endless dreams

From bad subtitles to bad seria to bad throats to infernal insomnia. I've had it all within the span of one evening. Words can't express the peace I feel and yet they can't seem to explain this strange emptiness.

In a matter of hours, I'll be throwing a party. Just a party. I don't expect to be the greatest or the worst that I've ever put together. It's just a thing that I did on impulse. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was forced into it and it's not like I'm about to back out of it either. It's just that with everything, I've seemed to invite a shit load of trouble.

It's becoming increasingly difficult. With each small step I take, it's like I jump metres back. With each small improvement, I feel like I'm failing. With each burst of emotion, I find myself back at square one. Perhaps I should just let things be. Perhaps I shouldn't fight so much any more.

I wish I could fall asleep and have my wonderful dreams again. I haven't told anyone but these past few nights have been quite chaotic. This holiday as relaxing as it is, is already beginning to take its toll on me. There are some things that I can't help but want to try and change. There are things about this life that I completely despise and yet things about it that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

If only you could hear me screaming. Perhaps you can. Does it hurt you as much as it hurts me? You hear me but I don't hear you. It's not that I don't want to, you know that. It's because I can't. I lack the ability to and it's slowly eating away at me. It's been... A month? A little over a month? So far so good. I've been holding up. Not as well as I'd like but I'm holding up. I keep hoping and praying that things will be better even though a part of me knows that it won't be any better and it won't be any easier. Not under present circumstances. I need to break free of these constraints that I have willingly placed upon myself.

You were right to have said what you said to me that day. I know that even up till now, I have no regrets having said and done the things that have been. I am sad however, because they do not see how serious all this has become. And even if they were to read this, they wouldn't know what I'm writing about. It's hard to find my voice in a silent world where there are so few that you can trust.