i love you

I’m just sitting here in the middle of the night wondering if I’m doing the right thing. I feel completely screwed over still. I’m still completely in love with you and it hurts so much to be in the position I’m in. I may look like I’m ok but I’m not. I helped Geoff with his photojourn. It wasn’t so hard seeing that he wanted to capture sadness. And who better but me? So I did. Seeing that I was the pinnacle of sadness anyways… Relationships are kind of over rated I guess… Or is this just me sounding spiteful. I don’t know. It’s just ridiculous to think of the circumstances that led up to this.

I still think it’s my fault… I mean, I spend a lot of time with my best friends. And yes, they’re guys. But then again, it’s no reason to be upset right? Doesn’t it boil down to trust? I haven’t done anything to make you distrust me have I? Think about it, you’ve done so many questionable things and I’ve stood by you the whole way. Sure sometimes, I really find it hard to just trust you. But in the end, I’m still by your side right? I never left. You did.

Look, I’m sorry I love you. I still do. You’ve left me no choice. I have to do this whether we both want to be together or not. I can’t take anymore of this shit from you. I will say this though some parts of it were really nice. I still remember when we just started going out. How surreal it felt. How perfectly innocent it all was. But I also remember how the trouble started. Sure maybe I provoked it first but even that was a misunderstanding. You didn’t have to do the things you did. You didn’t have to say those things did you?

I’m not the perfect girlfriend. And I won’t be. I’m just me. And if that’s not enough than I’m sorry, I can’t be with you. Make no mistake, this is you’re doing. And yet, I still love you on top of everything you’ve done that tore me up then and still tears me up now. To think that I said "Being with you keeps me together. Knowing you love me keeps me alive." It did then. And now that you don't... I don't know. I'm lost.

Rock-A-Bye – Shawn Mullins
How ironic. I wish things would be ok again. But you don’t always get what you wish for. The same way I wish you knew how I felt.