i go out on friday night and i come back on saturday morning

Happy Christmas guys.

It was brought to my attention earlier this evening that I didn't look happy. It could be that I'm tired out of my wits. It could be that my body is in perpetual pain. But the more I think about it the more I begin to realise that I'm growing increasingly sad.

This past month has been full of ups and downs, surprises and disappointments, bouts of fortune and misfortune. But despite all of that, I was pretty happy, content and at peace. I suppose that the reason for my growing sadness is due to the fact that I know that it won't last. The happiness. The quiet. I know that at some point, it's going to go away and I don't want it to.

I've had the best Christmas that I've had in years. Instead of the usual drunk stupor that comes with partying with friends or stay overnight at Rick's from the 24th to the 25th, I spent my time with people that I really wanted to spend it with. I spent this Christmas in a meaningful way. I thought that I would be going out and doing the things that I normally would do. It doesn't really matter that my plans didn't fall through because at the end of the day, I found that this Christmas tops all the rest.

And in a few hours, things are going to change. Not in a bad way. But still, I am going to have to readjust to it. To being by myself all over again. I don't like it really. I loved these past few days because it reminded me of what it was like when I was a kid. Full of nostalgia and reminiscing with people that have been with me every step of the way.

Right now, I'm fighting the tears. I don't want to cry. Not today. After all, I managed to get through the day without a single cynical remark, without a single ill thought. It was simple. A little tiring at first but it was quite relieving after a while.

I'm really going to miss Christmas' like this one. I don't think I'll be able to have one for a very long time. Heck, it might be the last Christmas that I in my opinion is perfect.

And, for what it's worth, I hope that your Christmas was as perfect as mine. Or at least close to it.

And, for what it's worth, I love you.

Silence is empty, filled with breaths from mouths
that never move no more

she talked some more, she talks now

and all the lights went out in empty rooms
and now the empty hall

I talk alone, i talk now

And all I wanted was a Chance to see you anyway

hold me, fold me up in your arms
faster, my love, sinking and gone

I was aware the time, I was a son before i met you dear

I talk alone, i talk now

and all the lights go out in empty rooms
and now the dirty hall

I talked alone, I talk now
And all I wanted was a Chance to see you anyway

Hold me, fold me up in your arms
Faster, my love, shrinking and gone

Hold me, my love
Telling me don't be afraid
Wouldn't you want me to swim
Wouldn't you want me to stay?

Hold me my love
Telling me won't be afraid
Wouldn't you want me to swim
Wouldn't you want me to stay

- All At Sea, Richard Walters