Knockin On Heaven's Door

Hello hello….
I am so proud of myself. I’m actually finishing most of my work ☺ So far, this is what I have left
1. finishing the flash for The Terminal
2. waiting for the edit of my PowerBook article so that I can upload
3. Bjork Review
4. My second Blog
5. The second and final drafts of my Script
6. Re-editing The Sandman feature in time for Halloween
7. MediaLaw Assignment
8. MediaLaw exam
9. MEC resume and cover letter
10. Children’s Day Nostalgia feature
11. Redesigning Blog for UrbanWire (and me when I can!!)

See? Not so bad anymore. Because I finished the bulk of it last night. ☺ I’m exhausted though. Slept at 3-something woke at… er… 8? Heh… Worst than poor Luke and Rick who had to go in today. Saw Saf online this morning too. But he went offline before I could really say anything of substance. Ah well…

Well, MeL is going back to work. She must finish all work except 7 and 8 tomorrow. The other’s have till Monday. Hehehe! I can do it!!

Something nice I found. AHH! :D Fine, VERY NICE! The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King Extended DVD Box Set is being released TOMORROW :D!! MeL is in lurve... Whee~!!

Guys, yesterday was great. I miss you loads. Rick: one day I’ll hang out with you and Ben ok? I promise.

I love you.

Just Breathe

This has been yet another crazy week. It has involved me smoking more than I ever thought I could in a week. I worry for myself. All the same, I’ve made new friends who I get along very well with. ☺ You guys rock!

A lot of things have happened that have made me reassess how I see people and how I tackle problems. My issue now is trust. As long as I know that you guys genuinely are there for me because you want to be and not because you pity me, the more I can deal with my problems. I love you.

I love you Rick. And you Luke. And you Kenny.

But most of all, I love my family. And I love you Jed.

well FUCK YOU too

Let me just say this ONCE AND FOR FUCKING ALL. If I say NO, I fucking mean NO1 Do not push me you fucking idiots coz I swear to God, I will push back.

I’m in a weird mood. I feel like smoking my guts out and picking a fight with ANYONE and EVERYONE over ANYTHING. I might’ve got it from hanging out with you eh? I’ve like a fuck load of work to do and I’m too damned pissed to do jack shit. Why? I don’t rightly know. I doubt it had anything to do with yesterday. I was like this on Saturday when I completely flared up at Rick over nothing. I’m sorry man. It’s a stupid excuse but I’m not in a right state of mind at the moment. Take no offence ok? I don’t want to hurt you but honestly…

I feel like an ice cold beer. Unfortunately for me, I’ve run out of beer. Yes, I’ve dug into my stash and there is none left. Pathetic. So what if I like drinking and smoking. Doesn’t make me any less human than any of the sorry fucks who’re judging me. Ya, it’s bad for me. As are a large number of bad things that almost everyone’s guilty of doing eh? Don’t think for one second that I actually give a fuck. I’m aiming for less complication on my part. I hate having to explain myself to anyone.

In case you were wondering, I’m fucking cracking. I hate feeling like this. I hate wanting to destroy someone and yet no be able to. I hate wanting to kill someone and not being able to. I hate IT. The fucking troll that started all this shit. Yes, I blame IT. Think about it love, we were fucking happy. I was happy and so were you. And a lot of people were too. Well not a lot but enough. It’s because of IT that there’re so many complications now. I can’t understand why IT won’t leave us alone. And why you can’t just get IT to fuck off.

By the way, I love you. I don’t give a fuck what people say. I don’t care what they think I should do. Because if they really cared for me then they’d know that I’ll fight them. I don’t let anyone get in my way. Not when it’s my happiness at stake. I know I said I’m sick of fighting. I am. But if I don’t fight then who will? Reality just hit me. I feel like I’m dying. (cue the Mel you’re being over dramatic) I DON’T CARE! DON’T YOU GET THAT?! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?! SO WHAT IF THIS LOOKS LIKE I’M THROWING A FUCKING TANTRUM! SO WHAT IF YOU ALL THINK I’M A CHILDISH FUCK. THAT’S YOU’RE FUCKING PERROGATIVE AND I’M NOT ABOUT TO DEMAND YOU CHANGE IT! NOBODY LIKES A WHORE LIKE YOU. YOU HEAR ME? YOU’RE ALONE. Ironically, I’m pretty much alone too. By right, I’m not supposed to be alone on this. But I somehow am. God knows where he is or what he’s thinking. Who knows where we are. Who knows what anything’s become.

We’re just a bunch of fuck ups living our fucked up lives. And just like you said, we get loads of perfectly good opportunities but we somehow manage to fuck it up. My patience is amazingly still here. It hasn’t grown thin yet. Yet. This is another one of those I wish I could just die days. Still wish you were here. Or at least answering. Sleep tight love.

fuckers, horses mouths and whores

For fuck's sake, does NOBODY value privacy anymore?! I'm out today and the people I hang out with are also subjected to asses going into their email accounts and shit. I swear, it's FUCKING ANNOYING. We watched Almost Famous today. I liked it. Honestly, you really don't know who your real friends are anymore. You don't know if the people whol ove you really do love you and least of all, you don't know who you can trust. Reasons for me to feel even more like an idiot I suppose? Well, I do. But it doesn't change where I stand. Of all weird things to feel. So to all the sorry fucks out there who love to run amock in other peoples emails, phones, messengers, whatever, YOU HAVE NO LIFE! YOUR PURPOSE IS APPARENTLY TO IRRITATE THE FUCK OUT OF ME.

Another aimless thing I was pondering about, how love is blind. I mean, as it is love in this day and age is so fucking complicated. I'm not talking about superfical blindness here. You become blind to the obvious traps that you normally would stear yourself clear of. You become blind to your significant others' faults. Not that them having faults is a bad thing. Heck, if my boyfriend didn't have faults I'd worry. But it's not a matter of being blind to his faults. It's more that you accept them as a part of who they are. And that is like step one in a relationship. Even before there is trust. Trust is something that's built up over time. God knows I'm learning to trust Jed. It's not easy but it'll happen. It's one of those, if it's meant to be thingies.

Truth be told, I'm feeling completely psychotic. More so that usual. Smoked enough to keep me even more broke than I ever should be. Heck, I'm gonna go again after I'm done with this! Fuck la... I'm certain that somethings are better off unsaid. But I'm also certain that I'd rather hear the story from the horses mouth versus finding it out from the mouth of the whore. (Note, I am merely using the same term another individual used to describe. Not like I give a fuck anyways!) So all the same, I appreciate it.

FUCKING KNN-ing KEYBOARD is fucking pissing me off! I officially have no space for my keyboard. I have too much junk. But it's still my fault for having 3 computers all side by side. Explains why my TV is so underused. But fuck that shit. I hate it that I'm alone at home. Wish you were here.

Oh, in case you're wondering what's going on, IT'S MY FUCKING CHOICE SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!!! I know you care. But seriously, it's pissing me off.

dying in the sun, the cranberries

MeL posts SCRIPTURE! haha

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endues all things.

Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a childl when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

The Word of the Lord

Taken from the first letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)

Ivan’s wedding. Made me think. I have love. I am happy in that. Whether anything happens or not, I still have love. And it’s not about to go anywhere.

All You Want, Dido

Spies, Coldplay

I awake to find no peace of mind
I said how do you live
As a fugitive?
Down here, where I cannot see so clear
I said what do I know?
Show me the right way to go

And the spies came out of the water
And you're feeling so bad 'cos you know
And the spies hide out in every corner
But you can't touch them no
'Cos they're all spies

They're all spies

I awake to see that no one is free
We're all fugitives - look at the way we live
Down here, I cannot sleep from fear, no
I said which way do I turn?
Oh I forget everything I learn

Spies came out of the water
And you're feeling so bad 'cos you know
And the spies hide out in every corner
But you can't touch them no
'Cos they're all spies

They're all spies

And if we don't hide here
They're gonna find us
And if we don't hide now
They're gonna catch us when we sleep
And if we don't hide here
They're gonna find us

Spies came out of the water
And you're feeling so good 'cos you know
But those spies hide out in every corner
They can't touch you, no
'Cos they're just spies

They're just spies
They're just spies
They're just spies
They're just spies

meh...

Hello loves, I’m watching Naruto 102 now… It’s entertaining I guess but at the moment it’s just fillers. A whole bunch of nonsense in the middle. Entertaining all the same. I’m supposed to be doing my White Chicks ad. But… Geoff hasn’t sent me the template and Mary-Ann hasn’t sent me the stuff off her thumb drive either. *sigh*

I’m tired… It’s been such a long day… And I’ve been exhausted the whole way! I’m amazed I managed to sit through the MediaLaw assessed tutorial AND the script writing make up test. And online journ too. I had such a bad headache throughout too. It’s been rushing around the whole day! I suppose a good thing about today is the fact that I managed to come up with another idea for my final blog on UrbanWire. This entire semester has been madness. I’ve barely had any time to do the blog layout for U-Musings… Ah well…

So at the moment I seem to be getting along relatively well. I’m catching up on my work. Everyone seems to think that I don’t look well though… I’ve burnt out totally I guess? Even mom said I looked like I was sick. Well I just feel completely exhausted. Confused with a lot of things too. Don’t understand a lot of things. I’m trying to. I mean, I can’t just say I understand right? No one can do that. And those who claim they can are lying. Heh… Let’s just say that things are looking better than they have been for the past week? From my point of view at least.

Crash and Burn, Savage Garden
I bet you don’t remember what you said to me when we were listening to this song eh? I remember it. You said if I needed you, you’d be there. Thank you. ☺

Linger, Cranberries

if you
if you could return
don't let it burn
don't let it fade
i'm sure i'm not being rude
but it's just your attitude
that's tearing me apart
it's ruining everything

i swore
i swore i would be true
and, honey, so did you
so why were you holding her hand?
is that the way we stand?
were you lying all the time?
was it just a game to you?

but i'm in so deep
you know i'm such a fool for you
you've got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to
do you have to
don you have to let it linger

oh, i thought the world of you
i thought nothing could go wrong
but i was wrong
i was wrong

if we,
if we could get by
trying not to lie
things wouldn't be so confused
and i wouldn't feel so used
but you always really knew
i just wanna be with you

but i'm in so deep
you know i'm such a fool for you
you've got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to
do you have to
don you have to let it linger

Innate stupidity

ok ok so I know Denise probably drew this for someone else. And I don't know if she'll mind me using it on my blog. But it struck something in me. Even the song she linked to it made me think of everything that's happened. And I can't explain why I still care so much when clearly you don't care about me. Or at least it doesn't seem that way.

I spent a good part of last night trying to convince myself that it was good while it lasted. At least the happy bits were really happy. Turns out I'm missing the exact same thing you missed. Hugging you to sleep. Maybe I was just too damned proud and ignorant to see it. I keep thinking that it's my fault when I technically didn't do anything. There's nothing between me and Rick for crying out loud. There hasn't been one ever! You're the one who's lost and confused. You're the one who doesn't know what you want. And still I'm fucking sitting here waiting for you

Storm, Lifehouse

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form.
The water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see you everything would be alright.
If I could see you this darkness would turn into light
and I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall,
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright, and everything will be alright.

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown,
so why am I ten feet under and upside down.
Barely surviving has become my purpose
'cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface.

If I could just see you everything would be alright.
If I could see you this darkness would turn into light
and I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall,
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright, and everything will be alright.

and I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright.

and it still lingers

So I’m sitting in class. Acting and Directing class. Reading my lines. I’m playing the conservative girl and Michelle’s playing the extroverted one. We’re not really rehersing now. We’re on in a bit. I open up Safari and I look at my blogs. As much as I’d like to believe that I’m ok, I’m not.

Need I really say more about how I feel about everything and all the choices I made? Changed or not, stupid or not, I still do love him. And yes, I’d probably run back to him. But hey. It’s not about me is it. It never is.

There are so many things that are going through my mind now. I don’t know what to say anymore. Maybe you think this was a mistake from the start. I don’t. One by one people are giving up on me. Not like it matters. He’s given up on me evidently. I’ve given up on me.

I’m sorry fucking things up eh? But the question is, WHAT did I fuck up?

Our Lady Peace, Waited

i love you

I’m just sitting here in the middle of the night wondering if I’m doing the right thing. I feel completely screwed over still. I’m still completely in love with you and it hurts so much to be in the position I’m in. I may look like I’m ok but I’m not. I helped Geoff with his photojourn. It wasn’t so hard seeing that he wanted to capture sadness. And who better but me? So I did. Seeing that I was the pinnacle of sadness anyways… Relationships are kind of over rated I guess… Or is this just me sounding spiteful. I don’t know. It’s just ridiculous to think of the circumstances that led up to this.

I still think it’s my fault… I mean, I spend a lot of time with my best friends. And yes, they’re guys. But then again, it’s no reason to be upset right? Doesn’t it boil down to trust? I haven’t done anything to make you distrust me have I? Think about it, you’ve done so many questionable things and I’ve stood by you the whole way. Sure sometimes, I really find it hard to just trust you. But in the end, I’m still by your side right? I never left. You did.

Look, I’m sorry I love you. I still do. You’ve left me no choice. I have to do this whether we both want to be together or not. I can’t take anymore of this shit from you. I will say this though some parts of it were really nice. I still remember when we just started going out. How surreal it felt. How perfectly innocent it all was. But I also remember how the trouble started. Sure maybe I provoked it first but even that was a misunderstanding. You didn’t have to do the things you did. You didn’t have to say those things did you?

I’m not the perfect girlfriend. And I won’t be. I’m just me. And if that’s not enough than I’m sorry, I can’t be with you. Make no mistake, this is you’re doing. And yet, I still love you on top of everything you’ve done that tore me up then and still tears me up now. To think that I said "Being with you keeps me together. Knowing you love me keeps me alive." It did then. And now that you don't... I don't know. I'm lost.

Rock-A-Bye – Shawn Mullins
How ironic. I wish things would be ok again. But you don’t always get what you wish for. The same way I wish you knew how I felt.

there it goes

Ever get the feeling that what you want is something you can never have? And when it seems like you have it, it's nothing but one big lie? Yea. I don't want this to end the way it has. But it's not like I have a choice do I? I feel like I've just been a puppet in this whole mess. I hate it. A lot.

Blogging has become such a chore to me. I can't really do it anymore. I can barely see straight, let alone pour out my thoughts to anonymous strangers who don't give a fuck. And even worse, to those who back stab. The maniacal bitches and bastards who're grinning their heads off because they love seeing me in this state. I hope you're happy now. Now that I've lost everything.

But wait... How could I have lost something that I never had to begin with? That's right... I couldn't have could I? Makes me wonder what's been going on. Clearly I've been taken for a ride. Just too plain ignorant to see it. I've bitched about how sickening it is when people are ignorant right? Turns out it's me. I've been the biggest idiot of them all. I was right. Sadly.

I feel completely fucked. It would be nice if someone could come kill me. Or if someone would just take me away. Not possible is it.

In case any of you are wondering, no I didn't do this out of spite or revenge. Telling the complete truth, now that would be out of spite. But hey, it's not my story to tell. I'm just a character who got dragged along.

I just want to go home.

Your soul is bound to the Rose Petals: The
Wronged.

"'ve come undone and all hopes of mending
me are gone because the pain took my soul.
Can't you see? The only one who can put me
back together again is me."

The Rose Petals are associated with sorrow,
reflection, and wisdom. They are governed by
the goddess Persephone and their sign is The
Teardrop, or Broken Love.

As a Rose Petal, you are always self-reflective and
may be hard on yourself. You probably have
been hurt in the past by other people and can
sometimes distance yourself, as a result. You
don't usually let other get too close to you,
but you are very good at mending your spirits
back together by yourself.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

Paranoia fades away

I have no one reassuring me this time. And yet I feel ok. I feel paranoia slipping away. I trust my intuition. It's not necessarily right but it's worked out for me the past 18++ years. At the moment, I'm pretty ok. Sleeping it off helped loads. I wonder what's happening now though... I miss you to bits. And things are still messy. I know they are.

Does it help matters that I'm constantly paranoid? I don't think so right? So hey, things are gonna be ok now. I trust they will be.

All You Want - Dido

I'd like to watch you sleep at night,
to hear you breathe by my side
And although sleep leaves me behind,
there's nowhere I'd rather be
And now our bed is oh so cold,
my hands feel empty, no-one to hold
I can sleep what side I want,
it's not the same with you gone
Oh if you'd come home, I'll let you know that
All you want, is right here in this room, all you want
And all you need, is sitting here with you, all you want
It's been three years, one night apart,
but in that night you tore my heart
If only you had slept alone,
if those seeds had not been sown
Oh you could come home and you would know that
All you want, is right here in this room, all you want
All you need is sitting here with you, all you want
I hear your key turning in the door,
I won't be hearing that sound anymore
And you and your sin can leave the way you just came in,
send my regards to her
I hope you've found that
All you want, is right there in that room, all you want
All you need is sitting there with you, all you want
I'd like to watch you sleep at night,
to hear you breathe by my side.

pissing me off

Yesterday, I was in school the whole day... Helping out with the Gaming Competition at school. Then I met Rick and Kenny for dinner. Pity the UW peeps were busy eh? :P

Well I was severely pissed off when I got home. I didn't log on till like 1. Coz Singnet was being a biatch and my msn account was hacked by some juvenile kid. I don't know who it is. I have my suspicions but I have no real proof. What pisses me off even more is the fact that people think that it's a small issue. Well, it's NOT. I'm still pissed!

Tomorrow... tomorrow... I need my camera... Ugh... Need to finish my stories! Therefore I need my camera! Heh. Yea, I'm pissed. Pissed about all this shit and even more pissed that I can't bitch about the stuff that really made my blood boil.

Ah well...

Listening to: Giving In, Adema

I'm sorry that you hacked my account when the people you clearly would have wanted to talk to weren't online. Loser...

Themes

Oh look, I found my theme song. I've said everything I could possibly say.

"This Is The New Shit" - Marilyn Manson

Everything has been said before
Nothing left to say anymore
When it's all the same
You can ask for it by name

Babble, Babble, Bitch, Bitch
Rebel, Rebel, Party, Party
Sex, sex, sex, and don't forget the violence
Blah, blah, blah
Got your lovey-dovey sad and lonely
Stick your stupid slogan in
Everybody sing along
Babble, Babble, Bitch, Bitch
Rebel, Rebel, Party, Party
Sex, sex, sex, and don't forget the violence
Blah, blah, blah
Got your lovey-dovey sad and lonely
Stick your stupid slogan in
Everybody sing

Are you motherfuckers ready for the new shit?
Stand up and admit, tomorrow's never coming
This is the new shit
Stand up and admit
Do we get it? NO!
Do we want it? YEAH!
This is the new shit
Stand up and admit

Babble, Babble, Bitch, Bitch
Rebel, Rebel, Party, Party
Sex, sex, sex, and don't forget the violence
Blah, blah, blah
Got your lovey-dovey sad and lonely
Stick your stupid slogan in
Everybody sing along
Everything has been said before
Nothing left to say anymore
When it's all the same
You can ask for it by name

Are you motherfuckers ready for the new shit?
Stand up and admit, tomorrow's never coming
This is the new shit
Stand up and admit
Do we get it? NO!
Do we want it? YEAH!
This is the new shit
Stand up and admit

Now it's you-know-who
I got the you-know-what
I stick you-know-where
You know why, you don't care
Now it's you-know-who
I got the you-know-what
I stick you-know-where
You know why, you don't care
Now it's you-know-who
I got the you-know-what
I stick you-know-where
You know why, you don't care
Now it's you-know-who
I got the you-know-what
I stick it you-know-where
You know why, you don't care

Babble, Babble, Bitch, Bitch
Rebel, Rebel, Party, Party
Sex, sex, sex, and don't forget the violence
Blah, blah, blah
Got your lovey-dovey sad and lonely
Stick your stupid slogan in
Everybody sing

Are you motherfuckers ready for the new shit?
Stand up and admit, tomorrow's never coming
This is the new shit
Stand up and admit
Do we get it? NO!
Do we want it? YEAH!
This is the new shit
Stand up and admit

So Let us
entertain you
So Let us
entertain you
So Let us
entertain you
So Let us
entertain you
So Let us
entertain you

I'm still here waiting

"Waited" - Our Lady Peace

Hit the ground
Weighed down again
You walked out
But I'm sure you're my friend

It must have been good
This can't be for good
Everyone's....
Is everyone OK

I waited
But I must be too dumb to be proud
Because I waited, I waited

Woke to sounds
I prayed you were there
I fell back down
But I'm sure you still care

Sounds like my life in a nutshell doesn't it? *sigh* I don't want to have to fight or feel inferior or have to go out to get your attention. Yea, I have to fight to get your attention. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for the longest time. So much so that I've been falling ill again. I don't know how or why.

Why he chooses to fight my battles for me is another story. It's not like I'm ungrateful. Don't get me wrong. But sometimes it's hard to pick up the pieces again. Considering who's doing the fighting. I mean, really. It's not easy one bit. Not when I feel like I'm really fighting a losing battle. But I'm still waiting aren't I? Aren't I still hanging on? Aren't I trying hard to trust everything? But you don't trust me do you... When I've done nothing to betray your trust. I don't understand you anymore.

I survived.

I love that you've never lied to me. That's one thing I completely love about you. I feel like I'm losing you and losing my grip. So sue me, i've gone all sappy again. It happens. I'm scared I guess. But it's ok, I'm still alive. I've survived a lot of things imcomparable to this and I'm bent on making it through this as well. Call it resiliance.

Guys, I know you love me to bits but please, this is my fight. After all, you keep saying that you only want me to be happy right? You can say all you want, I don't mind. In fact, I welcome it. But ultimately, this is my battle to fight. Let me fight it on my own until I cannot anymore. I've hung on for so long already, don't make me have to throw it all away. Because you know that I don't want to.

Hanging out with the gang on Friday was fun. I felt loads better after feeling completely fucked on Thursday. And this time we were completely low budget too! Haha! Thanks for dinner Luke. :) So that went well. I went to church yesterday too. After such a long time. Talk about guilt trip. I actualyl turned up at choir practice and the wedding practice AND caroling. Gonna try and make my turning up a habit. I will try. I promise.

I'm looking forward to next week. One week of torture and then another weekend. Tavia's on a break too :) Which means that I'll be meeting her for lunch or dinner one of these days! yay! :D I miss you loads girl!!!

I survived.

I've been feeling incredibly shitty over the past couple of days. A whole lot of rubbish has been happening that's been really driving me to the edge. Mentally and physically. I'm really beginning to fall sick again. Ridiculous isn't it? I feel so irritated I swear. I don't even know what to say. I am barely starting at the screen now. Feeling a massive headache coming on.

I'm in school by the way. I'm here to do work. I feel like dying though. Pity no one I know is gonna come kill me eh? Perhaps I really should start provoking them into killing me? Heh... Little by little things are beginning to takes it toll on me and I really don't know what to say or how to deal with things. I mean, haven't I been patient enough? Haven't I given up so much already? Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing it. It's really beginning to take it's toll on me but I still manage to hang in there and survive. If you wanna kill me please just do it ok?