What would you do if you knew that the things around you are in contradiction to what you've come to believe in? Do you try and revert back to what has been conditioned into your mind to be right? Do you ponder on what exactly is the right thing to do as I am?

This holidays have been somewhat quiet. Why? Because I'm making it a point to stay out of trouble. To stay away from situations and people that will inevitably land me in trouble. Trying very hard even though it's hurting me a lot more than I let it show.

I really needed all this down time but how much is too much. Have I pushed myself to a place where I can't seem to pull myself out of? A place where people are watching my every move. Where people keep on accusing me of doing and saying things that I didn't and couldn't have possibly said because I've gone into blardy isolation?

Is it possible for me to fix problems that I never caused? To fix things that I didn't have a hand in but have had myself shoved straight into the middle of the mess? I don't think I can. I've done all that I ever could and if they still want to go on thinking that it's my fault when I know that I didn't do anything wrong I can't fix it can I? What am I supposed to do? Take the blame when it's not my fault? Does that make me the bigger person? I don't think so. It just makes me the scapegoat.

The one way ticket to solving all your problems is blaming me isn't it. Let's blame MeL coz she won't do or say anything in return. Well, I hope you're happy now. I really do. And maybe one day you'll come to realise that I didn't have jack shit to do with it. But even then, it'll probably be too late.

ok so scratch the Sentosa plans, we're headed to Kandi Bar!! w00t!!!

and that is all.

Strangely, I haven't gone to many Christmas parties this year. I haven't been boozing and I'm quite proud of myself. :)

Gone are the days where I drink my guts out and throw up like there's no tomorrow. Well... I guess there is New Years... Hahaha! But this time I'm supposed to be at Sentosa with the gang from Mass Comm. The plans are... not settled. Yet. I haven't been able to get in touch with them as of yet so I don't know what's going to happen. Still, I don't think it'll take too long to come up with some semblance of plans. Worse case scenario, I'll just head off to my cousin's place?

But here's to hoping that I can contact this lot or they contact me.

PS: I'm trying to build my spirts up.

PPS: NOT THAT SPIRIT!

if i could sleep forever

I think it's disgusting. How a person can go on wanting the good things to happen to the point of hoping and praying and crying and wishing. Yet, at the same time, keep waiting and watching for something bad to happen.

What is the fucking point of hoping and praying for things to be ok when you keep thinking that it's never going to happen. Isn't that just a friggin' paradox? How can I not feel sad? How can I not feel utterly disgusted?

And you have the nerve to ask me why I look so sad. I just wish that you could see what all this is doing. I wish you could hear me scream. I don't blame you for all the shit. But all the same, you ought to be able to see what all this is doing to all of us.

I just needed to get this out.

No matter what any one says, or whatever happens, I'll always be there for you. No matter what, I'll always have faith in you. I'll always believe in you. I'll always look up to you and I'll always love you.

I've very rarely questioned the things that you've told me. Sometimes I take things with a pinch of salt but even so, I will never allow myself to believe that you're lying to me.

I don't care if people think I'm stupid or ignorant. I don't care if they say that I'm an idiot for having so much blind faith. I'd rather be the biggest idiot in all the creations than to lose faith in you.

i go out on friday night and i come back on saturday morning

Happy Christmas guys.

It was brought to my attention earlier this evening that I didn't look happy. It could be that I'm tired out of my wits. It could be that my body is in perpetual pain. But the more I think about it the more I begin to realise that I'm growing increasingly sad.

This past month has been full of ups and downs, surprises and disappointments, bouts of fortune and misfortune. But despite all of that, I was pretty happy, content and at peace. I suppose that the reason for my growing sadness is due to the fact that I know that it won't last. The happiness. The quiet. I know that at some point, it's going to go away and I don't want it to.

I've had the best Christmas that I've had in years. Instead of the usual drunk stupor that comes with partying with friends or stay overnight at Rick's from the 24th to the 25th, I spent my time with people that I really wanted to spend it with. I spent this Christmas in a meaningful way. I thought that I would be going out and doing the things that I normally would do. It doesn't really matter that my plans didn't fall through because at the end of the day, I found that this Christmas tops all the rest.

And in a few hours, things are going to change. Not in a bad way. But still, I am going to have to readjust to it. To being by myself all over again. I don't like it really. I loved these past few days because it reminded me of what it was like when I was a kid. Full of nostalgia and reminiscing with people that have been with me every step of the way.

Right now, I'm fighting the tears. I don't want to cry. Not today. After all, I managed to get through the day without a single cynical remark, without a single ill thought. It was simple. A little tiring at first but it was quite relieving after a while.

I'm really going to miss Christmas' like this one. I don't think I'll be able to have one for a very long time. Heck, it might be the last Christmas that I in my opinion is perfect.

And, for what it's worth, I hope that your Christmas was as perfect as mine. Or at least close to it.

And, for what it's worth, I love you.

Silence is empty, filled with breaths from mouths
that never move no more

she talked some more, she talks now

and all the lights went out in empty rooms
and now the empty hall

I talk alone, i talk now

And all I wanted was a Chance to see you anyway

hold me, fold me up in your arms
faster, my love, sinking and gone

I was aware the time, I was a son before i met you dear

I talk alone, i talk now

and all the lights go out in empty rooms
and now the dirty hall

I talked alone, I talk now
And all I wanted was a Chance to see you anyway

Hold me, fold me up in your arms
Faster, my love, shrinking and gone

Hold me, my love
Telling me don't be afraid
Wouldn't you want me to swim
Wouldn't you want me to stay?

Hold me my love
Telling me won't be afraid
Wouldn't you want me to swim
Wouldn't you want me to stay

- All At Sea, Richard Walters

i miss you.

At the end of the day, all you have is your family. Don't know what I'm talking about? Don't worry about it. It's just something that I felt that I needed to reiterate. It's very true though. When all things go to hell and you find yourself completely lost, you realise that your family is a lot more like you than you've ever realised.

I now understand why I've been especially tired out these past couple of days. It's been a while since I wrote anything up here. But just to let you know, my 21st Birthday was a blast. An absolute blast. The pictures though few, are uploaded on Anastasia's blog if you care to click on her link and back track.

Monsoon season's got me in a very depressing dreary mood. I can't seem to get myself out of it. I can't seem to see the benefit of all this. All the same, take care and be safe. I'll be ok. I'll see all of you soon. I just need a lot of down time.

endless dreams

From bad subtitles to bad seria to bad throats to infernal insomnia. I've had it all within the span of one evening. Words can't express the peace I feel and yet they can't seem to explain this strange emptiness.

In a matter of hours, I'll be throwing a party. Just a party. I don't expect to be the greatest or the worst that I've ever put together. It's just a thing that I did on impulse. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was forced into it and it's not like I'm about to back out of it either. It's just that with everything, I've seemed to invite a shit load of trouble.

It's becoming increasingly difficult. With each small step I take, it's like I jump metres back. With each small improvement, I feel like I'm failing. With each burst of emotion, I find myself back at square one. Perhaps I should just let things be. Perhaps I shouldn't fight so much any more.

I wish I could fall asleep and have my wonderful dreams again. I haven't told anyone but these past few nights have been quite chaotic. This holiday as relaxing as it is, is already beginning to take its toll on me. There are some things that I can't help but want to try and change. There are things about this life that I completely despise and yet things about it that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

If only you could hear me screaming. Perhaps you can. Does it hurt you as much as it hurts me? You hear me but I don't hear you. It's not that I don't want to, you know that. It's because I can't. I lack the ability to and it's slowly eating away at me. It's been... A month? A little over a month? So far so good. I've been holding up. Not as well as I'd like but I'm holding up. I keep hoping and praying that things will be better even though a part of me knows that it won't be any better and it won't be any easier. Not under present circumstances. I need to break free of these constraints that I have willingly placed upon myself.

You were right to have said what you said to me that day. I know that even up till now, I have no regrets having said and done the things that have been. I am sad however, because they do not see how serious all this has become. And even if they were to read this, they wouldn't know what I'm writing about. It's hard to find my voice in a silent world where there are so few that you can trust.

return of the peasants. or was it phesants?

I think it's very funny how things work out. How the littlest things can make me smile and warm my freezing heart. Today has been a wonderful day. Let's just say that there have been a multitude of little things that have been happening that all added up to some thing really good.

For starters, there have been a relatively high amount of coincidences and strange occurrences that have been accumulating towards something pretty bad. Interestingly enough, they have all done a complete 180.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow and yet I'm a little afraid of it at the same time. I don't quite know what to expect. But something tells me that no matter what happens, things will work out smoothly. And for that, I am happy.

I love the way things are working out for me right now. Incidentally it's usually at times like this that something bad happens but I've promised myself that there isn't anything the universe can throw at me that I won't be able to work through. And I think we all know why. :)

is this supposed to be any different?

Seriously, I don't feel any different, I don't act any different. Why does everybody expect it to be different? I actually think it's quite overrated. Things are going back to normal. This is a good thing isn't it? I'm already beginning to show signs of... 'normality'. In my sense of the word that is.

I realise that I'm actually not really looking forward to it. Not at all. In fact, I actually can't be bothered. I am however, looking forward to the day after. I find that things like that are much easier to be happy about.

But.. I am still happy. That hasn't changed. So. I'm not a kid anymore.

Happy Birthday to me.

PS: I really should be sleeping. I got a long long day ahead of me. Heck, I've got a long long WEEK ahead of me.

as emptiness takes over

It's another one of those days where I find myself screaming so loudly and yet I cannot be heard. It's another one of those moments where I feeling like I'm slowly suffocating but I am still alive. It's come to be a time where I want so badly for things to be ok. But they can't be because it's out of my control and quite frankly it's not my problem.

But even so, it doesn't mean that I'm not affected by it. I knew that this would eventually happen. I knew that at some point the only one I have left to trust would be myself. I know that at the end of time, there won't be a single one left to understand me but him. The only problem is, I'm stuck here. Stuck with people that think they can change my mind. People who think that they are better than I am. People who pretend to care when they don't. And people that I genuinely care for.

But it's all for nothing isn't it? It's all for abso-fuckin-lutely NOTHING.

It's amazing how full of shit a person can be. It's amazing how you can say that you love them and yet lie to their faces. It's ridiculous how you seem to make so much sense to me and then you turn around and you slap me in the face. It's amazing how much I can still love you even after all the hell that you've put me through. Once again, I wish I weren't turning 21. I wish it weren't my Birthday. I wish I didn't have to cry. I am in so much pain over one person. And guess what, I don't have anyone left to rely on. You were the one person that I could tell everything to. Why did you have to betray every single tiny thing? Why tell me things that you don't mean.

Why. Why does it always have to be so difficult with you? Why does everything these days make me feel so God damned helpless. Why can't I help you.

of loyalties and feelings

Would you choose a life of honour, duty and responsibility above all else or would you choose a love that you know in your heart will undermine everything that you have been taught. Do we suffer for our desires? It seems so. The more I think about it, the more confused I get.

I've always known in the depths of my being what will become of me. But for now, while I live and breathe, I will do what I must. For at the end, I can have both. I will be able to attain both. Do I sound selfish? Perhaps I do. Perhaps I am. For I've arrived at a point in my life where I find that doing this purely because it is expected of me if easier. Doing things for others is easier.

Many a time, religion calls us to put ourselves aside to strive for the greater good. To strive for a cause that is beyond our understanding and sometimes recognition. How many others can surely say that they are able to put themselves aside even if it is only for a brief moment? I find that being objective is paramount. Being able to cast my own desires and thoughts aside is now a part of what I have become. What I've grown to be.

Responsibility. And honour. I must strive for it. I will attain it. For in this life time, it is all that I have left. And still having said that, what would make me happy? What is it that I can do that will make me happy. I know the answer to this question. I will have my happiness and the peace I so long for. Even if it is for a few seconds. A small and insignificant amount of time I know. But all the same, I will do what I must. I will do what I can.

My brother told me something a few days ago. "We are able to apologise for our actions. But we should never have to apologise for the way we feel."