shit. Like a certain idiot I know. But hey, who cares eh? She's out of my hair at least for the time being.

Omg omg omg, Jess is coming in what, 2 days? Today I have to get up early (God forbid) to go get my medical shit done. Argh... Then I can go shop with mummy! :D Did I mention I finally got my guitar restrung? Yes I did! for like 40 bucks. But hey, as long as it's in good condition I'm willing to pay any kind of price here... On top of that, Mel and Addie are finally sleeping in their new house on their new bed in rooms where the air conditioner is actually functioning. But of course, Adam is still here. I'm gonna really miss them. I know I've been craving my space a LOT but still, I know I really am going to miss them.

You know how I used to talk about Mass Comm being one of the best decisions I've made for myself? I'm beginning to think I was wrong. Sure it was fun, sure I loved it but look at me now. Exactly what am I doing? I'm going to study Psychology for crying out loud. And design? Please... That's not going anywhere and we all know it so let's stop trying to make me feel any worse ok? Maybe Mr. Quek was right. Maybe I should've just stuck to radio. Ah well... Let's hope that Psychology puts me on the right track.

I can't explaing this wetness on my face. I can't explain why it won't stop no matter how much I want it to. Today was a terrible day. I was thrown into being pissed and tired and uupset and just plain depressed all at once. I'm back to one of those strange stages where I just someone would just shoot me. Mel keeps telling me not stress myself out and never force myself to do stuff until I
m ready. But... I just feel so damned broken. And clearlyI've got to deal with this shit on my own. Again. As usual. Why is it that I keep depending on everyone. And even things that I can't see. I'm a couple of days late to the crying. Haven't cried this hard in a very long time. I cried earlier today too. I locked myself up for a good ahlf hour before I went back to real life. It's not that I'm in a bad situation that's just gone and blown up in my face. The sitauation already blew up a long time ago. It just... It still hurts. A lot. Is it really that difficult? To sto crying I mean. Why the hell ca'nt I just be angry and curse everything. Why can't I just stop.

It's one thing to try and pack your room and your things. It's a whole OTHER thing when you realise that you have no space for any of it. I am relatively pissed that up to now, I still have not been given the space that i have been promised. The one who is helping me is incompetent beyond reason. I swear all these people do is complain, complain and complain more! Is it so bloody difficult? I don't think so.

Mel and Addie are moving out THIS Sunday. 2 weeks LATE. Therefore I am forced to pack and cramp everything involving cleaning and packing into THREE days. Ridiculous.

You know what, I feel significantly better. Yesterday went a lot better than I'd expected. Didn't really think about stuff till I spoke to Audrey. And I realised, what do I care what the world thinks of thigns that have nothing to do with it? This is my story isn't it? It plays by my rules and the strange thigns that have been imposed on me. In a sense, they only matter coz I let them.

Btw, I finished reading Angels and Demons. Take that all you idiots who think that I don't read! It was a very good read by the way. For me to want to keep the book in hand and read it all in less than a day. I think I shall move on to Allende. But I'm kinda bored at the moment so I think I shall go read my email. I've been neglecting it again. :P

I just pain stakingly filled out my VISA. And only God knows when I can go for my medical. Brilliant isn't it?

ah well...

I draw your attention to something I read in Angels and Demons. Yes, i'm still at it. nearly 2-thirds done.

"I don't understand this omnipotent-benevolent thing."
The camerlegno smiled. "You've been reading Scripture."
"I try."
"You are confused because the Bible describes God as an omnipotent and benevolent deity."
"Exactly."
"Omnipotent-benevolent simply means that God is all-powerful and well-meaning."
"I understand the concept. It's just . . . there seems to be a contradiction."
"Yes. The contradiction is pain. Man's starvation, war, sickness . . ."
"Exactly!" Chartrand knew the camerlegno would understand. "Terrible things happen in this world.
Human tragedy seems like proof that God could not possibly be both all-powerful and well-meaning. If He
loves us and has the power to change our situation, He would prevent our pain, wouldn't He?"
The camerlegno frowned. "Would He?"
Chartrand felt uneasy. Had he overstepped his bounds? Was this one of those religious questions you just
didn't ask? "Well . . . if God loves us, and He can protect us, He would have to. It seems He is either
omnipotent and uncaring, or benevolent and powerless to help."
"Do you have children, Lieutenant?"
Chartrand flushed. "No, signore."
"Imagine you had an eight-year-old son . . . would you love him?"
"Of course."
"Would you do everything in your power to prevent pain in his life?"
"Of course."
"Would you let him skateboard?"
Chartrand did a double take. The camerlegno always seemed oddly "in touch" for a clergyman. "Yeah, I
guess," Chartrand said. "Sure, I'd let him skateboard, but I'd tell him to be careful."
"So as this child's father, you would give him some basic, good advice and then let him go off and make
his own mistakes?"
"I wouldn't run behind him and mollycoddle him if that's what you mean."
"But what if he fell and skinned his knee?"
"He would learn to be more careful."
The camerlegno smiled. "So although you have the power to interfere and prevent your child's pain, you
would choose to show your love by letting him learn his own lessons?"
"Of course. Pain is part of growing up. It's how we learn."
The camerlegno nodded. "Exactly."

Chapter 89 Angels and Demons by Dan Brown

Can you believe it? It's been a year since it all started. A year that marked so many great adventures in my life. So many moments of bliss and depression. How I wish I could have been the one who ran away instead of remaining here, standing my ground.

A million crazy things have happened since then that have brought me closer to the people I love and shown me the reality of those I thought I did. It showed me that people sober and people letting go aren't the same person at all. It also showed me that the world will make use of you if you aren't careful and that it's pretty much a sad sad place to live in where there is little true love but an abundance of deception. I think it's really sad.

Well, I went shopping today. I bough Isabel Allende, Dan Brown and Hideyuki Kikuchi. I have loads more to buy though. And I have even more to pack. Kinda scarey isn't it? Packing to run away for half a year. Some can. I wish, unlike them, I will be a lot more prepped for it.

As I said earlier, I finally bought Dan Brown's Angels and Demons. Well my mom bought it but that's besides the point. I'm reading it now and it's fascinating. I am not surprised the Vatican isn't too happy with him ahaha... But all the same, if the possibility of the existence of anti-matter becomes a reality, not only are we able to self-destruct to the point of nothingness, but we would have a power that just might bring us to a whole new level of existence. A whole step closer to God. I suppose it's because of people like me that the church denounced it though. Too easily swayed. But the possibility of it all is amazing.

But if I intend to finish reading the books I bought (my mom bought...) before Jess comes, I've got a lot of reading to do :)

I am so damned tired... Stupid air conditioner refuses to co-operate. My dad is also being very unreasonable about it. Never mind. I shall blindly listen. If anything happens to any one of my electronics, there'll be hell to pay.

Either way, I'm in a very bad mood. This is the third of fourth time this week he's irritated the fuck out of me. Annoying I swear. What's a girl to do.